The Rake Magazine

Category: Blog Post

  • Stribbers Await Monday Meeting

    Just to give you an idea of the anxiety hanging over their weekend, Star Tribune employees left the building Friday hoping for the best, but expecting the worst from announcements scheduled for 3 pm Monday, (tomorrow).

    Operating as per usual with little to no information, rumors were that new owners Avista Capital Partners, via their hirelings, editor Nancy Barnes and/or publisher Par Ridder, would reveal their need for new staff reductions, beyond those taken in the voluntary buy-outs of late February.

    The most repeated rumor — rumor, I say — had Avista requiring 60 positions out of the newsroom and 200 company-wide. As draconian as that sounds, many other similar-sized papers have seen as much in recent weeks, as owners slash staff well ahead of revenue declines in order to assure investor profits through the near-term.

    A second rumor had Avista fattening up the previous standard buy-out offer of two weeks for every year served up to a maximum of 40, up to a maximum of 52, with maybe some lingering medical benefits.

    It is not known if Mr. Ridder will take the buy-out offer.

  • Second Round Playoff Previews

    With Houston and Utah still to be decided by a 7th game, my predictive powers on first-round series stands at 6-1, with the Golden State upset the lone blemish (and if you read what I wrote, I knew the Warriors would give the Mavs plenty of problems). In the East, I even had the number of games right, except for calling the Bulls in 5 or 6 over the Heat rather than the four game sweep.

    But enough smug preening. Today’s genius is tomorrow’s fool, as I may well be about to demonstrate with the following picks.

    Detroit (1) vs. Chicago (5)
    Without slighting the epic Suns-Spurs series, this is the second-round matchup that intrigues me the most, in part because my take seems so much at odds with conventional wisdom. Specificially, how are the Bulls not the faster, deeper, and perhaps even more talented team here?

    The marquee personal duel is between small forwards Tayshaun Prince and Luol Deng, and without question it’s a dandy. Prince ranks with Bruce Bowen and Shane Battier as the best on-ball defenders in the game today, while Deng is quickening into a star right before our eyes over the past year. At the other end, Prince may be the Pistons’ second-best offensive option to Chauncey Billups when the game is on the line, but will have difficulty with Deng, who is no slouch on D and is one of the few players with a comparably enormous wingspan.

    It’s hard to imagine both Prince and Deng not coming up big–there’ll be no dominance either way here. By contrast, the most volatile matchup may be at the shooting guard spot, between Rip Hamilton and Ben Gordon. Both are deadly jump-shooters, of course, but until recently you’d have to give Hamilton the decided edge, both because of the four-inch height differential (6-7 to 6-3) and for the fact that Rip has a nonstop motor and Gordon has generally been, shall we say, inconsistent with his effort on the defensive end. Like many of the Bulls, Gordon has stepped up all facets of his game in recent weeks, however, and is shooting with a sublime confidence that will spell danger for Detroit if Hamilton can’t dissuade it early. It is vital for Detroit’s prospects that Hamilton school Gordon at the other end, drawing fouls on either Gordon or Ben Wallace with his penetration while mixing in those mid-range jumpers Pistons coach Flip Saunders is so adept at choreographing.

    Okay, once you get past Prince and Hamilton, where is the Pistons’ team speed? Billups is built like a tank and will occasionally be unstoppable when his long-range jumper is flowing, but Kirk Hinrich is a worthy foil, physical enough not to get manhandled the way Billups abuses most opposing points, and a smart, tenacious defender who will frustrate Billups’ ball distribution and force him into taking tough shots. At the other end, if Hinrich regains the shooting touch that abandoned him in the Heat series (one of the precious few things that went wrong for Chicago), then the Pistons are in trouble.

    Move on to center and power forward. In the pivot, Ben Wallace and Chris Webber are an apples and oranges tandem; I’d call it a big edge for the Bulls. I understand how Webber has florished under Saunders, but unless Hamilton and Prince are gulping rebounds, the Pistons better be shooting lights out, because Webber isn’t grabbing many over Big Ben and PJ Brown will box out Rasheed Wallace all day long. I imagine Saunders’ plan will be to spot up Webber for midrange jumpers at the elbow and off pick and rolls, while positioning ‘Sheed for treys in the corner and outside the key–the Bulls will either have to bring Ben Wallace and PJ out to guard them, play zone, rotate frequently, or concede the open looks. I think Scott Skiles will have Wallace contest Webber because he’s quick enough to recover, and wait and see if ‘Sheed can hit long-range. If he does, Skiles can go to Nocioni on ‘Sheed, provided Nocioni’s plantar troubles are manageable.
    With a fundamental horse like Brown and a persistent, clandestine-fouling gadfly like Nocioni on him, how long do you think it will be before ‘Sheed pops his cork? Throw in having to joust for boards with Big Ben, and ‘Sheed ability to play within himself becomes a problematic dilemma for Detroit.

    But the biggest reason why I think the Bulls will win this series is their superior depth. Commentators like to talk about Detroit’s front-line squadron, but only Antonio McDyess is a quality reserve. Dale Davis is old and slow, a bad matchup versus the Bulls, and Saunders lacks confidence in Nazr Mohammad. It bears noting that aside from McDyess, no bench player got more than 50 minutes in the four games versus Orlando; why would Saunders willingly give his scrubs more burn against the Bulls?

