The Rake Magazine

Author: Rich Goldsmith

  • Finding Beauty in Politics

    On Tuesday, the 29th of July, the votes will be tallied
    and the people will have spoken, singling out the King and Queen of Minnesota
    politics and bringing an end to the heated debate over who is truly the most
    beautiful at the Capitol    .

    And while the answer to this question that burns with the
    fire of a thousand orange juice soaked cold sores will be posted here for all
    to see, there’s another option for those who want to be the first to know. The
    Rake is holding a party at The Liffey starting at 5 p.m. Tuesday night,
    complete with the all-important drink specials, where the winners will be crowned
    with proper pomp and circumstance.

    More details can be found here.

  • Leavin' on a Jet Plane

    Even misanthropic political bloggers need vacations. So while the battle for the title of King and Queen of MN politics rages, I’ll be taking the Soul Plane to Europe for two weeks to enjoy Mediterranean breezes and purchase the bones of a saint and other religious artifacts. We’ll resume our regular cynical ramblings with antisocial undertones on Wednesday, July 23!

  • The 2008 Most Beautiful People at the Capitol Awards

    Photos by Denis Jeong

    Nearly two months ago, we embarked on a quest unprecedented in the history of Minnesota politics. Our pursuit — nay — our calling from a higher being, was to seek out the most beautiful, spectacular, and otherwise hot people who labor at the Capitol — in obscurity or otherwise. The response was overwhelming, with hundreds of comments and e-mails singling out the stunning men and women who turn the wheels of legislation.

    Of course, there were roadblocks, not least of which was the MN House of Representatives, according to several reports, "suggesting" that House members not participate in the contest in any way and a persistent error message popping up when House members tried to access the site. But through the ingenuity, perseverance, and profoundly inappropriate suggestions of outfits for winners to wear to their photo shoots by The Rake‘s editorial staff, we found a way to bring you, our readers the unbelievably sexy hotdish that is the 2008 Most Beautiful People at the Capitol awards.

    And because our readers made this possible, it’s up to you to pick the King and Queen of Minnesota politics. Take a moment to decide which one man and one woman in the photos below gives you that odd tingly feeling — whose smoldering stare leaps forth from the electronic page to make you shift uncomfortably in your seat. Once you’ve wiped the sweat from your brow, post a comment below to tell us your choices. We’ll be throwing a coronation party later this summer to announce the Alpha and Omega of Minnesotan political beauty and allowing you to marvel at their glory and majesty. A memory to treasure for a lifetime, to be sure.

    The Five Most Beautiful Women at the Capitol

    (Click images for full size.)

    LauraLaura Blubaugh
    Age: 26

    Hometown: Elmhurst, IL

    Party Affiliation: DFL

    One of the most stunning administrators in the history of the Senate Health, Housing, and Family Security Committee, Blubaugh arrived for her photo shoot intent on posing with a handwritten sign calling for universal healthcare. After some discussion, however, it was decided that the focus should be on her fabulously toned legs, rather than a controversial policy platform.

    Lest ye think she’s a simple policy wonk blessed from on high by a happy genetic accident, Blubaugh attacks her pastimes with the same zealotry she does equal access to healthcare for all. After work hours, she’s more often than not risking the aforementioned spectacular limbs boating through local white water in a kayak. And after emerging from the river like an adrenaline-fueled Aphrodite fresh from the foam, she finds time to take in plenty of live music, going out two or three times a week to take in anything from Greg Brown to Sigur Ros.

    RachelRachel Hicks

    Age: 23

    Hometown: Brooklyn Park, MN

    Party Affiliation: DFL

    Rachel Hicks, legislative assistant for Sen. Patricia Torres Ray, looks nothing like a former rugby player. She does, however, have the drive to advocate for immigration rights and feels an intense responsibility to help do something positive for the immigrant community. In the meantime, she does the rest of the metro area a favor by moonlighting as a beer tub girl on salsa nights at the Loring Pasta Bar.

    When not ministering to her adoringly thirsty congregation at the Loring, Hicks is an avid traveler — already making her mark on every continent save Antarctica and living in Argentina for a time. Through it all, she has stayed close to her family, especially, in a Skywalker-esque twist, her twin sister — whom she keeps close to her heart with a tattoo of a double helix DNA strand on her lower back. In fact, in high school at the ISEF-International Science and Engineering Fair, the twins took second place in the heated competition with an entry titled "Twins Two, It Takes Two: Phase Two".

