Dear scantily clad women shivering
on 1st Avenue
at bar close, waiting for the cab the bartender called for you 45 minutes
ago,
Thanks to U.S. District Judge
James Rosenbaum, no longer will you have to wait to get home and get
your swerve on with that friendly soul who was so kind as to buy you
five vodka and Red Bulls. You see, prior to this decision to throw the lawsuit to block
the expansion of cab services in Minneapolis
out of court, Minneapolis desire to expand its taxi fleet was on hold,
still operating under an asinine cap system, holding the city to a preset
number of taxis. In October, 2006, the city decided to address the issue,
opening taxi service up for expansion. The Minneapolis Taxi Owners Coalition
quickly sued to block the expansion, fearing for their contract with
HBO for the next season of "Taxicab Confessions." Given how reliant other cities
are on cabs, this would seem to be a large-scale issue. In fact, last
year the city had only 343 cabs – not nearly enough to hold back the
rising tide of fumbling drunks determined to shirk the sacred responsibilities
of a lush, which include:
- paying for parking
- driving drunk
- causing a five car
pile up on 35W in an ill-advised, drunken attempt at road head
Due to Judge Rosenbaum’s
decision, taxi licenses will no longer cost would-be cabbies $25,000
and a night of "initiation"(generally involving livestock, nudity,
and unspeakable acts performed on the Mary Tyler Moore statue at 7th
and Nicollet). For the next two years, the cap will be raised by 45
licenses, and will be completely removed in 2010. The only restrictions
placed on the proliferation of these rolling drunk tanks being that
10 percent of the city’s cabs must be high efficiency or wheelchair
accessible vehicles.
Of course, the decision doesn’t
only bode well for the metro-area’s cleavage-baring and playa population.
The majority of cab companies in the Twin Cities are minority owned,
and one of the parties advocating blocking the lawsuit (and one of the
first in line for the $425 taxi licenses) is at least partly minority-owned
as well. And there’s certainly pent up demand, as evidenced by the
busy signals so often heard when calling any of the major cab companies
during bar close or afternoon rush hours. And visitors to our fair city
from larger metropolises will no longer be baffled by the futility of
using a cab for reliable transportation – an important key for tourist
revenues. The upcoming Republican Convention couldn’t possibly have
anything to do with the city’s decision to change the rules…could
it?
Regardless, take heart, skeezy
men and skanktastic women of First Avenue. Judge Rosenbaum has heard
your cries for clemency and has the city well on its way to providing
you with a chariot for all your debaucheristic needs. No more shall
you shiver in the cold waving frantically for a cab, the handkerchief
you wear as a top blowing in the chill wind as you teeter unsteadily
on stiletto heels completely unsuited for a night of equilibrium annihilating
drink. For Minneapolis and the U.S. Federal Courts have conquered the
diabolical Taxi Owner’s Coalition in the name of drunkards and inebriates
everywhere, and never shall you be forced to wait for a cab to experience
the disappointment of a fumbling drunken one-night stand again.
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