    Meanwhile, Chicago has the numbers to run and gun and wear down the older Piston starters. Not only are Deng, Hinrich, Nocioni, Gordon and Ben Wallace all comfortable in an up-and-down game, but bench guys Chris Duhon, Thabo Sefolosha and Tyrus Thomas likewise thrive in uptempo settings. Even at the bottom of the Bulls bench you’ve got defensive specialist Adrian Griffin with a ton of playoff experience, and serviceable backup center Malik Allen.

    Unless Hamilton decisively wins his matchup with Gordon, and/or ‘Sheed and Webber are converting bushels of open jumpers, I think the Bulls will steadily put down the throttle and wear the Pistons away. Chicago in 5 or 6.

    Cleveland (2) vs. New Jersey (6)
    The two first-round series I watched the least were Cleveland-Washington and Toronto-New Jersey, so the take here will be necessarily fuzzy. Nevertheless, this series seems to be a referendum on the intelligence of the Cavs generally and LeBron James in particular. About the only way the Nets win is if they entice the Cavs into a track meet that maximizes the talent of their glorious open court stars Jason Kidd, Vince Carter, and Richard Jefferson. A super athlete like LeBron is going to be sorely tempted to take the bait; ditto Larry Hughes and perhaps even Drew Gooden and, off the bench, Donyell Marshall.

    Here’s why that’s idiotic: Who on the Nets can guard Z Ilgauskas in paint? Who can box out Gooden? Jason Collins, Mikki Moore and Josh Boone is what New Jersey has in response. Z and Gooden both shot 60 percent or better from the field against Washington. Working patiently in half-court sets and getting feeds from LeBron and Hughes in half-court penetration, they should do it again against New Jersey. Meanwhile, Toronto’s point guards went crazy on offense against Kidd and company–why shouldn’t Hughes be able to do the same? And we haven’t even talked about Lebron getting his 35, even just working in the flow of the offense.

    The Nets’ Jason Kidd averaged a triple-double in the six games against the Raptors, but you can expect both Larry Hughes and Aleksander Pavlovic to deter him more than TJ Ford and Jose Calderon, with Eric Snow needing to provide 10-12 minutes of quality coverage too. How many games New Jersey wins will depend on whether Carter goes crazy for a game or two, whether Cleveland stupidly decides to run with the Nets, and whether Z and Gooden collectively pull one of their occasional no-shows in the low block. Playing smart, the Cavs have the power to put this away in five. I’ll fudge it a little and say Cleveland in 5 or 6.

    Phoenix (2) vs. San Antonio (3)
    This is the heavyweight match, with the winner immediately stamped as the favorite to become the next NBA champion. What was most impressive about Phoenix’s 5-game blitz of the Lakers was its defensive prowess, and it’s true that in Raja Bell and Shawn Marion, the Suns have a pair of rugged, versatile components to throw at opposing offenses. As the epitome of the new uptempo small-ball style, they not only have the best floor general for it in Steve Nash, but have the most evolved defense when executing a full-bore transition game on offense.

    But as Dallas discovered to their chagrin in the first round, even potentially great teams run into clubs who just happen to match up in a manner that exposes their weaknesses, and the Spurs certainly qualify as the Suns’ nemesis. For one thing, as they proved against Denver, San Antonio recovers to defend transition better than anyone in the league–not only do they scamper back four or five strong, but they’re already communicating how to defend switches and other proactive gambits to disrupt penetration, ball movement and open shots. Most clubs are in scramble mode versus Phoenix’s fast break; far more often than any other team, the Spurs are playing chess with it.

    Secondly, the Spurs offense is vastly underrated, and reminiscent of those similarly underrated Houston Rockets championship teams of the 90s, the first club to fully utilize the inside-outside aspects of the three-point threat. To really make it go, you need a multi-talented big man capable of an almost automatic basket whenever he’s not double-teamed, yet with enough instinct and court vision to dish to cutters and three-point shooters–Houston had Hakeem, the Spurs have Duncan. You also need not just one or even two but a group of players who can nail the trey from various points on the floor. Houston had Cassell and Kenny Smith and Robert Horry, and the Spurs have Michael Finley and Bruce Bowen and Manu Ginobili and Brent Barry and, not incidentally, Robert Horry. For the icing on the cake, San Antonio also has two of the best penetrators in the game in Tony Parker and Ginobili, the perfect combo to draw fouls and otherwise burn opponents who are flying around trying to defend both Duncan down low and all those bombadiers outside: Next thing they know, Parker and Ginobili and blowing past them. Raja Bell will be an enormous boon to preventing some of this, and Leandro Barbosa and Marion are both lightning quick, but it won’t be enough to handle Duncan down low and still choke off the outside bombs.

    As good as San Antonio is, of course, Phoenix is far from helpless. Nash still can’t defend anyone worth a damn (Barbosa needs to play plenty on Parker), but when he’s in rhythm, it really is the greatest offensive show in basketball today. Nash is no Nowitzki–when it matters most, he’ll be a factor. Barbosa is the fastest player in the NBA. Stoudamire may be the fastest center. Marion is a superb finisher who plays four inches taller than his actual 6-7. Bell abets his shut-down D with a deadly three-point shot. The wild card? Boris Diaw, who has generously yielded much of last year’s mojo to Amare in the Suns’ grand scheme of things, but who needs to get himself more involved both in doubling Duncan and in burying the midrange jumper with the alacrity he showed in the 2006 playoffs.

