When Loyalty Hurts

The most important decision most people will ever make is picking the person who owns the last face they see at night and the first face they see in the morning. My mother used to warn my sisters and me to avoid being “unevenly yoked” as we shopped for spouses. For me in particular, that meant “no white women.” She drilled into me that I had a duty to stay “within the race” so that decent black women like my sisters would have someone to marry. (I broke the rule.) My mother did not even worry about my sisters being in a white man’s romantic sights. Oh yes, she told us that white boys loved having sex with black women, and pointed to the many hues of black folk today as proof.

Ironically, she also said that if that day ever came when white men were willing to marry black women, she would view “brothers playing in the snow” a little bit differently. Well, Mama, the day has come, forcing a confrontation between racial loyalty and personal fulfillment.

According to the 2000 census, 20 percent more black women attend college than black men. A quarter of all black working women are in professional-managerial jobs, versus less than a fifth of black working men. A staggering three out of every ten black men are caught up in some part of the criminal justice system. Black men drop out of high school and abuse drugs at much higher rates than black women. And finally, black men date and marry interracially at higher rates than black women.

Now, these statistics are hardly a news flash. There are many reasons for these numbers. However, they present black women with what many see as a difficult choice. According to a recent Newsweek cover story, many black women have decided they are going to “hang with the brothers,” even if it means dating or even marrying men who are far less accomplished.

Unfortunately, many of these unions are doomed from the start. Sociologist Donna Franklin reports that highly educated black women have a higher divorce rate than other women. Franklin believes the fact that these women make more money and have better educational pedigrees than their husbands is a crucial destabilizing factor.

Instead of settling for a less accomplished partner, or railing against white women for “taking all the good ones,” more black women have decided that playing in the snow ain’t half bad. Between 1980 and 1998, the number of white men marrying black women increased 260 percent. Granted, these marriages still represent a small portion of all marriages, yet the trend is unmistakable.

More importantly, white men are beginning to actively pursue black women. When Adrian Brody went to claim his Best Actor Oscar last week, he grabbed presenter Halle Berry and gave her the mother of all smooches. The next day, one film critic remarked that Brody got to act out every man’s fantasy by lip-locking with Berry. Berry has become a desirable actress whose blackness enhances her appeal. I for one am glad to see white boys (and yellow and brown ones) drool over her.

No one should limit his or her romantic options out of some misplaced sense of racial loyalty. In the Newsweek piece, one black woman was quoted as saying, “We need to think about getting a man when he gets out of prison…you’re not going to find one out here because most of them are either in jail, gay, or taken.” Now, I do not believe that being incarcerated should automatically eliminate a man from the marriage pool. However, skin color alone does not nullify that portion of one’s resume, nor should it. Character really does count. And if a sister happens to find a white boy with character, commitment, ambition, drive, and connections, she should go for it.

Talk show host Star Jones agrees. “We have to look at all our options, and that means people of all colors.” In other words, black women should do what most women (and men, for that matter) have always done when it comes to matters of the heart—get the best person you can. The race will survive just fine.