    MelissaMelissa Reed

    Age: 29

    Hometown: Minneapolis

    Party Affiliation: Impressively non-partisan

    Leave it to the City of Minneapolis to employ a stunning, scooter-riding, world-traveling brunette with spectacular taste in liquor as a lobbyist.

    Melissa Reed, the stunning, scooter-riding, world-traveling brunette with spectacular taste in liquor in question, is uniquely qualified to argue for her hometown. She grew up on Lake Harriet and went gallivanting across the globe — from Italy to Morocco. She even lived in New Orleans as a civics, law and world history teacher for Teach for America only to return home as one of Minneapolis’ biggest boosters. And along the way she’s picked up that special something that turns heads in every room, despite being directed to dress like a proverbial nun for her photo shoot.

    Outside of her efforts at the Capitol to get the funding, programs and respect Minneapolis so richly deserves despite its reputation for hedonism and occasional depravity, Reed develops women’s health curriculum for religious organizations through a non-profit group and raises money to bring disadvantaged New Orleans kids to Minneapolis for seminars on political activism every year. That she accomplishes all this while engaged in a Sisyphean quest for the ultimate bacon cheeseburger and keeping her household well-stocked with high-end Scotch makes her all the more impressive.

    ReginaRegina Garza

    Age: 26

    Hometown: Roanoke, VA

    Political Affiliation: DFL

    Handpicked by former Sen. Jane Ranum to join her staff while working in D.C. as an advocate for labor and immigrant rights, the petite lady in red was brought here by the seductive, yet deceptive, song of Minnesota summers — learning too late that the rumors she heard about the state’s other seasons are all too true. She keeps herself warm by serving as Sen. Mee Moua’s Judiciary committee administrator, keeping a watchful eye on public safety and the courts while working unofficially on immigration policy initiatives for the senator.

    A self-described public policy wonk and political animal by nature, Garza still finds time to get away from the grasping tendrils of the legislative arena. Having met her fiancé, a competitive ballroom dancer, while salsa dancing, she continues to learn in the hopes of one day joining him in competition. She is also living proof of the Capitol’s effects on the mental state of all who work there – her tenuous grip on sanity causing her to run the Boston Marathon and planning to follow it up with the Twin Cities Marathon as well. But her drive and passion, combined with that little bit of crazy, makes for a striking package.

    MaryMary Lahammer

    Age: 34

    Hometown: St. Louis Park

    Political Affiliation: "None whatsoever"

    TPT’s politics reporter, program host and documentarian extraordinaire is generally known for her impartiality and political acumen, but there’s an extremely vocal subset of her audience watching for the disarming combination of her nigh-angelic good looks and choice of footwear that brings most mortal men to their knees. And despite being one of the most recognizable political journalists in the state, her career in public television has taken her far afield of the Capitol as well — from a pastoral week for a documentary on Isle Royal to a 17-course meal with Fidel Castro and Jesse Ventura.

    From her honeyed-blonde hair to her white leather high-heeled boots, Lahammer isn’t one to do things by halves — living an intense life away from Saint Paul’s hallowed legislative grounds as well. A recent foray into cliff-jumping in the Boundary Waters is only the latest example of her fervent desire to live what most would call an exhausting lifestyle. Training for the Olympic marathon trials and hauling 1,000 rolls of sod for an extreme landscaping project with her husband, who shared a 12 mile run with Lahammer on their first date, is seen as the norm in Minnesota’s first family of political journalism.

    And to make sure the next generation is prepared to take up arms for the cause, Lahammer’s daughter’s first words were, "More Capitol news mommy, please."

    The Five Most Beautiful Men at the Capitol

    (Click images for full size.)

    JuddJudd Schetnan
    Age: 35

    Hometown: Fergus Falls, MN

    Party Affiliation: "I work for the governor"

    Arguments about transit within the hallowed halls of the Capitol often get ugly, but the Met Council’s transit czar, Judd Schetnan, looks damn good after helping deliver a solid session for transit, despite threatened funding cuts for the Central Corridor — not to mention an angry GOP core out for blood after an overridden gubernatorial veto. And it’s obvious the Met Council’s transit lobbyist understands the heavy responsibility that comes with his runner’s physique, deep tan and somewhat roguish charm — looking to help lawmakers find ways to fit public transportation into an already strapped budget to help the entire state live up to its potential.

