They Shoot Maseratis Don't They?

So shoot me. (Images: Groovyman’s Guide 2007)

Elvis Presley had a thing for Italian sports cars (among other dangerous drugs). A certain urban legend holds that he once actually shot one of them when it failed to start.

The legend has been passed along that the low slung shot of pure adrenaline was a Maserati. It wasn’t. It was a Pantera, a strange Italo-American hybrid of a car that featured a body designed by Tom Tjaarda at Ghia with a 351 Cleveland engine and sold through Lincoln Mercury dealers in the early 70s. In other words, it was a bastard. An early 70s Maserati (say, a Ghibli) would have bitten Elvis back. And as I learned this weekend, the great Maseratis have not changed much over the years.

Una machina bellisima eh brutisimo. Ti amo. Totalmente.

If I learned anything from my 24 hour affair with a 2005 Maserati Quattroporte in special-order Ferrari blue it is that any rock star who has taken leave of his senses has no place in this car. This car requires all your wits. You may even need treatment once you hand over the keys. Because few four door sedans in the world right now deliver quite the same combination of speed, handling, luxury and pure madness like this car.

In my humble opinion the Quattroporte also negates what is currently the “world’s fastest” four door sedan, the Bentley Flying Spur . For one thing, this British car is actually a German car. Or, in other words, another bastard frequently driven by bastards (the business card scene of American Psycho comes to mind). Yeah, its fast and luxurious but its also well over five thousand pounds and basically a VW Phaeton cum Audi A8.

In spite of its deficits, the Flying Spur is still quite a car. It is not a Maserati, however, and never will be. The Flying Spur is an accomodating car designed by Germans with British flavoring and build. The Maserati is a car built in Northern Italy. The Modenese (home to the “sacred monster”) do things their way, not yours. That is why most people with the money to afford this car may fail to appreciate it.

“Automatica non mi piace. Ti amo la strada solamente.”

Its charms are mainly experienced after spending time with the owners manual and some trial and error at paddle shifting above 7100 RPMs with the accelerator floored (you will drive over 100 MPH to do this).* It also takes a certain knowledge of driving dynamics to fully test its nearly perfect 47/52 weight distribution. Because of this the car makes about the worst five minute test drive in recent memory.

For one thing, this car hates automatic. It will tolerate it but it constantly reminds you that driving can and should be more fun. It also sacrifices a few driver sight lines for sheer automotive sexiness. It even rings and dings too much as it calibrates a variety of racing-inspired computers before settling into drive (which you must depress the brake to engage, like many high-performance cars). Lastly, the sheer beauty of its Poltrona Frau leather covered seating and symetrically-grained wood on the dash and doors leaves you thinking twice about drinking and spilling a cup of coffee in the car.

In other words all the things that can spoil a quick test drive for the average impertinent investment banker, corporate stiff or corpulent rock star past his prime. And frankly, with the exception of Elvis, I hope it does.

Because some day I believe I will be reunited with The King. On that day, I will tell him that while some cars are worth shooting, others must be driven. That is why this car belongs in the hands of a real, commonist-fighting Road Rake.

On earth as it is in heaven.

Rock and Roll heaven.

Automotive Nirvana.

And on a parking lot in Plymouth, Minnesota at Sears Imported Autos.

(P.S. You can catch this car at the Prince Concert tonight (Saturday, July 7) as well in the parking lot of the Graves 601.)

* Only the lowly VW offers a sequential (paddle shifting) system that is comparable, albeit not matched to a 400 HP Ferrari engine and sublime Skyhook suspension. If you forget to click on the link here is a great on-the-road description:

“With simplified and strengthened internals, the Cambiocorsa is an altogether more durable gearbox than early sequential manual systems though hesitant reversing can still result in some toasty smalls emanating from the clutches. As well the safety factor of requiring two hands on the wheel for the majority of driving situations, Cambiocorsa is a whole lot of fun. Youll find yourself zipping up and down the gears just for the sake of it, relishing the engines delicious throttle blip as you knock the gearbox down a couple of cogs as you enter your favourite hairpin.”