Category: Blog Post

  • Is Your Journey Really Necessary?

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    By the time I pulled into this completely unfamiliar town my radiator was shot to shit and I was so stoned and hungry that I tried to get the woman at the Taco John’s to sell me a sour cream gun.

    I was headed for a seminar at a tanning academy, and that notion struck me as more ridiculous by the hour (I’d been dispatched by my very-soon-to- be erstwhile employer, Baked to Perfection, located in the historic Ho-Chunk Shopping Plaza in my hometown). It seemed like I’d been following cement trucks across three states, and I’d been having deep thoughts along these lines: What in the world do we mean when we say ‘What in the world?’?

    After I gorged myself at the Taco John’s I went down the street to a bar called Hung Mike’s. I ordered a beer and asked the bartender if he could recommend a “promising motel” in the vicinity. I immediately regretted my word choice, and the bartender looked me over for a moment and shrugged. “This is hardly a town for engaging propositions,” he said. Without turning his head in my direction a guy at an adjacent bar stool chimed in: “Don’t get your hopes up.”

    “They ought to just paint that on the watertower,” the bartender said.

    This was followed by an awkward silence, made all the more awkward by the fact that it wasn’t truly silence. There was music playing from the jukebox, and the juxtaposition of songs was jarring; Fleetwood’s Mac’s “Landslide,” for example, was followed by a Dixieland version of “Camptown Races.”

    Jarring juxtapositions seemed to be a specialty of Hung Mike’s. On the mirror behind the bar was a sign: “Only a fool says there is no God, and fools we are not!” Right next to that, another sign, hand-lettered, read, “What are all you fucking assholes smiling about?”

    When he brought me another beer the bartender jerked his head toward the guy on his stool and said, “Why don’t you ask numbnuts over there about the time he tried to eat the air freshener.”

    “Fuck you,” the guy said.

    There was another prolonged silence, during which the bartender disappeared into a cluttered office next to the bathrooms. I could see him in there hunched over a desk and furiously punching the buttons on an adding machine. This appeared to be an obsessive behavior rather than something actually necessary and productive.

    And then what? I don’t really know then what, to be honest with you. The night sort of got away from me. Nights seemed to get away from me a lot in those days. I do, though, have a dim recollection of wandering up and down the Main Street of that town. I no longer remember the name of the place or even what state it was in, but I remember that it was one of those anonymous and dying little towns that are strung out all over the Midwest, places where Dollar Stores and tattoo parlors are the main growth industries and where half the women are licensed cosmetologists.

    The main thing I remember, though, is that I woke up the next morning in the backseat of my car, which was parked in the corrugated tin quonset bay of a do-it-yourself car wash on the edge of town.

  • Conversations Real and Imagined: Thick as Thieves

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    Rififi, 1955. Directed by Jules Dassin, written by Dassin, with Rene Wheeler and Auguste Le Breton. Starring Jean Servais, Jo le Suedois, Robert Manuel, Jules Dassin, Marie Sabouret, Janine Darcey, Claude Sylvain, and Marcel Lupovici.

    I know what they say: they say that crime doesn’t pay. And it doesn’t I suppose. After all those years of hard living, you don’t come away with anything but the worst regrets. The stress kills you, the lies kill you, every little thing kills you, like going from good times to bad in a day. Shit, I literally had an apartment across from Central Park in Manhattan, had it for eight months, furnished, great view, full bar, and then, on December 11 (I can’t forget the date), I spent the night in a homeless shelter in the Bowery. But it can be just as bad going up, you know–Christ, you come across a bundle, you can leave the dregs for a great new place, but how do you furnish the thing? How do you get in with the neighbors, the respectable people? They know something’s up.

    Throw kids in the mix and it’s worse. I had a little girl. Still do, I guess. But she hasn’t spoken with me in years. Never will, either.

    I love Rififi. Watch that movie, and you’ll see how it was with a gang I was involved in. We didn’t do anything with safes and busting in like in the picture, though maybe that would have been more noble. Stealing from some wealthy bastard instead of televisions and radios out of some poor guy’s basement or warehouse. But my pals, we had that loyalty, like in the movie. Shit, I guarantee that’s the only French movie I could ever watch. Influenced me to no end when I was younger. Back then, when I first saw it, I was one of those shitheads who couldn’t do anything right–I’d steal, lie, cheat, but I had a heart, I knew, my pals knew it. I remember once, when I sold a pal’s saxophone right out from under him, I was holdin’ it while he spent a month in the pen for trying to buy some heroin off a cop. He gets out, comes to me, finds the axe is gone. We both cried, you know that? And he says, he says, “You know what Max, you’re the kind of guy you can trust with your life, but not your money.” Then he gave me a hug, went to go buy his sax. Never saw him again. That really hurt. But it was true. I guess the truth hurts more than anything else, doesn’t it?