    Of course, now that the hard fought session is over, Schetnan is enjoying a well-deserved break. He spends as much time as possible lately with his wife and two sons, not to mention trips to his cabin just south of his hometown, as well as his boat on the St. Croix to work on deepening his tan – all the better to woo lawmakers in ’09 when the budget forecast is even more dismal than it was this year.

    NickNick Busse

    Age: 26

    Hometown: Jordan, MN
    Party Affiliation: decidedly non-partisan

    Busse, despite his obvious charm and good looks, was less than thrilled upon being the first nominee for this singular honor. However, after realizing the damage was already done, he decided to indulge his co-workers and allow himself to be enshrined as one of the hottest men to ever write for the Session Daily and Weekly.

    And despite this break to recognize his contributions to beautifying Saint Paul, this University of Minnesota graduate’s veins pulse in tune with the ebb and flow of legislation — even proposing to his wife at the Capitol. But let it not be said that Busse’s beauty is one-dimensional — when not furiously reporting on House activities, he runs Saintpaulitan.com, a blog devoted to showcasing the finer side of Saint Paul, and the occasional squirrel, to all those who fear to tread where legislators dwell.

    PeterPeter Brickwedde
    Age: 24

    Hometown: Minneapolis
    Party Affiliation: DFL

    As one of the men who keeps the State and Local Government Operations and Oversight committee functioning smoothly, one might imagine Sen. Ann Rest’s legislative assistant would be drunk on the heady nectar that is political power. However, this undeniably dreamy veteran of the Minnesota Senate is well-grounded, saying he’s working in one of the greatest environments he could ask for and demonstrating his modesty by downplaying the hordes of salivating colleagues who demanded his rightful place on the list of the state’s finest.

    When not wandering the halls of the Capitol, Brickwedde is a sports fanatic, contributing his journeyman labors to the Senate softball team and honing his already impressive Hebrew physique by playing tennis regularly. And when "The Brick" isn’t in action, he’s often enjoying some well-earned down time watching the Vikings, Twins, Wild, or sumo wrestling on "The Ocho."

    RonRon Latz

    Age: 44

    Hometown: Golden Valley, MN

    Political Affiliation: DFL

    The lone legislator in this roundup, Sen. Latz cuts a striking figure posing in the retail and housing complex he helped build at Excelsior and Grand as a St. Louis Park city councilmember. His work in the legislature is no less striking — having played a pivotal role this session in the 35W bridge collapse victim compensation bill. The majority whip from Senate District 44 has served in the MN Senate since 2006 and for four years before that in the MN House.

    The senator also maintains a thriving criminal and employment law practice and spends as much time as possible with his family, traveling from soccer game to soccer game watching his kids and waking up before dawn to maintain the what are, according to one anonymous commenter, the "impressive shoulders and steely jaw that draw jealous stares from his GOP colleagues."

    But Sen. Latz isn’t simply a masculine figure for St. Louis Park, Hopkins and Golden Valley housewives to gaze upon with barely disguised desire. He also indulges his artistic side by indulging his inner Von Trapp with his family — singing and playing piano with his wife and kids.

    Dave
    Dave Gillette

    Age: 30

    Hometown: Minnetrista, MN

    Political Affiliation: Card carrying member of the press

    The avant-garde creator of a whole new form of video-based illustrated political commentary, Gillette uses his massive drawing muscles for incisive critique while wooing his public with boyish charm and well-developed forearms that would make Olive Oyl swoon in lustful abandon. An avid spectator of politics, Dave combined his passion for illustration with a college-born near-obsession with video documentation that was further fueled by a comedy show he helped create for Channel 45.

    When not offering views sketched out in ink, Gillette is an avid outdoorsman, having just returned from a week in the Boundary Waters. He also just bought a home, allowing hopeful viewers a stable location to maintain their watchful vigil on the artistically tousled commentator.

  • Will Minnesota Go Beyond Thunderdome?

    Today marks the beginning of a new dark age for Minnesota. It is a time
    of injustice. A time in which brother turns on brother and LOLcats replace
    poetry and prose as the high art of the day. 
    Should the scales not be balanced in short order, the post-industrial
    wasteland depicted in the upcoming remake of Death Race may replace our bucolic
    Midwestern paradise.
     

