The Rake Magazine

Author: Chris Birt

  • Frank Lloyd Wrong, Part Due

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    The Ferarri 430. From a modern master.

    I have split this into two posts to help you recover from the shock of my headline. The hero-worship of Frank is so strong amongst my nascent readership that they asked me to break this into sections so as to dole out the criticism in little bites.

    So, as I was saying, I arrived in Buffalo late last Friday night and checked into one of the top five boutique hotels in America according to Zagat and CondeNast (no small feat). This hotel is called The Mansion, and I have rarely spent an evening in a building that lifted my spirits more.

    The late 1800-building is designed in the Second Empire style–thus high ceilings, perfect proportions, and ornate woodwork. This alone makes it special. What makes it peerless is the modern day interior design executed by some genius out of Atlanta. The icing on the cake is a staff of butlers that will iron your underwear at no charge, should you so choose.

    In short, the proportions are perfect–from the design of the space to the precision allocation of the service.

    Better yet, the mansion is a perfect place to spend a night before you take a tour of Buffalo’s significant buildings in the morning. Buffalo is a city still trading off its glory days 100 years ago but appears to be undergoing a small artistic resurgence. (I hear ArtSpace from Minneapolis is now buying in Buffalo.)

    This overlooked aspect of Buffalo, I reckon, tends to prevent numerous turn-of-the-century masterpieces from being torn down. I won’t go into all the buildings you can see in a morning, but they include Wright’s Darwin Martin and Graycliff homes that are boffo’ prairie pieces.

    I find both houses to be confining (as I have others). I am offended that he made his hallways small, forcing me into his “great rooms,” and that he made his ceilings only tall enough to accommodate his own shrimpy stature. In other words, the proportion of his spaces seems best suited to him (and not the other guy like me).

    OK, so Graycliff and other houses are interesting and probably worth being preserved, but not to the exclusion of overlooked masterpieces like the hotel I stayed in for one unforgettable night.

    I feel the same way when I take the wheel of a modern day masterpiece like the Maserati Quattroporte (Giguaro), the Ferrari 430 (Pinnifarina), or even the occasional Pantera (Tjdara) when it starts. While these cars may not be buildings, they remain masterpieces of proportion designed to please both the eye and the soul. (Check my author’s links for these designers.)

    While Frank Lloyd Wright was known for many things (including architecture), he was also soulless in his dealings with any human being besides himself. It stands to reason, therefore, that he might get some things wrong, while buildings like the Mansion and cars like Maserati will remain so very right.

  • Brenda To Buy "Ch-uh-man". (Any Day Now).

    (Posted by Brenda “BMW” Langton)

    OK. I MUST SAY CALLING AROUND TO CAR DEALERS AND SPEAKING WITH USED CAR SALESMEN IS NOT MY CUP OF TEA. So, after much reading online and Consumers Report on cars I have narrowed my search for my next used car.

    It has to be a luxury sedan that is all wheel drive and has a black interior…I can be flexible on the color of the car but I will not give in to ONE MORE ugly beige or light gray interior!! Honestly, could someone please figure out some sexy interior colors of cars for the love of GOD!!! It’s like everything else about cars has evolved except the beige and gray interiors.

    I have come down to three cars…the BMW 3 series, Infinity G35 or Audi. I ruled out the Audi, I’ve had too many problems with them in the past and it gets very bad ratings (new models are much better now), even though it is a beauty and performs well.

    The Infiniti G35 is too loud and has more muscle than I need. I feels like like more of a man’s car to me. The interior also lacks sex appeal and the brakes were super touchy. I found it odd, for example, that when I test drove it the salesman in the backseat alerted me to the brakes, perhaps he had some previous driver launch him into the front seat.

    Later in the night I drove the BMW which was lovely, it won hands down over the Infiniti. The interior was really snazzy, it had a very smooth and peppy ride and the brakes were a breeze–what a difference.

    Buying a used car of this caliber is the only way I can justify/afford this kind of luxury. And while it is commonly known that the the 2005 BMW 3 series received great reviews, it has been challenging to find one that is coming off lease. Till now, that is.

    That makes right now the right time to buy.

  • Frank Lloyd Wrong, Part Uno

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    The Duetto Spider. A lovely little effort from another master besides Frank

    I just returned from a trip to Buffalo, New York. For what it’s worth, if you are flying back from the East and granted the chance to be re-routed for points, speak up immediately and say, “I would love to get routed through Buffalo, New York.”

    Suddenly, you could be perceived as a saint by fellow yuppies who are weighing the merits of a stopover in another perceived hell like Detroit (which is actually a real hell compared to this overlooked architectural paradise I am about to describe).

    You may also come face to face with something many never will–that modern American architecture neither begins nor ends with Frank Lloyd Wright, and that in many cases this graphic designer (the one area in which he is peerless) actually got it wrong.

    How do I know this?

    a) I study proportion as design exercise every day.

    b) I have learned from Giorgetto Giguaro, Batista Pinnifarina and Tom Tjdara, who teach us that proportion is essential to the design of all things. (Use my links if you want to meet the dudes.)

    c) Frank frequently got proportion wrong in his work, leaving people with the desire to bolt from his buildings.