    Rififi hit me hard. I saw it in Times Square, at the Rialto. It wasn’t long after I lost that sax. I was really bumming, selling dope, stealing those televisions, doing whatever I could. So I saw Rififi, about the great jewel heist. I’ve seen this thing a hundred times if I’ve seen it at all. I own it now, watch it with friends, and they don’t like it, don’t like that it’s in French. So what? You wouldn’t ignore a beautiful woman if she spoke French, right? That’s how I feel about this movie.

    See, what got me wasn’t the heist. That I could take or leave. I mean, it’s exciting, yeah, but real? No way, that’s all Hollywood. I’m not going to break safes and climb through holes in ceilings. But those guys, those thieves, they stuck together, and that’s what I liked. The main guy, Tony the Stephanois, he’s coughing throughout the flick, he’s going to die. Going to die because he’s old and let himself get locked up, taking the rap for his young friend, who had a kid. In the joint he caught some lung disease, tuberculosis, something. The kid was too young to do hard time, Tony figured, so he didn’t fink on his friend. I remember sitting there, in the dark, sucking on my Coca-Cola, and thinking, “son of a bitch, I’d never do that!” But then the movie progresses, and these guys all stick together… except one, and he brings it all down. I hate him still, just to talk about him now.

    There’s one scene that gets me: when they’re opening the safe. They’re going to go in from the back, so these four guys lower the thing down so the safecracker can work on getting in. Of course, it’s heavy, hard, hard work even for four men. And you know what? It looks just like the soldiers raising the flag of Iwo Jima, except going the opposite way. All working together like that. Of course, there’s no glory to it, they’re robbing after all.

    But that’s the thing with a movie like Rififi. Crime doesn’t pay… they all have to say that. But it does, kind of. You come out of a theater after seeing a show like that, and the sun’s so bright, and it seems like it’s shining especially hard on your prospects, and they’re not good. It feels like you do an honest day’s work and you come home broken. And where’s the thrill? When does your heart ever beat like it does when you’re doing something wrong, stealing something, wonderin’ if those footfalls are the cops or just some lunk out wandering? I’m here to tell you the heart doesn’t ever beat that way. And if you win, you’re sitting on a throne, a holy throne.

    For us it became hot merchandise, like I said, tv’s and radios, whatever we could steal and resell, and very little violence. I made some friends, close friends in the business, got in with a group of guys like in Rififi, only not like Rififi, because you know life is never like a movie. But close, real close, and when they go to jail, it kills you. And when they die, it hurts even in your sleep. And the shame of it all, you get to share it, and the miseries you share, and the highs, you certainly share those. But we stuck it out, the four of us.

    Now they’re all gone. Two died young, one at the hands of a cop who thought my pal was packing a piece. One’s in jail forever. I still write him, but I’m too old to visit. Sent him to a joint in Virginia. No one sees him. But I hear he’s healthy.

    This’ll sound disrespectful, but sometimes I think it’s like soldierin’. You go through the good and bad with a guy, highs taller than the Empire State Building, and lows lower than the bottom of the Atlantic. And even though it makes you sick to think of some of the casualties, how could you have lived any different?

    Me, my biggest regret’s family. I do see the guys in the park, walking with their grandkids, the life of a sucker peaking with a beautiful child in their arms. Maybe that’s the gold at the end of the rainbow, I don’t know. I saw Rififi just the other day, and it’s true, with this life there’s never any future. I’m lucky to be this old and not talking to you in a jail cell, or not talking at all ’cause I’m dead. My pal who died on the job, you know, I thought about how in Rififi Tony stays with his pal, stroking his hair because he’s sad as all hell. Man, I wanted to say good-bye to my friend, Cinch was his name, but I had to beat it for the cops. That certainly wasn’t like the movie. I hope Cinch was already dead, and not alone in his last moments…

    Politicians and Professors will never understand, though: crime’s never going away, because real life’s like the movies just enough to keep us coming back for more. That’s awful I know, but it’s what I believe.

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  • Chowgirls

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    Let’s eat y’all!

    I don’t think it’s cheating to call in some girlfriends to help with Thanksgiving. Just because those girlfriends happen to be professional caterers is neither here, nor there.

    The Chowgirls are a sassy couple of caterers who succeed at kicky, yummy food while caring about local farms and ingredients. They have a little place in the Dinkydale mall that is open to the public for lunch: croque monsieur, sausage and goat cheese lasagna, organic spinach salad, cuban medianoche, YES PLEASE!

    More importantly, they can quell your T-day fears by offering a sweet selection of sides. Imagine checking these off your list: potato-fennel gratin with gruyere, beet salad with balsamic and gingered pecans, gravy with sparkling cider and shallots, even a half pint of herbed Hope Creamery butter. But hop to it, you have to order by this Sunday.

