Grab your rifle and head to the MOA

Last time I went to the Mall of America was about ten years ago. My sister was getting married. And my mother swore I would find a good deal on a rehearsal dinner dress at Nordstrom.

I parked on Level 26. Entered through a door that I would find out later looked like every single other one at the mighty mall. Walked a few miles through oodles of gadgets and clothing tables, burping electronic devices and at least three Disney stores. Then I found myself in what was then Camp Snoopy: roller coaster overhead, children screaming, lights flashing, and the smells of all those foods that aren’t really — hot dogs, cotton candy, synthetic nacho cheese — wafting through the air.

I fled, dress-less, and promised myself I would never go back.

Yet, here I am — not only going to the Mall but asking you to go as well. Because on Wednesday, September 19, winemaker Barbara Snider will be hosting a food and wine pairing dinner, featuring Fess Parker wines, at the Napa Valley Grille.

I’m not quite old enough to remember Fess Parker. But I hear he played some frontiersman, Davy Crockett or Daniel Boone — one of those guys who carried a long, mean gun and wore a dead animal atop his head — on 1950’s-era prime time TV. After several decades of wearing a coonskin cap, Parker was typecast. (Who’da thunk?) So in the ’80’s, tired of the acting gig, he took his Hollywood riches, bought some land in Santa Barbara, and opened a winery.

Against all odds [at least, if I were making the odds], Parker’s wines are terrific.

There’s Frontier Red, a big, happy beefsteak of a blend, made from a half dozen different kinds of grape. A Chardonnay that’s full and fruity and rich, not quite buttery but creamy smooth. And Parker Station Pinot Noir, a nicely structured cherry-forward wine that’s better than most in its price range.

Nothing but wine of this quality could make me brave the monstrous mall. But for dinner with Barbara, I’m willing. Meet me at Napa Valley Grille for a menu of onion toast with smoked trout, lamb lollipops, oysters, braised oxtail, octopus salad, corn cakes, and coffee ice cream sandwiches, served with four select Fess Parker wines. Tickets are only $55, and 10% of the proceeds will go to the Sow the Seeds fund, helping regional farmers who lost their crops due to flood.

For more information, call 952-858-9934.