Month: September 2005

  • Newspapers in Turmoil!

    If you’re a shareholder, the money is still pretty good, but in almost every other way this is a rough time for the middlebrow, mainstream media. Judging by all the hand-wringing, navel-gazing, and gloomy, self-flagellating punditry you’d think the mainstream news media–the “MSM,” as bloggers love to peck—are at the fiery brink as a consequence of their fading influence and terminal irrelevance. Average daily newspapers in particular. There is no shortage of MSM news professionals somberly spreading their own ashes. For the most part, the tone among older journalists is funereal, and for good reason. Old-fashioned journalism is taking a kicking and there’s no sign the beatings will abate.

    From the outside, the consumer’s perspective is pretty much one of business as usual. There are generalized complaints about media performance. Too biased. Too dull. Too silly. Too timid. Of course, the real doomsaying and finger-pointing is confined to newsrooms, journalism schools, and the rapidly expanding blogging community, which is especially obsessed with MSM. Awash in twenty-four-hour cable and Internet punditry, the average news “consumer” certainly feels no slackening in the flow of headlines, alerts, “breaking news,” and bloviation. But within the beast, the sense of creative ennui and peril is so tangible you can taste it on your teeth.

    There are exceptions, of course. Along with a handful of “major newspapers”—the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, the Los Angeles Times, and the Washington Post—offering full journalistic service, there are a few carefully guarded, broadcast news venues: ABC’s documentary unit (championed by the late Peter Jennings), Nightline, CNN’s intermittently provocative investigative unit and Aaron Brown’s NewsNight, and National Public Radio. But almost everywhere else, newsrooms have been stripped of adequate resources, imagination, and editorial courage. Too much of the regular, daily content of too many news organizations is filled with predictable, redundant stories produced in the same bland newspeak, the same inevitable tone and perspective.

    Meanwhile, the competition is doing whatever it pleases.

    The pummeling comes from an increasingly familiar collection of muggers, beginning with MSM’s very own corporate parents. The executive boards overseeing mainstream newsrooms—from ABC, CBS, and NBC down to the St. Paul Pioneer Press—have slashed staff and whacked budgets in their attempts to squeeze every conceivable penny of profit out of their “subsidiaries.”

    “For the moment the cow is still giving milk,” one Twin Cities metro columnist told me, “but that’ll end pretty fast once they cut off the last of the fresh grass.”

    Simultaneously, political ideologues of all persuasions, but primarily of the right wing, have badly intimidated MSM editors and news directors into playing a disingenuous “balance” game to counter bogus charges of being politically biased. The intention may be noble, but the effect is to suck out yet more passion, character, and accuracy from the news, at the very moment they’re needed most. There is a growing view among journalists that the MSM, by holding back on regular, aggressive challenges to power in all its forms—political, corporate, cultural—is losing its most precious commodity, namely its influence. Worse, it’s a losing business proposition; the dulling, or “balancing down,” of daily news content is having the effect of pumping high-octane fuel into the alternative news and analysis media.

    By “alternative,” I mean primarily the Internet, where bloggers today are already beating mainstream news professionals at half their game—the half that requires a “journalist” to make the news interesting and enjoyable to read. Despite doing almost no original reporting and living in a parasitic symbiosis with the mainstream media, the influence of bloggers is expanding as rapidly as the MSM’s is declining .

    Then there’s the kids. Surveys regularly indicate that citizens from age zero to thirty don’t seem to care or even notice what our august Op-Ed pages say. Lavished with a variety of news and opinion options unimagined by their parents, modern kids don’t seem to be migrating to MSM at all—even after they land their first mortgages—unlike people in generations past. What to do? More “features,” “trend” stories on reality dating shows? Another round of updates on Jen and Brad, Vince and Jen, Jen and Ben? Ben and Jerry? Or how about yet another “take out” on American Idol?

    (There are few things more unintentionally funny than listening to a group of middle-aged and prematurely middle-aged newsroom cave dwellers—people whose daily existence is consumed by newsroom bureaucracy—argue and opine about what trends “our younger readers” demand be covered. If life is like high school with real money, it’s like watching the class nerds plan activities for the next cool kids’ party.)

    Simultaneously, more and more of a certain sophisticated, already well-informed news consumer, in other words the ideal MSM customer of any age, is beginning to rely on the Jon Stewart style of fake news. What Stewart is supplying are the socially palatable (that is, humorous), argument-framing clues and cues for pursuing one of the most basic journalistic questions: What does this all mean?

    If each of these attacks—the blogs, the kids, the Jon Stewarts—were a punch to the head, the flurry would have the aged champ slumped against the ropes, eyes swollen shut, and bleeding from a crushed nose. While the general public may be barely aware and largely indifferent to this watershed moment in news dissemination, professional journalists are obsessed with it. At the very least, news professionals fear that even if their network, station, or newspaper survives, they will live to see a day, certainly within the next decade, when they’ll be sharing their much-diminished influence and credibility with news writers who play by a far different set of rules, if any at all.

    By any objective measurement, the business of mainstream news media remains enviably profitable. In stark contrast with hidebound, torpid, flint-chippers like General Motors and Ford, local TV stations and newspapers look like visionaries, with current industry-wide profit margins in the range of forty percent (and up) and twenty-three percent respectively. So if you’ve got retirement-in-Arizona dough sunk into any of the big brand names, good for you. But be prepared to liquidate on short notice.

    This past spring’s report from the non-profit Audit Bureau of Circulation that newspaper circulation had dropped 1.9 percent nationwide in the previous six months hit MSM watercooler pundits like a pink slip from upper management. (That number was released after several Top Twenty newspapers were caught cooking their circulation figures—that is, engaging in fraud—to maintain ad rates.) Meanwhile, the evening newscasts of ABC, NBC, and CBS have declined 28.4 percent since 1991, and they continue to fall. Locally, the Star Tribune is an exception. The flagship of the comparatively small McClatchy Company actually posted a modest circulation increase.

    Even so, despite consistent-to-precipitous circulation and ratings declines, media empires like Gannett, Knight-Ridder, Viacom, GE, and Rupert Murdoch’s News Corporation are still providing their shareholders with a satisfactory return on investment. To paraphrase Molly Ivins, their profit margins have been pushed from merely excessive to obscene. They are floating the margins in part by denuding their labor-intensive news operations to squeeze out more cash for shareholders, a form of self-cannibalism.

    MSM journalists know they’re in a fight, and the brave among them speak candidly and publicly about what’s wrong, sometimes after they’ve left the corporate payroll. Former Star Tribune managing editor Tim McGuire, in a speech at Washington and Lee University this past May, springboarded off the comments of Washington Post executive editor Len Downie. Downie, still running the Post, insists newspapers aren’t dying. He says papers are just struggling to “adapt.” Right. And for a brief moment the dinosaurs tried to adapt when that asteroid hit the Yucatan.

    But McGuire said, “I think Len is right. He’s also correct when he says one of the impediments to that adaptation is excessive newspaper profits. Len says fifteen percent profit margins would be plenty.” McGuire then added, “I do believe it is crucial that newspaper executives face up to the fact that they are milking their industry for profits and failing to invest in the long-term health of the news-gathering and the advertising franchise.” He mentioned The Vanishing Newspaper, a new book by Philip Meyer, in which the author describes the current corporate news media dynamic as one of “harvesting the assets.”

    Meyer is a former reporter and now Knight Chair in Journalism at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, and he has plenty to say about what newspaper corporations are doing to their products. (While Meyer is often credited with the “harvesting the assets” conceit, he cites Harvard professor Michael Porter for the original phrase, “harvesting market position.”)

    “Managers do it by raising prices and reducing quality,” Meyer asserts, “so they can shell out the money [to shareholders] and run. I know of no newspapers who are doing this consciously. But the behavior of most points in this direction: Smaller news hole, lighter staffing, and reduced community service, leading of course to fading readership, declining circulation, and lost advertising. Plot it on a graph, and it looks like a death spiral.”

    The “death spiral” image is now an oft-quoted standard in newsroom conversations. Another apt term is “de-contenting.” It’s a Detroit euphemism for discreetly pulling quality out of new models of established brand-name cars, while simultaneously straining to sell them to the public as good or better than ever. Less sound-proofing, cookie-cutter styling, cheaper brakes and transmission. Same price. Or more. To see how well that plan works in an intensely competitive environment, check out GM and Ford’s bond ratings. They could not be much lower.

    “There’s lots of planning going on in newsrooms,” said McGuire. (The post-McGuire Star Tribune will unveil its latest, long-planned makeover sometime in the coming weeks.) “But most of the orders to find solutions to the industry’s deepest problems come with one instruction: Don’t spend significant money. I know several editors who have been told to research some radical new solutions, but then told to do it on the cheap. Publishers want to restore excitement to newspapers without spending a precious dime of that twenty-one to thirty-five percent profit margin. [It] won’t happen.” McGuire added, “When your franchise is under attack from every angle and you are obsessed with inexpensive, incremental solutions, then you are guilty of harvesting, milking, or negligence.”

    One can look at local TV news for the model. What ails the mainstream media in general first infected local TV news. It is a virus that has hit most second- and third-tier daily newspapers. Conglomerates such as Viacom and Gannett and Fox have long treated their local TV operations like ATMs. (In the Twin Cities, Viacom owns WCCO, Gannett owns KARE, and Fox/NewsCorp owns KMSP). Each demands in excess of thirty-five percent profit margins from these stations, some closer to fifty percent. During the past decade, they have gutted reporting and photography staffs and budgets to achieve these goals. Newspaper companies and their institutional investors watched this process enviously for several years, before finally looking at each other and saying, “We can do that, too.” And they have.

    The essential editorial criteria in the news cash-out formula is a new type of coverage. It is hyper-alert to tragedy, scandal, celebrities, tabloid pulp, sports, and sentimentality, and hyper-averse to seriously challenging local power entities—whether they are politicians, major corporations, or major advertisers. The overall personality of these operations is edgeless and reassuring. This requires constant vigilance to avoid too-sharp criticism and analysis, to cultivate a bland, vaguely fifties style of humor, and create a highly regimented docket of subject matter, tone, and vernacular—all innocent enough for a church picnic.

