Month: October 2006

  • Road trip munchies

    Owing to the tremendous response I received to my previous post “Granola,” it seems a further disucssion of mobile foodstuffs is merited.

    In my previous post, I decried the propensity of talk radio hosts to demean various foodstuffs and I signled out granola.

    I must admit that in the intervening years between colllege and the present my mobile diet has changed for the better. I believe my pallete two years ago (I am fudging the numbers here, must mean I am getting old) was less discerning than it is today. On the other hand, this could have something to do with the explosion of upscale Whole Foods-type supermarkets in the areas that I do most of my driving. I always hoped there would come a day when I’d say bye-bye to Little Debbies, but I had no idea it would happen so soon.

    Today, I am proud to admit that on my drives between Denver and Minneapolis (about fourteen hours) my car is stocked with Granola bars and Smart Waters which I consume at an alarming pace. So alarming, in fact, that no advantage has so far accrued to my expanding waistline. If anything I have put on more weight. I tell myself that its complex carbs that will eventually be turned into muscle but I wonder.

    Maybe the talk show hosts are on to something.

  • A Taste of the Real Skid Row

    For those of you disappointed with Factotum and who seek to enjoy the real taste of cheap hooch and hard times (not to mention great beer with a movie), you need to check out the Phil Harder’s collection of vintage film footage of 1950s Minneapolis, its derelict set, and their haunts. A Night of Film (which includes a featurette called Skid Row), is playing tonight at The Bryant Lake Bowl, startinig at 10:00 pm… a great time to be sitting in a darkened theater and staring at the city’s even darker past, if you ask me.

  • Reading Aloud

    It’s going to be a good day if you’re wanting to hear writers read from or talk about their works. Robert Bly’s at the University of Minnesota’s Wiley Hall to read some of his poems. Katherine Lanpher’s at the Fitzgerald to plug her new book. But my sincerest recommendation goes to a thrid event: Iranian cartoonist Marjane Satrapi is appearing at Lyndale Congressional Church to speak about her graphic memoir, Chicken With Plums. Of the three, this is sure to be the most intimate affair. It’s certainly less likely to be repeated anytime soon, in any case. Check the Rain Taxi site for Satrapi’s quick bio and more information about the event.

  • Local Chew

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    just a few bites of info…

    Did you see our local pals from the Oceanaire Seafood Room mentioned in the New York Times article about the sudden proliferation of $40 entrees? The star of the article is a 1 3/4 ounce lobster dish from The Modern in NYC. It is priced at $42. When you compare the high-lighted Oceanaire dish (the Arctic Char, a whole fish for $38.50) it hardly seems comparable. My favorite quote from the piece … “Forty is the new 30”.

    On a completely different bend, the Minnesota Department of Agriculture has created a new directory of organic farms. The list provides information on 208 of the state’s certified organic farms. It was created mainly for food professionals and chefs, but that doesn’t mean that we all shouldn’t get to know the names and products of our organic friends.

  • Something like exciting

    Just two things and I’ll leave it at that. If you didn’t see the Textile Center‘s Artwear In Motion runway show this past weekend, you can still check out the clothes at the center’s gallery (through Saturday). And the Jackson’s Juke Joint series lives on and on and on past the Viking Bar… it’s tonight at the 331 Liquor Bar when Randy Weeks takes to that tiny, lil’ stage.

  • The princess who finally gets the pony…

    I’m gonna have to throw props to the Hold Steady ‘n Sean Na Na concert at First Ave tonight. Much as I like the guys, I can’t help but note that we’ve seen plenty o’ Hold Steady in the news lately, right? But what we haven’t seen a lot of–at least not in a while–is Sean Na Na. And my memories of his late 90s hit “Princess and the Pony” are so fond; at the time, I even spread word to my friends and family that I’d like that ditty to be played at my funeral. I never was as much into Har Mar Superstar.

  • What Does the Girl Want?

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    Marie Antoinette, 2006. Written and directed by Sofia Coppola. Starring Kirsten Dunst, Jason Schwartzman, Judy Davis, Rip Torn, Shirley Henderson, Molly Shannon, Steve Coogan, Marianne Faithfull, Asia Argento, Jamie Dornan, and Danny Huston.

    Now showing at theaters around town.

    Sofia Coppola adores couches. Couches and beds. Also, she seems to enjoy the alluring look of young women draped on the same. Coppola likes shoes and cakes and champagne, pugs and pillows and handsome young men, too. Raised in considerable splendor, by a filmmaker father who turned much of his success into a duchy of fine wines and classic cars, Coppola is about as close to royalty as you’ll find in this country (and not be associated with grim politics). And yet, the girl feels trapped. Like Marie Antoinette, perhaps Coppola senses that she’s a young woman caught in the amber of wealth, waiting for history–or the fickle tastes of Hollywood–to slice her head clean off.

    There can be no doubt that Marie Antoinette continues the lonely saga of Sofia Coppola, who is gunning to become perhaps the most autobiographical filmmaker since Orson Welles ended his forty-year examination of his own destructive appetites with his death in the mid-80s. Knowing little about the real Marie Antoinette, I cannot speak to the historical accuracy of this film, except to say that I doubt there’s much interest, either by Coppola or her audience, in replicating Versailles in its exactitude. History, after all, can be a drag.

    Marie Antoinette is about Sofia Coppola and young women like her (which is to say, hardly anyone in a literal sense). It is a beautiful film, well acted by some of its principals, horribly by others. Antoinette is a film that is at turns funny and insightful and shallow and tedious. Like a dessert buffet, it manages to please the eye and the palate until the garish colors and the thick frostings begin to wear on the soul, and the body craves water and bread. In the end, it left me feeling odd, confused, with a bit of a headache, and still trying to grasp its deeper meaning… if there is a deeper meaning.

    Marie Antoinette is virtually without tension. In an attempt to forge an alliance betwixt Austria and France, Maria Teresa (Marianne Faithfull, doing her best Judi Dench impression), the ruling Empress of the former, weds her youngest daughter, Antonia (later to be dubbed Antoinette by the Frogs) to young Louis (Jason Schwartzmann), who would go on to become Louis XVI. In Austria, young Antoinette lives the life of simple royalty, in dark rooms with happy pugs and good friends to while away the hours. She is all of fourteen years old, and France is going to change her, big-time.

    At the border between the two countries, Antoinette is met by the Comtesse de Noailles who will instruct the young girl on etiquette and all things royal (in France). She is portrayed by Judy Davis, who at one time was one of the greatest actresses, a woman of startling range who could be terrifying, hilarious, and melancholy in a few breaths. Here she is an anal-retentive bitch, and the first sign of Coppola’s inability to rein in her actors, or to direct them in any way. The Comtesse is all pinched lips and irritated snuffs blasted through flared nostrils. Soon, Antoinette will be plunged headfirst into the court at Versailles, with the Comtesse at her elbow, trying to get the young girl to eat properly, to wait patiently (and buck naked) while subordinates vie to dress her, and, eventually, to conceive an heir to the throne.

