Month: September 2005

  • A Break From Our Regularly Scheduled Agnosticism

    I try to avoid these sorts of political ramblings, but sometimes it just becomes unbearable–the sin of silence, we call it, during Yom Kippur. It is marginally related to media criticism, so spot me one here.

    The tone has become noticeably conciliatory over at Power Line these days. True, the local detachment of the 42nd Fighting Keyboarders long ago perfected that dulcet melody of false reason, the perfectly balanced timbre of the thoughtful populist who won’t insist, but would appreciate it if, at some time in the future, when it’s convenient, of course, their traitorous liberal friends stopped beating their wives. (Anti-war activism is ipso facto anti-Americanism; intelligent design is a “controversy among scientists;” Bush didn’t, y’know, cause Katrina or Rita, are you stoopid?)

    They are too clever by half. The nation’s number one bloggers probably see the writing on the wall, and do not wish to be splattered by the manure lagoon presently being emptied on the heads of their party. Despite the brilliant repartee over there, particularly when it comes to legal issues and to Israel, they tend to avoid stories that aren’t amendable to their worldview. Thus begins the prelude to a long, long period of commentary from the trenches of a party that has willed itself into permanent minority status. Watch how in about one year dissent will suddenly become a virtue again.

    Today, though, they could not help themselves from lapdogging for Tom DeLay, which might be a mistake (as Republicans are saying to themselves everywhere, I suppose.) I don’t have a lot to add to this, other than to say that media outlets that stick strictly to the facts–House Majority Leader Tom DeLay has been indicted on a single felonious count of conspiracy, period–get merits, and those who waste a lot of ink on DeLay’s public excuses, whining, and ad hominem get demerits. I used to wonder why it was so important to all Republicans at all times to rush to the defense of each other, to argue the facts and the media long after the spin cycle is over and done and the public has made up its mind and moved on. (Sheesh, some of them STILL argue not just about Blanco and Nagin, but Vietnam and Richard Nixon. Guys, your team lost one or two or three. No one ever accused Republicans of being good sports, and there’s nothing worse than a sore winner.) But one technical point in the flap about DeLay: What I cannot understand is how the most brilliant, idle legal minds of their generation seem to willfully ignore the fact that it is not just DA Ronnie Earle who has indicted their idol, it is a Texas grand jury. I know these love-the-company-of-men bloggers are smart, and they’re underemployed lawyers and all that, but I suspect that grand jury down in Texas knows a thing or two about the law and the facts in this case. If they can’t argue the point intelligently, then one would really expect Power Line to more graciously fall into lockstep with the Grand Poobah, President Bush, when he says hold your tongue and let the legal process take its course. Trust, people! Gotta work on that–you could start by trusting your Commander in Chief, at least on this point.

    In the Times yesterday, David Brooks mused on this form of groupthink, and formulated his own sort of lukewarm apology for Tom “The Hammer” DeLay. Brooks said,

    “He’s actually a modest, decent and considerate man. But he is willing to sacrifice all else for the team.”

    Now, one could certainly argue that, in private, Tom DeLay is the Great Pumpkin. But there is one thing that is exactly wrong about Brooks’s statement. There is one thing DeLay won’t sacrifice–himself. And “the team” may well suffer for it. Here is why: Like so many of his colleagues, DeLay has become expert at weaponizing language (you know, the whole “framing” thing–brazen profiteering and selfishness, pronounced “tax relief”). But the one argument he is never going to win no matter how he frames it is that someone attacking him is doing so for strictly partisan reasons. No one will ever take seriously a man who has made an uninterrupted career of putting his party before all else, including the welfare of Americans. (His PAC, Texans for a Republican Majority–the name says it all. Priorities!) To charge the Texas grand jury and DA with partisanship strains credulity and patience, and the Gods are getting angry. You know, pride–fall–and so on. Americans do not longer want to hear what the pot thinks of the kettle.

    I do love how David Brooks pulls his punches, only to make a below-the-belt grab. DeLay’s “team loyalty” is a misguided virtue; when Democrats indulge in it, it is “deaniac hyperpartisanship.” This is classic, fuzzy-logic Brooks. The intense partisanship that resulted in the impeachment of a president for getting his stuff puffed in the Oval Office, followed by six years of ruthless hubris and violence–that was all well and good, but that time is past. The rules have changed. Lefties who want a piece of that action are exhibiting a dysfunctional “need to rigidly hew to orthodoxy.” This is self-evident heresy when it is conducted by the wrong party.

