Month: July 2005

  • Joseph Is Falling

    If I were a super villain who hurt people, what would my super villain power be?” Enzo said.

    At first it had been paralyzing rays that shot from her index fingers. Then it had been a third eye that traveled about her body and could shoot paralyzing rays at will. Then a secret sonic vehicle that could shoot paralyzing rays from its headlights.

    “I thought you’d already decided,” Joseph said. “Some form of paralyzing rays.”

    Enzo tapped her mechanical pencil against her palm. She referred to it as her clickster.

    “I’m sick of paralyzing rays.”

    “So are we all,” Zap said from behind the bakery cash register. Zap and Joseph were seventeen. Both worked at the bakery, which was airy and full of light, with a pressed-tin ceiling that Joseph sometimes tilted his head far back to admire.

    Enzo clicked her clickster and stared malevolently at Zap. Zap ignored her. Enzo was nine and she hated Zap for reasons Joseph did not understand. It was Joseph’s job to keep them apart, to keep Enzo from flailing at Zap and Zap from antagonizing Enzo. This was his destiny, to keep warring factions apart. They were angry bees and he was the beekeeper. Enzo sat at her table against the window with her clickster.

    “The superhero is my idea,” Zap said. “I am the one writing the superhero book. Not you.”

    “Who’s talking about a stupid superhero?” Enzo said. “I’m talking about a super villain.”

    “Some people should come up with their own ideas.”

    “Some people are full of ideas but their ideas are all stupid.”

    It was time for the beekeeper to blow a puff of smoke. To calm the angry bees and restore peace to the hive.

    “Why are you sick of paralyzing rays?” Joseph said.

    “Because they only work for a little while. Then their power wears off.”

    “Oh, I didn’t know that.”

    “Well, now you do!” Enzo shouted. It took very little to set her off. “The evil guys are unparalyzed! You’re back to the beginning!”

    “Make it permanent then.”

    “Permanent?” Enzo held up her clickster and studied it as if it were new to her.

    “Yeah. Permanent. Then the evil guys can never unparalyze themselves.”

    “Can I do that?”

    “You’re the super villain, Enzo. You can do anything you want to do.”

  • Food Follies

    As a food service industry professional, I sometimes find it difficult to retain my tableside manner. Back in 1986, when I first strapped on my apron at Mickey’s Diner, I took the Oath of Hypocrisy: Never, ever, under any circumstances let those you serve know what you think of them.

    I’m good at what I do because of this rule, and also because I tend to like most people, even when they are crabby and need French fries with a side of red bell mayo and Stoli lemonades to calm their colic. It makes me feel good to have a snarling, capri-panted, kitten-heeled Eaganite click-clock to a table, fully loaded with the day’s frustrations and ready to blow—only to see her sheath her claws and start purring when I deliver a hot basket of bread. Likewise for the fifty-five-year-old Grumpy Gus who needs a blooming onion and a Michelob Golden Light—stat! Hey, man, have at it. It’s your breath, and it’s your funeral.

    A perk of working in the food service industry is the feast of conversation that I overhear each night. True, most of it is fragmented sound bites unburdened by context. I think of these snippets as appetizers in relation to the smorgasbord of banter that I share with my esteemed colleagues in culinary service. And lately, each shift has been looking and sounding uncannily like a feature-length version of that classic joke: “A man walks into a bar … .”

    Colleen: “Hi, everybody! Tonight’s special is a pork chop smothered in salsa verde, and our soup is chilled pineapple mango.”

    Customer #1 to Customer #2: “I’ve had that soup before. It’s weird. It tastes like flavored lube.”

    Completely crudité—but consider that Customer Two ignored this explicit warning and still ordered the soup.

    Overheard while filling glasses with ice water:

    Woman: “Why did you order me the Caesar salad?”

    Man: “You always get the Caesar salad.”

    Woman: “Typical.”

    Man: “What do you mean? Is it typical for you to order what you always order? Or is it typical for me to assume that you want to order what you always order?”

    Woman: “I’m getting really sick of your thinly veiled hostility towards me.”

    Man: “What are you talking about?”

    Woman: “Oh, sure. Now I’m the one who is crazy.”

    Maybe they both are. Only Edward Albee knows for sure. But I still like to guess while replenishing ketchup containers at the end of the night.