    Here, then, is the tension: young Louis, for whatever reason, has no interest in making love to his young wife. How old is he? Is he too young and scared to touch this gorgeous young thing? Perhaps he’s gay. Maybe he’s got a lover on the side? Don’t know–aren’t meant to know. And Jason Schwartzmann, an astoundingly mediocre actor riding his role in Rushmore for yet another picture, plays Louis as if he were nothing more than a suburban teenager. Maybe Louis is just like all those fellows vying for Sofia’s attention as a young girl. Those wine country guys aren’t the most thrilling, I guess.

    For whatever reason, Antoinette does not dislike her husband, waiting patiently while he figures out what to do with himself in their wedding bed. In the meantime she shops, goes to parties, bats her eyes at a roguish Swede, and eats piles of cake. Eventually Louis comes around, they consummate their marriage, and she has a girl, who gives our eponymous hero buckets of joy.

    For the most part, Marie Antoinette is a blameless creature, a girl who tries to inject some life into the stuffed shirts and just wants to be happy. Coppola is a master at scenes of young girls pining for that elusive something, and the chores they create to fill bored afternoons. But Antoinette seems almost too close to the filmmaker’s heart, for she is sheltered in this film, never challenged, and key plot elements are dropped entirely. There’s never an argument between Louis and Antoinette; she has an affair that provokes no gossip (where up to this point a pair of shrewish aunts clicked their tongues mercilessly); Ben Franklin and Thomas Jefferson arrive in France, and there’s mention that they’re a crazy pair, but Antoinette never gigs with them. What a story! Instead, we get more and more parties, more and more shoes, and more and more cakes.

    Finally, the mob descends on Antoinette, and we all know the story: she’ll lose her head. The final half hour is tedious, its lighthearted characters forced into somber tones delivered with all the authority of a teenager admitting guilt to a hall monitor. Antoinette becomes a dutiful wife, Louis a responsible adult, and the fun drains right out of the picture. Personally, I was desperate for a dark and dirty mob, wide-eyed and full of violence, to purge this motion picture of its silks and sauces. But it was to no avail. Instead of chaos, Antoinette is taken away in a fancy carriage, muttering to herself. The final shot is a blue room, its chandelier busted and on the floor, the bright lights having fallen to darkness.

    Perhaps the mob are the critics growling at Sofia Coppola, the wrecked bedroom her own little world collapsing as adulthood (and these critics) begin to assert themselves. Marie Antoinette is close to being a great film, but it suffers for its inability to truly wonder about itself and to be totally honest. Coppola should never have even thought of tackling anything real, like the American revolution, when she’s most real being a sad young girl, surrounded by wealth. Dunst’s Antoinette is a pretty enigma, lacking self-reflection, lacking even anger and frustration, a beautiful zombie that leaves us frustrated and wondering. If she really said “Let them eat cake”, perhaps that’s because that was all that nourished that poor soul.

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  • Eatin' Good

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    Can we, just for a second, try to understand what Tyler Florence is doing with Applebee’s?

    He’s created four dishes that they’ve themed “Huge Flavor” by Tyler Florence.

    On the website they show him shopping at a market and chopping tomatoes (with an Applebee’s embossed knife) before he gently slices through the fresh mozzarella that he’s putting in your dish. All the quotes say things like “I quickly sear …” or “I flatten the chicken…”

    Are there people who really believe that he’s cooking for them? Is there anyone who even believes that he’s coached the cooks who are making these dishes? Or that any of the food product comes from anything resembling a fresh market?

    I had to see what was being delivered. I went to an Applebees and tried the herb-crusted chicken: “I coat a whole chicken breast in a light Panko crust and Italian seasonings and top it off with a baby arugula salad mixed with grape tomatoes and fresh mozzarella.”

    The plate was pretty enough, better looking than the dead yelow-green Caesar salad my friend had. But the Panko crust was both greasy and burned on one edge. The actual chicken itself was thin and dry. There was plenty of arugula and tomatoes, but only a few pieces of fresh mozz.

    Not that I expected more. When I asked the server what Panko was, she said bread-crumbs. When I joked, why don’t they just call them bread crumbs, she replied “They’re from France or something.” Huh.

    I’m glad that people who wouldn’t normally recognize a chef’s name are being exposed to arugula and Panko. But without training and sincerity, all you’re doing is patting yourself on the back.

    And what about your name, Mr. Florence? Or is the exposure and cross-promotion of your latest book worth an assignation of low-quality? Don’t worry, they’re not really your restaurants are they, you can shrug off culpability as soon as you move to your next project or tv show.

    Learn from the mistakes of Rocco DiSpirito: You reap what you sow.

  • Managing to Win

    About a year ago, after Minneapolis Mayor R. T. Rybak had celebrated his rout of Peter McLaughlin by diving off the stage into the arms of his supporters, I noticed John Blackshaw wandering through the crowd of well-wishers, a slight smirk on his lips and a look of satisfied exhaustion in his eyes.

    Blackshaw had rescued the Rybak campaign after a near debacle at the city DFL convention in May, and now, six months later, he was ready to move on to the next campaign. I congratulated him and asked a couple of well-worn questions about turning points and challenges—queries he artfully dodged.

    Few voters would recognize Blackshaw or any of the dozens of campaign operatives who ply their trade each election cycle in the Twin Cities and beyond. They are, for the most part, passionate political animals with an almost neurotic attraction to candidates and campaigns. Only a select few earn a paycheck from their political work, and those who do aren’t boasting about the hourly wage. It’s work that, as one of Blackshaw’s peers puts it, “can suck up your life.”

    But there always seems to be enough political intrigue, adrenaline-pumping events, and social-change potential to keep most of them coming back—year after year, campaign after campaign. “Besides serving in the military, working in politics is the most patriotic thing you can do,” said Blackshaw, who most recently piloted the Becky Lourey gubernatorial campaign. “It’s the essence of government.”

    In the following profiles, we’ll meet a half-dozen political operatives who are directing or have directed major campaigns at the local or state level. They are deeply attached to the democratic process, brutally candid about the inadequacies of most candidates and their handlers, and surprisingly idealistic about the future of American politics.

    The Natural
    On a recent Friday afternoon, Ben Goldfarb, the architect behind Amy Klobuchar’s U.S. Senate campaign, was in a meeting, as usual. The white-cubicled Klobuchar headquarters on University Avenue in Southeast Minneapolis was mostly quiet. A colorful paper “countdown chain” was looped over one of the nearby cube walls, and a makeshift “Welcome Volunteers!” sign greeted everyone who stepped off the elevator. A bicycle leaned against a far wall. A young woman took calls at the front desk, her ancient computer monitor sitting on a couple of phone books. A single cigarette and lighter lay poised on the desk in preparation for her next smoke break.

    “The candidate,” as her manager always calls Klobuchar, was in Detroit Lakes. Goldfarb was conferring with new recruits; a rush of new volunteers had recently arrived, and he had to find the right role for each of them and brief them on their job descriptions and the campaign’s goals, schedules, and general operations.

    Goldfarb would call me later, the antsy receptionist said, ignoring my request to poke about the premises to look for a little color in the sterile office. Such a preoccupation with security was not surprising, though. The race against Mark Kennedy for Mark Dayton’s open Senate seat had long ago assumed the blistering intensity of a blood sport, with both campaigns running attack ads and challenging any utterance with a salvo of contradictory claims.