    Local TV news has this style down to a crass science. And now the giant newspaper chains are realizing they can sustain fat profit margins with a similar mix of the tragic, trite, and innocuous. (It is worth noting that of the four major newspapers, three, the New York Times, Wall Street Journal and Washington Post, are still primarily controlled by family shareholders, and therefore are less susceptible to the self-induced maladies of the publicly traded media.)

    Moreover, one can track the deterioration in what might be called unique, original content—material local newsrooms are producing through their own resources, as opposed to grabbing off a satellite or wire. Here, you can detect the industry at war with itself. The corporate mandate to maintain very high profit margins requires highly constrictive budgets. This on-the-run belt tightening requires a new type of newsroom manager, more accountant than journalist, to reshape and redirect the news staff to produce the news “product” research says the public wants. Managers have no choice, or natural inclination, to be anything other than corporate sycophants. Maverick journalists and “original thinkers” need not apply for management positions in the new system; they are considered remnants, holdouts, and cranks of a bygone era.

    Like local TV, editorial decision-making at newspapers today requires keeping a wary, worshipful eye on key, targeted demographics. Every media organization loves the attention of working mothers. But newspapers, especially those struggling for a sustainable foothold in their markets (like the St. Paul Pioneer Press), have no choice but to carefully marshal their diminishing resources in hopes of creating some appeal to upper-income suburbanites.

    The point is that too many newspaper managers are now bred, trained, indoctrinated, and “incentivized” to manage budgets, not writers and stories. The new manager lives in an insulated echo chamber, constantly exchanging boilerplate corporate prattle among his or her management peers and superiors, and issuing too-frequent-to-be-credible “red alerts” rushed out for employee consumption—and despair. It’s a fair question whether this new crowd are journalists at all. But whatever they are, they are unequipped to maneuver effectively and courageously in today’s landscape. They are also profoundly uncomfortable with anyone who fails to show the same kind of fealty to corporate policy as they do.

    Davis “Buzz” Merritt was a forty-three-year employee of the Knight Ridder corporation, twenty-three as editor of the Wichita Eagle. The company is widely regarded as a prime offender in the harvesting syndrome described by Meyer and McGuire. Merritt has written his own book, Knightfall, on the fate of his former company and, by extension, much of mainstream media. In it, he discusses the shift from the values of the Knight family, which had demonstrated a long-term commitment to re-investing in journalism as a way to sustain influence, to the current operators, the Ridder family, who, he argues, see journalism “as a business that just happens to be manufacturing newspapers.”

    Once news is reduced to a vehicle for profit, says Merritt, it becomes very easy to lose track of what exactly the consumer is buying. He fixes on the notion that newspapers need most to protect the influence they have as tough, courageous truth-sayers. But that kind of influence is endangered as MSM tries to slide by with ever-fewer practicing journalists in management, and ever-less relevant content.

    By the time the mainstream has fully squandered the essence of its influence (probably over the next decade, accelerating after the complete conversion to digital media), there will be at least three or four dozen marquee bloggers well enough established to declare parity with run-of-the-mill Op-Ed pages in both analytical acuity and readership. At that point NBC/GE might as well let Brian Williams read daily transcripts from Power Line and Daily Kos.

    So yes, traditional news—news gathered by professionals operating under well-understood rules of engagement, where fairness and accountability matter more than speed and sensation—is very much under siege.

    Some of the reasons for the great decline are external, contrived, and cynical, particularly the crackpot chorus that perpetually squawks about political “bias.” Dealing effectively with this crowd requires a vigorous one-two punch of offense and transparency. At the moment, institutional journalism’s reaction to new technology competition, like bloggers and cable, is like watching a group of dithering scientists, poisoned by their own success, scramble for the precise cocktail of journalistic, attitudinal, financial, and technological potions that will allow them to survive in a game that is getting faster, broader, more raw, more personally engaging, and far less conflicted by professional standards of “balance” than anything they ever imagined.

    Of all that afflicts mainstream news, the “issue” of bias should be the one most easily marginalized and defused. Other than a few newsroom neophytes who don’t yet know what to think, every professional reporter knows the “bias” charge is fundamentally a political strategem. They also know that it is primarily a right-wing gimmick only recently adapted by the left. Yet, management remains flummoxed.

    Generally, the preferred reaction to “bias” is to do nothing for the longest time, to wring hands, to tone down leftish columnists, hold another round of meetings and eventually announce the proverbial “nationwide search” for an unequivocally conservative Op-Ed or metro columnist, or both. Someone—whether they’ve ever reported a house-fire or not—who will act as a sop to conservative complainants and a counterweight for MSM editors’ own misplaced sense of liberal guilt.

    The most effective weapon bias-chargers have is the editors’ own belief that they really are liberal (which is to say that in newsrooms, there really is a preponderance of belief in nutty fringe ideas like equal pay for equal work, civil rights, social security net programs, environmental controls, and the like), and that journalistic ethics requires them to provide “balance” on every issue.

    This is nuts. A now-classic example of the kind of “balance” trap the MSM has got itself into was the so-called Swift Boat Veterans issue during the 2004 presidential campaign. The point was not that a Democrat, John Kerry, was the victim of a contrived, baseless smear. The point was that, rather than persistently assessing the accuracy of the charges of the Swifties, standard newsroom protocol required persistent “balance.” Six inches of quotes from the Swifties balanced by six inches of response from Kerry. Day after day. Eventually, readers were left with the “balanced” view that there was no truth and both sides were idiots. In terms of campaign tactics, Kerry has been justly criticized for failing to take the Swifties head on. But in too many news reports, that failure became a bigger, far more frequently reported story than whether what the Swifties said was even true.

    Fully reporting and regularly declaring the Swifties’ tale to be the transparent lie it was would, of course, have left journalists open to blistering attacks from talk-radio hosts and bloggers, and probably also an uncomfortable chat with upper management. But the Swift Boat episode falls into a familiar pattern whereby the media’s quaint notion of “balance” has it reporting more on the fracas than the facts.

    There have been other more critical failures by the MSM to place a priority on independently reporting and aggressively assessing the accuracy of basic information, as opposed to merely playing ringside stenographer to the political cat-fight. You can see it in the press pool’s anemic challenges to the White House’s months-long campaign for war in Iraq, and, more recently, the truly bizarre indifference to the so-called Downing Street Memo. To push harder, especially on the War on Terror, would have required a highly adversarial, public confrontation with a White House renowned for its “aggressive” reaction to journalistic impudence. But the point is that the lack of aggressive pursuit of the truth significantly diminishes the influence that is the MSM’s foundation. It is no coincidence that public approval of the MSM’s “job performance” shot upward dramatically in the aftermath of their entirely human reation and indignation to the government’s Hurricane Katrina response. Moreover, the chorus of challenges to President Bush’s rosy assessment of federal relief efforts was probably key to getting the president to admit, for the first time in six years, that mistakes were made and he was taking responsibility.

    But the charge that the average newsroom is liberal in any remotely radical way is laughable. Don’t get me wrong, MSM newsrooms are more socially liberal than, say, the Rev. James Dobson, Sean Hannity, Ann Coulter, Ralph Reed, and Rick Santorum. And they are also generally pro-choice, they probably vote Democratic in greater numbers, they believe in full rights for women, as well as—grab your garters—evolution, too. But that still leaves critics a very long way from proving a liberal agenda and systematic, facts-twisting bias. In my experience, ninety-five percent of reporters and editors are well within the mainstream of political attitudes, appropriately skeptical about every politician and every overreaching ideology. More to the point, like good bureaucrats everywhere, most reporters aren’t particularly political at all. Most are happy to get a good story, get it right, and get home in time for dinner and a little prime-time TV.

    The right’s grand strategy with regard to the mainstream press is to diminish its once potent influence in setting the conventional wisdom of American culture. By relentlessly and recklessly asserting that everything about the mainstream media is biased and agenda-driven, starting with politics but including garden-variety reporting on the whole vast array of social issues and science, the hope is that significant numbers of news consumers will grow cynical toward the mainstream and turn to new news venues where party is more important than reality.

    If you find yourself in a depressed, suicidal mood, by all means avoid getting trapped in an elevator with MSM editors and reporters discussing “what to do about the blogs?” It is truly trigger-pulling stuff. But what media managers struggle with most is how to maintain full editorial control. Which is to say, How do we blog within the same rules of professional journalism that are killing us in print? After all, blogs as we know them today are as wild and wooly as nineteenth century Deadwood, and often as profane as the HBO series. That thought terrifies mainstream editors. Blogging implies a voice that isn’t proper, isn’t necessarily dignified, and above all isn’t controlled by some kind of professional or corporate template.

    The attitude and writerly personal style of blogs is most similar to that of the best columnists—metro, politics, sports, whatever—and mainstream newspapers are constantly struggling with how much freedom they dare parcel out to even those characters. Why? Because columnists are, for better and worse, the voices who most embody the personality of the entire publication.

    The trend, in print, is not encouraging. Orthodox, lower-tier-MSM editorial policy is to be “empowering” to its home community. What that is assumed to mean is news that is encouraging, generous, uplifting, and unifying in both story selection and tone. But in effect, it delivers a product that prefers hugging to provocation. (Newspaper editors today still say they love “hell-raising.” But what they really mean is “heck-raising.”)

    On the same morning that the New York Times’ Judith Miller was heading to jail in the Valerie Plame investigation, her managing editor, Jill Abramson, was telling a lunch meeting of the paper’s young writers to “push back” against their editors, and fight for their voice and for material that might ordinarily offend the Grey Lady’s sensibilities. “Not to start WW III with editors,” Abramson told the New York Observer, “But I wanted to consciously send them a message that we want the paper to be full of engaging writing and engaging voices.”