    Sometimes I wonder if people say things to me only because I’m on the clock, and my time isn’t my own, and I don’t charge psychotherapy rates.

    Colleen: “So, you wanted a starter of the spicy green beans?”

    Customer: “As long as the beans aren’t too spicy. I like things ‘Minnesota spicy,’ you know? It’s bad if I have things that are too spicy.”

    Colleen: “Well, maybe it’s better to be on the safe side. You also expressed an interest in the cream cheese wontons … ”

    Customer: “No, I want the green beans, as long as they aren’t too spicy. Uh, well, maybe I better get the wontons, I don’t know. They sound good, but fatty. I’d rather have too spicy than fatty. But then the last time I had too spicy it went right through me. I practically crapped out a Chinese dragon.”

    Colleen (wishing desperately for a mental defragmenter that would erase the image from her mind): “Sooooo, you’d like the wontons?”

    Customer: “What the hell, give me the beans.”

    I’ve been in the business long enough to realize that I can’t save people from themselves. The best I can do is distract them. So much of what I do during the day is about keeping your eyes and ears open, and your mouth shut. And yet the writing part is all about gathering information and experience and letting it roll around upstairs and repeating it to amuse you, the reader. Forthwith, here are my top ten favorite overheard items in the last three months.

    “I can’t eat meringue. It makes my gums itch.”

    “Oh my God. I can’t believe this place doesn’t have Diet 7UP. Every place has Diet 7UP. They are probably losing business.”

    “Ick. Look at that girl over there. She’s dressed like a hooker.” Five minutes later: “Quit looking at that girl over there.”

    “If you’re out of the sauvignon blanc, I’ll have a Godiva chocolatini.”

    “That guy was too gay for me. C’mon. He irons his T-shirts.”

    “Here’s my card. I would like to start a tab at this table. But just for me, nobody else.”

    “Can you throw this diaper away for me?”

    “Do you have any low-carb bread?”

    “We have a birthday at this table. When the cake is brought out, she’ll try to run. Don’t let her.”

    “Are mussels supposed to look like that?”

  • Cheese Wizards

    There are people who would rather die than give up chocolate, and there are those who can’t imagine a day without television. For me, a life without cheese is simply not worth living. How can you get through the day without a dense bit of manchego, a smear of Humboldt Fog, or a downy shaving of Grana Padano? Why on earth would you have people over for dinner, if not as an excuse to stand around a platter of new cheeses and say, “Wow, try that one”? The mysteries of cheese compel me. Gorgonzola tastes like one thing when piled on a cold slice of pear, and a completely different (and rather malodorous) thing when melted onto a thin-crust pizza. How can simple cow’s milk be turned into radically different cheeses like cheddar, blue, and Camembert?

    I often wonder if my love of cheese comes from our neighboring state, where at every road stop on the way to and from college, a cheese store beckoned. I have many foggy memories of the Cheese Pavilion in Neillsville and odd pictures of me with Chatty Belle the Talking Cow. That’s Wisconsin, nearly drunk on the love of cheese, and happy to admit it. Yet there is a movement afoot—one that might lead to a smackdown over the very hearts and minds of cheese lovers everywhere and the highly coveted title of “America’s Dairyland.”

    Cheese making in the U.S. is as old as the European immigrants who traveled here with their techniques. As they settled around the country, they began producing cheeses from their homeland. Italians brought the recipes for mozzarella and provolone, the English gave us an American version of cheddar, newly arrived French produced their Bries and Camemberts, German-Americans went on making Limburger and Muenster, and the Swiss, well—you know. Until the mid-1800s, all American-produced cheeses were farmstead cheeses—as, indeed, were all cheeses everywhere—handmade with milk exclusively from the cheese maker’s own animals. As cheese became a successful product at home and abroad, and with more automated forms of year-around agriculture, making use of silos, modern cooling trucks, and cooperative creameries, food factories sprang forth from the land to make cheese in bulk. By the turn of the last century, farmstead cheeses were becoming a thing of the past.