    As I’ve grown fond of saying, there aren’t a lot of deathbed conversions of liberals who wished they’d been more selfish, less sympathetic, who wished they’d spent more time saving money and hating the less fortunate and arguing for war and the elimination of social supports and building the federal deficit and devaluing the dollar and erasing the nation’s diplomatic credibility.

    The only person I can think of like that is Sen. Norm Coleman.

  • From A Dream In Progress

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    1) This, Vesithia LaRue said, is not living. Decidedly. Not. Living.

    Ms. LaRue was in the bar of a Chinese restaurant, where she was sitting straight as a pin at a corner table and bathed in an almost infernal red light. Though she was a non-smoker, she had the mannerisms and dramatic demeanor of someone who was smoking cigarette after cigarette.

    With her long fingers dangling from impossibly thin wrists she was drawing slow, continuous circles with a pink plastic straw in a drink that was the color of an exotic and idealized lagoon.

    Vesithia’s table companions had been reduced to silence by her churlish mood (which was increasingly her prevailing mood). To venture even the most innocuous comment was to invite a withering lash from her acid tongue.

    In a story that she often related, Vesithia explained that her name was that of an imaginary flower that had come to her mother, Estelle LaRue, in a dream.

    Do not think, Vesithia was now saying, do not dare think for even one moment, that I have been wounded. (Everyone at the table –and, in fact, everyone of Ms. LaRue’s acquaintance– was decidedly of the opinion that Vesithia had, in fact, been badly wounded.)

    Although, Vesithia added after a moment, I suppose that boredom, if it becomes terminal, would have to be classified as a type of wound.

    Eventually, in timid response to one of the conversation’s earlier tangents (or, more properly, one of the fragments of Ms. LaRue’s halting and ongoing monologue), one of Vesithia’s companions ventured, “I feel certain that the body retains some memory of every encounter it has ever had with human hands.”

    Hogwash, Vesithia said. Utter fucking hogwash.

    If there was one phrase that defined Vesithia LaRue (and in truth there were a great many), it was, “I strongly disagree.”

    As strident and forceful as Ms. LaRue could be –and she could be very strident and forceful indeed– she never, ever resorted to outright exclamation, although the temptation to insert exclamation points after her utterances was nonetheless irresistible.

    2) Vesithia LaRue had a dog. It was smallish and ordinary-looking, the type of dog of apparent mixed breed that one was likely to encounter at any dog park or animal shelter. So ordinary looking was Ms. LaRue’s dog, in fact, that her mother, Estelle, had once referred to the animal as a “generic sort of dog,” a description that Vesithia pronounced “unpardonable,” and which led to a protracted estrangement between mother and daughter.

    Estelle LaRue was now (fairly recently, in fact) dead, but while she had been among the living there had been many such protracted estrangements with her daughter, all of them caused, the older Ms. LaRue would contend, by small misunderstandings.

    Vesithia LaRue had a long history of misunderstandings large and small –of misunderstanding others and being herself misunderstood. Many, if not most, of these misunderstandings were the result of her insistence that others abide by her own version of the truth, a version of the truth which might charitably be described as peculiar.

    Vesithia would claim, for instance, that her smallish, ordinary-looking dog –which, owing to her characteristic inability to make up her mind, was called either Pronto or Presto– was an African Dancing Dog. This, she asserted, was an extremely rare breed, and had once been on the endangered species list. Vesithia had acquired the dog, she said, on a trip to Nigeria.

    Despite the animal’s purported breed, no one could recall ever having seen Pronto (or Presto) dance. Many people, however, had heard the dog bark. What it was apparently lacking in dance skills, Vesithia LaRue’s little dog more than made up for in the noise-making department.

    The creature’s incessant barking had, in fact, prompted Ms. LaRue’s eviction from a half dozen different apartments.

    3) Vesithia LaRue had been born Vesithia LaRoach, a name that had been for her a torment of longstanding. It was, she would tell her mother from a very early age, insufferable. It was unpardonable, egregious, and an affront to someone of Vesithia’s refined sensitivity.