    If the Suns play their A game, this will be a phenomenal series, as good as last year’s Spurs-Mavs classic, that will go 7 games and could swing either way. I think San Antonio will compel Phoenix to play their A- game, with the result being the Spurs in 6.

  • Strib Bloodletting Begins Anew. Ridder Still Secure as Publisher.

    Thursday afternoon at the Star Tribune saw the paper’s four metro columnists, Doug Grow, Nick Coleman, Katherine Kersten and Cheryl “CJ” Johnson called in to separate meetings with editors Nancy Barnes and Scott Gillespie and told, in so many words, that the paper was looking to scale back the number of columnists and would any of them care to raise their hands and volunteer for reassignment to the paper’s suddenly thin — and getting thinner — ranks of street-level reporters?

    There were, as far as I can tell, no immediate takers. Later it was learned that quasi-metro columnist, James Lileks, was also given the same message.

    This sort of scale-back/down-sizing/gutting has been anticipated ever since the new owners, Avista Capital Partners took over and after the round of voluntary buy-outs that clipped 24 positions from the payroll two months ago. Widespread assumption in the Strib newsroom is that fewer columnists will soon be matched with fewer theater critics, fewer film critics and perhaps — all though this is very hard to imagine — fewer sports reporters. (Veteran NBA reporter, Steve Aschburner, has already left the paper.)

    Meanwhile, newly-arrived publisher, Par Ridder, the target of a much-publicized lawsuit accusing him essentially of industrial espionage, remains secure in his position.

  • Fox 9 News: Protecting Its Advertisers from Its Reporters

    Every profession has its unwritten rules, among those in journalism, and/or the “news business” if you will, is the rule that says the sales end of the operation, be it a newspaper or TV station, never sticks its nose into the reporting end. (Actually, that may be written in some places.)

    Another is that as a news person whose job involves asking people uncomfortable questions, when on the rare occasion you yourself are asked a question by some other journalist you deal with it yourself. It’s part professional courtesy and part common sense. Request anonymity if you must. Go off-record. Say, “no comment”. But do it yourself. What you don’t do is use the always suspicion-arousing corporate dodge of handing it off to a gate-keeping minion in the PR department.

    It appears that KMSP/Fox 9 News’ news director, Bill Dallman, has blown by these quaint conventions and embraced a new journalistic orthodoxy.

    The story begins a little over a week ago when veteran reporter Tom Lyden volunteered to run down a tip about someone who bought a car from a small Richfield car lot, Car Hop, only to be pulled over by the cops a few days later for driving a stolen vehicle. As Lyden checked it out it became clear that the problem rested with a paperwork screw up at the state level and the car dealer was blameless. But it was still an interesting little story, so Lyden assembled the piece for a report on that night’s Fox 9 news hour.

    So far, so mundane. But then, about 90 minutes before the piece was to air, Lyden got a call from his boss, Mr. Dallman, asking whether there was any way to keep Car Hop’s name out of the story. Car Hop it turns out is a KMSP advertiser. Never mind that Lyden’s reporting would show Car Hop to be blameless in the episode.

    Lyden resisted. The piece ran. Car Hop was mentioned. And the next morning Dallman addressed his staff, telling them that from now on he wanted a heads up any time one of their stories involved a station advertiser. According to those there that morning Dallman also mentioned that if the station lost advertising as a result of a story his job could be on the line. The clear inference to that order being that someone ELSE’S job would be on the line before his.

    Needless to say, that little speech became a “talker” around KMSP. Especially since, as it became clear, the advertiser in question … never even called to express concern with the story. Dallman apparently was free-lancing advertiser protection … from his own reporters.

    Now THAT is what I call servicing an account.

    After calling Car Hop, where the manager insisted he never talked to anyone from KMSP other than Lyden, and never registered any complaint, I left a message for Dallman. An hour or two later I got a call from a young woman in KMSP’s “media department”. (Wait, isn’t the whole building a “media department”?)

    She asked what my interest was in talking to Mr. Dallman? My “interest” I explained, was in asking Mr. Dallman a few questions about the episode. She then explained that I would have to ask those questions of her instead, or at least first. At that point I realized the story had just fattened up a bit. A news director for a TV newsroom full of news reporters was having a PR department throw up flack? (Did I mention he is in the “news” business?) I told the young lady that although I have never met or previously spoken with Mr. Dallman, (he took the job a little over a year ago), I was assuming he was a big boy and could probably answer questions for himself, without the PR department’s protection/interference.

    She reiterated that I would have to ask the questions of her first, because, “That’s the way we do things.”

    I left it at Dallman could call me if he wanted to talk, otherwise I’d put him down as a “no comment”.

    Dallman didn’t call back.

    The young woman expressed some confusion over why anyone would have any interest in a story like this? To which I explained that if nothing else the detail of an automobile advertiser’s involvement in sales-to-news management carries unique resonance in the Twin Cities. She claimed not to understand what I was talking about.

    Along with unwritten rules, there is the open secret that no newsroom, print or electronic ever treads on the automobile industry. Not on models, manufacturers or dealers. Not unless the story has grown so huge it has created a national-sized buffer, like the tires exploding on Ford Explorers a few years back. Never mind that automobiles are the second-largest purchase the average news-consuming family ever makes. The fact that local car dealers are so absolutely vital to every newspaper and TV station’s bottom line means you almost never read or see investigative stories about the industry, and the “news” holes in the car sections are filled only with lavish praise for the fabulous redesign of the latest hot model.