    Wisconsin, with its rolling hills and wide pastures, drew a large share of northern European dairy farmers and cheese makers. The first state to grade its cheeses for quality, it quickly became the center of the national dairy industry, producing about five hundred million pounds of cheese per year by 1945. Today the state widely known as “America’s Dairyland” produces more than two billion pounds of cheese each year from the milk of more than a million cows. It would seem that residents of the state with more licensed cheese makers than any other should feel safe in their identity, secure enough to call themselves “cheeseheads” and wear those ridiculous foam hats to sporting events.

    But anyone who watched this year’s Super Bowl, wearing that foam hat or not, watched what amounts to a bigger insult than cow tipping. It was a TV commercial featuring sunbathing bovines prancing in the California sun, with the tagline, “Great cheese comes from happy cows. Happy cows come from California.” Although this campaign has been around for some time, when it aired during a Super Bowl commercial break, it basically amounted to a gauntlet thrown.

    It seems California has its sights set on claiming the title of “America’s Dairyland.” The Happy Cows campaign is part of a long-term strategy to shift American dairy consumers’ thinking away from Midwestern fields and toward coastal pastures. Faced with a milk surplus in 1982, the California Milk Advisory Board approached the pointy-heads at Stanford University for help. After extensive study, they found that everybody loves cheese, and that cheese making had huge profit potential for the state. California milk producers took the cue, and between 1982 and 2004, statewide cheese production increased 609 percent, with a projected two billion pounds being produced in 2005. What’s up, Cali? Aren’t you happy enough being the state of towheads and surfers? You already have David Hasselhoff and Robert Mondavi—can’t you leave the Midwest any national props?

    The Wisconsin Milk Marketing Board isn’t scared. It has launched a campaign aimed at reminding Wisconsinites to be proud of their heritage, but is that the right fire to light? One very successful part of the California’s plan is to nurture the growing artisanal and farmstead cheese producers. Through well-targeted public relations, the stories of these specialty cheese makers have received tons of media attention and a national following. Just check out the well-stocked cheese case at any Kowalski’s, Lund’s, or Byerly’s and count how many Cali cheeses you find.

    True, specialty cheese makers don’t fuel the industry. Processed cheeses made by big factories are what the masses buy and eat daily. Be assured that the California Milk Board also has a plan to woo such companies (including our own Land O’Lakes) to bring their business to California, but as the board itself has stated, it’s all about image. Since the Happy Cows campaign started airing, cheese with the “Real California Cheese” seal has achieved national distribution from Costco and Kroger, with expanded distribution at Wal-Mart and Safeway. I think the Wisconsin Milk Board might be missing the signs: The future is knocking and California is trampling over Wisconsin to answer the door.

    There has never been a more food-centric time in America than now. The food revolution has created a whole generation of people who care about what food means, where it comes from, and why they should eat it. With all the national attention paid to their artisanal cheeses, the “great cheese” association will trickle down to the big yellow blocks of “American” cheese as well. California is trying to give its cheese a pedigree, thereby providing people with what would seem to be an educated choice rather than the same old blind pick. The state might have had some experience in this before, with a wine industry that took the laughable “American wine” category and verily crushed European expectations.

    Don’t get me wrong: I love California cheeses. I pay well for Humboldt Fog because, as an aged goat cheese covered with a fine dusting of ash, it delivers a creamy, sharp flavor I can’t find in anything else. But I don’t subscribe to the fact that it’s better just because it’s from California. I know there are equally amazing and even better cheeses within a short drive of the Twin Cities. For example, LoveTree Farmstead in Grantsburg, Wisconsin, just over the state line, ages its goat cheese in caves on cedar boards. The result is a full-bodied cheese with a hint of the northwoods. The winner of the 2004 Best of Show title from the American Cheese Society competition was Sid Cook’s Gran Canaria of Carr Valley Cheese in La Valle, Wisconsin, about a three-hour drive from here.

    This isn’t a time to reflect on heritage and muse dreamily on the past. Okay, so Wisconsin was the birthplace of Colby, but have you tried California’s award-winning Fiscalini San Joaquin Gold, a farmstead cheese that has a mellow richness and grates like a dream? This is a time to celebrate the beauty of true-blue Wisconsin cheeses while encouraging innovation from young cheese makers wherever they might live. Wisconsin cheeseheads should be focused on creating new generations of cheese eaters who understand why they should choose Wisconsin cheese—because it’s excellent and beautifully crafted, not because it comes from “America’s Dairyland.” Seeking out and drawing attention to its high-quality small producers is one of the best ways Wisconsin can equal the call.