    A couple of weeks earlier, Goldfarb had been forced to fire his communications director after he learned she had peeked at a Kennedy ad sent by a partisan hacker. The revelation sparked a media feeding frenzy and put Goldfarb and Klobuchar on the defensive for one of the few times this election season. It was, he said later, in his typically low-key style, “a difficult situation.”

    When we finally connect that evening, twelve hours into his work day, Goldfarb apologizes for his inaccessibility, explaining that when he’s not in a meeting, he’s on the phone. It’s all part of “keeping the ship moving forward.”

    On a normal day, he’ll arrive at the office about seven a.m. to do a series of check-ins with staff on the morning’s headlines and discuss the communications needs for the day. Then he’ll get on the phone with the candidate (Klobuchar seldom shows up at the office; she’s almost constantly on the road) to talk about her schedule for the day. The job, Goldfarb said, is similar to running a small start-up company (he’s been there). There’s a pure management role, as well as finance, research, communications, and policy duties. “You sort of spread your arms and push the whole thing forward,” he said.

    A high-profile Senate campaign operates at an insanely accelerated pace and features daily, sometimes hourly, attacks from the opposition. Every day, Goldfarb said, he has to deal with “incoming” from the Kennedy campaign and ensure that the media are covering those salvos—and his candidate’s responses—in a way that’s favorable to the campaign. “A lot of time is spent thinking about communicating the right thing,” he explained.

    Since late September, Kennedy has been blasting away at Klobuchar’s performance as Hennepin County’s attorney, alleging that she’s giving out too many plea bargains—a soft-on-crime accusation designed to appeal to both Republicans and blue-collar Democrats. An earlier Kennedy ad slammed Klobuchar for her stances against lobbyists, special interests, Big Oil, and the pharmaceutical industry, noting that she was a registered lobbyist herself, that she took money from a “far left” special-interest group, and that she held personal investments in oil and pharmaceutical companies.

    But little of this has stuck, as Goldfarb and his media staff have moved quickly to rebut allegations, cranking out hundreds of media releases to set the record straight. Much of this work is done by the candidate herself while on the stump. In an October 9 campaign stop in Wabasha, Klobuchar lashed out at Kennedy’s campaign ads and vowed to fight back. “They are smearing us. They are swiftboating us,” she said. “I predicted it in June. It’s their strategy, and we won’t let them get away with it.”

    After Kennedy’s soft-on-crime ad, Klobuchar countered with one that used personal testimony from three crime victims to demonstrate her effectiveness in dealing with everything from identity theft to murder. The parents of Tyesha Edwards told how Klobuchar promised them she’d put the gangsters responsible for their daughter’s death behind bars—and then did it. The spot responds directly to Kennedy’s allegations, with Edwards’ mother telling Kennedy he “should be ashamed.”

    That rebuttal is a perfect example of how Goldfarb and his crew have refused to make the mistakes that sank the Kerry campaign. The lesson: Hit back hard, and hit back fast.
    Klobuchar has been running against Kennedy from the beginning of the campaign, despite the DFL endorsement challenge from Ford Bell, and the campaign has been resolute in painting its Republican opponent as too radical for mainstream Minnesotans, too tied to the failed Bush administration, and too ruthless to be embraced by voters who want solutions, not dogma. Despite Kennedy’s attempts to portray himself as an independent voice (and a nice guy) in his ads, he is in some ways still feeling the fallout from his nasty reelection campaign against Patty Wetterling two years ago, during which he did everything but call Wetterling a terrorist. Goldfarb has picked up on that vibe and worked hard to position Kennedy as an attack dog willing to do anything to keep his Washington job.

    Klobuchar, meanwhile, slid through the DFL endorsement battle and is on the verge of a victory by leaning constantly toward the center. In a Star Tribune profile less than a month before the election, she called herself “my own kind of Democrat”—meaning someone to the right of Senator Mark Dayton, the Republicans’ favorite whipping boy.

    That position infuriated DFL progressives who rallied behind Bell’s endorsement bid, but Goldfarb clearly understood that, in these partisan times, DFLers ought to be more interested in winning elections than in making a statement—especially when control of the Senate could hinge on their votes in the Klobuchar-Kennedy race.

    That climate has allowed Klobuchar to dance around many of the issues in the campaign. She refused to take the bait from Bell, who challenged her repeatedly to call for the immediate withdrawal of U.S. troops from Iraq. Instead, she remains committed to a phased withdrawal with a vague timeline. She’s also stayed away from the universal health care mantra and focused instead on “fiscal responsibility” in Washington, a tried-and-true campaign tool as nebulous as it is bulletproof.

    It’s not that this has been an error-free campaign for Goldfarb and his crew. He said he’s had to deal with plenty of emergencies. But none was as serious as when word got out that his communications director looked at a Kennedy campaign ad sent her by a Klobuchar supporter. The news made headlines for a couple days before Goldfarb announced he’d fired the staffer and turned over evidence to the FBI for investigation.

    The story quickly died, and later attempts by the Kennedy campaign to revive it have gone nowhere.

    Goldfarb declined to comment on the Kennedy-ad debacle except to say it was the “biggest fire” he’d had to put out. He said he responded to the dustup the way he responds to any campaign emergency. “I take a little bit of time and be quiet and think about it, and not rush to immediate judgment,” he said. “Then I bring in the senior circle of folks to talk about what we want to do. Then we make quick decisions and go.”

    At the age of twenty-nine, Goldfarb is no newcomer to the political scene, having run Jay Benanav’s unsuccessful St. Paul mayoral campaign in 2001 and coordinated John Kerry’s get-out-the-vote drive in 2004. But few political insiders could have predicted his role in one of the nation’s highest-profile Senate races.

    The New York native cut his organizing teeth doing Saul Alinsky–style community work while taking a semester of urban studies classes in Chicago. He came to Minnesota to study at Macalester College, where he graduated in 1999 with a degree in urban studies. The following year, he ran the St. Paul schools referendum campaign, and he later worked for AFSCME and Progressive Minnesota.

    Goldfarb was working in the private sector when Klobuchar called last February. Part of a Minneapolis-based media distribution start-up called InRadio at the time, he was newly married and negotiating deals with artists and their record labels in New York, where his wife, Nora Whalen, was attending graduate school. “I was enjoying life a lot,” he recalls, and though he was flattered by Klobuchar’s offer (noting “there’s lots of great people who do this stuff”), he actually wasn’t all that keen to come back to the Midwest.

    Whalen wouldn’t finish grad school until May, and Goldfarb admitted that the prospect of being separated from her for several months was not particularly appealing. “It wasn’t like a no-brainer,” he said of the decision. “I took a little bit of convincing.”

    But he and Klobuchar clicked from the beginning. They agreed that the campaign would rely more on grassroots organizing than on massive media ad buys and direct mail. And Goldfarb knew how to build a campaign from the ground up. “We see things very similarly,” he said of himself and Klobuchar.

    Still, Goldfarb hesitated until Whalen weighed in on the matter, and she was fairly blunt: “She thought I was an idiot to consider not doing it,” he says.