    These words Vesithia had learned from a book called Thirty Days To A Larger Vocabulary, which she had stolen from the library at Blanche Patch Middle School, along with another book called The Golden Keys To Self-Improvement. There was a chapter in this latter book –“If You Don’t Like Yourself, Be Someone Better!”– that Vesithia had revised in her mind to “If You Don’t Like Yourself, Be Someone Different!”

    Toward this end –her goal was to be someone entirely different– Vesithia was determined to change her name. Her nickname at Blanche Patch Middle School was “The Roach,” and hearing these words hurled at her every day by cruel schoolmates, Vesithia would tell her mother, had left her permanently, irrevocably scarred.

    “But, dear, it is your name,” Estelle LaRoach had told her daughter. “There is not a thing in the world you can do about it.”

    Vesithia knew that in this, as in so much else, her mother was mistaken, and the day she turned eighteen years old, with money she had made working at the perfume counter at the Younker’s Department Store, she had applied for a legal name change for both her mother and herself.

    The elder Ms. LaRue knew that it was pointless to resist her daughter in any matter on which she had set her mind, and so reluctantly went along with the change. In time, she would eventually admit, she had come to appreciate her new name.

    4) In my private moments, Vesithia LaRue would say, I cannot deny that I feel my soul to be an unspeakably forlorn place.

    Vesithia was not in the least bit reluctant about making public the many feelings that were incubated in her private moments.

    Despite her frequent insistence that she had not been wounded, it was generally assumed by all who knew her that Vesithia LaRue had, in fact, had her heart broken by Roland Thames Trempeleau, a postal carrier and classical music composer whom she had met once upon a time at a Mensa meeting.

    Roland Trempeleau, Vesithia was fond of recounting, had wooed and courted her with “elegant zeal and uncommon ardor.” Roland had been a perfect gentleman, and he had been –or so Vesithia would claim– unabashedly smitten with her.

    I have been swept off my feet, she would often report in the early days of her tempestuous yet wholly covert courtship with Roland Trempeleau.

    Whether people were inclined or disinclined to believe these reports varied a great deal, but it was nonetheless undeniable that no one who had ever been subjected to Vesithia’s breathless accounts of her affair had ever so much as laid eyes on the man, let alone made his acquaintance. They were, however, told that Roland Trempeleau had a habit that drove Vesithia absolutely wild; whenever he checked his wristwatch, it was said, Roland would jerk his whole body upwards, roll back on his heels, hunch his shoulders dramatically, and then raise his right arm, cocked at an extreme and exaggerated angle, in front of his face.

    Vesithia would often provide public demonstrations of this ritual, and it was, she claimed, the sexiest thing she had ever seen.

    Alas, Roland Thames Trempeleau, once such a perfect gentleman, had in the end been revealed as just another cad, this after he purportedly abandoned Vesithia for an “internationally renowned cellist with a major American orchestra.”

    To reveal any more information than this, Vesithia would insist, would be indiscreet.

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  • Bust a gut time

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    Gerrymandering. Wasn’t he the guy who played “The Beaver”?

    Here is the first line from Tom Delay’s statement on his indictment:

    “This morning, in an act of blatant political partisanship, a rogue district attorney in Travis County, Texas, named Ronnie Earle charged me with one count of criminal conspiracy.”

    Imagine, someone with prosecutorial power using said power for partisan political purposes. Oh, my!

    Let’s see, does anyone remember Ken Starr? Does anyone remember who the House leader was who pushed for Clinton’s impeachment?

    You only get three guesses. And the first two don’t count.

  • Go directly to jail, do no collect $200

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    What’s a guy gotta do to get arrested in this country?

    The news today, if you are paying attention to anything other than Bush’s attempt to convince us he cares about poor people on the Gulf Coast, is that Private Lynndie England is going to prison for three years for her part in the Abu Ghraib disgrace.

    Farther down the news chain, so far that it’s not even on the news chain any more, is Judith Miller, who has now been in jail for 84 days for refusing to testify about her source in the Plame leak case.

    Cindy Sheehan went to jail on Monday (briefly) because she refused to move off the White House sidewalk.

    Who’s not in jail? Alberto Gonzales, Attorney General of the United States and architect of the Bush torture policy; Karl Rove, the guy who actually revealed the name of a CIA agent to the press; and, let’s not forget the Commander in Chief, who knowingly lied to the American People to start a war in Iraq which killed Cindy Sheehan’s son.