  • Dog Days

    Dog Days

    How to beat the heat in the

    dirty city.

    By August, the heat of summer begins to curdle in the city. The lifeguards are sunburnt, the flowers have gone to seed, garbage bins are toxic, tempers are short, the milfoil metastasizes, and mid-term elections thunder just over the horizon.

    One of our favorite hot-weather palliatives came from the mouth of Bob Dylan many years ago, when the lakes and rivers of Minnesota were still fresh in his memory: A hard rain, he said, is gonna fall. And while we can appreciate the comfort of such assurances, praying for change when change is what’s most needed, we know that when the cleansing rain does come, all that sweat and filth has to go somewhere. In the figurative world, it will end up in think-tanks and newspaper columns. In the real world, it will drain into our lakes and rivers.

    When the mercury is up, Twin Citizens have options for cooling off, but maybe not as many as we’d like. It may be because of the ubiquity of lakes and rivers that the cities are short on public swimming pools; we count just three of them in Minneapolis, and three in St. Paul—for a population of five hundred thousand. It is true that wading pools have been installed in nearly every city park, but adults and teenagers feel silly spending any serious time in them—not just because they are intended for toddlers, but because if the lifeguards don’t get you, the urine content or the massive doses of chlorine will. On the other hand, there has been a gratifying growth in friendly water parks for children of all ages, especially in the inner-ring suburbs like Edina and St. Louis Park. But admission to these can cost as much as ten dollars per person per day, or three hundred dollars for a season pass. That is beyond the reach of many middle-class families, who can stay at home to get hosed.

    There are the lakes. Personally, we love Nokomis, Harriet, Rebecca, and Phalen. It is heartbreaking enough that city lakes are being choked by milfoil and algae, but after a good downpour, we also have to contend with E. coli. It is a small comfort that water at city beaches is tested almost every day during the summer, mainly to prevent embarrassing public outbreaks that can be measured statistically. Minneapolis keeps a constant, publicly accessible tab on bacteria levels, which can be reviewed at its website, minneapolisparks.org. So far, our beaches have stayed generally clean and within EPA standards. Still, aside from the fact that we have less and less confidence in the EPA these days, we prefer to think that really acceptable levels of E. coli would be around—oh, about zero. If the east beach of Calhoun is closed due to high levels of fecal bacteria, how confident are you about the north beach? You just wanted to look at the hardbodies and windsurfers anyway, right?

    The secret culprit is the lawns and driveways and patios of the city. Water quality is only as good as the local runoff. One of the reasons we can swim in city lakes at all is the prescient green belt that city fathers delineated around every lake. But toxins and muck still leech into the water. Why? It is not as if we intentionally route sewage into the water stream (anymore). Rather, it is because manmade structures and surfaces act like flumes, moving unfiltered odds and ends directly from lawn, garden, and driveway, where they are relatively harmless, into public waters, where they are not. (E. coli, by the way, is introduced primarily through neglected dog waste in your yard.) Incidentally, this is why outstate the Department of Natural Resources has nanny-state regulations that prohibit homeowners from building too close to the water. This is also why urban developers in the future must be required to install things like hedgerows and rooftop gardens. Water quality and clarity are closely linked, and urban runoff has a negative impact on our perception of both. Worse than that, by swimming after a hard rain, you may be endangering your health, just when you wish to preserve it from heat stroke. It is no great leap from swimming pool to lake to holding pond to sewage lagoon.

  • Love Knows No Borders

    Viewed from room 1238 of the White Swan Hotel, the jagged ten-story tenements of Guangzhou, China, are softened by smog. Below, the United States Consulate complex sprawls beside century-old British colonial structures. “Pretty good view, isn’t it?” asks Paul Stueber, an earnest forty-four-year-old drum instructor from Minneapolis. He packs a baby bottle into a blue backpack. Beside him, his wife, Laurel, a forty-year-old schoolteacher, holds their newly adopted daughter, Olivia Ya Qun Stueber, age approximately fourteen months.

    “You have our passports, Paul?”

    “Yeah, I think I’ve got everything.”