    I speak, of course, of the pending cuts to the state’s
    public safety budget that took effect today. To make the fuzzy math of state
    government budgets work, nearly $5 million was trimmed from the district courts
    and public defense board. When you’re looking at the looming specter of a $1
    billion deficit, this seems like peanuts. A torrid night with Tara Reid would
    cost more, and at first glance, the long term
    ramifications     seem far more dire. However, these cuts translate into a nightmarish
    reality that is far more frightening than even the desiccated visage of Cyndi Brucato,
    who, like Lord Voldemort, must feed nightly on the blood of unicorns and
    virgins to maintain her horrific
    unlife    .

    I speak, of course, of the already overworked and understaffed
    courts. The average public defender currently operates under a caseload of
    between 70 and 130 cases. The budget cuts that went into effect today bring
    with them a reduction of 72 more positions – all attorneys. These cuts come as
    a combination of attrition and layoffs, some of which have already happened. And
    increasing the caseload further does not bode well for Minnesota’s justice system.

    Of course, the average Minnesotan might not believe these
    cuts will have any effect on their life. Content to continue on in their
    prosaic daily routine, these citizens are blithely unaware of the danger this
    situation poses. Most law-abiding people assume that, as long as they violate
    no statutes laid down by the duly elected authorities and follow the directions
    of the friendly Taser-wielding officers of the law, the pending failure of our
    courts of law will have no bearing on them. They are sadly mistaken.

    Not only will court dates take significantly longer to come
    by, since public defenders’ will be stretched to their limits, but the quality
    of representation will likely fall almost as fast as Verne Troyer’s romantic
    appeal upon his "partner’s" comment that he’s "…hung
    like a 2’8" man"    . And because the accused will have less than ideal
    representation, many offenders who are actually guilty of the crimes they’re
    accused of will walk free on appeal, or as a result of mistrials, or any other
    of a multitude of procedural problems. To say nothing of the ongoing pain of
    victims’ just looking for justice and closure.

    The ongoing need for closure, increased rate of convictions
    overturned on appeal and longer wait for criminals to go behind bars as their day
    in court gets pushed farther and farther out will create a culture of lawlessness.
    Vigilante bands desperate for justice will roam the mean streets of Minneapolis and Saint
    Paul. The recent trend toward smaller, more fuel
    efficient cars will suddenly be reversed as bulletproof glass, steel plate and
    30 millimeter chainguns become the automotive accessories of choice. The
    highways will be battlefields as commuters jockey for position, desperate to
    make it to secured parking lots before scavengers claim their vehicles for
    scrap.

    On the other hand, many will save ridiculous amounts of
    money by telecommuting – thus conserving gas and ammunition for weekly supply
    runs to Walmart.

  • Fantasy Gone Wrong

    Generally, "ations" are regarded as good things.
    Propagation, masturbation, fornication, copulation, lubrication – all
    activities mankind finds to be worthy efforts. However words containing this
    benevolent suffix are have recently been besmirched by the smear campaign being
    waged against one of their brethren. And with oil prices rising like Dirk Diggler’s imposing
    lightsaber    , the war against speculation threatens to
    drag some of America’s
    favorite pastimes down with it as casualties of this crusade.

    WCCO’s "Good
    Question" segment     last night focused on the popular theory that speculators
    are responsible in large part for driving up the price of oil for downtrodden
    consumers everywhere. This has become a widely cited theory – its populist
    appeal a draw to many feeling the squeeze of higher gas prices. In essence,
    this theory lays blame for the high prices of oil squarely at the feet of the
    moneyed few – speculators being players in the futures markets who bet that the
    price of oil (or other commodities) will rise by buying up supplies via the
    market and selling them for a profit when the price rises.

     

    A short-term bubble caused by this rampant speculation is,
    of course, a much more appealing theory than a long term price spike fueled by
    basic supply and demand economics. The problem, however, is that most economists
    seem to agree that while speculators could be responsible for a small portion
    of the recent price hikes, but the majority is a strict question of bread and
    butter demand pressuring supplies like never before and tossing some serious
    consumer salad along the way.