    As election day nears, Goldfarb said he doesn’t regret the decision. He’s learned a lot and has had the opportunity to work with some “incredible” people. The schedule is brutal, but he still finds time to play soccer once a week, spend time with his wife, eat periodically (“You’ve got to remember to make time for food,” he advised), and sleep as much as possible. “I’ve had to reduce all the other components of my life.”

    As intense a job as it is, Goldfarb pushes on each day with the knowledge that what he’s doing is really important. “It’s a sense of purpose [driven by the fact] that our elected officials make really important decisions that affect all of our lives,” he said.

    So there’s no sense that this job—especially if your candidate wins—might add a little luster to your résumé?

    “I really only do this because I think it’s important. I have no interest in being a candidate or being in the legislative system or running other campaigns. It’s just the most important thing I could do this year,” he said. “After this, I’m going to do something else.”

    Following the election, Goldfarb will spend “a couple of weeks” closing down the campaign operation before heading off to New York for Thanksgiving and then taking an extended vacation with his wife.

    Any particular destination?

    Not really, he said. “Just a quiet time in a place where there are no Blackberrys.”

    The Pro
    John Blackshaw’s first campaign-organizing effort landed him in the office of his school-district superintendent. He and a fellow freshman at his Pasadena, California, high school wanted to know who the best teachers were. Because there was no other way to obtain evaluations, they conducted a survey among their classmates.

    “We were really serious about it,” he recalled. “But the teachers went nuts.”

    Blackshaw and his pal were summoned to the superintendent’s office, various attorneys were called in, and eventually, the impromptu survey was permitted (with some compromises). Blackshaw later headed a two-person ticket for president and vice-president of the student body—the first time that approach had ever been considered at the school—and won.
    Such leadership aspirations came pretty naturally to Blackshaw. The son of active California Democrats, he had volunteered for Bobby Kennedy’s presidential campaign in 1968 and still vividly recalls watching on television that June evening as his candidate was shot and killed after having essentially secured the Democratic nomination with his California-primary victory.

    But rather than giving up on the political process, Blackshaw dove in. He took his political science degree from the University of California– Santa Barbara to Washington, DC, where he interned for U.S. Senator Harrison Williams during the Abscam scandal, which cost the New Jersey politian his seat in 1982. After law school, Blackshaw rose to the upper echelons of the doomed 1988 Michael Dukakis presidential campaign.

    Two years later, Pat Forceia asked him to come to Minnesota to work on the long-shot U.S. Senate campaign of a Carleton College political science professor named Paul Wellstone. Blackshaw ended up running that campaign and finding a new life in the political arena.

    Blackshaw stayed on as Wellstone’s chief of staff for a year before wandering away from non-stop politics and building his marketing, communications, and public relations résumé. He spent some time with Forceia and the Minnesota North Stars, did some consulting with the Minneapolis-based Tunheim Partners, and headed up ad guru Bill Hillsman’s company for a couple years.

    Blackshaw never completely left the political world, though. Like many campaign operatives, he continued to advise candidates even as he maintained a full-time consulting business. In the end, it’s all about sales. “We’re not selling a product, but many of the same principles apply,” he explained. “We’re selling ideas, selling personality, selling a vision.”

    These days, Blackshaw’s marketing and communications skills, honed inside and outside the world of politics over the past two decades, allow him, like any well-connected consultant, to slide into and out of any political campaign that’s smart enough to call. He was part of the Howard Dean phenomenon in 2004 before getting a call from Rybak last spring.

    The Minneapolis mayor, Blackshaw said, was “very coachable” about ideas and style but had trouble articulating his vision—especially around the issue of public safety. It was clear early on in the campaign that his opponent, Hennepin County Commissioner Peter McLaughlin, was going to hammer him on crime. Blackshaw recalls how long it took Rybak and his staff to grasp the importance of the issue. At a meeting, he told them they needed to put more cops on the street or Rybak could lose the election. “The staff kept saying, ‘We can’t do that. There’s no money,’ ” he recalled.

    “Turn off some streetlights,” Blackshaw suggested.

    After much wrangling, the staff came back with a proposal to hire three more officers. “They were really congratulating themselves for that, and I’m saying, ‘Three?’ ”

    Rybak eventually found the money to hire sixty officers. “He finally got it,” Blackshaw said.

    For all its ups and downs, last year’s Rybak campaign was easy compared to the Lourey contest. Blackshaw came on board early in the game as a comanager, along with longtime local political strategist Joe Barisonzi, and the team soon had the scrappy state senator in a position to win the DFL nomination at the state convention in June. But when Blackshaw arrived in Rochester the first day of the convention, the Lourey operation was in a shambles. “The campaign just imploded,” he said.

    Lourey staffers were obsessed with persuading party officials to remove the Mike Hatch signs that covered the walls of the convention hall, taking away energy and staff from the floor operation, which is so critical to counting and swaying delegates. Distracted by the sign issue, Lourey forces lost valuable ground to both Hatch and Steve Kelley, and wound up finishing a disappointing third.

    “The campaign was decimated after the convention,” Blackshaw said. “We had to rebuild it.” But he couldn’t. In the September primary, Hatch buried Lourey by a margin of almost three to one.

    Just another campaign? Maybe, but Blackshaw moves on knowing that the game has changed. Campaigns are getting more expensive, meaner, and more personal, he said, pointing particularly to the attacks on congressional candidate Keith Ellison. “It’s more of a blood sport.”

    The Rookie
    Running a political campaign, especially a “bottom-of-the-ballot” contest like the race for Hennepin County attorney, is not a glamorous job. At this level, the campaign manager has to do everything: coordinate volunteers, communicate with the media, schedule events, and coach the candidate. But for Gia Vitali, who’s running Andy Luger’s bid to succeed Amy Klobuchar, it’s just part of a larger learning process.

    “Everybody comes to you,” said the thirty-year-old Little Canada native. “You have to prioritize things every day, every hour.”

    The former aide to U.S. Representative Bruce Vento and U.S. Representative Betty McCollum is running her first campaign, and it’s proving to be a test not only of her perseverance and organizing abilities but of her long-term interest in serious campaign work. Vitali, seen by some local politicos as a rising star, admits that she’d love to make this a career even as she wonders how she’s going to survive through Election Day.

    “You don’t get into this business for the money or the job security,” she said. “You’ve got to love it.”

    And to hear Vitali tell it, you have to be in it to win.

    Unlike many of the campaign managers I talked to for this story, Vitali has little interest in the underdog campaign—the principled candidate who’s running primarily to raise a set of issues or to make a certain point about the process. She says she understands that perspective, but she’d avoid such a campaign.

    “If I was going to put everything into this and the candidate was going to put everything into this, you ought to get something out of it,” she said. “There has to be a reality check.”

    Vitali hasn’t always been that competitive; helping to get out the vote for Kerry in 2004 may have lit a fire. When Luger asked her to run his campaign more than a year ago, she agreed only to meet with him and see if he was a serious candidate. “I asked him, ‘Do you know what you’re getting into, and do you really want to work that hard?’ ”

    That’s tough talk from a woman who was entering kindergarten when her candidate graduated from college. But Vitali wanted to be sure Luger was serious before she committed to the eighteen months of grinding campaign work that would be required to place an unknown local attorney in a position to challenge Mike Freeman.

