Forget road rage. I love my car. It is my pod of sanity. A micro-community I control. Yes, I understand when I slide behind the wheel and I survey all that is out in the great beyond through my windshield that I have no control of what goes on out there. Traffic jams, crazy drivers, construction. These things are to be expected. Inside my car, the music is perfect. My seat is positioned exactly for me. The temperature, ideal. Driving in my car is often the only quiet time I get during the week. The problems start when I have to get out of my car to pilot a smaller vehicle through an obstacle course where there is no right of way. There are no rules. There are no state troopers keeping an eagle eye for wrongdoers. There is no limit on blood alcohol level, no rearview mirrors, and no brakes. This is the Thunderdome. I am speaking of course, about shopping carts.
Cart Rage. Anybody who’s ever plopped a feverish toddler into a seventy-pound metal cage with a sticky front wheel knows what I’m talking about. Trying desperately to maneuver through the fluorescent labyrinth of a warehouse grocery store, accumulating a week’s worth of groceries before the child in your cart is old enough to require braces. Personally, I prefer to shop with a screaming toddler. It turns my cart into something akin to an emergency vehicle. Like a siren, little Billy will alert fellow shoppers of my approach and let them know to pull off to the side. If you’re not careful, tempers can run short. In the interest of public safety, I have taken it upon myself to illustrate three troublesome cart drivers to watch out for.
1. The “Diva.” Miss Thing believes the grocery store and all its inhabitants were created just for her. You can identify the Diva driver by the way she leaves her cart unattended in the middle of the busiest thoroughfare, wandering off to contemplate the intricacies of fresh versus concentrate, effectively blocking both lanes of traffic until she has made up her precious, precious mind.
Strategy: The Movement. Whenever I spot an abandoned cart, no matter how many children, groceries or personal affects it has in it, I like to hunker down beside it and start singing protest songs at top volume. Usually, the Diva can’t get away fast enough.
2. The “Daredevil.” This is NASCAR style shopping. This guy carries no list, coupons, or meal plan, armed with only his wits and, unfortunately for you, a major weight advantage swinging blindly around a corner at thirty-five miles an hour.
Strategy: Reconnais-sance. Dispatch your spouse or a trustworthy child to precede you like a hurricane hunter to gather intelligence on activity in nearby produce sectors. If the Daredevil is barreling your way, remain calm. Do not try to outrun him. Get low and cover your head to protect yourself from flying canned goods. Shield yourself with a 12-pack of quilted toilet tissue if available.
3. The “Diner.” These shoppers usually mill around in foraging herds, particularly on sample day. As crafty as they are hungry, they create pockets of gridlock around any display of food that is not protected by a vacuum seal. Particularly dangerous around grapes and bulk peanuts, an unruly group of Diners can also form an arterial clog in the self-serve bakery aisle.
Strategy: Infiltration. Sneak into the throng’s outer perimeter while making chewing motions with your jaw. Turn to the person nearest you and whisper, “Say, did you have any of those lobster claw samples they’re handing out over on Aisle Six? Man, are they good or what?” Then move aside swiftly. Standing in the way of stampeding grocery-store moochers can be more dangerous than running with the bulls in Pamplona.
With this information, your next shopping expedition should go smoothly. And if somewhere in this article, you recognize yourself, so much the better. We can’t all stand in the express lane, but with a little effort, we can make it back to the safety of our cars before the ice cream melts.
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