    The reaction to this by a dozen or so writers at the two Twin Cities dailies was something on the order of a spit take. At the Pioneer Press “pushing back” against desperately overworked editors is regarded as an offense against nature, like slapping your mother. At the Star Tribune, the complaint is more that the editorial bureaucracy is so slumberous and complacent that a fight for creative voice is like ranting on the sidewalk outside City Hall. Besides, “edginess” is for the graphics editors.

    Where the Pioneer Press has been essentially abandoned by its corporate parent, Knight Ridder, and told to “make its numbers” however it must with no significant infusion of resources, the Star Tribune is the flagship of the McClatchey chain. (The common view is that the Pioneer Press has been so weakened that its home turf, the east metro, is the Star Tribune’s for the taking.) But the Star Tribune, a second-tier newspaper where the Pioneer Press has now slid lower, lives in a comfort zone where it could afford to take risks with unique voices, but doesn’t. Instead, the newspaper seems to be putting its money into a massive redesign.

    A prime example of the Star Tribune’s resistance to voice was the departure of sports columnist Dan Barreiro. The inability or unwillingness of the Star Tribune not just to accommodate Barreiro, but to appreciate his value to their influence, is startling. Barreiro, who declined to be interviewed for this story, is a “push back” kind of character. He’s a prickly, talented, aggressive guy whose columns were truly a must-read for any sports fan interested in the how, why, and you-gotta-be-kidding-me aspects of the industry of modern sports. Barreiro had other things to do, like a radio gig. But basically he was too iconoclastic, too opinionated, and too indifferent to criticism from powerful local institutions for the paper to properly control.

    The same applies to my friend Nick Coleman, a guy who has forgotten more about the people and power launderers of the Twin Cities than any of his insulated editors in the St. Paul Pioneer Press and Star Tribune cubicle farms ever dared to learn. But Coleman, like Barreiro, requires special accomodation and appreciation. It shouldn’t be hard to do.

    The bard of Anoka, Garrison Keillor, a lover of good writing and journalism, gave an interview to the Hartford Courant last April. He was about to speak to the 2005 National Writers Workshop and he wanted say something in defense of newspapers. It wasn’t easy. “I think that American newspapers have taken a very serious wrong turn,” said Keillor, “and that aside from a few newspapers, the quality of the product is in decline, especially for the reader, and I think that newspapers have forgotten that their readers are readers and love writing. Writing is what people want. They don’t want a sort of concept of journalism; they want writers. And writers are always individuals. This is what people turn to newspapers for. They don’t turn to newspapers for advice and for personal service and for sort of glossy pieces about lifestyle and home décor and cooking and how to bring up your children.”

    Talking to the journalism trade magazine Editor & Publisher a while later, Keillor added that today’s newspapers “are too positive and upbeat, on the mistaken assumption that that’s what readers are looking for.” Sadly, what Keillor is looking for is precisely the sort of stuff many newspapers are combing out of what remains of their pages. I can tell you from long, personal experience the sour reactions and looks I got from any TV review or trend piece that wasn’t a giddy celebration of the sheer, bouncy fun of The Bachelor, Joe Millionaire, or The Apprentice. “It’s what our readers want to read,” I was constantly told, by editors fresh back from another mandatory meeting with the research department.

    Newspapers are still the anchor of the mainstream media, despite the public’s overwhelming reliance on TV for breaking news. (Local TV news would implode if it didn’t have the morning paper to work from.) Papers still have the wherewithal to fight back against the appeal of the best bloggers. But in order to compete, they’re going to have to let at least some of their writers be actual writers, loosen their foundation garments, assert their opinions, employ more literary devices, and in general have some fun with the topics and people they cover.

    Colorful, well-sourced columnists embody the fundamental influence of mainstream newspapers. They are a paper’s primary asset in the battle against Internet maurauders. If the New York Times didn’t think so, they wouldn’t have set up their stable—Paul Krugman, David Brooks, Maureen Dowd, Tom Friedman—for separate, paid, online access a few weeks ago. Furthermore, every day you can check the Times’ list of the day’s “most emailed” stories for a snapshot of what readers want most from the paper. It isn’t lists of fun things to do with the weekend, or ponderously balanced stories on Supreme Court nominees. It’s the columnists.

    The appeal of good, sometimes irreverent writing, beyond what traditional mainstream newspapering currently allows, is borne out in a study by Northwestern University’s Readership Institute. Lately the Institute has partnered with the Star Tribune, testing models for the newspaper’s long-awaited redesign.

    The makeover is supposed to incorporate significant advances in online service, among other things. Many Star Tribune employees will be curious to see if it addresses anything mentioned here. Northwestern spent a lot of time assessing the tastes of those elusive “younger readers,” the ones who don’t read newspapers much, don’t watch traditional network news programs, and only leaf through Time and Newsweek at the dentist’s office.

    What they found was interesting: A remix of news choices with hipper, more irreverent headlines and stories written with blog-like attitude—not Jen-Brad-Angelina-style celebrity junk, but actual news—was in fact more appealing to young readers than the stuff the Star Tribune actually published (they focused the study on the Star Tribune’s Valentine’s Day 2005 edition). The Star Tribune test material was very similar to Chicago’s competing Red Eye and Red Streak free tabloids. (The “Reds” are two free weeklies published the Chicago Sun-Times and Chicago Tribune since 2002. They are aggressive efforts to lure young readers.)

    “What is interesting and revealing,” says Mike Smith, managing director of Northwestern’s Media Management Center, “is that the Sun-Times and Tribune have found that adults, loyal newspaper readers, are picking up the free weeklies in far greater numbers than first imagined.” In other words, a general loosening of the more staid conventions of professional journalism may very well offer more upside than risk to mainstream media.

    But lacking a relaxation of profit demands so counter-effective to creativity, risk-taking, and invention, the death spiral for most newspapers will probably continue. Few will actually fold. A monopoly in a market will always guarantee steady positive cash flow, no matter what the quality of the product. But as their irrelevance to literature-loving readers and aggressive news ferrets deepens, most will become glorified community newspapers and “repeater towers” for the handful of major papers and wire services.

    As for local TV news, the gold standard for cash-cow-dom and exemplar to so many others in the industry, they had better have a plan for the day the first shrewd video bloggers fire up their own local newscasts in the looming all-digital age. They must offer Daily Show fans a valid alternative to the silly, ossified, lucrative formula of happy faces, bloody pictures, weather, and sports that sent viewers to the Comedy Channel in the first place.

    Brian Lambert was the media critic at the St. Paul Pioneer Press for fifteen years. He left the Knight Ridder paper earlier this year after his “beat” was discontinued.

  • Soundtrack to Mary

    The other day I saw a television ad for something called Sedation Dentistry. Obviously, we are taking people’s fears of drills and root canals seriously. We are no longer shunning these hypochondriacs, and that seems like a step in the right direction. Maybe we are becoming more sympathetic as a culture.

    What else could be accomplished and overcome if only we could sleep through the process? Sedation National Night Out? I’d love to meet all of my neighbors and their kids at once, providing I’m unconscious. Before you scoff, remember I would be festively dressed and sitting in a lawn chair with a Diet Coke snugly wedged into my limp hand. It all sounds a little Weekend at Bernie’s, I know, but if it’s deemed socially acceptable to be terrified of a teeth cleaning, then I should be able to meet other challenges in a deep REM.

    I’m serious: We could really be onto something here. All of a sudden, more people I know would be RSVPing to baby showers and attending their friends’ local rock shows without hesitation. How about a tax audit? I’m so there! Your friend’s girlfriend has a walk-on role with two lines in a community theater production of Taming of the Shrew? Are you kidding? Hell, I’ll even go to the cast party. Imagine the possibility of your next family Sedation Thanksgiving!

    Drooling and with head down in the yams, trust me, there would be at least one relative exclaiming on the car ride home, “I had one of the nicest conversations I think I’ve ever had with Lucia. She seemed so happy. We should totally invite her to cousin Marie’s baby shower!” Sleeping through uncomfortable family get-togethers and work functions is nothing new. I believe the word I’m searching for is “alcoholic.” But Sedation Socializing sounds so much nicer.

    Email Mary at popularcreeps at yahoo.com.

  • The Future of Food

    We know where Kurt Cobain’s money goes, but what about the royalties from Jerry Garcia ties and Grateful Dead compilations? A chunk of it helped make this documentary by Garcia’s widow, Deborah Koons Garcia. In looking at the political and corporate forces that shape what we eat, The Future of Food may lack the gross-out power of Fast Food Nation and the dark comedy of Super Size Me–but it tells a thoroughly researched and beautifully filmed story of how genetically modified foods slipped into our diets almost without notice (an estimated sixty percent of processed foods now contain GMOs). It also offers an eye-opening look at how large-scale agriculture’s GMOs are affecting small farmers and the greater ecosystem. 10 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis; 612-627-4430; www.bellmuseum.org; www.mnfilmarts.org

  • Mir Iskusstva: Russia’s Age of Elegance

    As the new Museum of Russian Art has mounted a couple of intriguing survey shows since opening last spring, the Weisman has delved into Mir Iskusstva, a multidisciplinary artistic renaissance that marked the turn of the twentieth century in Russia. Borrowing some principles and elements of Art Nouveau, the visual art produced as part of this movement, as well as dance, literature, music, and theater, seemed to augur that happier and more prosperous times were on the horizon. Were these artists idealistic or completely delusional? Either way, this show, which includes nearly one hundred works in various media, demonstrates the fruits and power of wishful thinking. 333 East River Rd., Minneapolis; 612-625-9494; www.weisman.umn.edu

  • Kevin Kling

    When we called up Kevin Kling to talk about desert islands, we weren’t too surprised when the conversation turned to ice fishing. After all, this mysterious, frigid pastime has come up often in the work of the Twin Cities’ consummate storyteller. While Kling is Minnesotan to the core (he also squeezed in a Sven and Ole joke), he had a pretty Zen outlook on the whole idea of being deserted on a tropical island. “I’ve never been bored in my whole life, so I’m not worried about entertaining myself,” he said. Then the story began: “To me, being on a desert island isn’t so different from ice fishing. You can just sit and think for long periods of time without any guilt associated with it. I was in the Australian Outback in the eighties, hanging out with these aborigines, who I thought weren’t going to get Minnesota at all. But they really loved my ice fishing stories. And I realized that there’s a camaraderie in that form of isolation. Whether you’re sitting in the middle of a lake or the middle of a desert, there’s something universal about being at peace with long periods of thought.” This man is clearly ready for his Gilligan moment, and here’s what he’d bring:

    1. Bush, Cheney, Rove, Rumsfeld, and Sid Hartman. I wouldn’t enjoy being stranded with these guys, but just think of the good that would befall the rest of the country! It would be my civic duty.