    As the campaign moves into its final days, Vitali has done just that. Luger won the DFL endorsement and is likely to prevail on November 7. But as Vitali noted early on, nothing comes easy. To win, you must surround yourself with committed people who have different perspectives, you must be able to communicate effectively, and you have to work hard—really hard.

    “There’s tons of pressure,” Vitali admitted, but she does her best to maintain a little balance by running twice a week, setting aside some time for family, and remembering that there is a finish line to this and every election. “There are seven more weeks to work for this goal,” she said. “I can do anything for seven weeks.”

    And if your candidate loses?

    “I’m not going to lose,” she snapped. “I don’t think about losing. If you think about losing, you open the door to losing.”

    Vitali’s also trying not to think about what her life will be like on November 8. If Luger wins, there will be transition-team work as he readies himself for office, but beyond that, she really doesn’t know what’s next.

    “I’m not sure I’ll be working another campaign after this,” Vitali said, noting that she has some interest in marketing, lobbying, and the labor movement, but despite the long hours, the anonymity, and the utter inevitability of that first loss somewhere down the road, she’s not sure she wouldn’t dive back in. “There’s a piece of me that fears that if I’m not a part of this, I’ll be missing something.”

    The Captain

    By his own count, Michael Guest has worked on about twenty campaigns over the past decade. He’s been instrumental in guiding underdog city council candidates to victory (including Don Samuels’ hard-fought win over incumbent Natalie Johnson Lee last November) and helped deliver the DFL endorsement to Keith Ellison.

    In fact, it’s not uncommon to find Guest working in the background of several campaigns simultaneously. “I like to shape the dynamics,” he admitted.

    And while the thirty-nine-year-old strategist has been known to characterize his political activity as part public service, part addiction (he says he’s been trying to retire since 2004), he remains one of the area’s most sought-after consultants.

    In January, when her campaign was faltering, Lourey called on Guest to help rebuild morale. “They ended up calling me ‘Captain,’ ” he recalled.

    Not that such demand necessarily translates into a living wage. Over the years, Guest has parlayed his skills and network into a series of political organizing and lobbying contracts on the local, regional, and national scenes. It gives him the flexibility he needs to maintain his connections to local politics while paying the mortgage on his South Minneapolis home.

    His diversity of experience has prompted Guest to forge some concrete opinions about what can make or break a campaign. Chief among these is that too many candidates spew messages that never reach beyond their own inner circle of advisers. “It’s not what resonates with you, it’s what resonates with the public,” Guest said. “And most people don’t spend five minutes a month thinking about politics.”

    That’s what happened in the Samuels-Johnson Lee race, he explained. Four years earlier, Johnson Lee pulled a shocking upset of then City Council President Jackie Cherryhomes. But that was an anti-incumbent year. In 2005, there was no such sentiment, but Johnson Lee still ran as an outsider. “It was a casebook example of not knowing what got her elected,” he said.

    Samuels, on the other hand, turned out to be one of Guest’s favorite candidates. “He understood his shortcomings and took advice.”

    So the message needs to be simple, practical, and relevant to voters. But even when you craft an effective message, it doesn’t guarantee success.

    At least that’s the lesson Guest learned from his own city council run in 2001, when he challenged incumbent Kathy Thurber. That challenge ultimately convinced Thurber not to run for reelection, Guest argues, but it wasn’t enough to win him the DFL endorsement, which went to Gary Schiff—with Thurber’s support.

    Guest doesn’t lose much sleep over the setback. “I like selling other people. I’m not effective selling myself,” he said.

    Besides, there’s a clear upside to being outside of the city hall power structure. A Samuels supporter tiled Guest’s basement floor in thanks for his work on the campaign. And State Representative Tim Mahoney of St. Paul trades plumbing work for Guest’s speechwriting and other services.

    “I can never run for office, because I’d have to give up all the free work,” he said.

    Forrest Gump
    At the 1988 DFL caucuses, Sonja Dahl was standing alone in her Nuclear Freeze/Skip Humphrey subcaucus, wondering whether there were any other principled DFL peaceniks in the hall, when a handsome young man approached her and indicated his support for her cause. It was Norm Coleman.

    This is only one of the many ironies this Minneapolis veteran of the political wars can point to when she recalls her more than twenty-year career as an activist, volunteer, and campaign manager. Dahl was purged, along with most of the campaign staff, during State Senator John Marty’s run for governor in 1994, dispatched to Willmar to work for Congressman David Minge, and helped elect Paul Wellstone to the U.S. Senate only to have him die on her birthday.

    “I’m the person who knows everybody,” Dahl said. Indeed, Rybak once compared her to Forrest Gump. Given that she’s been a fixture on nearly every significant political campaign since the early 1980s, it’s probably an accurate description. Still, the forty-eight-year-old Dahl is more the prototypical campaign worker than the high-octane political strategist. She’s the one who knows how to get your signs up in the best location in a convention hall, the one who knows how to represent your campaign in the ballot-counting process, and the one who can get your phone banks working for those last-minute get-out-the-vote drives.

    Dahl’s résumé ranges from stints at Clean Water Action and the Nuclear Weapon Freeze Campaign to statewide campaigns for Wellstone, Marty, Tom Daschle, and Tom Harkin, a congressional race for Minge, and innumerable local contests. She recalls Marty firing almost his entire campaign about three weeks before the 1994 gubernatorial election despite the fact that his fundraising operation was so effective that he “couldn’t spend the money fast enough” in the days leading up to the election.

    Then there was the Minge race in 1992, when the campaign manager tabbed her to travel to Willmar and organize Kandiyohi County in the two weeks before the election. “We had no volunteers, no phone banks,” she said. “My volunteers were a high school kid and an eighty-year-old farmer.”

    Minge won the election by a mere 500 votes, but he carried Dahl’s county by 2,500 votes. “I really felt like I made a difference,” she said.

    For delivering Kandiyohi County, Dahl was paid $500.

    Dahl can handle the modest compensation; what bothers her is how people look at campaigns and assume the tide turns on some isolated issue rather than on the grueling labor of the campaign workers. The 1990 Wellstone victory is a case in point. Conventional wisdom suggests that incumbent senator Rudy Boschwitz lost the election because he circulated a letter to Jewish supporters claiming that he was a “better Jew” than Wellstone. Dahl points out that the groundwork for that upset was laid weeks beforehand, recalling the moment she first noticed that there were more volunteers for the phone banks than they could use. “The energy and momentum were just palpable,” she said.

    The Insider
    When he was five years old, Peter Wagenius met Walter Mondale, and soon after, he was doing literature drops for his mother’s campaign and making lawn signs out of plywood. He’s not one to idealize politics.

    Wagenius, the son of longtime State Representative Jean Wagenius, now works as a senior policy aide for Mayor Rybak and has worked on more campaigns than he can remember. Yet he’s managed to maintain a reasonable perspective on the process. “If you want to change the world or your community, political activism is the way to do it,” he said.