    WCCO-TV, the last news operation that (very) briefly employed a spokeswoman for its news director, remembers both the infamous Silvia Gambardella consumer report of the early ’90s where she almost off-handedly reported the savings possible by buying used rental cars, a comment that resulted in a firestorm of protest from local dealers that soon found her gone from ‘CCO, and more recently, car advertisers pulling a rumored $1 million in ads over a Don Shelby, “In the Know” comment.

    Point being, car advertisers know they have weight to throw around, and they throw it. But … back to KMSP … tiny Car Hop isn’t exactly Denny Hecker, and … they didn’t even complain! They thought Lyden’s piece was fair.

    The stonewall thrown up by KMSP’s “media department” prompted a rare moment of investigative journalism on my part, which turned up this little gem, from very early in Dallman’s term at KMSP. By 2006 I think everyone in the country knew you don’t run Video News Releases (VNRs) — essentially feature length commercials produced by specific businesses, in this case a little organization known as General Motors — without at least disclosing the source. But, what do I know? I’m old school about this stuff.

  • Closing out the First Round

    The way you folks have been keeping the comments coming despite my inactivity (I’m still tied up on something and this will be a quick hit) has been superb and deserves many kudos. I’ll have something up on the second-round playoff games, hopefully before they start, but if I don’t, the bottom line is Bulls over Pistons, Spurs over Suns, Cavs over Nets and Jazz/Rockets over Warriors.

    Some thoughts about last night…
    The emergence of AK-47 and the ongoing disappearance of Yao makes the Houston-Utah Game 7 a real tossup despite the Rockets home court advantage. Folks who have read me for years know I’ve been a Yao disliker (you can’t really hate on the big galoot) from the start, mostly because he’s been so enthusiastically overrated. This year, Yao raised his game a notch and I began to buy into a piece of the hype. No more. When the largest player in the entire league can’t keep 6-9 (at most) Carlos Boozer from scoring in the paint, that is a glaring deficiency. Yao is 9 inches taller than Boozer. If you’re six feet, imagine defending against someone 5-3 in the paint. And the thing that supposedly represents Yao’s upside–that he makes his teammates better–certainly hasn’t shown itself in this series. It seems like T-Mac against the world out there, and while I give Chuck Hayes a pass as a glue guy who isn’t supposed to step up, Shane Battier, Yao and Rafer Alston, plus Juwan Howard, have a lot of explaining to do if Houston blows this series.

    On the other side, Sloan’s troops have to be feeling pretty good about things. Their two underachievers, Mehmet and Kirilenko, both seem to have their groove back and Boozer is in another zone entirely (who matches up with him if the Jazz get to Golden State?). Deron Williams hasn’t even had the kind of breakout series I thought would be an absolute necessity for Utah to have a chance and it is still 3-3. The blame for that falls to Yao and he’s got one game to atone. Meanwhile, if the Rockets advance to GS, expect Houston to play 4 on 5 much of the time in transition.

    On to Golden State dispatching the Mavs. I’d love to defend Dirk Nowitzki, if only in transferral for all the unfair things said about Garnett in previous playoffs, but the comparison is apples and oranges. Nowitzki did not help his team in any way shape or form last night: 8 points and 2 assists? As bad as the 2 makes look, the 13 attempts, especially alligned with the 2 dimes, shows that he simply was not a factor on the offensive end. And, ah, nobody on the Mavs was a factor on D.

    How badly did the Mavs get whupped? Well, did you expect Golden State to own the boards, 52-38? How about a 67-win team facing elimination shooting 34 percent through the first three periods (the blown out 4th quarter, when they shot 8-16, doesn’t count)? Baron Davis was huge, no denying that, but does this team win without Stephen Jackson and Matt Barnes going off the way they did at least 2 or 3 times apiece in this series. And what about the job Biedrins did both cleaning the class and making himself available on cuts to the hoop?

    I’ve said this before, but the biggest fallacy heading into this series, and the one we should have all realized more thoroughly, is that Dallas is not an up-and-down team. The fact that everybody said they were helped them believe it, and enabled Nelson and the Warriors to suck them into exactly the type of game that went against the strengths. They force-fed Golden State’s confidence and the collective explosion that ensued was as glorious as it will be fleeting. Seriously, does everyone expect Baron Davis to keep this up versus either the Rockets or the Jazz? Are we going to keep watching Matt Barnes go 16-11-7 while playing tenacious defense? Is Stephen Jackson going to keep his shit together being guarded by Kirilenko or Battier? Golden State should be praying for a Houston win this weekend, because they match up with the Rockets a lot better than they do the Jazz. How long can this magic carpet ride last? Hopefully enough for another series as fun as this last one, although that is asking for too much.

    Back to Nowitzki: Isn’t it time to start naming the MVP after the playoffs are over? Seriously, who doesn’t realize that that how a player performs in the post-season is the biggest factor in determining their value? How silly is it to deny that variable in the voting? Sure, it will penalize fabulous players on non-playoff teams and provide enormous weight to playoff performance. Anyone have a problem with that?