  • Walking Backwards Into Babylon

    It’s pretty obvious by now that I’ve run out of gas. I think everybody has run out of gas. The only thing more depressing than a baseball team playing out the string in late September is a baseball team from which you expected big things playing out the string in September.

    It messes up your whole world, and even as you watch it slip away you know that winter is out there in the night, marching doggedly toward the city. In the distance you can already hear the rattle of its drums and see the smoke from its campfires.

    In no time at all the 2005 season will be splayed on the autopsy table in a dank basement morgue, and it will be all you can do to make the trip down the stairs to poke around in the cadaver looking for answers.

    I don’t suppose I’ll do much poking around this winter. When a stiff comes through the door with a massive blunt trauma to the skull it doesn’t take Quincy to figure out what killed the damn thing. In this instance, though, I’d imagine that even a cursory probe of the guts would nonetheless reveal some unpleasant surprises.

    The blow to the head –or the repeated blows to the head– might be the final verdict on the cause of death, but I suspect that if the poor bastard had had a bit more fight in him he might have avoided the blows in the first place, and he might still be standing, might still be breathing.

    How the Twins managed to stagger the last two-and-a-half months without a pulse is a mystery for the ages.

    Since 1982 I have managed to hang in there right down to the wire in every single baseball season. I’m sure if I looked back through my scorebooks I’d see that I attended the last home game of the year in at least 80% of those seasons.

    I won’t be there this year, though. I’ve had a hard time being there almost from the beginning. Life has gotten in the way all season, and the Twins have obliged by giving me few reasons to regret that I’ve mostly stayed home.

    They have gone from frustrating to disappointing to just plain bad.

    Baseball is, though, a damn hard habit to break, and on each of the previous two nights I found myself sitting down in front of the television and watching the games from start to finish.

    That, I’m sure you realize, took some patience I didn’t even realize I had left, particularly on Monday night. That 5-0 loss to Kansas City (and the horrendous J.P. Howell) may well have been the low point of the season, which almost made it worth watching. Howell, of course, is lefthanded, but by now it really makes absolutely no difference. The Twins couldn’t hit Thurston Howell. They couldn’t hit Norman Fell, and I’m not even sure Fell is still alive.

    For almost the entire season Minnesota’s starting pitchers have had to approach their jobs with the mindset of soccer goaltenders, and it has been depressing to watch. If they give up three runs –or three goals– the game is essentially over. The now overwhelming evidence suggests that if they give up two runs the game is over.

    Last night, at least, with Johan Santana on the mound, you knew going in that the Twins had a pretty good shot at winning one of those 2-1 games for a change. It was big of them to tack on that extra insurance run in the late going.

    There is no reason in the world, other than the fact that he has had to labor for the 2005 version of the Twins, that Santana is not cruising towards his second Cy Young award. As it is it’s a wonder that the guy has managed to win fifteen games with this feeble lineup. On a decent team, a team with even a modestly competent offense, at least four Twins starters would have fifteen wins.

    I will say this, though: This team wasn’t that bad. Or, rather, they shouldn’t have been this bad. I think it’s just been one of those years. Teams have them. Some teams, of course, have them routinely. I don’t think that’s going to be the case with the Twins. I honestly believe –because, really, what choice do I have?– that they’ll be much, much better next year.

    Hell, even now, I still believe they’ll be much, much better tonight.

  • From The Ruins

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    There will come a day, mark my words, when every conceivable disappointment will meet in a giant hangar somewhere in Kansas. Every dashed dream and broken heart from all over America will converge there on the edge of some dusty little town to awkwardly mingle and avoid eye contact. Just as in Vegas, in the hangar there will be no natural light and no clocks, and the only way to mark the passage of time will be by the exhaustion in people’s eyes.

    Among those who will make the discouraging trek: The man who once upon a time dreamed of becoming an astronaut and grew up instead to become an unhappy insurance adjustor. The woman whose naked body was never seen –let alone touched– by anyone outside a doctor’s office. The failed writer of science fiction novels who lived with his mother until her death and, oafish and sweating, stalked about his old neighborhood in camouflage and, well into middle age, raced remote control cars up and down the sidewalk in front of his house. The jilted lovers, brides left at the alter, and infertile couples. The boy who asked Santa Claus for a Dukes of Hazzard pinball machine and received instead a Slinky, a seemingly small and isolated letdown that nevertheless in time planted the seeds for a lifelong pathology of disenchantment.