    2. My partner Mary and our two dogs—wait, there’s three dogs now. And along with them would be leftovers from Lucia’s, where we had dinner just before we got on the plane that dropped us on the island.

    3. Some really practical stuff: A cotton swab, a bobby pin, hairspray, chewing gum, a sailor hat, and MacGyver—he could get us out of there the cotton swab and bobby pin.

    4. Don Quixote. That’s got pretty much everything in it, and at one point Sancho gets his own desert island, so I could read about that. I’d definitely work on my own writing, too. I’ve got a lot of things I could iron out.

    5. What about five surprises instead of five things? There’s a lot of creative potential there. Like in Castaway when Tom Hanks has to figure out what to do with the things he finds on the island. Or when Lynne Rossetto Kasper gets five ingredients and has to make a meal with them. It’d be neat if I landed on the island and there were five things that I didn’t know would be there. To me, that feels like storytelling.

    Kevin Kling’s new play, Freezing Paradise, is at the Guthrie Lab October 19–November 6; 700 First St. N., Minneapolis; 612-377-2224; www.guthrietheater.org

  • Misbehavin'

    It was a midmorning in August when the rooster went native in South Minneapolis. The city department of Animal Care and Control hastened an officer to the scene. The rooster, while inflicting no physical damage, had brazenly disregarded the matrix of propriety that binds people together and, more important, keeps them apart. An anonymous caller had described ruffled feathers and grave concerns: “Well, he has been eating at some of the neighborhood gardens,” she said. “But that is not really why I’m calling. I’m just concerned that he’ll get hit, or a dog will catch him.”
    By the time the animal control officer arrived at Clinton Avenue South, the rogue fowl had disappeared. I was tagging along, riding with Badge 236, a twenty-year veteran of the department. We circled the neighborhood, glaring from the windows of the imposing blue-and-white truck, in pursuit of the fugitive.

    As we rounded a corner, I spied something flashing in the middle of the road. The rooster stood defiant, his comb perfectly erect, his fantastic tail feathers fanning out in imitation of a bird of paradise. Even from the fifty-yard line, I could see that he was a magnificent bird.

    We stopped the truck and got out. Badge 236 grabbed a tea towel and ran toward the rooster. He stood his ground on Third Avenue like a general in his labyrinth, oozing confidence and a remarkable-for-a-chicken sense of entitlement. As we approached, his small eyes locked with ours. Then he bolted.

    Badge 236 launched into rapid pursuit up a small embankment, but the rooster, sensing its impending capture, trial, sentence, and possible stewing, made an Olympian leap over a chain-link fence, his clipped wings churning the air. Sheer force of will carried the beast to a second-floor windowsill, but gravity soon dragged him back to earth. In a final desperate move, the rooster dashed into a thick bush. Only his eyes belied his proud resignation as he cowered there; they glowed in yellow terror as Badge 236 make a quick grab and pulled him roughly into daylight.

    Suddenly, the neighborhood was alive. A Somali man and his child stood stony-faced along the sidewalk, having watched the drama unfold. An elderly woman peered from her window. Two women in flowing dresses stood on their porch beaming. Nobody came forward to claim the rooster. Nobody seemed all that surprised that it was there. As Badge 236 bore the bird back to the truck, one of the women called out.

    “Lemme see him,” she said.

    Badge 236 obliged, and I watched in amazement as this two-pound paragon of a masculine scoundrel brought out something akin to desire in the women.

    “He is a beautiful bird, ain’t he?”

    “Yeah, he’s got a voice on him, too. He’s a big boy.”

    One of them touched his comb. “Look at that comb, ain’t that something? So red.”

    “He’s a stud,” the other woman winked.

    “Any idea whose bird this might be?” Badge 236 asked.

    The ladies gazed at each other. “I don’t know for sure, but I’m gonna guess he’s from down the street, there, at the end,” one said.

    “You mean Lawrence?” asked the other, emphasizing the name in a way that suggested something sordid.

    “Oh, yeah. Don’t you think a bird like that’s gonna be with Lawrence?”

    The other woman laughed and turned her head, blushing.

    I wasn’t exactly sure what intriguing business the women were referring to. But as Badge 236 carried the bird to the truck, I lingered in the street, assessing the assembled spectators and wondering about Lawrence. I thought about that old cliché—that the behavior of pets reflects the desires, fears, and, sometimes, male brazenness of their owners.

    During the three days I rode with animal control, I witnessed an array of human dramas enacted by animal players. One woman called to say that her neighbor had been depositing dog feces in her garbage can, even though he knew perfectly well that she didn’t have a dog. Another filed a complaint about rogue cats soiling her meticulously tended garden. A man concerned about the decline of his neighborhood called in an injured rabbit, the victim of feral cats. “These new kids think it’s funny to feed the cats,” he noted with disgust. A harried man who had received a barking dog complaint asked if animal control would simply take his dog. “I have mental problems,” he said, “and I just can’t deal with it.”

    Various employees of Animal Care and Control related their own “greatest hits.” There was the senile woman who repeatedly called about a swearing bird stuck in her radiator as a pretext for conversation, and the one who, following a nasty breakup with a Northwest Airlines pilot, suffered a strange infestation of bats and became convinced they were symbolic, or even imagined. “I think they’re trying to tell me, ‘enough of this hairy rat flying around my head,’” she explained. No fewer than five bats had been removed from her house, and still she called in, brokenhearted, to report others.

    In fact, in the great diversity of stories told by street-weary and sometimes cynical animal control officers, there was only one constant: Urban animals may be unruly and screwed up, but humans are worse and often the cause of the trouble. As one driver put it, “The only animal that needs controlling is the human animal.”

    If the world is a battleground, then pets occupy a crucial and twisted role at its center. Caught up in systems they cannot understand, let alone control, urban animals have become subconscious weapons in humanity’s desperate struggle against the dirty entropy of nature. Indeed, the domesticated animal assumes the burdens of our damaged civilization as surely as any human. Hitting a tree on your bike and getting bitten by a wanton dog both result in pain and suffering, but, because we can extract a price from the dog, we do. Dogs who go unrescued are euthanized on a weekly basis, the same fate suffered by the bats in the ex-girlfriend’s home. Feral cats and unclaimed roosters and abandoned fish are regularly carried out of animal control in body bags, having paid the ultimate price.

    The animal control department’s new facility in north Minneapolis is an efficient processing center, with room for hundreds of animals. There are the familiar dog and cat rooms, open to the public six days a week, filled with heartbreaking little creatures begging for another shot at life. The death chamber waits just beyond. There is a room for pregnant and nursing cats, where the felines can’t see one another, lest the bloodlust of motherhood be piqued. There is the reptile and bird room, where turtles and iguanas wile away their final hours before being deported from Minneapolis (reptiles are illegal here). There is the fish room, whose empty tanks are mostly reserved for the pets of those who have been arrested, leaving their aquatic pets temporary wards of the state. There are quarantine areas for sick dogs and cats, and even a feral cat room, a terrifying place where animals utterly unlike the confident, affectionate creatures we know cower in dark corners, all woozy eyes and tattered fur and fleas. And then there is the bad dog room.

    Bad dogs are to the animal control empire what Sparta was to Greece. They are animals stripped of the veneer of civilization, reduced to their primal states, and made mythic. Bad dogs confirm our worst fears, that behind the kind eyes of man’s best friend, who acknowledges the superiority of our species, there lurks a snarling, unreasonable creature whom ten thousand years of domesticity has brought no closer to spiritual solvency.

    If the feral cat room is terrifying, the bad dog ward is a waking nightmare. As you walk the halls, dogs with clenched jaws cock their heads and stare out, their eyes filled with a mixture of fear, hate, and indifference. They react to us as befits the hopeless and doomed, with contempt and, perhaps rightly, blame.

    Dogs bite people, regardless of their class, race, or prejudices. And animal control responds democratically. Thus, in a single day, I was exposed to both ends of the socioeconomic spectrum; the incidents revealed problems with individuals, neighborhoods, and, yes, the entire human race.

    The first call came from the Jordan neighborhood in North Minneapolis. Badge 145 pulled the truck up in front of a stately house, coal-blue and graced by a massive porch filled with old bicycles, wooden swing sets, and assorted other remnants from several generations of extended family. The complainant was a robust woman of sixty-five; her grandson, who had been bitten by a dog, a heavy boy of eleven. She was concerned about rabies. The boy lifted his shirt to show two small holes above his chest. “I was just, uh, walking by the dog and he jump the fence and bit me,” he recounted, as Badge 145 took a digital photo of the wound. “I walk by that dog alla time, and he barkin’ and jumpin’ up, tryin’ to bite me.” Badge 145 asked the obvious: Why walk by a dog who wants to attack you? The grandmother concurred that the boy lacked judgment, and told Badge 145 that she had tried to talk to the dog’s owner, only to face a slammed door. The boy, meanwhile, confessed that he wished he had punched the dog in the nose.

    “You probably shouldn’t do that to an angry dog,” I advised.