    It isn’t just Nowitzki who should be keeping his shades drawn for the next six months or so. Jason Terry was shown to be a second-rate third banana this series, and deserves a hefty fine for pile-driving Baron Davis in front of the Warriors bench in Game 5–tell me Stephen Jackson isn’t suspended for a month is he does the same thing. Devon Harris was the classic guy unsuccessfully trying to be a leader. Avery Johnson was outcoached the entire series. And Mark Cuban should have paid Don Nelson the 6 million dollars he owed him.

  • Conversations Real and Imagined: Save Yourself!

    spidey1.gif

    Spider-Man 3, 2007. Directed by Sam Raimi; written by Raimi and his brother Ivan, with help from Alvin Sargent. Starring Tobey Maguire, Kirsten Dunst, James Franco, Thomas Hayden Church, Topher Grace, Bryce Dallas Howard, Rosemary Harris, J. K. Simmons, Dylan Baker, Bill Nunn, Bruce Campbell, and, utterly wasted in five minute roles, the great James Cromwell and Theresa Russell.

    Like a disease, this movie is everywhere.

    PLOT SPOLIERS BELOW (DO YOU CARE?)

    “Pardon me, pardon me… what are you going to see? You look educated, you wouldn’t eat food you found laying on the sidewalk, half chewed, would you? Look, look, look, this isn’t Spider-Man, it’s Spider-Man 3. This shit’s awful, it’s been done before, chewed up, digested, regurgitated. Oh, come on, ten year olds have heard much worse, and you know that.

    “Look: this thing is long, man. Long! It’s like two-and-a-half hours long. Now stop and peer around you. There’s a world out here! Yeah, it’s cloudy and chilly, but, hey, if you really want fun, if you really want to waste your whole night away, why don’t haul junior here to see Grindhouse. He’ll learn a lesson that’s for certain! That’s a joke–what else is there? Let’s see: Fracture, Next (oh, Jesus), Blades of Glory (saw that? figures…), and Lucky You. Shit, Grindhouse isn’t even playing.

    “Wait, has he read all the Harry Potters? Robert Louis Stevenson? Those things have actual plots! Characters that mean something! Spider-Man, well, it’s just plain stupid! I mean it’s all over the place! And it’s boring! Let me tell the kid something: you like romantic movies? Judging from that face I’d say no. Well, this film fancies itself a romance. And lady, it fails, oh how it fails.

    “Fine. Waste your night. On your deathbed you’ll be beggin’ for these hours back!”

    …

    “Wow. I mean, wow. You two are here on a date. How old are you? Twenty-one and nineteen. You realize that you, at least, are old enough to drink. Do you drink? And yet you’re here to see, let me guess Spider-Man 3. Why may I ask?

    “You guys are too young to take in this comic book shit. Did you read Spider-Man as kids? Wasn’t X-Men your generation’s meat? This is just awful stuff, you know. Especially now–they take this stuff way too seriously. This movie is 140 minutes long, and you know how much of that is dedicated to so-called character development? You know what that means don’t you. Don’t call me patronizing, you’re the one who’s going to see Spider-Man, I’m just the crack-pot.

    “There’s not one, not two, not three, but four bad guys in this film. What the fuck is that all about?! One is a black goo that falls from outer space. And get this: it doesn’t go after Spidey, no, he coincidentally runs into the gunk. We just hit, what, seven, eight billion people on the planet, and this goo finds Spider-Man. It could have just as easily found Dick Cheney, and then you would have had a real movie. But there’s more coincidence: there’s this sand creature, a guy who also turns into a bad guy due to accidentally falling into a sand pit. It’s a top-secret pit that’s being atomized, or subparticalized, or some such crap. In any case, the sand fellow, Sandman I guess he’s called, who can be big or small and who can’t even pick up a ring but then again can throw whole cars, well, he’s the guy who killed Peter Parker’s uncle. Got that? It gets worse. Once he was a common thug, now he’s can level a city block. Only he doesn’t want to because he’s a good guy at heart. Boo-hoo.

    “Of course, we get round three of the Green Goblin’s kid, Parker’s best friend, Harry, who this time gets klunked on the head and therefore forgets everything and is Parker’s pal again. For awhile. Then he gets mad again, and he won’t shut up about getting his revenge. So the movie goes back to the start of the series.

    “Keeping up? Well, Parker wants to marry Mary Jane, only she’s a struggling actress, and he never listens, because he’s famous as Spider-Man, and busy, too. Plus, he gets a kiss from the suddenly sexy Bryce Dallas Howard. She was the girl in Lady in the Water and The Village, where she looked young and sick, and now she just looks, well, luscious.

    “Do you really want your boyfriend gaping at her gams? Do you even know what gams are?

    “Don’t go in yet! There’s no lines, you’ve got time! Listen, these relationships dominate this movie! There’s more talking in this fucking movie than a Robert Altman film! And you don’t even know who that fucker is, either, do you. Well, Altman was a God-damned bore, just like Raimi has become–this movie will kill your date. Run, run to the Edina and see The Valet for the love of God!”

    …

    “Pardon me, sir, you look like you’re seeing a movie… Spider-Man 3? Really. Sir, if you don’t mind, you look to be quite distinguished… are you a veteran of Korea, perhaps? The Big War? Not that old, eh? Well, I ask because, well, you’ve certainly seen your share of great entertainments, and I feel that it is my duty to warn you, as a respectful member of the younger generation, that Spider-Man royally sucks.