    Sadly, the speculator theory, in addition to dragging fellow "ations" through the effluent sewage and
    bile of global economics, is serving as a rallying cry for those advocating for
    new
    offshore oil drilling and opening other public lands     to oil companies. The
    argument being that oil companies, being as fast acting as a Viagra and Red
    Bull cocktail, will start traipsing through newly opened oil fields like
    woodland fairies hell-bent on drinking morning dew off wildflowers and devouring the souls of
    newborn kittens – quickly tapping oil reserves and thus driving prices down by
    making speculation less lucrative due to increased supply.

    However, that assumption only holds water if speculators are
    truly the wealthy despots enthusiastically buggering the gas-consuming public
    every time they turn around to unscrew the gas cap. And while they are indeed
    taking swims in Scrooge McDuck style money bins, they’re merely responding to
    market forces – not creating them. And while statistical evidence of this is
    often hard to come by, there are indicators.

    One such indicator is how long the price run up has been
    occurring. Oil prices have gone from $26/barrel to the current $137/barrel in
    the last seven years. And while correlation does not necessarily equal
    causation, reduced oil output from Iraq due to Middle Eastern adventurism
    combined with a nearly 100 percent increase in demand for oil from developing
    countries like China over the last seven years would seem to be a likely cause,
    especially when global output, unlike the Cousin It looking mother
    fuckers     in My Morning Jacket, just ain’t getting any higher. And since it
    takes a hell of a lot of resources to create a capitalist economy out of General Tso’s chicken and corrupt
    Communist party officials, the demand will only rise.

    In fact, according to the Energy
    Information Administration    , worldwide energy use is going to continue
    rising – 50 percent overall in the next 25 years, 85 percent in developing
    countries. What’s worse, these estimates are based on numbers a year old, prior
    to the recent run up in prices. Plus, with developments like India’s Tata
    Motors’ $2,000
    Nano    , more people than ever will have access to cars – spiking demand even higher.
    And not sexy Top Gun style
    spiking    . We’re talking Minneapolis Park & Recreation volleyball, with
    beer bellies flying as former college athletes attempt to relive their once
    glorious past.

    In addition to pure demand, our own low interest rates,
    designed to stimulate economic activity and spur the economy to avoid
    recession, are a source of high gas prices. Low interest rates depress the
    value of the dollar, making it more expensive to buy oil on global markets.

    The government is, unsurprisingly, talking about stepping in
    to regulate commodities markets. However, the proposed regulations would likely
    do little to push fuel prices down – especially since oil speculation is a
    global market. And they could even have a depressing effect on the U.S. economy as
    a source of tax dollars dries up.

    There is a bright side, however. Transit use in metropolitan
    areas is up 15 percent. People are suddenly conscious of how much they drive
    and this crisis is starting to make people look again at living in the cities
    where they work, fueling a minor resurgence in home sales in some urban areas.
    This reduced demand will, eventually, depress prices, but hoping that
    speculators are the root cause of this decidedly painful gas bubble is akin to
    believing Olivia
    Munn     will fall for your geeky charm and closet full of Han Solo costumes.
    But then, if you’ve convinced yourself of that, you’re probably used to
    disappointment    . And luckily, all those other "ation" words haven’t bee ruined for you.
    Except maybe masturbation.

  • Happy Fun Friday: Catharsis Edition

    Sometimes catharsis doesn’t come easily.

    While Obama and McCain supporters moved on to the general
    election long ago, poll after poll right here in Minnesota shows a Democratic
    party still mightily divided. Whether it’s DFLers undercutting Al Franken with
    comedy routines past, or voters threatening to stay home during the general
    election, the damage to the democratic process continues apace. And if you look
    further afield, the stark reality is that there are Americans considering
    bowing out of the democratic process, primarily due to the hate and vitriol
    aimed at the opposition during the nominating process. Essentially, they did
    indeed smell what The Rock was cookin’, never mind that in this case The Rock
    stood to gain a great deal by shifting the blame for the travesty that was Be Cool
    and, like any political figure, shapes the truth to fit the circumstances.

    Unfortunately, with much of the country moving on, there
    hasn’t been time for anything resembling a catharsis. No mighty Yawp to clear
    the air. No scream, silent or otherwise, to purify the system and soul. Until
    now. Thanks to Chilean actor/comedian Felipe Avello, Hillary Clinton’s
    supporters can purge the bile from their systems and reengage in the body
    politic as Avello’s "La Pequena Hillary Clinton" says exactly what’s on their
    minds.