    Also present: Beauty pageant rejects, disgraced public servants, neglected children, actors that never got a break, persistent writers of ignored doggerel, bitter misanthropes and alcoholics, those for whom an adolescent crisis of faith became crushing and permanent, brooders and pipe smokers, and all manner of neglected or talent-less musicians, artists, and philosophers.

    You can be sure the sleepless will be there, standing in zombie pockets at some remove from packs of the pathologically shy, the socially awkward, and the chronically fatigued.

    Should you make the pilgrimage you will be joined as well by stalled middle-managers, the perpetually startled, orphans, gimpy quarterbacks, cheerleaders who grew old gracelessly, bankrupts, and scores of broken refugees from Nashville, Hollywood, and New York.

    There’ll be quite a crowd, to be sure, and you’re virtually guaranteed to recognize all sorts of old friends, neighbors, and former co-workers, and they’re certain to bitch ceaselessly, provided they haven’t been made entirely mute by their disappointment.

    God knows there’ll be plenty to bitch about: It will rain every day, the food will be lousy, and the accommodations will be sadly lacking. Entertainment –for lack of a better word– will be provided by an assortment of some of the worst garage bands, barbershop quartets, choirs, magicians, mimes, ventriloquists, and baton twirlers you’ve ever seen.

    As the evening wears on a bullhorn will be passed among the congregation of the disappointed, and each person will be allowed to shout out one sentence or declaration.

    It’s interesting, if fruitless, to speculate what those present might make of this brief opportunity to express themselves. How many do you suppose will use their moment in the spotlight to merely blurt terse, general condemnations laced with profanity? How many, however disappointed, will declare some enduring love or eternal regret? You can certainly imagine that there will be a great deal of stammering, and many will simply attempt to articulate some already broken promise, ineffectual apology, or impossible wish. Others, of course, will have nothing to say.

    Should you or I find ourselves there in that awkward crowd of the bruised and broken what words would we find to speak to the assembled? What might we say to the better, happier people we –all of us– should have been? And do you suppose there will be even one among us who will have enough small courage or faith remaining to utter some message of hope?

    Finally, at some point in the endless night, black and white balloons will be distributed, and on command they will be released to rise slowly up into the distant rafters of the hangar. This gesture will mean different things to different people, and to some it will mean absolutely nothing at all.

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  • Does It Suck, or is it Just Me? Or Both?

    I was surprised to see last week’s New Yorker, the Style Special, for a couple of reasons. First it was poly-bagged with a supplement called “Fashion Rocks” (more about this in a moment), and second, because it contains what I first thought to be one of the bigger flubs in New Yorker history.

    Considering that New Yorker errors usually run to about two typos per year (“emnity” is the only one I’ve spotted in 2005), and a marginal dangler or two in a Lemann rush-job commentary, this one seemed a doozy. Pages 155 to 162 were published twice. Once where they belong, and again in the middle of the book, replacing pages 81-91.

    Now, I don’t usually notice the pagination in itself, but it seemed odd to me that they’d suddenly plopped Nancy Franklin and David Denby into the feature well, along with the Postal Service boilerplate. I knew the jig was up when I saw the backpage caption contest in the middle of the book, and it was the same one that appeared at the back of the book. Editors hate when this happens. The sympathetic nausea set in. Being experienced in these kinds of capers, I eventually figured out that the error eliminated Shouts & Murmurs and the first couple pages of Peter Hessler’s letter from China. Knowing how we writers and editors all idolize the New Yorker, I felt especially bad for Paul Rudnick, who doesn’t get that many stabs at the humor page.

    I asked David Remnick about this, and it was apparently the first he’d heard about it. I asked around here, and so far, I seem to have the only mixed-up copy, so that is a sympathetic relief. Here I was prepared to offer the cynical explanation that these special theme issues are so easy to set aside that no one but a truly pathetic magazine geek would notice. (Is your copy FUBAR? Let me know.)

    This is no reflection on the quality of theme issues, per se. I just think it’s human nature to reject products that are overpackaged. There are huge sections of wonderful magazines and newspapers that I do not read, simply because I am annoyed to have to machete the cane breaks that tell me I’m about to wade into the “Arts Feature” or the “the World of Michael Musto” or a “Special Advertising Section on Head Trauma,” or whatever. Surprise me.