    “Sir, sir, sir! Please. Look, shouldn’t I know better? Shouldn’t I be the one loving the comic book superhero? You grew up, undoubtedly, on great literature. What’s your favorite movie? Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner? Interesting. OK, so I assume you’ve seen The Godfather, probably at the theaters? Who didn’t love that movie! Me, too! And the second! Woof. That was something else. Oh, and the third… what? Yeah, it was boring, that’s right. Well… same thing here…

    “It’s exactly the same. A few cheap thrills. Actors phoning in their roles. Same jokes, now stale. That city editor yelling at everyone, Peter Parker trying to make ends meet, Mary Jane trying to make ends meet. This time, though, instead of one fascinating character, like Doc Ock, we get four uninteresting characters, one of which is a black goop that first gets Spider-Man to wear his hair like he’s impersonating Adolph Hitler and walk down the streets like Barry Gibb.

    “I know it sounds funny, but you won’t be laughing when you see it. You’ll be wondering when this fucking thing is going to end.

    “Oh, come on, you grew up in the 60s, you’ve heard the language. Look, this film wastes everything–they’ve got two great actors who’re given about five minutes each: James Cromwell, who was the old guy in Babe and Theresa Russell. The Sandman is Thomas Hayden Church, you know, the jerk from Sideways. I thought you’d seen that movie.

    “I’m asking you: do you want to have fun with a comic-book movie? This isn’t it. It’s serious. Harry Osborn, Parker’s pal and the son of Goblin, dies at the end and tears well up. People fall in and out of love. It’s as maudlin as Titanic without the benefit of Kate Winslet’s naked breasts.

    “I’m crazy? If you see this movie after all I’ve told you, you’re the one who’s mental!”

    …

    “Stop. Please stop. Don’t you get it, people! If you see this movie and it’s a hit, it will tell Sam Raimi–who used to be imaginative and cool–that we will pay him for crap like this! It will keep theaters like this from showing good movies! It spells doom!

    “You’re gonna call security? This theater doesn’t even have security. Why do you think I’m here!”

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  • Kick That Rear into Gear

    BICYCLING, ART, AND ADVENTURE
    No Lycra Please – Just Get Out the Rain Gear

    thumb-singercsukadetail.jpgThe weather is warming up, and the rains will likely prime our lawns, so we mustn’t complain. And we mustn’t be kept indoors. It’s time to pull out the bikes and dig out the plastic rain poncho. Where’s your sense of adventure? You’re too old for hide-and-seek and Easter eggs hunts, but you’re never too old for a good old-fashioned scavenger hunt. Join The Great Northeast Bicycle Scavenger Hunt. Saturday at 2:30 p.m., Logan Park, $5.

    After the scavenging, stop by for the Fine Fendered Friends art show at the newly opening Wheel Good Bicycles. Using bicycle fenders as their canvas, local artists will display and sell their work in this unique art show. Purchase a one-of-kind custom bicycle fender set and a restored vintage bicycle on which to wear those custom fenders. Featured artists include Yuri Arajs, Jennifer Davis, Mike Sweere, Tara Costello, Nicholas Harper, Amy Jo Hendrickson, Keegan Wenkman, John Grider, Kate Pabst, JAO, Bill Beekman, Max Arose, Sean Tubridy, Amy Rice, Ingrid Restemayer, and John Diebel.

    Friday at 6 p.m., Wheel Good Bicycles, 503 1st Avenue NE floor 3, Minneapolis.

    While you’re there, stop by Yuri’s Placement Gallery (509 1st Avenue NE, 2nd floor) for the premier exhibit, Paintings in Place . You’re likely to run into many local artists there for their monthly Algonquin Hotdish night.

    Speaking of buttocks…

    ART by Ann Klefstad
    Des Derrières: Mediating Excess Information with Insufficient Faith

    derrieres.jpgThis show features three intellectually hard-charging but often funny conceptual types from New York doing a wide variety of media (painting, sculpture, and video). This goofball name, Des Derrières, opens itself to all kinds of interpretations, from the opposite of the avant-garde (le derriere garde, the rear guard, those in fighting retreat) to pure scatology. All of this will matter, from the high-toned French history of the abject radical to the jokes and irreverence of fringy American art. It is also reminiscent of the old Monty Python joke: “And now for something completely different: A man with three buttocks.”

    It opens May 5 with a party everyone is invited to; if the opening is typical for this gallery, there’ll be music and ways for audience members to participate in the work. This is not the kind of gallery where you get something to go above the sofa, but you could figure out something to do behind it. Or maybe under it.

    Saturday at 7 p.m., Art of This Gallery, 3222 Bloomington Ave. S., Minneapolis; 612-721-4105.

    The Traffic Zone Center for Visual Art is also holding their 12th Annual Open Studio Night on Saturday evening, so stop by anytime from 5:30 – 9:30 p.m. and see what they’re up to. 250 Third Ave. N., Minneapolis.

    AUTHORS
    Make it a Lofty Weekend

    lit-sze.jpgThe Loft has a great weekend in store for us, with Chinese-American poet Arthur Sze on Friday, and Native American spoken word on Saturday. Call it a weekend of political poetry, poetry of identity, Native word-songs.