    Paul makes a last, quick scan of the room where they have spent four days awaiting Olivia’s immigrant visa. The bed is covered with toys. A crib stands beside it. A folder stuffed thick with adoption-related documents is on the dresser. The Stuebers ride a dimly lit elevator car to the ground floor and join five families with whom they have spent the last two weeks traveling southern China. “Hey, Laurel,” exclaims an exuberant mother from Stillwater, her arms filled with her own infant Chinese daughter. “How’s Olivia?” The Stuebers merge into a mass group status report on feeding times, sleep schedules, colds, parent-child attachment, and current levels of apprehension regarding the transportation of the group’s six newly adopted children on long international flights.

    Unnoticed, the elevator discharges a young Chinese businessman and his two elderly parents. At first they don’t hesitate at the sight of white faces (the White Swan is favored by foreign businesspeople), but when the mother notices the Chinese babies, she stops mid-step, mouth agape. She and her family whisper through astonished smiles, and begin a slow circuit of the group, gazing upon them as if they were fine statuary. “Fat and healthy,” the mother declares in Mandarin. “Very good,” she adds in English, with a thumbs-up that is reciprocated by one of the new fathers.

    The elevator opens again and out walks Shirley Hu, a diminutive China-based adoption representative for Children’s Home Society and Family Services, a Minnesota-based agency providing adoption services across the U.S. “Everyone have passports?” The families fall behind her in a line out the door and into the lush colonial elegance of Shamian Island. “Families always call me Mother Duck,” confides the thirty-one-year-old Shanghai native, her voice rising into a giggle. “I hate it!” She walks in rapid, evenly paced steps, shoulders back, chin raised, and she never looks back. “They will not let me out of their sight,” she says with a confidence derived from leading hundreds of adoption groups through China.

    They pass dozens of American parents strolling with newly adopted Chinese babies and bypass shops with English language signs (Jenny’s Place, Susan’s Place) jammed with overpriced souvenirs and laundry services priced to beat the White Swan’s. At a parkway, they turn left and approach a long line of visa applicants awaiting interviews at the Consulate. Shirley walks right past them and shows the guard her passport and appointment letter. Immediately, she and the group are cleared to continue into a low-slung building where bags are X-rayed and everyone walks through a metal detector before crossing a courtyard and entering the ten-story consulate building.

    Inside, past another security checkpoint, a sign announces “American Citizen Section; Adoption Unit; Department Homeland Security.” Arrows point upstairs into a thirty-foot-long room dominated by a service counter and, behind it, the Adoption Unit’s office cubicles. Approximately twenty other families are already in the room, awaiting the oath that completes their adoptions. Shirley’s families are ushered to a small window where a secretary checks their passports against the consulate’s documents. When this is done, an American woman emerges from the offices with a microphone. “You are to be congratulated on completing this process and adopting your children,” she says, her voice broadcast through the room. “There’s only one last hoop to jump through. Please raise your right hand.” She pauses. “Do you swear or affirm that the information you provided the consulate is true and correct to the best of your knowledge?”

    The room rumbles with unsynchronized yeses and I dos.

    “Congratulations. Have a safe trip home.”

    At the far end of the room Laurel smiles at Olivia and coos, “Congratulations, sweetheart.” Paul places his right index finger into Olivia’s tiny left hand. “We’re going home,” he says in a high-pitched baby-talk voice.

    U.S. citizens adopt more Chinese orphans than children of any other nationality except their own, and it is a growing phenomenon. Since 1995, more than thirty-three thousand Chinese orphans have been granted visas to immigrate to the United States; in 2004 alone, 6,910 Chinese orphans, including Olivia Ya Qun Stueber, were granted immigrant status. “It seems like everyone I know happens to know somebody who wanted to talk to me about what it was like when they adopted in China,” explained a mother who was part of the Stuebers’ adoption group. “This is just not so weird anymore.”

    Paul and Laurel Stueber are not unusual adoptive parents; Ya Qun Luo is not an unusual Chinese orphan. The process by which they were declared a family was long ago organized into a set of steps, particularly in China, that can be precisely charted on a timeline. But just like a healthy pregnancy, that predictable process inevitably acquired its own unique narrative and personality.

