The Monster Mash

It was the Paris Hilton-Stavros Niarchos breakup that did it. I’ve decided that since the average celebrity liaison lasts less time than it takes Britney Spears to endanger a baby, I’m in favor of assigning these jet-set hook-ups shorter, more easily memorable names.

The TomKats, Brangelinas, and Bennifers of the entertainment world become shorthand for even shorter commitments. David Spade and Heather Locklear came and went as an item before we could even agree what to call their unholy babe-elf union. I would have voted for Spocklear, but I didn’t know whom to contact.

Assigning concise monikers to celebrity couples would free up hours for me each day by cutting my bathroom reading in half. In the 60s, adulterous Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton were the reigning queen and king of showbiz tittle-tattle, known to all as “Liz and Dick.” But that was a more leisurely era. If they were scandalizing today’s go-go, short-attention-span world, I’d abbreviate them as Lick. A single, recognizable syllable radiating spicy overtones, perfect for efficient cocktail-party chatter. Plus, it would move more copies of supermarket magazines. I imagine some lucky staffer at Cosmo or the National Enquirer has the task of dubbing showbiz couples with kicky pet names. I would love that job: Appellation editor has got to be the most desirable post in the whole gossip industry. It would be like naming perfumes or hurricanes or heartburn medications. Doesn’t Prilosec sound like a ménage between Prince, Lindsay Lohan, and Ryan Seacrest?

What makes an A-list celebrity couple (other than blinding good looks and oodles of dough) is that everybody knows their name. The easier it is to remember, the more powerful their superstardom becomes. Conversely, lack of an instantly recognizable name is an embarrassing disadvantage. Imagine George Wendt expectantly strolling onto the Cheers set, all ready for a big welcome, and the cast saying, “Oh, hi, you.”

Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt never had a shared tabloid name during their marriage, and that lack of marketable brand identity probably contributed to their breakup. Ben Affleck and J-Lo had already staked their claim to Bennifer, so Brannifer would have been too close and confusing. By the time Affleck hitched up with Jennifer Garner, becoming Ben-Gar (which sounds like a Tokyo-stomping dinosaur played by a man in a green rubber suit), the damage was done. Beautiful lives were tragically torn asunder, entourages were disbanded, forests of newsprint were leveled—all for lack of a cool, fame-enhancing nickname.

Now the publicity-challenged Jen—Aniston, that is—is with Vince Vaughn, and the tabs have saddled them with the klunky tag Vaughniston. If she and Vince want to stay in the game, they need a name makeover—something with some zing and pep. A confident, assured new handle that dumps her old marital baggage and proclaims, “Forget those losers Brad and Angelina! I’m having a great time with my hot giant boyfriend whose eyebags totally give his face character and make him more desirable! I am not looking for household cleaning products to swallow!” A super with-it name that tells the world, “Vaughn and Jennifer got it goin’ on!”

I propose Va-Jenna. Clear. Self-explanatory. Salacious. I can feel the Pulitzer in my hands right now.

Once Va-Jenna makes its mark, Brad and Angelina will have to respond with a re-branding of their own. Brad faces a challenge here. You can’t use his last name because “Pitt” sounds like something dank that you fall into—or worse, deodorize. So it’s good that he’s with the melodious Angelina Jolie. With Va-Jenna shoved in their faces, their retaliation must be bold and direct. Something that decisively tops their rivals and re-establishes their cred as Sexiest Couple in All of Human History.

After careful consideration and hours of tricky word games worthy of The Da Vinci Code, I hit the pot of gold: Bagina. I need to get this trademarked right away. Can’t you see the headlines? “Bagina Desperate for Another Baby!” “Bagina Opens Up in Exclusive Barbara Walters Interview!” “Bagina Clamps Down on Pushy Paparazzi!” “Globetrotting Bagina Snubs Tinseltown!” “Bagina Gains Weight in Bid for Oscar Nomination!” “Bagina Discharged from Hospital!” “Bagina Heats Up the Screen in Mr. & Mrs. Smith 2!”

OK. I’ll stop.