    In addition to composing six collections of poetry, Arthur Sze has taught at the Institute for American Indian Art in Santa Fe, New Mexico for the past dozen years. He now directs the creative writing program and has received numerous prestigious literary awards and fellowships. Accompanying Sze in his presentation are memoir-writer Laura Flynn and mixed media poet and artist Michele Heather Pollock. Friday at 7 p.m., $5 (free to members).

    On Saturday, follow up with the Equilibrium All Native Spoken Word Show – Making Oral History. “I write you this / An emancipation proclamation / Demarcation exclamation / Declaration of my independence” — and that pretty much sums it all up. Sarah Agaton Howes is one of seven artists using their rich oral history to create their own declarations of independence and demarcation exclamations. Saturday at 8 p.m., $5 ($3 students/members).

    The Loft Literary Center, Open Book, 1011 Washington Ave. S., Minneapolis; 612-215-2575.

    And don’t forget the Minnesota Book Awards ceremony on Saturday at 8 p.m. at the Crowne Plaza Hotel.

    MUSIC
    Old School Ska from the Second Wave

    2039847767.jpgEnglish Beat. General Public. Fine Young Cannibals. These guys have had many incarnations, so certainly you must have heard of them. “Underwater deaf and blind / under such pressures you might find / a secret right before the end / that makes you want to breathe again,” sing the Cold War holdovers, the Margaret Thatcher-era hitmakers, the ska music part II trailblazers. The English Beat stormed the music scene in the early 80s (you remember!), kept cranking out hits with the next several records (yes, they were records then), and branched off into various succeeding endeavors. It shouldn’t be too surprising, since their commitment to music is clear, but I never expected to see these guys playing under this name again, and I don’t expect we’ll see it much longer. Use it.

    Friday at 8 p.m., The Cabooze, 917 Cedar Ave., Minneapolis; 612-338-6425; $20.

    Tugging at the Dirty Old Heart Strings

    3219900955.jpgThey’re back in town. They’re free. They’re great. They’re mellow. And if you’re into alt-country-Americana “apartment music,” you shouldn’t miss them. The Ashtray Hearts have a show this Friday at the 331 Club.

    Friday at 10 p.m., 331 Club, 13th Ave. NE, Minneapolis; free.

    With all the previous booty talk, I can’t fail to mention a booty-shaking opportunity. Stop into Babalú tonight for some Brazilian dance-music rhythms with Dandára Backen. 800 Washington Ave. N., Minneapolis; 612-746-5234; $10.

    Also opening this weekend: The Minnesota Opera’s The Marriage of Figaro, The SteppingStone Theatre’s A Lion’s Tale: Somali Folktales, and The Valet.

  • Ain't That Pretty At All: Debacle In Tampa Bay

    Those were some of the most rinky-dink baseball games we’re likely to see all year (knock wood). Thank God, at any rate, that we’ve seen the last of the Devil Rays and that convention center/monster truck pit they call a baseball stadium.

    Seriously, can you recall a series that contained more serious weirdness than that one? Hard as it is to believe, it was actually worse than the previous Tampa Bay series. Lousy (and just plain funny) base running, crap defense, poor situational hitting, infield hits galore, and balls hit into the rafters and catwalks.

    The whole ugly mess obscured the fact that the Twins are facing some potentially serious questions. Joe Nathan, for one. Or Jesse Crain, for another. A batting order that has some glaring holes and still doesn’t seem like it’s structured for maximum efficiency. Maybe that’s a perception thing, resulting from the fact that when the top and bottom of the order guys produce, the middle of the lineup hitters seem to disappear, and vice versa. Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau stranded fourteen runners between them tonight, and Mauer actually looked human (all too human) several different times in the series, both at and behind the plate.

    Luis Castillo’s approach is entertaining, but someone needs to tell him that there are times (with runners in scoring position and less than one out, for instance) when what is called for is a line drive or, god forbid, a fly ball, rather than a ground ball to the infield.

    It’s been an oddly rubber-legged season so far, that’s for sure, and much shakier than the team’s record would seem to indicate.

    This might be the most alarming stat in the early going: after blowing his first save of the season last night, Joe Nathan now has the same WHIP (walks + hits/innings pitched) as Sidney Ponson: 1.80. If you don’t know what that means, I can assure you that it’s not good. Nathan has pitched 13-and-a-third innings and has surrendered 19 hits and five walks. He’s clearly laboring, and one unfortunate result of that –besides the ugly lines he’s been putting up– is that he’s throwing way too many pitches.

    The silver lining in Tampa Bay is that Pat Neshek looks increasingly like he’s got the stuff and the composure to do what he does for the long haul, and Glen Perkins has looked more and more comfortable with every outing.

    Nothing’s going to get any easier in the next couple weeks, but what would really be nice right now is a stretch of top-to-bottom consistency like we saw in the second half last year.

  • The Heart’s Ventriloquist

    rangertoes.jpg

    He knew how to make the heart sing and yodel and howl with joy, could coax from it creaks and croaks and murmurs. He seemed to be able to make it confess its secrets, its hopes and desires, fears and needs.

    His performances were uncanny, the stuff of growing legend, and would leave audiences spellbound. He had the ability to make people believe that what they were hearing was an expression of the universal heart, yet in a way that felt both ancient and painfully real and personal to each individual who heard it. Some people proclaimed him an expert in the mysteries of the human heart; others believed that he literally had the ability to channel these mysteries.