    And now, with that metaphorical primal scream out of
    the way, Democrats everywhere can join hands and work harder than ever to make
    the Tijuana-born dream of man-donkey
    marriage     a reality.

  • Oil Wrestling

    With consumers on the receiving end of an 87-octane enema
    for the last few months, it’s understandable that various politicians would be
    spewing forth bile-filled diatribes laying blame for the current situation
    squarely at the feet of the opposition. Democrats are accused of being so
    "unmoved by the plight of hard-working Americans, they are unwilling to do
    anything to alleviate the pain." Republicans, of course, are "in the pockets of
    oil companies" and just trying to help their cronies reap a windfall at the
    expense of honest, god-fearing, patriotic, SUV-driving Americans who want
    nothing more than to be left alone to mourn for the loss of American
    primacy in the penis wars    .

    Yesterday our Fearless Leader called for Congress to allow drilling
    in coastal waters     that oil companies are currently barred from exploring.
    To oil companies, America is like the girlfriend who considers the back door
    off-limits. To the callous and crass frat boys of our petroleum producers, any
    hole that may offer a payoff is one worth exploring – thus setting the stage
    for the battle
    between reduced gas prices and social benefits like stable ecosystems and
    unpolluted water.

    Of course, that’s a false dichotomy.

    Given that there are 68 million acres of land that are, as
    of yet, unexplored and undeveloped by oil companies despite those lands being
    opened for drilling in within the last seven years, it’s unlikely any oil would
    be pumped in from offshore rigs within the next decade. Not to mention the
    simple fact that the 2 million barrels of oil a day potentially drawn from
    those reserves would be the proverbial drop in the bucket by the time the crude
    starts a’flowin’. Bottom line – you’d be more likely to improve your economic
    position by filming your
    girlfriend playing Wii Fit in her underoos     and parlaying that into a TRL appearance
    than by encouraging oil companies to go spelunking in coastal waters.

    So ignoring the fact that Americans would be offering up
    their most pristine and unspoiled areas of wilderness in return for Jack and
    shit, in the end it’s not a choice between reducing gas prices and preserving
    the environment. It’s a question of wasting resources while we desperately
    grasp at a dying way of life. Even though we would prefer the approach taken by
    Luke Skywalker, fervently
    denying the truth as told by Lord Vader    , when James Earl Jones speaks the
    cold hard facts, we must listen. And the truth is, there is more economic
    benefit to be found in dedicating the money oil companies might spend to
    alternative power research, whether in cellulose biofuels, allowing food to be
    produced for eating, not fuel, renewable sources like solar or wind power, or
    cold fusion – thus
    providing us with the damn flying cars     we were promised oh so many years
    ago.

    And since Minnesota leads in cellulose ethanol
    research and has a thriving wind-power industry, this approach would allow us
    to offer a big "fuck you" to the gulf states, several of which suck down tax dollars like a
    crack-starved Tyrone
    Biggums    . And if there’s anything a Republican respects, it’s self-sufficiency.

  • Keeping the Peace Means Communication and a Warm Taser

    While terrorists plotting to obliterate the Xcel Center in a
    fertilizer-scented blast of hellfire would seem to be the larger cause for
    concern among the various agencies responsible for security around the RNC, the
    Department of Homeland Security, in conjunction with Texas Security Threat
    Group officers, the California Department of Corrections and the Sacramento
    Intelligence unit, is bringing its "A" game. In other words, it’s examining all
    threats, no matter how unlikely.

    Saint Paul’s
    own plans
    for dealing with malcontents, such as corralling protesters in bamboo cages, a
    strategy code-named "The John McCain experience," are already well known. But
    even as Ramsey County invests
    in tasers     and autonomous independently targeting turrets, they can likely
    find other useful tools by digging in the Department of Homeland security’s
    arsenal. In fact, at a recent counterterrorism conference, a book of
    slang terms     (PDF), coined by a variety of street gangs, white supremacist
    groups, a variety of ethnicities, and, strangely enough, the judiciary, was
    circulated to help officers of the peace better understand those who would do
    harm to their innocent charges.

    While the primary threat to the RNC remains terrorism and
    unwashed hippies swaying in unison during group sit-ins and marches, the possibility
    of the Latin Kings, Mandingo Warriors, or Minnesota Court of Appeals judges
    growing militantly political and staging an assault on the Xcel can’t be
    discounted. And, failing that, it’s unlikely the various gangs have forgotten
    how much money they once made in the mid-80s selling various powders to rabidly
    capitalistic Republicans frothing at the mouth for junk bonds and snorting coke
    off Jennifer Beals’ taut buttocks.