    Which is not to say that “the carnival of politics,” as Wagenius called it, doesn’t get a bit bizarre at times. After all, those who are most attracted to politics tend to be people who want something either for themselves or for their community, people with too much time on their hands, or people who like to be close to power. This can lead to odd behavior, long meetings, poor candidates, or all three.

    Wagenius recalls his first state convention, in 1990, when convention officials dealt with a bomb threat by debating the pros and cons of evacuating the hall—never deviating from Robert’s Rules of Order. And he remembers without much fondness when the new manager of the John Marty campaign fired the whole fundraising department before realizing that it was the only aspect of the campaign having any success. The manager then tried to keep the newly-fireds from leaving by promising them jobs, when everyone on the staff knew Marty was going to be buried by Arne Carlson.

    Wagenius later helped State Representative Phil Carruthers oust longtime Speaker of the House Irv Anderson. When news of the vote was reported on the radio, Wagenius had to pull over. “I was screaming in my car,” he recalled. “When I got home, I was literally congratulating the furniture.”

    If that sounds pathological, Wagenius wouldn’t disagree. “In order to clock the hours, you need to believe you have history in your hands. You need to believe you can control the outcome if you work hard enough,” he said.

    Those beliefs can lead to heartbreak and “complete and utter helplessness,” of course, as Wagenius learned firsthand when Skip Humphrey “got his clock cleaned” by Jesse Ventura. But it can also bring you the kind of joy he felt when Rybak beat two-term incumbent mayor Sharon Sayles Belton in 2001.

    All of Wagenius’ coworkers thought he was insane to work for Rybak, but he says he was convinced Rybak was going to win. So, as he had done with John Marty and Phil Carruthers, he set out to prove them all wrong—and succeeded.

    “I knew,” he said, with more wonderment than hubris. “Do you know how good that feels?”

  • All This Talking About God

    The brightness that sustains me is meant to blow away. Almost every day, I walk down to the college to watch the Buddhist nuns. The young Tibetans fold themselves crossed-legged on the wooden platform, funneling colored sand grain by grain onto a chalked pattern in the center. They wear cloth masks so their breath doesn’t scatter the sand. Grain by grain, color by color, creating a circular mandala, the house of a god. It’s the only thing that brings me peace, makes me forget my empty hands. Silently they pray as they work. Four at a time they bend over the great wheel, heads bowed, hands curled, shaping, as patient as stalking cats. I guess they believe life is only suffering, but they seem so contented.

     

    Talking to God, that’s all some people talk about, at the bus stop, laundromat, the bank. They are full of advice, stories of the Lord’s personal favors. I know that the black woman is supposed to thump on her Bible, serve up the family dinner, and call on God to help her keep it all together. I know that’s my place. But since when did I ever do what I’m supposed to do? Still, these people keep at me, talking about their gods. Even on TV, the running back in the end zone says, “I thank God, he was with us today,” because his god is a Jets fan, his god does not listen to the pleas of the Miami quarterback, the Denver coach. I am told many things by many people anxious to help. They claim to talk to God, and he (or she) tells them things to tell me, things to make me change my ways, my whys, things to make me see the light, to open my heart, and so it does; the chambers open, open, shut, shut, like hands in prayer.

    How I’m raised to judge myself: Woman is the pillar that holds the roof when other support gives way. She is the anchor, the rock, guardian of her family’s health, spiritual and mental. So where does that leave me? I couldn’t help my baby. I’m no help to my husband. I haven’t been on speaking terms with God for years, and certainly not since Daisy died, and her so little, not even talking. People keep telling me God has a plan. If that’s so I’d have to believe He had something to do with her death, too busy taking calls from football players and soap-opera actresses. Who can suffer a God like that? Even cruel nature seems more kind.

    She was such a little thing, eight months, and her symptoms seemed so slight. When I called the doctor back and said, she’s still fevered, they weren’t really worried. We took her to the hospital, then everything went horribly wrong. The fever kept going up and there lay my poor baby, packed in ice like that with all the IVs. She was blotchy and puffy, and then she just quit on me. Something went, her liver or kidneys, then her heart. The doctors leaped in, blowing air into her with a bag, shocking her chest. Even they were shaken. A matter of hours. I could say I prayed good and hard but frankly, I didn’t have time to mumble one under my breath. And I could say that bitter trial strengthened my faith, but it wasn’t much to begin with, and after—well, just another thing dusted over by neglect.

    Then all this crazy comfort, talking about God. Some fool gives me a coffee mug with the story about the one set of footprints in the sand and why, God, did you leave me in my heartache and God says, that is when I carried you—a coffee mug, as if that will mend my heart, clear my head. Well, carry me or not, we aren’t speaking now. Somehow it never took root in me. The church of my childhood was custom more than devotion in my household. My mama, as intelligent a woman as you’ll ever meet, a teacher, wasn’t particularly devout, and she’s got her reasons. My grandma used to “get the spirit” and it seemed to me then, a girl in pigtails, like a demonic possession. Not the Word, a bird, fluttering epileptically inside her. I only saw it happen once or twice; she rarely came to visit. She lived down south, and my mama had a strange pride in saying she would never set foot in Alabama again. We all have lines we won’t cross.

    Gerald and I work at the phone company. Gerald is a lineman, out in all kinds of weather, up in the cherry picker, rotating night shifts. It was always Gerald I worried about, not Daisy. Out in ice storms with the downed electric lines and all. Daisy was safe and warm at home with me. She would grow up, have her chicken pox and skinned knees, get her grown-up teeth, have birthday parties, learn her times tables, and be someone. It was my husband in the dark storm I worried over.

    When I went back to work they all knew about Daisy, so I didn’t have to excuse my bone-tired stare. Checks kept coming in and I kept them credited right. Credits and debits, cool, clean numbers, safe enough; people pay a lot to talk. Lately friends point out to me it’s free to talk to God. That big hearing ear, big piggy-backer, enfolding hand; he’s all there in bits and pieces for some game-show winner, but who’s minding the store for the rest of us? Charlanne just sat quiet with me at coffee break, for which I was grateful, sometimes rattling her braceletty arm toward me and putting a warm hand on mine. Just keeping me company in my devastation. No chatter about taking up the burden, following in His footsteps. You don’t talk that trash to a grieving mother. You don’t go around saying that her baby girl is in a better place.

    One day on our lunch hour Charlanne said, get your coat, we’re going out. We walked down the street to the college. In a room with high ceilings, almost like a chapel, the Buddhist nuns worked quietly. They sat on a big platform in their maroon robes; their heads, shorn to black stubble, all looked alike as they bent over their work. Charlanne and I pulled up chairs and watched the mandala take shape. Now I go back almost every day.
    They are Tibetans living in exile in Nepal, here for some special occasion at the college. At moments when they take a break, smiling, chatting, we realize that they are just girls, college-age themselves. One of the older nuns, perhaps my age, takes me by the hand. Her English is good; she has a lazy eye. Smiling, she explains their rituals, the symbols of the mandala. It represents the home of a deity of compassion, with a central medallion, the four gates, a symbolic tapestry of color. In tempera-bright colors—red, yellow, blue, dark and pale green, orange, and white—they sift tiny lines: scrolls for clouds, religious symbols, small rainspouts for the palace roof. The patterns are bright and fine as embroidery, a quilting of sand, held together by nothing, yet whole. She nods toward the altar, explains the offerings of flowers, waxy cakes, incense. How they asked the Dalai Lama (I guess that is like asking God) to be allowed to learn the sacred art from their brother monks. For this act of devotion they’ll gain merit in the next life, my guide explains. They’ll dismantle the mandala in a ritual, to return the blessings to the earth.