    Around the corner from Southwest High School in Minneapolis is a tidy white bungalow. Solar lanterns line the straight front walkway, and directly in front of the house, hostas and lilies poke out in symmetrical rows. Though close to a school, the yard is unmarred by plastic toys or stroller wheels or sidewalk chalk.

    There is, however, one small sticker affixed to the front door, reminding firefighters of the pets inside—two pampered cats. Laurel Stueber gently brushes them from the couch before joining Paul on the love seat with a cup of hot coffee and soy milk. On the coffee table are two photographs of the little girl whom the Stuebers have yet to meet but are already beginning to call their daughter. “That’s our baby, that’s our child,” says Laurel. “Now she’s real. You see her face, you know who she is,” she continues, becoming tearful. “The waiting is so much harder because you know she’s there, you want to see her and hold her and find out everything about her and all you have is what’s written on the paper. So we look at her picture every day, and we miss her. It’s hard. It’s hard to wait.”

    That same anticipation permeates the small corner bedroom that awaits Olivia Ya Qun. The walls are a glowing salmon color, and the sheer appliquéd curtains grazing the oak floor are pulled back to allow the sun to shine through white mini-blinds. Two antique wooden dressers are polished to a gleam, and in the corner near the window sits the fully dressed crib. Despite the loving appointments, the room is, more than anything else, occupied by emptiness.

    “We had tried for a few years to have a child,” explains Laurel, “and then I was diagnosed with endometriosis. I was thirty-eight.” After a dizzying introduction to all the options for fertility treatments, potential surgeries, and the attendant odds and risks, the Stuebers turned away. “You’re considered high-risk for pregnancy at my age, and so you’re told about everything that might go wrong,” she says. “We considered all that, and the fact that fertility treatments don’t always work. We knew it wasn’t for us. We felt more comfortable with adoption, and we were drawn to international adoption right from the start.”

    The retelling is so matter-of-fact it makes it sound as if the decision to forgo childbirth was easy and painless. It wasn’t. “I didn’t have to grieve, exactly, over deciding between fertility treatments and adoption, because I did have—I did have a child that was stillborn several years before that,” says Laurel. She is staring to her left, beyond the picture window, and her eyes are filled with tears again. The cat jumps up beside her. “I just didn’t want to go through—.” Laurel stops and waits until she can speak again. “I was twenty-six or twenty-seven at the time. I had to go through birth in my fifth month, knowing. We just let it go after that, we didn’t really try. I wasn’t ready. We wanted to make sure we were stable in our careers. We just said for now we’re going to go on with our lives and so forth. Then when we were finally ready to try again, nothing happened.”

    Doctors determined that the stillborn child’s kidneys had failed to develop due to a rare abnormality. “They said it wasn’t genetic, just one of those odd things. But it was such a devastating blow, and then when you hear all the scary statistics, all the things that can happen when you get pregnant at an older age—I just didn’t want to go through that again. We were ready for a child and it wasn’t that important that it be a biological child. We just wanted a child to complete our family.”

  • Count Basie Orchestra

    These days, jazz is rarely performed on a truly large scale, but the eighteen-piece Count Basie Orchestra isn’t really about these days. Basie’s orchestra (sans Basie, who died in 1984, in case you didn’t know) still swings, loudly and enthusiastically, keeping the music hot. And there appears to be no slowing down–this outfit still wins Grammys, writes songs, and even gets experimental, although the show relies heavily on the classic Basie songbook. Trombonist Bill Hughes, who originally worked with Basie in 1953, is the current director, and many of his musicians have histories with the Count or other luminaries of the jazz age. 612-371-5656; www.minnesotaorchestra.org.

  • Diamond Hand Grenade: New Work by Katherine Bernhardt, Rebecca Morris, and Anna Sew Hoy

    Midway Contemporary Art, through August 20 Hot stuff from both coasts. While lots of artists do cheeky or ironic or deadpan-cool takes on fashion models and magazine culture, New York painter Katherine Bernhardt has been getting acclaim for her caustic, expressionistic approach to these topics, which has a whiff of early eighties punk about it (some works are done on cardboard). Anna Sew Hoy’s sculptures are both repellent and fascinating, incorporating castoffs from the streets of L.A.: perfume bottles, stickers, cheap jewelry, eighties-era batwing novelty sweaters. One sculpture’s base is made from a trio of Styrofoam busts of Darth Vader. And the abstract paintings from Sew HoyÕs fellow Angeleno Rebecca Morris could be called the most traditional work here, except that her conflicts play out among passages of garish metallic paint, spray paint, and oils. In all, there’s ample trash and flash on display, in a show that’s just right for the dog days. 3338 University Ave. S.E., Minneapolis; 651-917-1851; www.midwayart.org