    “If I’d had time to react, I’da tried to break his neck,” the boy said, adding with a pensive smile, “I’d like to wrestle with a baby bear.”

    We walked to the house fingered by the grandmother. It was silent—no dog in sight—with all the shades drawn. A helpful sign in the window read, “Beware of Dog.” We rounded the back of the house, where a large Rottweiller and a smaller mutt paced behind a low fence. Badge 145, catchpole in hand, called out for an owner. She was preparing to take the Rottweiller when a bare-chested, bald man approached.

    “Is this your dog?” she inquired.

    “What the hell do you want?” the man asked.

    “We have a report of a dog bite by this Rottweiller, and we need to make sure he is up to date on his vaccinations and take him in for observation.”

    The man stared, and his large eyes boiled.

    “My dog ain’t bit no one!” he yelled. The dogs barked in excitement. “Who the hell told you my dog bit him?”

    “We received a call, and I am just doing my job,” Badge 145 said calmly.

    Neighbors were rubbernecking from the end of the block, in accordance with the age-old tradition attendant to any regulatory incident. In an area of town all too used to human regulation, perhaps this incident offered a welcome change.

    “My goddamn dog didn’t do shit!” the man yelled.

    He turned to a young Asian man standing nearby. “Yo, some little asshole walkin’ around saying my dog bit someone. My dog didn’t do shit.”

    Meanwhile, the Rottweiller had settled down and was trying to lick my hand through the fence. Badge 145 attempted to determine whether the dog had been licensed and inoculated. The man continued to yell as she filled out a report on her clipboard.

    “My dog didn’t bite no one!”

    As Badge 145 handed over the clipboard for the man’s signature, the smaller mutt made a snarling leap for her hand.

    “That dog bites,” the man offered. “That dog’ll bitecha! But this dog, he don’t do shit.”

    Five minutes later, the passive Rottweiller was caged in the back of the blue-and-white, headed for an uncertain future, while the scary mutt roamed its yard. “We have to go with what the boy says,” Badge 145 said.

    Two hours later, we were called to the Tangletown neighborhood in South Minneapolis to investigate another bite. We pulled up in front of a large, impeccably maintained brick house with lots of flowers in the yard. A fleshy woman with limpid eyes waited at the door. She invited us into the living room, where still-life paintings of lilies and barns hung. In dramatic, hushed tones, she began her tale.

    “I don’t really know where to start,” she started. “My neighbor’s dog bit me. You can see the bite here.” The woman held out her arm, where she had outlined the swelling wound with a black Sharpie.

    “Has a doctor seen this?” Badge 145 asked.

    “My husband is a physician,” she said, not quite answering. “And I’m a pharmacist. Anyway, I have to say, this was a really very difficult call for me to make.” She stopped for effect, then looked to us. “The thing is, this dog belongs to my next-door neighbor, but she really shouldn’t have a dog.”

    She related an operatic tale involving the elderly neighbor, a neglected chow, a scared painter, and, at the center of it all, the woman’s own heroic self, just trying to help out and in the process getting bit by a dog.

    “Why does this fall to you to do?” asked Badge 145. “Doesn’t she have any family around?”

    “Well, she’s alienated most of them,” the victim said. “I really do hate to do this, you know. I mean, I may be the last friend she has.”

    Finally, some twenty minutes after our arrival, we rang the neighbor’s doorbell. A woman, perhaps in her eighties, answered. She wore thick glasses, and was dressed only in a long T-shirt that read, “Virginia Is for Lovers.” She stood behind the door screen, looking both confused and haughty. As Badge 145 explained the lengthy impounding procedure, she leered at the house next door and chewed the air restlessly. When she finally spoke, she was furious.

    “They don’t like my dog, you know,” she told me as Badge 145 went to get her catchpole. “She didn’t like my dog from the beginning. Because she’s a cat person, and cat people are a different breed of people entirely.”

    From the kitchen, an alarming bark sounded, followed by the strong voice of Badge 145 trying to soothe the dog. The barks became louder and soon turned to snarls. Badge 145’s calming words became interspersed with low-level curses and grunts. There was a scuffle, and presently the black chow was brought out the door. The old lady stared, mute and angry.

    “I hope they never set foot in my yard again, I’ll tell you that,” she said. I followed her line of vision to the neighbor’s windows, and glimpsed the pharmacist watching and then retreating into the murk.

    And the beat goes on, as dogs, cats, and assorted other servants of our civilization daily fall in their ranks, a living tax against the costs of maintaining human dignity in the face of natural order. My journey with Animal Care and Control came to a prescient end when we were called to investigate a barking dog at the northernmost border of the city. The neighborhood streets were supremely flat, lined with tiny postwar houses and adolescent trees, and thick with the impression of openness and goodness.

    A woman had claimed that a barking dog was driving her crazy. As per procedure, an animal control officer ventured out to make a ten-minute high-fidelity recording. We pulled into a tidy alley, stopped behind a shed, and killed the engine. Badge 246 pressed “record” on a taping device and motioned me to be silent as she placed it on the roof of the truck.

    For ten marvelous minutes, I basked in the joyful symphony of the city—the hum of crickets, the songs of birds, the croaking of frogs—that plays under the cacophony of mankind. It was a haunting aural picture, revealing our lives to be only a network of demands laid ungracefully over nature. Yet one sound was conspicuously absent: the barking of dogs. And in the end, that was the only hope.

  • Who Are the American Muslims?

    A Saturday night in late summer and downtown Rochester was completely dark except for an exceedingly lively block of First Avenue Northwest. At one end, a tall Somali man leaned into the window of a black Chevy Cavalier and spoke with a woman wearing a red silk hijab, or headscarf. Behind the Cavalier, three Somali teenagers, one in a UNC basketball jersey, clustered around a Jeep Cherokee, inadvertently blocking cars trying to emerge from a parking lot. Meanwhile, men in their twenties chattered loudly in the lot while older men conversed on the corner of Broadway.

    Around nine o’clock, the street-side conversations began moving toward the entrance of the Rochester Islamic Center, a nondescript former VFW hall distinguished now only by the sweep of Arabic across a sign over the door. In the tiled entryway, the thin face of a Somali woman in a purple hijab peeked down from over the rail on the second floor. Inside are cubbyholes filled with footwear, and then a long, open space defined by a large window, several support columns, and strips of red carpeting angled in the direction of Mecca.

    A Somali man sat up front, a copy of the Koran propped between two worn blue velvet cushions in front of him. A dozen other Somalis in various states of repose listened intently to his lecture. Other men arrived and arranged themselves in line with the carpet strips. Some stood and prayed, hands clasped over their stomachs; others sat silently or chatted. Shortly after 9:30, a young Somali in a Fubu basketball jersey stepped to a microphone at the front of the room and turned toward Mecca. “Allahu akbar,” he began, chanting the call to prayer.

    When the call was finished, Sheikh Elsayed Mahmoud, a thickly bearded, light-skinned thirty-six-year-old in an emerald green thobe (an ankle-length cotton garment), entered. He took a seat on a rolling office chair and looked out at the congregation. Three older Somali men approached him, and they chatted amiably. Around 9:50 they drifted away, and Mahmoud rose and turned toward Mecca.

    Approximately a hundred and fifty men rose with him, standing in straight lines along the carpet. Young boys stood next to their fathers; teenagers stood with their friends. At the front, older Somalis in skirts and turbans held dark wooden prayer beads, next to robed, stately Arab men whose faces were weathered in ways mostly unknown in Minnesota.

    Islam is America’s fastest growing religion, and it seems especially apparent in Rochester. In the early 1990s there were fewer than fifty observant Muslims living in the city, most of whom were South Asian; organized prayers were held only on Fridays, in makeshift accommodations. Today approximately five thousand Muslims live in the city, the vast majority of whom are Somali; they have the option of praying five times daily in a mosque owned by their community, presided over by an esteemed imam trained in Islam’s most distinguished university.

    Yet aside from the now-commonplace sight of Muslim women in hijabs and other coverings in Rochester’s public spaces, Islamic practice and tradition has largely been invisible to non-Muslims in Rochester, hidden behind converted spaces with distinctly American contexts such as the old VFW hall.

    That will soon change. Next year, the Rochester Islamic Center will be demolished to make way for a four-million-dollar mosque designed to hold eighteen hundred worshippers. Funded by a Saudi Arabian visitor to the Mayo Clinic and designed by a Syrian architect, the three-story building will be topped by a large dome and flanked by minarets that, at 180 feet tall, will rise prominently on Rochester’s skyline. Inside, ample and desperately needed classrooms, a library, and meeting areas are planned, along with a two-story prayer hall. When complete, it will be the first new mosque ever constructed in Minnesota.

    The Rochester Islamic Center is already unique due to the international community of Muslims who worship there. “Other Islamic communities will have national mosques,” explained Zaid Khalid, the president of the Rochester Islamic Center’s board. “In the Twin Cities, for example, there are Somali mosques.” That is largely a result of demographics: The Twin Cities are home to more than a hundred thousand Muslims. “But we only have enough Muslims for one mosque in Rochester,” said Khalid. An equally important factor is that the Somali population of Rochester fluctuates on the basis of job opportunities; as a result, educated professionals from South Asia and the Middle East, like the Pakistani-born Khalid, have largely assumed the leadership of the center. “But even with so many different cultures, we are quite unified,” Khalid concluded.

    Since 1994 the Rochester Islamic Center has been a religious institution concerned exclusively with spiritual matters. Though it has been asked, on occasion, to help assimilate immigrants, its leaders have neither the desire nor the means to do so. “That is something for the social services,” Khalid said. “And one-on-one contact.” Yet immigrant Muslims have quickly become an important and permanent part of Rochester’s cultural and civic life. And while many Americans question whether Muslims can ever truly assimilate, Rochester’s Muslims have spent the last ten years developing specifically Islamic approaches to being Americans.