    Sometimes the nuns climb down and refold themselves before the altar at the far end of the room, each clasping a bell and a charm of bronze like interlocking figure-eights. I don’t understand what they’re saying, but they’re talking to God with fine, curling, undulating hands, low chanting that rises and falls. Then they shake out their limbs, chat for a bit, crawl back on the platform and pick up their narrow silver funnels, their meditations.

    The pattern must be a mystery my heart knows, not my head. I come back as often as I can.

    “These things just happen sometimes,” the doctor had said, meaning to be kind, laying a hand on my shoulder—a young woman like me, tired and stunned. “The infection was just too persistent. I’m so sorry.”

    “Don’t tell me that, sometimes—not to my baby,” I’d cried out, throwing off her touch. “Don’t gimme no sometimes, there’s my girl, there’s supposed to be antibiotics, there’s supposed to be—” One minute in my arms, the next, small and lifeless on the bed. I collapsed against Gerald, his own hot tears washing his face, knowing I should be comforting him, that he needed me to hold him up. But I had no strength. We cried into one another’s neck and shoulders, our baby girl before us with a tube in her arm and the mask off her face, done with struggle; cried there without pride, without hope, as the hospital shuttled all around us.

    She was named Danielle after Gerald’s mother, a tall woman with a long face, soft-spoken and fiercely dignified. But I called her my little Daisy. She was born February 7, eight pounds, twelve ounces, with a little mole above her butt on the left. She was only eight months, still at the breast, a child with a sunny disposition, a curious expression of surprise on her fat cheeks, a squeaky laugh.

    I took a week’s vacation and lay around the house crying, or stone-faced, unable to. My mama came for a few days, quietly took over the kitchen, let me cry when I could. “I should’ve taken her to the doctor sooner.” Cold, like it was someone else’s life, a movie I’d seen. “Tell me what to do, Mama.”

    “Times like this it’s hard to find your way, I know,” she said, rubbing my back.

    Gerald and I passed like ghosts, not saying much, brushing closely past each other, grazing fingertips, curling desperately together in bed for fear the other would vanish. I made myself cook him proper dinners, meat and vegetables, potatoes or biscuits, so he could keep his strength up. I couldn’t eat. My breasts were still swollen. I had to express the milk with that pump, everything flowing out of me, all milk and tears, leaving me empty. The doctor said I’d have to stop soon, to let my body adjust to the absence of suckling. Sat in the rocking chair with my hands empty except for that damn breast pump and my body grieved for my child, my arms aching for the weight of that little warm shape. It took all the will in my slack body to do the dishes at night, to rake myself out of bed before noon. Sometimes Gerald got the coffee on, washed the pots.

    One morning, passing the half-open door to the bathroom: Gerald’s face lathered up but only half shaven, his palms braced on the sink, his head hangs, he’s crying so quietly I hear only breath. I hushed past. He used to curl her on one arm like a sack of flour, a football, tickle her chin with a finger to get that squeaky duck laugh. For some reason we tried to smile bravely at each other, but it was grotesque and we sank into wordless touches. I felt like I had no voice.

    It’s Gerald I come home to, but I don’t like being in the house alone. I make excuses to go out, invent errands; the botanical gardens, the mandala-makers, movies, window-shopping. One day I’m driving to work and I hear an ad on the radio for the zoo. I think of toucans and flamingos all day as I sit at my keyboard. It’s not far and I stop on the way home, pay my three-dollar donation. I look at the birds but they don’t hold my interest long; the gorilla is throwing his poop at the spectators. My feet take me to the cats.

    When I was little I begged for a cat like my friend Donetta had, but my mama had a horror of them, I don’t know why—some ancestral voodoo nonsense. I walk down the ramp into that cat smell, and I can see the pens are too small, though they’ve tried to shape them with landscaping and all. A Siberian tiger sleeps on a concrete ledge, its back pressed against the thick glass, half an inch from my hand. I could tap on the window and I bet the big cat wouldn’t even jump. The sign says there are new cubs, but I don’t see them. Her fur looks stiff as wire, luscious black and white paintings on her face; the bristly whiskers twitch occasionally, a paw as big as my face flexes. Some hunting dream.

    In the next pen the leopard is restless—pacing, pacing, a lopsided arc around the oak with its clawed bark. The sunken enclosure must be a good half-acre, but he is hemmed in, no horizons; the autumn sun gives little heat. He belongs someplace huge, the African savannah scorched yellow, not in a grimy northern city. Tongue lolling out, he stops, pants listlessly. I know this look, this dulled perseverance. The look says, what are we doing so far from home? Where’s my sun? However did we get here? Capture, displacement.

    On my way out I pass seals barking, begging children for fish, a polar bear swimming laps in the too-small pool. Someday we would have taken Daisy to feed the seals. The smell of fish makes me want to cry. I am late to make dinner.

    Gerald knew when he married me that I didn’t claim faith. Man and wife four years, and I still marvel at his. My husband, he’s got a man’s God and a man’s minister, all sanctifying and testifying, scouts all in uniform, merit badges shining.

    I love Gerald—but his words have no more wings on them than mine. Yet he stands up and sings his hymns, accepting grace as his due. I sing, too. Rock of Salvation. Someone’s singin’, Lord, kumbaya. Go tell it on the mountain. Someone’s sing-in’, Lord, but it’s for my own comfort; preachers know the power of giving voice.
    Gerald is a kind man, quiet like his mother, confident, without anger. He goes to his church and comes back full of rescue. The world owes him better for his uncomplaining patience. I owe him better. I should be his rock, but right now all I’ve got is blood and milk, tears and sweat, animal things washing through me, things that don’t bear reckoning. I’ll suffer through and give him what I can—my love for him is primitive and holy. He’s my sun. I can’t help it; I love that man more than I could love any god.

    I know it’s a jealous God in the Old Testament, envious of a woman’s love, her ability to bring forth life. Woman is fierce in her loving, like a cat who owns you, commands you or is your equal. A cat wants to sleep up against your heat, to breathe in your face, share your space as close as possible; then walk away, walk the perimeter on the fence tops, before she comes back. A cat has secrets. A cat could talk to God. Never a dog; a dog only wants to please master, whatever the cost. All these people throwing platitudes at me: “Offer it up.” They only understand a god they can be subservient to, give up their will to, cast off the burden of their own hearts and minds. “Give over the burden.” They want me to hurry up already, get it over with, a sudden resolution—as if grieving has a deadline, like it’s not a long, hard walk.
    In bed I listen to Gerald’s breathing go loose and soft; his hand brushes my hip. As I start to doze I see the leopard looking for its big sun. The tiger twitches her paw, her whiskers. Why can’t God be a creature like that? A sensual creature, a thing with fangs and claws. An instinctual god, no promises, no preaching. My spirit has longings, too. I need a god that wants us to dance. One two three, one two three, a fine old waltz, scandalous. A holy roller shaking in the ring of a great colorful circus. None of us want to feel so small, so alone, shut off from the sky. But I need power here at hand: old gods out of the forest, all kinds of howling juju and Mary in her motherly sorrow, animal spirits.