    In what was left of his own battered heart, however, he knew that he was at best a mimic or a conjurer, at worst a complete fraud.

    The heart’s ventriloquist was a solitary and broken man. His work exhausted him. After each show he would retire to his dressing room and lock the heart in a metal trunk. And then he would go back to his motel room and spend the night drinking, smoking, and reading novels.

    He recognized that many of the words the heart spoke came directly from the novels he read, and he often felt like he was trapped in a past that not only wasn’t his own, but, more pathetically, wasn’t even real.

     

  • From Books to Bras

    BOOKS AND AUTHORS
    Elaine Pagels Cancelled

    bruce_about.jpgDue to an unexpected family emergency, author Dr. Elaine Pagels has cancelled her scheduled presentation tonight for the Pen Pals Author Lecture Series. She will be replaced by New York Times bestselling author Bruce Feiler. I guess we’re sticking with Christianity because this award-winning journalist is the author of Walking the Bible, Abraham, and Where God Was Born, and the writer-presenter of the PBS miniseries Walking the Bible.

    7:30 p.m. (or noon tomorrow), Hopkins Center for the Arts, 1111 Mainstreet, Hopkins; 651-209-6799; $35, $45.

    Family Ties

    Mistress.jpgMaybe Christianity isn’t your thing — or maybe it is, but you’d like to expand your literary horizons a bit past that. You can still nurture the spirit. Go hear best-selling author A.M. Homes discuss her new memoir, The Mistress’s Daughter. Follow Homes on her journey of self-discovery (oh, how we love self-discovery!) as she searches for her biological parents, explores her roots, and contemplates what it really means to be adopted. Homes will sign copies of her book following the discussion.

    7 p.m., University of Minnesota Bookstore, Coffman Memorial Union, 300 Washington Ave. S.E., Minneapolis; 612-625-6000; free.

    MUSIC by Jon Lurie
    Nauseatingly Successful Romantic

    bengibbard.jpg“Critics have called him a nauseatingly romantic wuss, a badge-of-honor Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard has worn through three Grammy nominations, six critically acclaimed albums, and a performance on Saturday Night Live. Everything this soft-spoken, melodic alt-rocker has touched in the ten years since he founded Death Cab, including his side project The Postal Service, has turned gold. This is a rare opportunity for Gibbard fans to check out the singer/songwriter performing solo and acoustic—no better way to hear the depressing yet soulful and ironically titled hit ‘Such Great Heights.’”

    8 p.m., First Avenue, 701 First Ave. N., Minneapolis; 612-332-1775; $20.

    Two Black Eyes

    ph_pro01.jpgMaybe you need a show that will put a little more bounce back in your step. Les Yeux Noirs (the black eyes) offers up diverse rhythms and sounds from central Europe. The paris-based group is part gypsy, part Yiddish, part klezmer, a whole lot of jazz, and all about movement. The two frontman violinists, brothers, will get your blood flowing with their frenetic bursts as you rid the floor of the last remnants of winter dust. Summer is here. Get your hips swinging.

    7:30 p.m., The Cedar Cultural Center, 416 Cedar Ave. S., Minneapolis; 612-338-2674; $20.

    THEATER AND PERFORMANCE
    A Story of which We Don’t Seem to Tire

    arts_feature-31291.jpgThe Evidence of Silence Broken is a lyrical exploration of process — the process of becoming — of becoming who we are. In fact, it’s an exploration of author and performer Zell Miller III’s own becoming — as usual — and how he chose poetry as his weapon in the ever-cliche war against the gun. (I say this, but then I am always utterly stunned at the general public’s acceptance of repetition. And after all, it is a true story, so I mustn’t be so cynical. I must learn to recognize some hope in the world.) Yes, that’s right, it’s the story of the birth of a poet — better known as how a man grows his second testicle — all in the context of hip hop as the weapon, the fodder, the seed by which ones own identity is rooted, and that of an entire people. Yup, it’s that same old story, and we’re all such suckers for it. Just so it’s done well, please. Just so it’s done well. (And in this case, the autobiographical aspect is a good sign.) OK, but this is the description I really like: “Miller delves into the relationship between silence, truth and love and explores what silence sounds like, looks like, and feels like once it is broken.” Beautiful! What the hell does that mean? I mean, sure, I can appreciate a good metaphor, but when people start talking about the sound of silence, I get hives.

    7:30 p.m., Pillsbury House Theater, 3501 Chicago Avenue South, Minneapolis, 612-825-0459; $15.

    STYLE by Christy DeSmith
    Not much happening in fashion this week…

    Bra1.jpgHere’s a topic that flares up passions: bras. Or rather, the need to wear better-fitted ones, since the well-endowed among us can cause duress–to others, and especially themselves, while running around the lakes! Yikes!

    If you crave control or maybe even less back fat, you might care to know that Fit for the Cure is happening at various area Macy’s stores later this week and through the weekend. You’ll likely have to wait a little longer than you normally would for your fitting. But these events do much to demystify the experience. And they’re for a good cause (breast cancer research). Here’s the schedule:

    Thursday, May 3, 11 a.m. – 7 p.m.: Rosedale, Ridgedale
    Friday, May 4, 10 a.m. – 5 p.m.: Minneapolis, Southdale, Burnsville
    Saturday, May 5, 10 a.m. – 5 p.m.: Ridgdale, St. Paul, Mall of America