  • Caller Pick Up

    Recently, I had rather a serendipitous experience with the Mischke Broadcast. While driving home at 10 p.m., on roads hazardous as a result of a particularly brutal March snowstorm, I tuned to the Mischke Broadcast and heard silence. Tommy finally spoke, however, from a pay phone at the intersection of Lexington and Grand. His car had broken down, and he warned his producer that if someone didn’t pick him up soon, there would be no show. Not wanting to fall prey to a Mischke radio stunt, I called his producer and asked, “Is he serious?” He assured me he was. “I’m on my way,” I promised, and sped to the intersection, where Tommy stood huddled over a pay phone, enduring brutal winter winds. I waved him into my truck and the magic began.

    Tommy took an experience that would have derailed a typical host and turned it into an hour of unparalleled radio entertainment. It wasn’t enough that we drive straight to the station so he could resume the show from more hospitable environs; rather, the opportunity to broadcast an hour of his show from a careworn 1997 Ford Ranger was not a gift he was willing (or able) to take for granted. A regular young caller, Luke, sang songs to Mischke as we drove. We stopped at a McDonald’s drive-through window where Tommy peppered the staff with questions about the meaning of life. An over-the-road trucker, hearing our location, rendezvoused with us near the restaurant, and Tommy gleefully entered the cab of his tractor-trailer, playing with the CB radio like a bedazzled child. Finally, we arrived at the station. At the end of the ride Tommy thanked me, offered reimbursement (which I declined), then bounded happily into the studio. It was just business as usual on the Mischke Broadcast. Tommy Mischke may be an acquired taste, but like most of the finer things in life he’s well worth it. In a radio world teeming with pabulum, anger, or just plain banality, the Mischke Broadcast is a sorely needed oasis of originality.

    Thomas Bonnett
    Woodbury

  • Tommy Do-Good

    T.D. Mischke’s description of selfless acts, as described in his 9/11 comments [“Old-Fashioned Cutting-Edge Radio,” July], might also describe him on most days. When I was at a very low point in my life and had trouble coming up with the money to pay the rent (a story I shared on the air with Tommy), Mischke called upon his radio audience to donate what they could to help me out. His listeners contributed about three hundred dollars, Mischke called me at home and the money arrived shortly thereafter. Mischke is more than a radio host, he’s a good man, a selfless and kind man.

    Rod Metzger
    Minneapolis

  • Poet Prejudice

    Perverse it is to deny the post of the poet laureate [Good Intentions, July], which began in England with the bard. Queen Victoria appointed William Wordsworth as poet laureate after he had retired to his garden. He refused. She then sent out the prime minister to persuade him, and during one of her galas, Wordsworth busted the seams of the borrowed attire he was ordered to wear. Lord Alfred Tennyson is known to have equally held the hearts of both the aristocracy and rising middle class. Soldiers requested copies of “Charge of the Light Brigade” in droves; Tennyson is buried with the British flag over his chest. His bust is within the Poet’s Corner in Westminster Abbey. Our national poets have been savvy in decimating their ideologies to the public. Robert Pinsky made a cameo on The Simpsons and CNN interviewed Billy Collins, which stunned me to see a poet on national TV.

    Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s verse-novel Aurora Leigh accounts for the social exclusion of women to the post. Aurora’s husband Romney is at first disgusted at her will to be a poet. He catches her unaware playing in a garden as she crowns herself with ivy. She pretends she’s a caryatid elevating the role of the poet. The figuration of Aurora crowning herself on her birthday is a literary gesture to Madame de Stäell’s Corinne, or Italy as Corrine crowns herself at the capital. E.B. Browning was one of Tennyson’s competitors for the post. Aurora Leigh had to design her own laurel and post. Is this the only option for Minnesotan poets?

    Toni Holland
    Minneapolis