    Thus, as the new Middle Eastern-style mosque rises over Rochester’s staid downtown, the city’s Muslims hope that the structure—like them—will not be viewed as something to be feared or avoided, but approached as a resource. “We hope that it will attract people to learn more about us,” said Shareef Alshinnawi, a spokesman for the Rochester Islamic Center. “We hope it means guests, speeches, classes, and understanding. We’re part of this community, and this new building in the middle of downtown will be one symbol of that fact.”

    Sheikh Elsayed Mahmoud swept into the library of the Rochester Islamic Center in his green thobe and handed me a Diet Pepsi. “Please,” he said, and gestured for me to sit. At first we spoke a bit of English, which he is studying, but while being interviewed he preferred his native Arabic, and a translator soon arrived. “From the beginning, there is one thing that I would like to explain a little deeper,” he said. “The word ‘imam’ can fit anybody who memorizes the Koran and can lead the prayers. But that person doesn’t need to understand the Koran.” As Mahmoud explained it, an imam differs from a scholar. “The scholar is the person to be asked if you have something to know about Islam, its texts and laws.” He paused and chuckled, his dark eyes offset by a high brow and a wry, cocked smile. “Actually, the first time that I was called an imam was in America.”

    Mahmoud was born in Cairo, the oldest of six children, and grew up in a religiously observant family. “It was one of my father’s wishes that I become a scholar,” he recalled. “He used to invite scholars to the house, befriend my teachers, buy books for me. But in the end it was God’s will.” Mahmoud received an intensive religious education, in addition to a secular one, before entering Al-Azhar, the world’s oldest university and still the most distinguished source of scholarship in Islam. There he excelled in studying fiqh, or Islamic law. He graduated with a degree in High Islamic Studies and began serving at a Cairo mosque. “I wanted to continue with my studies at some point,” he recalled. “But circumstances prevented it.”

    Soon after, Mahmoud met an Egyptian physician who was then in the midst of a Mayo Clinic fellowship. At the time, the Rochester Islamic Center was looking for an imam to lead its prayers and serve as a scholar to guide the mostly Somali congregation. And so, upon returning to Rochester, the physician apprised the board of the young scholar’s qualifications. An invitation was soon extended. “At first, I decided not to come,” Mahmoud admitted. But then he was praying with one of his teachers and mentioned it. “Do you think that they can profit from me? That I can give them something?” His teacher, a renowned scholar, answered: “Definitely, with all assurance.” Mahmoud smiled bashfully as he recounted this. “So that made the decision.” He arrived in Rochester in January 2001.

    Fortuitously for his followers in Rochester, one of Mahmoud’s scholarly interests is a branch of fiqh concerned with applying Islam to the particular place and circumstances in which a Muslim lives. “The main point is not to have rigidity in religion, to remain flexible enough to be practical for everyone,” he explained. “So long as it doesn’t distort or alter or suggest improper interpretations of the Arabic text.” The caveat is a sensitive one, particularly in light of the extreme political interpretations to which Koranic verses have been subjected in recent years. But Mahmoud, as a graduate of Islam’s greatest university, has the standing and credential to make those judgments. In his modesty, Mahmoud waves off the suggestion that he has achieved the status of scholar, but the reality is that his congregants in Rochester treat him as one, bringing him questions of religious importance. “To an extent, I also serve as what would be called an Islamic judge back home,” he explained. “Performing marriages and also resolving conflicts and disputes.”

    Unlike an Islamic leader in the Middle East, Mahmoud has the added responsibility of teaching his followers how to reconcile their religion with aspects of American culture with which it is incompatible. In general, Mahmoud tends to discuss assimilation more in terms of cultural assimilation—for example, the incompatibility of certain Somali social mores with American ones. And on the particulars of how American culture interacts with Islam, he tends to emphasize the commonalities: “If something is prohibited in Christianity, then it is prohibited in Islam, too, with only a few exceptions of law.” Mahmoud’s ecumenicism has its limits, though, particularly when Islam disagrees with what is allowed in Christianity, or in American culture. “For example, yesterday an Egyptian asked to me to authenticate his wedding to an American woman,” Mahmoud recalled. “It was a new situation for me, because most of the marriages that occur in the mosque are Somali.” He attended the wedding, “but the moment I saw the champagne bottle, I immediately said, ‘Thank you’ and left.” He sighed with exasperation at the overt transgression of Islam’s prohibition of alcohol. “It is their tradition, it is a free society, and it is up to them. But by Islamic law I had to leave the moment I saw the champagne.”

    Twice a week, Mahmoud is tutored in English by an elderly Franciscan nun at the Assisi Heights convent. “We don’t speak much about religion,” he said. “Mostly we study English.” His four-year-old son, meanwhile, has entered Rochester’s public schools “so that he can learn English better and become assimilated.” Mahmoud has reservations about the American public school system—“there is no religious teaching, and a lot of times there is no moral or even ethical teaching”—but he is adamant that the best way to teach Islam to his children is by example. “If you tell them to do things, maybe they’ll do it,” he says with a father’s knowing smile. “But if they see you doing it, they’ll follow your example.”

    The call to prayer was suddenly audible through the wall that separates the library from the prayer hall. “Of course, we cannot really live Islam completely or to the fullest except in a Muslim society. And we will never be able to fully enjoy the mercy and the fruits of Islam except in a Muslim society.” There is a long pause and he smiles broadly before continuing. “Although that’s the case, we can also live in a non-Muslim society and by the will and grace of God still remain on the straight path and practice our religion to the fullest extent possible.” He paused to check his watch. “I do not believe that there is a perfect society in this world,” he concluded. “You always have good and bad people in every society. And you must always try to get the good part.”

    Rana Mikati answered the door of her split-level home on the north side of Rochester in a flowing black abaya. Her eyes were nearly as dark as its silk, contrasting with her red lipstick. She is forty-one years old, the mother of three children, but her fine skin and charm suggested a much younger woman. “Come in, come in,” she said, gesturing into her living room.

    Mikati served Turkish coffee spiked with cardamom. “I was born in Tripoli to an Islamic family,” she recounted in lightly accented English. “We were conservative, but not fanatic. We respected the rules of the religion.” They were also distinctly modern. Like other women in her family, Mikati wore the hijab primarily when she entered the mosque.

    Yet today, in America, Mikati welcomes strangers to her home wearing a garment that covers everything but her face, hands, and the exquisite jewelry on her wrists and fingers. “It is true,” she said with a nod. “I came to America and became more Islamic. It is how I remained connected to my culture.” Then a young girl strode into the family room in her pajamas. She glanced at her mother, yawned, and left. Mikati laughed, shook her head, and continued. “When I took the oath of citizenship the judge told me, and everyone at the ceremony, something very important,” she recalled. “He said, ‘Assimilate, but never forget your heritage. Because that is what makes this country rich.’ ” She sipped her coffee. “This is what we call jihad,” she said, her accent softly melodic as it glided over the Arabic word. “The real jihad. To find your identity. And to fight for that identity.”

    Mikati’s experience as an American and a Muslim is not uncommon. In many ways, in fact, it is distinctly American: Generations of immigrants to America have strengthened their faith as a means of maintaining a connection with their native culture. “When people ask me how I accommodate my life to America …” Mikati shrugged with a bewildered smile. “I don’t know how to answer. Islam is just a way of life. And I don’t see it as incompatible.”

    Mikati left Lebanon in 1993 when her husband, Amer, a pharmacist educated in the United States, was offered a job in Ohio. Like others before them, the Mikatis formed some of their first social bonds around an immigrant religious community. “We attended a mosque that had a very international following,” Mikati recalled. “And that was interesting because I always thought of Islam as being Middle Eastern.” The mosque was not just faith, but also social connections and, for Mikati, a place to maintain her “native Arabic tongue.” It was a catalyst for her evolving sense of her ethnic and religious identity, and she began to consider wearing the hijab. “The most important thing is to have the courage,” she explained. “Especially in a culture where it is not common.” Her husband encouraged her, but with two caveats: “He said, ‘Don’t change the way we live, and don’t cocoon yourself.’ ”

    On the first day of Ramadan in 1998, Mikati dressed in an abaya and went to the mall. “I felt more exposed than if I was naked,” she said. But whatever defensiveness she felt soon gave way to a distinctly Islamic female identity. “I avoid fashion entirely—how much more liberated and feminist can I be?” Indeed, for Mikati, the hijab is hardly a symbol of separateness or isolation. “Look, there is much more to being American than wearing cowboy boots,” she said archly. “And Hawaiian shirts.” She retrieved an issue of Rochester Women magazine that featured her on the cover in a black abaya, and Arij, her sixteen-year-old daughter, dressed as an American teenager. “When I was sixteen, I was not covered, so the choice is hers,” Mikati said. “And I pray for her.”

    When Arij Mikati enters a room she walks with a smooth confidence, even if she is stepping on the cuffs of her extra-long jeans. Her hennaed hair falls to her shoulders; in bearing and features, she is her mother’s twin. For her, the decision to cover herself is a matter of timing and courage. “You know, there’s already so much drama in high school,” she said, rolling her eyes. “And I don’t know that I’m really ready to add this drama, too.” Yet Arij hopes to cover herself before she begins college. She will do so mainly because it is a requirement of her religion; yet, in a uniquely American way, Arij also says that it is partly a matter of principle. “I really like being respected for who I am, not for how I look,” she said, sounding like any other irritated, individualistic American teenager. “So if I’m covered I know people will judge me for who I am.” Nonetheless, Arij is keenly aware that the hijab alters how a Muslim woman is perceived in her adopted culture. “It won’t make a difference for the people who knew me before,” she said. “But others are probably different.”