    Other than the lingering influence of Tina Brown’s evanescent moment, it is not entirely clear to me why the New Yorker still publishes a dozen or so special issues per year. The fiction specials make a certain amount of sense, but beyond that–travel, food, style–they begin to devolve into mannered exercises in grouping vaguely related content, I suppose for the benefit of advertisers. We experience that kind of pressure around here all the time; salons and spas wish to buy ads in our special salons and spas issue, or our special salons and spas section. Can we please fax over our editorial calendar? And when we tell them we don’t have that sort of thing, they seem confused and concerned. (We believe they have been brainwashed by certain low-rent publications that are always promising to write about them if they purchase advertising.) It would be a useful tool for advertisers, I suppose, to know if we are planning any editorial content that would make their advertisments look especially good. But we don’t like to run a magazine just to satisfy advertisers, because that is inevitably insulting to readers, who begin to feel like a third wheel. The larger irony in my mind is this: Why do advertisers wish to congregate with their direct competitors in special issues and special sections? The whole point of advertising at this late date is to cultivate a remarkable, unique, “big bang” brand in an overcrowded media marketplace. Contrast. Juxtaposition. Innit?

    I have not noticed a major inflow of advertising in the New Yorker’s special issues. Depending on how you count, and whether your issue is paginated correctly, this number is large enough to be perfect bound, but not exactly a bag-buster. But look at this: The sixty-page “Fashion Rocks,” an unpaginated glossy stand-alone that appears to have been seeded by Citi bank.

    I have the habit of looking at magazines backwards, from the back cover in, and as I browsed the separate supplement, I had two thoughts–this could not possibly have been put together by New Yorker staff. Two, it looks and reads like a Rolling Stone feature well from about 1998, featuring one-on-one style-related interviews with rock stars like David Bowie, Gwen Stefanie, Nelly, Duran Duran (Duran! Duran! My god) and so on. Indeed, I haven’t seen such a relentlessly sycophantic and ephemeral group of soft-focus celbrity “profiles” for almost a decade, having thought the glossy form died long ago and was buried in the local newspaper.

    Great moments in music journalism revisited (and these are just the leads:

    “It is midday on a bright, blazing Thursday in July, but it’s dark inside this cavernous pool hall outside New Orleans… this broken down address is not where you would expect to find the five relatively cheerful, well-tailored members of Duran Duran.”

    “‘I love makeover shows,’ says Beyonce Knowles.”

    “Cornell Haynes Jr. is a lover not a fighter.” [That’s Nelly, you know.]

    “When Joss Stone landed a record deal at the age of 14, she made one thing clear to the label brass: The clothes stay on.”

    A quick glance at the masthead–have to admit it is surprising anyone would actually want to take the blame for this unfortunate enterprise–reveals that
    a lot of people are either calling in favors or working on a third mortgage. It is like a time machine back to The Nineties at Wenner Media. The buck stops at the top of the masthead with Bob Love, the longtime, genteel, but aged editor of Rolling Stone who was displaced by rampant Ladism, but it passes through the hands of a kind of Love Boat cast of nineties “rock journalists” who specialized in the longform kissup–Jancee Dunn, Danyel Smith, David Wild, and so on. I have nothing against any of these people personally (indeed, I composed a few real stinkers myself back when), but the exposure is frigidly dated, and calls to mind an old adage: Never do anything just for the money. Also: You’re only as good as your last byline. Also: Script faces and faux xerox faces went out of style about six years ago, and do not yet qualify as kitsch. (Okay, now I’m being mean.)

    In fact, the Fashion Rocks supplement to The New Yorker shows so little actual substance or style that it cannot possibly have passed over the desk of any editors at the New Yorker, and I wonder whether the publishing side even got a peek at it. Perhaps it is so bad because its chosen parameters–rock stars who wear or sell or talk about their own fashion lines–are inherently lame. It strikes me that the relevance of, say, P. Diddy and Scott Stapp and Boy George to the sartorial world is inversely proportional to their relevance in the music world. In other words– diversify your brand while you can, rock star and rock writer. There are advertising supplements waiting for you.