  • Bourne. Better. But Not Yet Best?

    So I was in the process of putting together a must do list for you. I was telling you the cars you want and the cars you don’t want for a reasonable price.* Then something happened.

    I was, like, just told that the car chase in the new Bourne movie outdoes the old one. I have blogged in the past about the best car chase scenes in movie history. This “list” is commonly accepted and not open to discussion (its not my list, it is the pronouncement of the zeitgeist which in this case is fixed and immovable.)

    Matt Damon-GLA-000010.jpg
    (Looks like Matt ain’t sure neither)

    I have not seen this movie but I am going to make an assumption (that I may regret) and it is this. I am going to assume that the new car chase is better than the last Bourne car chase but that it still not of the caliber of the top 4 (give or take) of all time. That would be, of course, Bullitt, French Connection, Ronin and a French movie called “The Chase.”

    I am also told that the fight scene in this movie is peerless.

    Better than the fight scenes in Raging Bull, I ask?

    This is the trouble with people today. Since the passing of Pauline Kael, we have no luminaries to light the path to understanding– whether that the best punch in the face or hit to the happy pedal. Only in the movies that is. In real life, we have Maseratis. Including one at Sears that remains unsold.

    (SPACE HERE. HAPPY FACES TO BREAK UP PAGE. WHEN I FIND THEM)

    *Allright here is that highly shortened list. And forget what you don’t want. You already know don’t want a Pontiac G6 or Chevy Cobalt.

    You want the Chrysler SRT-Series cars you in all price ranges except for the Crossfire. You will also want to modify your ride (and it is inexpensively done) You want no other Chryslers except the 300 Series.
    You want the Honda Fit
    You want the Mazdaspeed cars in all price ranges.
    You want the Kia Spectra in 5-door, too.
    And you even want the Suzuki Aerio.

  • The Millenial Mind

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    The first generation Scion XB, a rebel yell from Toyota (of all places)

    A few weeks ago I attended a conference in Las Vegas. Among other things, this put me in direct spiritual contact with The King. While I have never actually been a fan of Elvis Presley, my re-acquaintance with this icon got me thinking about several things. First and foremost, it made me think about what it means to rebel.

    I’ll spare you another diatribe peppered with strategies for fighting commonism. Rebellion, however, is something that is key to understanding a lot of things in the world right now: it can help you understand people; it can help you understand politics (which I rebelliously assert is a discussion that should only take place with a politician); and it can very much help you understand cars.

    Particularly those at the top of the millenial mind. (Not exactly my point but a useful link still.)

    I am talking about a segment of our population right now that is highly influential in setting trends. I discovered at my Las Vegas conference that the term for this generation is “millenials.” The term loosely applies to people in their 20s, who, historically speaking, have always been ones to rebel. In the 1950s, that meant Elvis. In the 1960s, it meant more. In the 1970s, 80s, and 90s, it meant less. And in the present, it means MySpace, YouTube, and cars like the Honda Element (sorta) and the Scion XB (for sure).

    Let’s talk first about the Honda. On the surface this seems like the poster car for millenials. It’s cool; it washes out with a hose; and it looks weird to anyone over 40. Almost — except for that last part. The Honda is purchased mainly by people between 35 and 50. Yep, middle-aged people dig this car a lot more than the millenials, and I think I know why.

    The Honda is cool, but not exactly rebellious. The design hangs together in a way that offers no real edge. It works for folks who may have the will, but don’t really desire a way to rebel.

    The Scion XB is a different story. It purposely juts right into your face. It is boxy to the extreme. Its current ad campaign invites you to hate it. And I believe, although I cannot prove just yet, that it will retain its crown as The King of The Road for millenials.

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    Smart title from a stupid stoner band.

    It is a car that even Elvis would drive, or Lil’Kim (with some dubs and kit), Radiohead, or anyone else of the true millenial mind.

    You may have noticed from my list of artists here — all over 30 and now out of jail — that the classification has far less to do with a specific age and more to do with two special beliefs:

    1. That the uncommon is superior, always, to the common.

    2. And that sometimes you have to fight to make it so.

  • You're Gonna Have To Serve Somebody

    Tonight I have a cold.

    While this may be true, it is equally true that far too many blogs begin with precisely such banalities. Fortunately, while I do have a cold, I also spent half the evening talking to people who subscribe, yes subscribe, to The Rake.

    So while I still have a cold (just coughed all over my Cinema Monitor here, my mucus forming like glittering stars over the screen), these good people warmed my heart.

    And why?

    Because they could talk about stuff that was uncommon.

    The only time the conversation got a little off track was when one woman asked me why she had not been able to locate the Maserati at Sears that I blogged about last month. She also asked me if I worked for the dealership. While I can’t answer for the cars tonight, I can speak quite clearly, cold and all, about whose service I am in. I told her, with pride, that I am in the service of no one but the King.

    I am not sure what I meant, but it sounded uncommonly cool.