    This bible of colloquialisms, ripe with
    charming observations about the nature of feminism, social commentary and keen insight on the seven habits of highly effective prison bitches,
    will act as security forces’ guardo camino, enabling them to protect the
    right-leaning stalwart souls come from all four corners of our great country to
    assemble and safely rejoice in a
    decision that was made half a year ago    .

    We at the Defenestrator, however, want to ensure all can
    identify the malcontents in the crowd sure to lay siege
    to the House that Norm Coleman Built.
    Empowering the citizenry with such insider knowledge will help ensure our
    safety and deter the criminals who will surely seek to disrupt this shining
    example of the democratic process. While the full list of terms is linked
    above, examples of terms you may hear from the hardened criminals in the
    streets and our judicial system are listed below.

    • BEEF STEAK…..(Rap)…..Refers
      to the penis.
    • NINJA TURTLES…..(Prison)…..A
      team of Officers dressed in riot gear in preparation to quell a riot, or
      to conduct a forced removal of an offender. The term is derived from
      the fact that the Officers resemble the Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtle
      (Cartoon Characters) in this gear.
    • BEES
      KNEE’s      …..(Latin Kings)…..An extraordinary person, thing, idea, The
      ultimate
    • BOOYAH…..(Street)…..Word
      used to simulate the report of a shotgun
    • CHARGE OF THE GODDESS…..(Occult)…..Originally
      written by Doreen Valiente, the charge gives the story of the message of
      the Goddess and her children. The High Priestess often recites the charge
      at the full moon Esbat.
    • HORSE FEATHERS…..(Latin
      Kings)…..A term for nonsense; lies (Same as applesauce, banana oil)

    So what have we learned from this sampling of the
    nomenclature of America’s
    most dire threats to peace and order? We’ve learned that:

    • criminals
      have an appreciation for early 90s action figures,
    • Wiccans
      are a danger to national security,
    • judging
      by their slang, the Latin Kings are a roving band of malicious octogenarians,
    • and the
      Department of Homeland Security, in conjunction with Texas Security Threat
      Group officers, the California Department of Corrections and the
      Sacramento Intelligence unit, could’ve saved a great deal of money by
      skipping this exercise altogether and making use of Urban Dictionary.

    Of course, if you have favorites I didn’t mention here, take
    a look in
    the book     and mention them in the comments below.

  • The Well-Lubricated Fall of the Middle Class

    All praise be to the cyclopean gods of old for finally
    bringing the nigh interminable local and national Democratic nomination process
    to a close. For while sentences involving Andy
    Rooney, sodomy and bestiality    , not to mention flag
    lapel pins     and innuendo involving sniper fire,
    roll comfortably off the tongue of B-grade actors on late-night Cinemax, they
    do not serve as a substitute for effective political discourse.

    As a result, now that the maddening cacophony of berserk
    liberals has gone silent, however briefly, we must rush to place weightier
    issues on the table of public discourse. for not even the ancient eldritch
    power of the elder beings from out of time and space, combined with the cosmic
    might of Allah and Yahweh, will be able to hush the yowling
    dissonance     that will ensue once the battle for the nation’s
    soul     between Republican and Democrat begins in earnest.

    Donkey shows
    aside, the upcoming elections come at a time when a veritable shit-strewn minefield
    of problems is facing America’s
    middle class. To be clear, these problems do not include:

    • Middle
      Eastern terrorists come to spread plague, rape our women and blow up
      landmarks while screaming the Xena battle cry to
      the heavens.
    • Godless
      foreigners come to spread plague, rape our women and steal our jobs whilst
      inflicting gastrointestinal discomfort on us all by introducing new foods
      to the American palate.
    • Compact
      fluorescent light bulbs       come to spread plague, rape our women, and
      poison our children with trace amounts of mercury.
    • Homosexuals
      seeking same sex marriages come to spread plague, rape our men and trigger
      the long-feared rash of man/horse romantic entanglements.