    The Mikatis moved to Rochester in 1998, when Amer accepted a job at the Mayo Clinic. Rana soon took a part-time job as a translator at the clinic and also became deeply involved in Rochester’s public schools. “Muslims in Rochester will tell you that raising their children in the way that they want is their number one concern,” she explained. “It is a constant challenge.” In meeting that challenge, she has what she calls “my red lines”—rules restricting her daughters’ participation in certain rites of American adolescence. Though Arij’s friendships with both females and males are not restricted, the teenager is prohibited from having a boyfriend or dating. “It is not our way,” Rana Mikati said. “And it must be very hard upon her.” The conflicts between her daughter’s faith and events like prom can be especially trying. “This year she was invited by three different boys,” Mikati said with just a trace of pride. “But she was not allowed to go.” She took a deep breath. “And it was just heartbreaking.”

    There are approximately a thousand Muslim children in Rochester, and by force of their numbers they have transformed aspects of the city’s public school system. According to Mikati, most of teachers are at least aware of the cultural needs associated with Muslim students, including dietary restrictions, space and time for prayer, and staying home on Muslim holidays. In those instances where understanding does not exist, Mikati has become adept at finding solutions. “There are Muslim families who don’t want anything to do with America because they think the American kids are ‘too loose,’ ” she explained. “But if you think that they are too loose, I say, ‘Don’t isolate yourself. Go to the school board.’ ”

    At six o’clock on a weekday evening, the second floor of the Rochester Islamic Center rang with the voices of fifty Somali children dashing around the room. Boys occupied the far end, clustered in small, loud groups mostly unconcerned with study; at the opposite end, girls dressed in a rich palette of abayas sat in study circles with a few older, willowy Somali women.

    Siyad Lohos sat in his beige thobe at an old card table in the middle of the room, where the students formed two lines—one for boys, one for girls. As they waited, some chatted and played, while others practiced reciting whatever they were asked to memorize for the day. When they reached Lohos, they handed over their notebooks and recited for him, often two at a time. Even though Lohos seemed focused on a group of roughhousing boys, he corrected the errors of the students as they recited, almost automatically.

    “I had memorized the Koran by the time I was fourteen or fifteen,” he recalled as he reclined on the floor after class. “I started when I was six.” A native of Somalia, the wiry twenty-nine-year-old received his high school education and two years of college in Egypt and then joined his family in Rochester in 2000. Since then, Lohos has taught Koran to the children of Rochester’s Somali immigrants. When I asked him the difference between teaching in Somalia and Rochester, he shrugged and looked around the room. “They are different.” When pressed him, he smiled broadly, stretching the goatee on his chin. “Look, in Somalia they are more serious because there are not so many distractions. They will learn Koran nearly full-time.” In Rochester, however, Lohos might see the students twice per week for a couple of hours during the school year. He is well aware that their public school education is a priority. “In Somalia, they might memorize a page per day,” he explained. “But here, if I teach them one aya [verse] today, they’ll maybe forget it tomorrow.” He shrugged. “When they grow up, maybe they will lose the Koran.”

    Across the street in a Somali cafe, Mahmoud Hamud, a board member of the Islamic Center, nodded when I mentioned the less intensive Islamic educations received in Rochester. “Back home, kindergarten was Koranic,” he acknowledged with crossed arms. “But here you want the kids to be ready for school because this is where they will live.” According to Hamud, it’s necessary to find a balance. “If your kid becomes too American, you might say, ‘What happens to me when I’m old?’ ” His eyes widened and the fifty-one-year-old shook a finger at me. “In Somalia we don’t put people in nursing homes. So the older people worry what will happen to them if the kids walk away from their culture.” From Hamud’s perspective, this is not necessarily an issue of religion so much as culture. He acknowledges that many Somali Muslims feel uncomfortable with aspects of American culture that they perceive as incompatible with Islam and Somali standards of social modesty—but then again, according to Hamud, they also keep in mind who provided them with refuge during and after their Civil War. “What is closer to Somalia: America or the Middle East?” he asked rhetorically. “Well, the Somalis remember that it was the United States who helped them, and not the Middle East.”

    Hamud’s story is not that of a typical Somali immigrant. After moving to the United States in 1974 to attend Cornell University, he spent most of his early career running relief and development operations in Somalia. In the early 1990s, however, the civil war that drove refugees to the United States resulted in Hamud suspending his work in Africa and focusing his efforts on social services in Rochester. In that capacity, he was deeply involved in nearly every aspect of assimilating Somalis, including efforts to find them homes and jobs and reduce tensions in the public schools. “Things are much better than they used to be,” he said. “But still there are language issues and cultural issues, and the school district isn’t addressing them.” In September, 120 Somali youths in Rochester began to attend a Somali charter school. “Isolation is a concern,” he acknowledged. “But the alternative is worse. The reason these families moved to the United States is for a better life, and if the children are dropouts they won’t get a chance for that better life.”

    Significantly, Hamud and other Somali leaders in Rochester do not view religion as a serious impediment to assimilation. “Islam covers a lot of cultures,” Hamud explained. “Each has its own baggage, and often the baggage is the issue.” He stares across the room at a dozen mostly elderly men drinking tea and having animated conversations in Somali. “It’s really no different than if they were sitting in Mogadishu. Nine guys, and only one, the one who works for the clinic, knows English.” In a corner, a pretty Sudanese teenager with a bright red kerchief around her head rose from a prayer mat. Hamud turned and spoke to her in Somali. “I don’t speak Somali,” she answered in perfect English spoken with long, Minnesotan vowels.

    For Sheikh Elsayed Mahmoud, the new mosque is not a momentous religious event. “From a spiritual point of view it has no significance,” he said, smiling, seated in the Rochester Islamic Center’s library. “The importance is that it will last longer than the current building.” He laughed loudly and glanced around the cramped library before continuing in a more serious mode. “The new building will draw more attention to the Muslims than it will to the structure itself,” he added. “So it will be more important to exemplify the proper teachings for our children, and to exhibit the correct attitudes to other people.” As the spiritual leader of the mosque, Mahmoud appeared perfectly comfortable with his role in shaping that more public face of Islam in Rochester.

    “Whether we like it or not, accept it or not, we are a part of American society,” said Mahmoud. “We work in American society. We pay taxes in American society. All of the American laws apply to us.” A Somali man walked in unannounced, but when he saw the sheikh was engaged, he quickly backed out. “But the Somalis—and all of the Muslims—they are trying to keep the cultural background that they came with.” He became animated. “So they have these groups of Somalis, or Southeast Asians, just as you—if you are a fourth- or fifth-generation Minnesotans—might have a German or Scandinavian group.” He raised his brow. “The difference is that a Scandinavian does not have all the restrictions that a Muslim has in the way that we get to know, and get close to, people.”

    Mahmoud is explicit that those restrictions are primarily related to interpersonal contact, and do not extend to civic engagement. When asked whether he believes that members of his community should be active in Rochester’s civic life, including serving as elected officials, he answers immediately: “We live here, so we should be involved and integrated,” he said. “It is important for us.”

    In January, Rochester Mayor Ardell Brede asked the City Council to consider beginning its sessions with a prayer offered by rotating members of Rochester area religious communities. The proposal was not adopted, but Brede plans to introduce it again, and if and when it is adopted, he intends to invite Sheikh Elsayed Mahmoud.

    When asked whether he would accept, Mahmoud tilted his head skeptically: “There is a big cultural and religious difference in what we consider to be prayer,” he explained. “In general, we Muslims we start our prayers with ‘Bismillaahir Rahmaanir Raheem’ [“in the name of Allah the most merciful, the most gracious”]. That is how we are ordered to commence everything, every event. What we do is formal, and a heavily religious prayer.” There is a long pause and then he continues with renewed enthusiasm: “I’m ready to make any prayer that would be of benefit to Muslims, Christians, whoever! Humanity in general!” He opened his hands wide and smiled. “We are members of this community.”

  • All the Pretty Houses

    Back in the 1920s, William T. Middlebrook, then a vice president at the University of Minnesota, had a bright idea. In order to attract and retain the most talented professors, the U would build them a truly unique neighborhood. Thus was born University Grove: eight blocks on which more than one hundred homes, each custom built, represent a half-century’s worth of architectural history.

    The streets of the Grove are a living study in strict adherence to various schools of design—Colonial, French Provincial, English Tudor, Prairie, and various strains of Modern—as well as experimentation with those styles. The original concept dictated that professors hire architects to design their homes on university-owned land, with university-subsidized mortgages. (The spending cap rose from ten thousand dollars in 1929, when the first house was built, to almost fifty thousand dollars in the seventies, when construction tapered off.) Middlebrook himself commissioned a Tudor that looks pretty much as it did in the beginning, stately and old-fashioned. In fact, Grove residents act as de facto preservationists. They must consult an architect if they wish to undertake major changes.

    Most visitors will be drawn to the quirky Modern-style houses of the forties, fifties, and sixties. For instance, those who know only Ralph Rapson’s prominent public buildings, such as Riverside Plaza and the soon-to-be-demolished Guthrie Theater, can get an excellent view of the noted Modernist’s residential work at the Grove—he designed eight homes here during the fifties and sixties. Most of them follow the boxy white dictates of “high” Modernism, but they also have playful yet studied flourishes: a giant yellow dot on a garage door, various colored panels, and fences like billboards, placed to create particular visual effects rather than to keep anything in or out.

    Architects Winston and Elizabeth Close left their stamp on the neighborhood as well. The celebrated couple built fourteen houses here, the first in 1939. Most feature natural elements, like cedar or redwood siding, and enormous windows that take advantage of the backdrop of the neighborhood, which stands lush and alive with greenery.

    In the Grove, nature is nearly as important as artful design. As per Middlebrook’s vision, common areas full of large trees and gardens connect the backyards of most homes. Because the neighborhood was once an oak savanna, architectural looky-loos and dog-walkers alike crunch acorns underfoot in the fall. Folwell Avenue abuts a former trolley line that has been transformed into a rustic walking path leading to the U’s St. Paul campus. About a year ago, there was a move to update and widen the path, but it was voted down by residents. A reluctance to change is part of the charm of University Grove. It remains a time capsule, a place where modern conveniences such as vinyl siding are out of the question. Thank goodness for the quixotic notions of eggheaded professors.