    Beside me the tiger stirs and growls. I feel her warm back pressed against me as in some deep dream she prowls her territory, sniffs the Siberian air, recalls only in sleep the scent of freedom, some other way of being.

    The nuns are serene as ever and I can tell the mandala will be finished soon—the huge wheel is almost filled with intricate shapes, a colorful fever-dream. My guide, the nun with the smile and lazy eye, says there remains only the lotus-petal border of white sand. Her name is Domo. The blessings multiply as they work and pray. In a few days, she says, it will be completed, then demolished, because the devotion of making is enough; nothing is permanent. Domo says the gift remains precious, not less cherished for being destroyed. I guess their gods, too, have ways that come to us as mysteries. In the end they will sweep all the colors together, carry the sands in a procession to the river, return the blessings to water, to earth. Maybe someone will be talking to God meantime, among the waving tangerine sleeves and shaved heads, cymbals and horns. Yes, I think, that’s right. Shouldn’t we dance behind the nurses, the hearses, to celebrate the freed soul, give back its many brilliant reds and oranges and blues to the dark water, stars in the pond? But no; we mutter, wear drab, drape in crepe. Did so, myself. Did not raise a mighty noise. Back into the brown earth, brown child.

    It’s a Saturday, just three weeks after we lost her, when I send Gerald out to the store. I’ve been wearing a cabbage leaf in each bra cup because the doctor said it would help stop the milk flow—folk wisdom, not medicine. But after a couple of days, the soft crinkle and cabbagey smell is making me so sad, I go to the kitchen, peel the wilted greens from my breasts, throw them in the trash can. I take out a box of old friends—Mahalia Jackson, the Clark Sisters, Sissy Houston—music, what’s left of my faith. I pull out an old record of the Terrell Sisters and I turn it way up and let the gospel music full of praise and sorrow wail up around the walls, splatter over the furniture, slide along the floors. Guide us through the storm, oh Lord, through the bitter rain, they sing. I go into the little room we’d made into Daisy’s nursery with the flowered curtains and wallpaper border. My Lord, oh my Lord, speak to me. I know these songs not just by heart, but in my heart, harmony and melody; hymns, that’s what I’ve kept from churchgoing.

    I go in there with boxes and I take out the clean clothes, the onesies and the tiny T-shirts. The little pink knit sweater and cap, the frilly dress from her Granny Danielle, ridiculous for a child so small. Is there only darkness? Only pain and strife? I sing along. I take those things and the tiny booties out of the little drawer and I fold them neatly and pack them away. The little ribbon bows for the barely kinky hair she barely had. The shoes. The plastic pants, little towels, all the while my eyes burning with tears. Do my prayers fail in darkness? Stand on a chair and take down the mobile over the crib, tear off the light blankets, put them in a bag. I start to choke on the words while I let my madness out, singing hard. I pound the wall with my palm, I shout out with the Terrell Sisters, No, no! The Lord shines down a light—but it’s just howling. It’s release but not rescue, just more tears clacketing through my back, my ribs, the wailing that has to come. I take the sheets and the toys—Do my tears go unheard?—and stuff them in a bag to burn them, burn them all, all the traces of the infection that robbed me of my baby girl. Scalding, hacking with sobs, resolute. I turn the record over and get a bucket of hot suds and that’s where Gerald finds me, on my knees, scrubbing Lysol over the crib, walls and everything and wailing at the top of my lungs because Clea Terrell can sing Awake to Miracles but there wasn’t one coming for me.

    “Don’t do this, baby, don’t do this,” he says, taking the brush out of my hand and wrapping his arms around me. I can see he is scared, of me, of my passion; he doesn’t see it’s just the body’s alarm. I hold my hands out to the side with my wet rubber gloves and howl some more, ’til I can get a grip on myself. “It’s okay,” I say between gasps. “It’s okay. I’m okay. I—just been quiet as a church mouse, so quiet, and I need to cry, I need to yell. Oh no,” as the tears well up again. My body has the rhythm of the sobs and it won’t let go. “I just need to cry for a week of Sundays.” Tears in his own eyes, he lets me go, pats my back and nods, and I stand stupidly crying in the middle of that room with my yellow gloves dripping, and wave my husband out the door.

    I cry, I sing, I yell ’til I’m drained, then I put out the boxes of Daisy’s things. I ask Gerald to burn the small bag of sheets, the few crib toys, all infected, tainted—to burn them, burn, I want to see my rage done up in kerosene. He shakes his head at me, no; no, girl, goes and pushes the bag deep into the trash can.

    So the sun keeps rising and somehow Gerald and I do, too, something to be continued, and hold our breaths or silences, and hold each other. The future seems heavy as a roof. And so goes all this talking to God: those Black Muslims down the block calling on Him a dozen times each Friday, the Jews who don’t say His name, and earnest Christians, the football stars and the bottle-blond rappers testifying. But I need a God more fierce and close. Maybe it’s me, in my loss, in my need, that can’t cotton to theology, sermonizing. An old-school African nature-god might suit; some long, masked face that speaks in dance and movement, music instead of testaments. She needs to come shameless and simmering around my leg, saying, You’re mine. A god who wants my speech, she’s got to take it. She’s got to say, you and me, we’re attached; then maybe I’ll start talking. She’s got to make me hers, rake her claws up and down my shabby bark, mark me with her fine, scented whiskers, and yowl.

    More than ever, it’s hard to find my place, my breasts still leaking unclaimed milk, my body missing my baby in ways that won’t meet words. What’s a body to do but go on—it’s in our blood to continue. I guess maybe Gerald and I will have another child someday—I owe him that, too. But right now my body’s still slack from childbearing and weary with grief. I will need to make up some kind of faith before then, a cat faith or a dog faith, something to hang my mortal hat on. I need something to cling to, otherwise there is just the sand sifting in a random dance. Things don’t happen for a reason, not things like that—unless you give them a pattern to fit into, “God’s will.” How else does a people bear strife and loss, oppression and cruelty and downright evil? They say, “God’s will.”

    I’ve got those longings for a thing that might be faith, a wheel swirling with color, a mystery only the soul and body understand. One day I may find myself in veils and trousers, like Khalila who found Islam and a husband in Cleveland. I might yet find my way back to Jesus. Maybe I’ll go Buddhist like Tina Turner, like the nuns, and then I can learn to just be in the universe and lose my prideful pain.

    If there’s nothing else, there are the seasons that govern all creatures, music that dances in our veins, senses beyond knowing. Or I’ll have to find some other way, between the parked cars and rainstorms and monthly bills, the blizzards in my heart, cyclones churning history around our ears until we fall down wailing—because that’s what animals do, in the heat and the storm, without reasons, without shelter; we cry out, we endure, and we suffer.

    “All This Talking About God” appears in Alicia Conroy’s Lives of Mapmakers (Carnegie-Mellon University Press).