  • Grocery Getters That Go

    There is a term they bounce around the suburbs called “Grocery Getter.” This usually refers to the egregious waste of fuel smallish women (primarily) expend on driving large SUVs to the grocery store.

    But not all women drive monster trucks to market. Some actually drive sensible vehicles to far better places like the Organic Farmer’s Market on Saturday mornings in Minneapolis. You may consider it fighting commonism before brunch. In fact, why not have Alex Hoag–Mill City Market “driver” so to speak–explain just how cool this place is. (With husband Chuck to add some context.)

    Finally, allow me to share three vehicles that will make the drive to and from this market even better:

    1) A nice little BMW X3

    2) A more robust Mercedes R-350

    3) The Mercedes E-class wagon. In AMG trim this is the the world’s fastest grocery getter. Eats tires for lunch, too.

    4&5) I am also very high on the latest Mazda CX-series particularly the CX-7 in a nice shade of really, really dark black.) And I’ve blogged about the 3-Series (in Mazdaspeed trim only), which is an innovative smaller car with room enough to store, if not quite swallow, a weeks worth of produce (organic food is usually smaller in size.)

  • Why We Fight (Every Day Of The Week)

    I came up with a rule, of sorts, that I would refrain from talking about cars on Sunday. But heh, I am also a modernist (at times) and modernists don’t follow every rule (even their own).

    Modernism (and schmodernism) aside, here’s another way of looking at it. What’s a man to do when he spots a Maserati GranSport in the parking lot of a shopping mall? Well then you just have to break your own rules and bring it to your readers.

    I trust you will agree.*

    FILM NOTES: One of only two Maserati GT Gransports in Minneapolis (I keep calling it a Ferrari).


    BONUS FILM NOTES:     Fifteen minutes later, I came across this equally cool ride — a WS-6 Firebird candied up to 405 RWHP. The owner was a Ranger recently returned from Afghanistan. Here is the car:


    BONUS FILM NOTES:     And in this short take, the owner of the Pontiac describes how Porsche drivers are easily emasculated. He also touches on the difference between (this link is a little generous) flywheel and rear wheel horsepower–important to note when you hear a Porsche owner start waxing about his/her wheels. I also answer to one of my own friends on this score at the end of this take–he keeps bugging me to sell one of my cars–a slightly candied up 2003 Mustang Cobra.

    (* Not that it matters, but I also went a house of worship today. I notice that Garrison K.– fountain of morals — likes to tell us that he goes to church, old-testament-style, too. Good for you, red shoe.)

  • Car Talk (of the Uncommon Kind)

    Here’s something for all you folks reading the Saturday paper (and getting really mad that there is nothing of substance to read) or perhaps streaming that silly show “Car Talk” online.

    I say silly in a good way. The two guys are a hoot. However I think they discuss really boring cars for the most part. The Road Rake will bring you car talk that is far less common. Which brings me, once again, to the French.

    As I said before, I attended Bastille Day at J. Leune a few weeks back. Once the world catches up to “instant journalism” I would have filed these videos more quickly. And yet, perhaps, French cars are the kind of thing that require patience and understanding. With this mind, let me file, as time permits, some of the interesting things I “raked up” during the Citroen Car Show across the street.

    FILM NOTES: This first video is narrated by the Treasurer of The Citroen Car Club of Minnesota. He describes a car light years ahead of its time–the Citroen Traction Avant.



    FILM NOTES: The back seat of the Traction Avant. This video does not adequately capture the spaciousness (better yet, capaciousness) of this interior. It really was the first station wagon of sorts. Unibody construction too–unheard of in the 1930s–today everyone does it.

    FILM NOTES: The engine bay of the the Citroen Maserati (the most complicated car of the 70s). This is narrated by a few people and the sound quality is not good. While its a little like watching paint dry, once you understand what you are looking at, and realize the Italians and French tried to do this, you begin to understand madness*

    * Focault was a controversial yet brilliant guy. Not mad, mind you, just uncommon.

  • French Cars. Still Foreign To Me.

    Buon Giorno mi amici. Oggi ti vuol parlare come’ la macchina franchese.

    No mi piace la macchina franchese. La macchina franchese non e’ bella. La machina franchese look like the froggie. OK, OK, I am just proving that not all things are foreign to me. I can speak a little Italian (accent on little and bad), and a little Japanese, and I can even say “hello” in Objiwe. Still, some things will always remain a little foreign to me.

    Like French cars.

    And frankly, because the French are the French, they could care less what I think. (C’est magnifique!) I have always admired their balls for producing cars that remain years ahead of their time, yet something remains so terribly odd about their vehicles.

    Of course, odd — a la Oscar Wilde, Truman Capote, Bill Gates and countless other odd fellows and females in history — is good. Yet to me, when talking about French cars, still foreign.

    In the spirit of full disclosure my dispeptic mood may just stem from the affront I received from the driver of a Citroen CV2 (it may be back, see here) waiting to pull out of the parking lot.

    (He, like, pee-sez me off, and here is what I had to say.)