    True, I am such a hopeless and idealistic magazine dork that part of me believes this messed up issue of The New Yorker will somehow be collectible, like a mis-struck coin from the mint, or a Dewey Defeats Truman headline–if only I hadn’t torn into the polybag and forever devalued it. That Fashion Rocks supplement, though. Unfortunately, due to the high gloss and clay content, I can’t even use it for fish wrap. But I may keep it around anyway, as a sort of professional warning, or an idol to mammon.

    P.S. If your copy of the September 26 issue was screwy, before you sell it on e-baylet me know, and I’ll pass along the info to Remnick. They’ll probably be glad to know what the exact damage may be.

  • Rilke, Badly Mangled, With A Line Stolen Outright From Stevie Smith

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    I live my life in shrinking orbits,

    which move inward from the things of the world.

    Perhaps I can never fully silence my heart,

    but that will be my attempt.

    I am shadow boxing with God, around and around

    this small, dark room, and I have been plodding in circles

    for a thousand years. And I still don’t know,

    still don’t know if, still don’t know what I am.

    I was much too far out all my life

    and not waving but drowning.

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  • That Will Be Fine. I Think That Will Be Just Fine

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    Time stands still

    And we and things go whizzing past it,

    Queasy and lonely,

    Wearing dogtags with scripture on them.

    James Galvin, “Two Horses and a Dog”

    We’ll be all right if nothing goes wrong with the lighting.

    Robert Frost, from “It Bids Pretty Fair”

    All day words were swirling, assembling themselves, unbidden, in inspired formations. It was a thing of real beauty, and I sprawled in the grass and watched them with wonder.

    I let them go.

    Time and again it occurred to me that I should make some effort to catch them, to capture them, that I should bestir myself and blast them from the sky; that I should gather them up and soak them in some preservative and pin them to something for permanent display.

    But I did not stir.

    I watched them gradually dissolve and disappear and fade away into the clouds and into the distance and, eventually, into the falling darkness. There would, I felt sure, be more where those came from. I always feel certain there will be more where those came from, even as, still, I have absolutely no idea where those, where they, where any of them come from, or where they go when they flee.

    I get to the bottom of the day and sit here listening to the trilling of the dying cicadas as autumn advances resolutely on the city; and suddenly I find myself thinking that perhaps, after all, there are not, or there will not be, more words where those came from, even as they keep coming, ever more slowly now, exhausted, diminished and disconsolate as the dying cicadas.

    One day certainly they will disappear for good, they will stop coming finally and forever, and then there will be only silence and a vast sky empty except for the sun.

    That will be fine.

    I think that will be just fine.

    Words are not people.

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    Paul Klee, Angelus Novus

    A Klee painting named ‘Angelus Novus’ shows an angel looking as though he is about to move away from something he is fixedly contemplating. His eyes are staring, his mouth is open, his wings are spread. This is how one perceives the angel of history. His face is towards the past. Where we perceive a chain of events, he sees one catastrophe, which keeps piling wreckage upon wreckage and hurls it in front of his feet. The angel would like to stay, awaken the dead, and make whole what has been smashed. But a storm is blowing from Paradise; it has got caught in his wings with such violence that the angel can no longer close them. This storm irresistibly propels him into the future to which his back is turned, while the pile of debris before him grows skyward. This storm is what we call progress.

    Walter Benjamin, “Theses on the Philosophy of History”

  • Funny-Ha-Ha Versus Funny-Weird

    Amid all the news of the End Times, you may not have noticed that the New York Times Magazine introduced a new department last Sunday. They are calling it “The Funny Pages.” They are not funny.

    The most obvious attempt at what would normally be called humor was Elizabeth Gilbert’s confessional essay on yoga, in which the author describes a yoga class she’d taken while living in Tennessee–the first time, she says, she’d ever lived in “the South.” She is obliged to overcome her yoga purism, which is a backward way of saying she thinks her Southern Belle instructor is an idiot, and this of course is funny in the traditional “Y’all talk funny down here!” line. The juxtaposition might be a humorous one in the hands of an actual humorist, but Gilbert really manages just one laughline, which she isn’t convinced y’all heard the first time, so she repeats it. (“Work them BOOBS off, y’all!” Would have been funnier if she’d said “tits,” but I don’t see the Times, or Elizabeth Gilbert for that matter, going there.) I like Elizabeth Gilbert fine–she’s done some really nice work, particularly when she’s following the wise instinct to write about other people. A few years ago, in speaking about her first book, “Pilgrims,” she told Ploughshares, “I did not want to write a thinly veiled, autobiographical, memoirish book. I wanted to tell stories about other people besides myself, stories about the kind of people I love and feel for in this world.” That is surely an admirable and rare instinct in a writer, and I don’t hold this yoga business against her. It just feels like a piece that had been lined up as a palliative evergreen for the terminally maudlin “Lives” department. I’d be more convinced by a piece from a practicing humorist like, say, Garrison Keillor or even Neal Pollack, or better yet, Jeff Johnson.