    What these problems do include is rising food costs,
    skyrocketing energy prices, tightening credit markets, miniscule raises, and
    falling home values, all adding up to an increasingly brutal struggle to stay afloat. In
    fact, between the first quarter of 2000 and the first quarter of 2008, after
    adjusting for inflation, wages for the middle class have essentially stagnated — increasing only .6 percent. And since the start of this year, wages have
    actually fallen behind inflation. Of course, that should come as no surprise –
    drivers throughout the country have found themselves spread-eagled at the pump,
    caught in the caustic grip of high-octane fossil fuels and whispering "I wish I
    could quit you" whilst sadly caressing the pump handle.

    So has this to do with the upcoming election? Everything, of
    course. America’s
    strong middle class is constantly cited as the primary reason for our country’s
    profoundly powerful and stable economy. They are the yellow sun to the United States’
    Superman. The Astro Glide to the country’s Jenna Jameson. The Blackwater to its
    Iraq
    security policy. Unfortunately for the middle class, most members of that
    demographic lack super strength, do not get to aid in the profligate banging of
    porn stars, and don’t possess the fully automatic weapons necessary to enforce
    real change. And with the illusory gains of the last few years almost
    completely wiped away, America’s
    middle class is under threat of extinction.

    On the campaign trail, our candidates for the Senate, the
    Oval Office, and every other elected office in the land put forth ideas for
    healthcare reform, bringing the troops home and winning the War on Terror.
    However, in their desperate hunt for sound bites and applause lines they’re
    missing the true scope of the problem. The economy has grown dramatically for the
    last six years, but that growth has largely left everyone but the wealthy
    behind. As a result, the middle class is becoming an even more narrow slice of
    the population, a trend that has accelerated and become ever more visible since
    the housing bubble burst. And as that slice shrinks, the country loses ground
    to its global competition.

    This lost ground means fewer students can afford college,
    thereby limiting the qualified workforce in the country. Our buying power
    suffers, forcing other countries to replace us with more valuable trading
    partners. Crime rates rise and neighborhoods become blighted toothless
    creatures, with boarded-up gaping wounds where families once dwelled and
    half-staved children roving through Longfellow, Kenwood and Linden Hills like a
    biblical swarm of feral locusts devouring all in sight and ruling their new Lord of
    the Flies kingdom     with brutal efficiency.

    So while Democrats cheer on a message of change and Republicans
    bask in McCain’s Zen-like balance of maverick reputation and stay-the-course
    policy, neither side offers a full-blown strategy for heading off the impending
    class wars. And if this problem isn’t addressed, the rise of micro-nations
    within once peaceful neighborhoods will only be the beginning. The Chinese, no
    longer content with their near-monopoly on American lunch buffets, will buy up
    real estate at fire sale prices, satisfying the Communist nation’s long-held
    fascination with robot superweapons by collaborating with the Japanese to use
    the newly acquired land as a testing ground for an army of giant robot
    pandas    . If this horrific future comes to pass, not only will America become
    a former superpower, but no one’s lucky bamboo will be safe from the
    predations of these nuclear-powered Socialist creatures
    of mass destruction    .

  • Public Servants by Day, Dead Sexy by Night

    While the Forbes recent “The
    20 Hottest Royals in the World    ” list serves only as a dire warning of the
    horrific effects of inbreeding, now that the polls have closed on Minnesota’s
    first annual “Most Beautiful People at the Capitol” awards it’s safe to say
    that the state’s residents can rest easy in the knowledge that they have some
    fine minds, and incredible bodies, watching over them. Even now, whilst
    apocalyptic hail and thunder rains around them, The Rake’s finely trained staff
    is culling through the hundreds of nominations searching for the ten people at
    the state’s Capitol who leave a trail of arrhythmia and thoughts of special
    sessions in their wake.

    Once chosen, these happy few will participate in a photo
    shoot to be featured here when the list is announced in mid-June. Once the list
    is up, Rake readers will have the opportunity to relive their high school glory
    days and vote for their choice of King and Queen of the Ball – singling out one
    man and one woman as the hottest politico of them all. The results will then be
    announced with much fanfare amid a shower of rainbows and vestal virgins
    astride unicorns. These newly crowned titans of Minnesota’s political world
    will surely then use their powers for naught but good – balancing budgets and
    righting wrongs whilst running through the corridors of government in a Baywatch-style slow-motion
    montage    .

    So watch this space to learn for yourself who has what
    it takes – be it Peter Brickwedde, Laura Brod, or any of the 91 other nominees
    colleagues, friends and assorted admirers submitted!