Whores, Hags, and Meth Mouth

At the Minnesota State Fair, the food gets all the hype. Cram something edible onto a stick and it will get front page coverage. That’s good and all, but the main attraction to the fair is the people themselves. It’s not just a cross section of America; it is everything from the sewer to the penthouse. Take a seat anywhere at the fair – a curb, a bench, a stool in a beer garden – and watch a parade of whores, hags, fatties, skinnies, greasers, wankers, wonks, red necks, and cake eaters. Here are a few scenes from my recent fair experience:

-An obese man, wearing what looked like a bed sheet with a hole cut in it for his head, drove one of those invalid go-carts down the middle of the street. A giant fried onion blossom was resting in the basket attached to the front. Every couple of feet he would stop the cart, peel off a layer, and then inhale the piece with one suck.

-A woman who had a face like Nick Nolte walked by me wearing a T-shirt with the words "Sugar and Spice" on it. Those two whimsical words were crossed out and the words "Gun Powder and Lead" were written over it.

-In the Swine Barn, an entire row of monstrous pigs was waiting to be fed. Their empty food pans were laid out in front of their respective cages and the pigs were literally foaming at the mouth. Then the pigs let out a series of horror show squealing sounds. My son turned white with fear and whimpered, "It smells like dirty pig in here."

-Up by Machinery Hill, a woman with an ashtray face had used so much hair spray that her bangs and crown had been molded to form a shiny black globe resembling Darth Vader’s helmet.

-Two punkers walked past the bombastic entrance to the Midway. The dude had so many piercing in his face he looked like "Hell Raiser." The woman wore leather short shorts with fishnet stockings underneath. A pack of party boys fresh from Lake Minnetonka watched them walk past. "What the fuck was that?" one of them said in horror. "I wish I knew," replied another.

-Outside of Axels food stand, a man in a Vikings jersey bit into a hash brown-on-a-stick and looked gob smacked. He slowly chewed the potato, sour cream, chives, and bacon combo balls and let out an orgasmic moan.

-Chris Mars, former drummer of the Replacements and now a world renowned artist, stood patiently at a fair-sponsored Park and Ride bus stop near the U. Two rad looking skate boarders did sidewalk ollies behind him, making the whole scene look like a commercial for the State Fair’s new "Come to the Fair. It’s not just for Farmers!" campaign.

-I was standing in the middle of street and going to town on an ear of fresh roasted corn. Butter was smeared across my face and my eyes were closed with concentration. I only eat corn once a year and it’s always at the State Fair. People like me who have spastic colons really shouldn’t be eating food that is considered to have "scraping qualities." Corn kernels were stuck in every crack of my teeth, giving me the appearance of yellow Meth Mouth. My sister looked over and said, "You really should never let people see you eat corn. Ever."