    A reader starting from the back of “the Funny Pages” will find the first installment in a serialized novella called “Comfort to The Enemy.” Elmore Leonard, of course, is a great, unusual, underrated American writer. (So good, in fact, that he apparently has one of those coveted “no-edit” clauses in his contract with the Times, which led him to give his protagonist an honorary discharge from the Navy, rather than an honorable one; or maybe Carl has gone AWOL unintentially.) It is certainly a good thing to see Leonard writing in the popular press, and it reminds me of Stephen King’s awesome back page in Entertainment Weekly–an example of why great writers can make just about anything fun to read. I have to admit, though, that Leonard’s first chapter was an exhausting strafing of nouns. Also, it was not funny.

    What may be the most obvious or literal feint at a “funny page” is Chris Ware’s page, a serialized panel in the stoic but expansive style of Jimmy Corrigan The Smartest Kid on Earth. It’s a nice gesture–and a symbolic one, the Times being probably the Last Major Periodical on Earth to publish serious adult comics. But a funny (weird) thing happens on the way to the printer. Given the otherwise relentlessly humorless context of the Times Magazine, the emotionally masochistic Ware is being positioned as humor– that is, as light, diversionary, experimental material–but this does him a great disservice and plays to the highly irritating, dated, and stereotypical misunderstanding that comics, especially “literary comics” or “graphic features” are necessarily funny, just like children’s books are always supposed to be moral fables, or a crime novel must always be a police procedural.

    The funniest thing about the funny pages is probably the appropriation of Gen-X self-consciousness on the cover of the magazine, hawking the new department, which I can’t copy down for you, because I don’t have the thing in front of me at the moment. These antique stylings landed there no doubt at the gentle insistence of “Funny Pages” editor John Hodgman, and could have been lifted from McSweeney’s (a crush that has lately flowered publicly at the Times magazine, a couple years late, as befits the general Male Patttern Baldness of the Times magazine since Adam Moss left for, erm, New York). Editor Gerry Marzorarti may not be the hippest guy, but he eventually comes around to it. (He’s polite, though, and he apparently turns on the listening ears once in a while; Hodgman is a sort of second-string Dave Eggers who has been running the happy “Little Gray Book Lectures” for literary groupies in Brooklyn. Also, he knows how to roll logs for his friend Elizabeth Gilbert. She is not funny. Did we mention that?)

    There is the possibility that the new elements are merely misnamed. As the editors themselves make clear, the new pages were inspired by a somewhat historic sense of the phrase “funny pages,” i.e. The American Weekly, a diversionary Sunday supplement slipped into Hearst newspapers during the Gilded Age. These sorts of things were really funny-weird as much as they were funny-ha-ha, but reappropriating that aesthetic to the twenty-first century is a little problematic, and feels more like hedging their bets against the notoriously brutal world in which professional humorists run.

    Then too, it may be more an organizational issue than a content issue. If there is one thing that is most striking about the state of the art in American magazines today, it is that they take themselves far too seriously, and they read other magazines much too closely. There is little or no innovation. If the Times got one thing right, it is the impulse to look back through the yellowing stacks of the 20th century, and to see just how much has been lost. When magazines were the mass medium of entertainment, before radio, TV, and film, they were far more entertaining. Today, they either want to change the world or change your buying habits, but they figure you’ll entertain yourself someplace else. The Times magazine, to its credit, I think, has somehow managed to preserve the impulse (and, no doubt, the margins) to innovate and invent, and keep life interesting.

    I realize that humor is a hard thing, but what’s wrong with, you know, the more obvious kind of funny-ha-ha humor? I’d guess that if the pages themselves don’t actually get funny before too long, in other words run the risk of being spectacularly unfunny (not precisely the same thing as being humorless) they’ll be dropped like a prom dress.