    —Jennifer Vogel

  • Paris Turf

    When it began to rain and the wind scattered the leaves from the two little trees out front, the solitary customer in the bar drained his beer and said, “It’s getting colder and colder every day now. Perhaps this year there will be a bit of snow to cover up the dog shit.”

    The bartender laughed and shrugged, and the last customer settled his tab, said goodbye, and went out into the rain clutching his bag of groceries under his jacket. He was a cheerful, decent man who lived somewhere in the neighborhood with a sick wife. Each afternoon he stopped in at the bar for two beers before going home to his wife. They lived in a little house that was time and again being spray-painted upon by teenagers.

    There was apparently nothing that could be done about it; he had just been discussing it with the bartender. The graffiti was now everywhere in the city, even in the cemeteries and on the oldest monuments and buildings. People, the man had said with a resigned shake of his head, were getting worse all the time. There was no getting around it.

    The bartender watched the man lean into the cold rain and disappear down the block. He lit a cigarette and sat down for a moment on a chair near the door. The punks hadn’t yet spray-painted on his bar, but he’d love to catch some of them in the act. The little bastards were making the once quiet neighborhood a noisier and noisier place. When they were older they would have no use for a quiet little bar; they wouldn’t be able to sit still, and wouldn’t set foot in a place that didn’t have loud music and bright lights and dancing.

    Another customer eventually came scuttling in out of the rain. He had a small dog on a leash, and proceeded to order a glass of wine, which he paid for with small change. The bartender didn’t like it when customers brought the small dogs into the bar. Big dogs he didn’t mind so much, but the little dogs were so often spoiled and ill-behaved. Nonetheless, he couldn’t forbid his customers from bringing their dogs into the bar; so many of them went everywhere with their animals, and the practice was accepted everywhere.

    The bartender didn’t like this particular customer, either. He was a stooped little man with one crooked eye and very bad teeth. When he spoke he cocked his head back against one shoulder and pulled his top lip up away from his teeth. He was very small. In order for him to make eye contact with the bartender it was necessary for him to jerk his head straight back between his shoulders at an extreme angle, so that it looked almost as if he were watching an aero show or following the ascent of a carnival ride. The extraordinary effort this required caused his eyes to bug out of his head. When he tried to prop himself on the bar he had to raise his elbows almost up around his ears.

    This man did not come into the bar often, but he lived in the neighborhood and would pass by daily on his walks with his dog. Each time, it seemed, he would be grinning hideously beneath a ragged cap and would wave to the bartender with a rolled-up copy of Paris Turf.

    “This rain will likely cost me some money today,” the man said.

    The bartender had moved behind the bar and was making a show of cleaning up. He shrugged at the man’s comment. “Soon enough you will not be losing any money for a few months,” he said.

    The little man chuckled and grinned. “Oh, no,” he said, “I do not make a habit of losing money, I can assure you of that.”

    The bartender rolled his eyes. He knew that the man was poor and did not play the horses. It was well known in the neighborhood that this fellow would go to a nearby café and swipe a copy of the day’s Paris Turf from a table out front. Many of the bartender’s regular customers liked to frequent the horse track, and they would tease the little man, calling out to him each afternoon as he passed the bar, “You there! Who do you like in the third race at Longchamp today?” The man would pause in the doorway, wave his finger, and trill, “Oh, no, pas moi! I’ll not make you such easy money!” And then he would smile knowingly and go on his way.

    For a few moments nothing in the way of conversation passed between the bartender and his bothersome customer. The man made a distracting production of drinking his glass of wine. He would throw his head back from his shoulders with a jerk, take a noisy slurp of wine, smack his lips, sigh, and mutter loudly, “C’est bon! Ca me fait du bien!”

    The bartender tried to ignore the man. Ordinarily at this time of the day he would have an opportunity to lock up the bar for a short period and go upstairs to his kitchen for something to eat.

    When the man had finished his wine he leaned back on his stool and addressed the bartender.

    “My friend,” he said, “how would you like to come by a nice sum of money?”

    The bartender looked up from what he was doing. “I’m quite comfortable, thank you,” he said.

    The man leaned back and squinted up at the bartender. “For a small sum I could give you a quite handsome return,” he said. “And only because you have been so kind to me on such a rainy day.”

    The bartender said, “What do you have up your sleeve?”

    The little man stroked his chin and swiveled his head back and forth between his hunched shoulders, his eyes darting wildly in different directions and his tongue making an odd clicking sound in his mouth. He leered at the bartender and put a stubby finger to his lips. “A secret,” he said in a mock whisper. “Between you and me. Only because you have been for so long such a good friend.”

    The bartender leaned against the bar and stared across at the little customer struggling to keep his head afloat above the bar. Had just the one glass of wine gone to the fellow’s head, or had he been sitting home with the bottle all afternoon?

    “Let’s hear what you have in mind,” he said.

    “Tomorrow, as you may know, is the last day for the horses at Longchamp,” the man said. “I know of a horse that is sure to deliver at a very nice price, a most excellent price.” He cackled and in quick succession rapped his knuckles on the bar and then clapped his hands together excitedly. “Very much a sure thing,” he said, “and a devilish nice payoff for the man who puts his trust in me.”

    “And how am I to know that I can trust you?” the bartender asked.

    The man cackled again and rapped his knuckles wildly on the bar. “Oh, but you don’t!” he said. “That’s just the thing, you don’t!” He turned his palms upward and leaned away from the bar. “I am your friend,” he said. “I cannot hide from you. I live right here, just around the corner. You give me one hundred francs tonight, and tomorrow evening at this time I will have for you two thousand francs or I am not your old friend.”

    The man chuckled and fetched his squirming little dog from the floor. “Here,” he said. “If my word is no good, you can have my dog, my little life.”

    The bartender eyed the man. What a queer fellow he was. This, he thought, would be a ripping good story for the regular gang of customers tomorrow. The little man was staring at him and teetering excitedly at the edge of the bar, his dog paddling wildly in his arms. The bartender reached into the till and removed a note.

    “Okay,” he said. “Here is my one hundred francs, and now you must leave so that I can go have my dinner. I expect to see you tomorrow or I will send someone for the dog.”

    “Oh, you will,” the man said. “You shall see me tomorrow evening, on my word, and you may expect a nice surprise.” He pocketed the franc note, rapped his knuckles on the bar one final time, tossed his dog to the floor, and hurried, talking happily to himself, from the bar.

    The bartender watched him hurry away into the rain and chuckled to himself. “I am a fool,” he said to the empty bar. He only hoped the ridiculous little fellow would not spend the money on the dog.

    “So you let that crazy little bastard just walk out of here with your hundred francs?” the stonemason asked the bartender early the next evening. “I’ll have to remember you the next time I’m pinched for cash.” The others at the bar laughed and the bartender smiled and said, “He’s an odd character, there’s no doubt about that. I guess we’ll see how he’ll try to wiggle his way out of this jam.”

    “That alone should be worth your hundred francs,” someone else said. “I only hope he comes along soon so I can be a witness.”

    “And what will you do with the dog?” asked the man with the sick wife. “One hundred francs is not a bad price for a dog, provided it is not too old.”

    “It is a little dog,” the bartender said, “and all the man has to his name. I don’t want to make any more jokes about the poor fellow. He considers me his friend.”

    The stonemason snorted. “I’ll consider you my friend for considerably less than one hundred francs,” he said.

    “I’ll consider you my friend for little more than a pack of cigarettes and a glass of wine,” the butcher said. Everyone laughed, and at that moment the bartender saw the little man and his dog hurry past on the opposite side of the street.

    “Well,” the bartender said. “He has just gone past, just this moment, without stopping in, so I suppose that is the end of that nonsense.”

    “Do you want me to go after him?” the stonemason asked. “I’ll get an explanation out of the sneaky little devil.”

    “No, no,” said the bartender, and waved his hand in the direction of the open door. “Let the poor man go. I am done with it.”

    “I wouldn’t let that thief get off so easily,” the butcher said. “Are you really going to allow him to take you for a fool?”

    Just then the man reappeared, popping his head around the corner of the entryway and cackling with glee.

    “You saw me!” he shouted as he burst into the bar. “I saw you spy me there across the street, and you thought to yourself, ‘Why, that hanged little dodger has thrown away my money on a nag!’ Oh, that was good! Sure enough, I had you there, did I not?” He pushed his way through the group of men and, whistling through his teeth, rapped on the bar and rubbed his chapped little hands together furiously. As the others looked on with disbelief, the man’s face took on a pinched, almost frightening expression.

    After a moment the man composed himself sufficiently to address the bartender again. “First things first,” he said. “I should like a glass of that excellent wine.” He then removed from inside his enormous overcoat a rolled-up copy of Paris Turf, unfolded it to reveal a large quantity of notes, and proceeded to count out two thousand francs. With an exaggerated flourish he arranged the bills on the bar like a poker hand.

    “There you have it, my friend,” he said. “There you have it! I told you it was a devilish good horse!” With a look of supreme satisfaction on his face the man crawled with considerable effort to the top of a bar stool and settled back to noisily drink his glass of wine.

    The bartender, speechless, looked from the man to the two thousand francs on the bar. He looked across the bar to where the other customers were standing at some remove from the little fellow on his bar stool. The lot of them was staring, silent and wide-eyed, or scowling with disbelief at this unwelcome redemption.

    The stonemason shook his head and muttered something under his breath. He then slapped some coins on the bar, and hurried out the door and into the night.

  • Getting Collared

    Whether your preference is for scoop-, turtle-, or V-necks, brace yourself for challenges to traditions. We’ve been seeing lots of exaggerated and sculpted forms swaddling the neckline—flirtatious cowls, modern takes on the halter, décolletage-framing fichus—which are often possible thanks to soft, pliable fabrics. For gentlemen, sadly, the look is more subdued, but tastemakers can always spruce things up by mixing patterns—or by leaving their shirts open a little to give the rest of us a peek.