    Because I will simply be a guest this year, the bourbon-lovin’ Derby Pie will be gracing my sister-in-law’s table. I just have to figure a way to sneak in the beet salad as well.

  • Plastics made what possible?

    Tonight, the Rake’s happy hour book club meets with regular Rake contributor Eric Dregni and his brother, Jonathan. These two co-authored the new book Follies of Science: 20th Century Visions of Our Fantastic Future, which rehashes all the more fantastical, mid-century predictions for the new millennium, most of which never came true, of course. We’re talkin’ jet packs and hovercrafts, robot warfare, space colonies, babes clad in little more than pleather bunhuggers and plastic breastplates, and what not.

  • Before The Music Dies…

    I don’t know much about the following event, other than the fact that it touches upon something that we, as a culture of collective music-heads, have all felt. Before The Music Dies is a documentary film dealing with music-making in the wake of its corporatization. I suspect it is, for the most part, comprised of interviews with various industry figures and musicians, such as Erykah Badu and Dave Matthews… You can check out the film’s website to get a lil’ taste. And if then you want the full feast, the film screens at the Kitty Cat Klub tonight at 7 p.m.

  • Eschewing the appliance (how to buy used)

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    The lovely pagoda top Mercedes 280, a car you can still afford.

    For some, the car is nothing more than a means of getting from point a to point b. For such folks, the automobile is an appliance that is less respected than a lawnmower (particularly if that lawnmower is electric and thus desirable to be seen pushing around.)

    For other people, the car is a portable amusement park. The Road Rake is written for such people and will continue to be written until all its readers have found their very own Xanadu on wheels.

    Compiling a list of portable Xanadus would prove quxiotic. Linking to evo magazine (included in my links) or perhaps Wheels of Italy locally will get you started. In the meantime, if you are looking for a great car keep the following in mind:

    Shop for soul. That means you’ll be interested mainly in pure breeds like sports cars, real trucks and the like.

    This is tough because all manufacturers build cars from the same parts bin these days. Yet pure breeds still come into being. Best of all, they rarely sell well when they are made in larger numbers, which can mean a great deal to you. Witness the Lincoln Mark II (too understated for the time). The original Riviera (same thing). Or more recently the Mazda RX-7, the Toyota Supra Turbo and the current Corvette (sadly, not the Z-06 everyone realizes it for the brilliant car it is).

    Of course this is not always the case. Pretty much all the Maranello Barchettas on the market are currently spoken for, as are the Pagani Zondas and the BMW M3s (the 2007 model). Yet some Ferarris in the mid-60s were not selling so well, given the craze at the time for mid-engined supercars (which Enzo firmly resisted), and even today there are great classics that are only now coming into their own.

    Here’s an example. Take the Mercedes Benz 280 SL convertible (with available Pagoda top), last made in 1971. A good example can be found for the mid-20s. Does this car have soul? Oh, yes-particularly from 40 mph to 100 mph. Is it a pure breed? You betcha, it is a beautiful roadster. Is it the purest example of the breed? No. That would have to be the 300 Sl, which can be had for a mere $150,000 more. But the average transportation appliance driver can hardly tell the difference, and most women go wild for both sets of wheels.

    Heck, the ladies even go wild for my Alfa Spider (a mere 7k toy). I know this because I know no longer have the hairline to make it on my own.

    (note: portions of this entry have been lifted from my own bulletin/blog groovyman.com.)

  • Engine notes (an X-mas CD)

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    www.motorbooks.co.uk

    It is well know that Nick Mason (Pink Floyd) is an avid automobile collector. He has a book that is available in England with a CD of the best engine note soundtracks called Into The Red (for redline, of course.) It is available at the link above (in British pound).

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    Of note: Luv the book cover. BTW the Ferrari 250 GTO is considered the best engine note, no controversy here.

    What is less commonly know, however is the sound of the Matra 12-cylinder CanAm cars of the 1970s. They are reportedly among the loudest engines of all time. These French cars were all sound and fury signifying nothing however and proved very unreliable.

    I’ll try to capture some soundtracks for you on this blog soon. In the meantime please enjoy any BoyRacer SuperStreet car with a coffee can (street for real big muffler) and give thanks that these youngsters are merely making and not taking speed.

  • Point, Counterpoint

    Steve Brandt, the Strib reporter whom I criticized yesterday, has posted a response to that blog and another comment I made at e-democracy. (The rules of the e-democracy forum prohibit me from making a response because I’ve hit my daily post limit already due to my own stupidity. The daily post limit is two, btw.)

    So here is Brandt’s response to me:

    Those who followed Tom Bartel’s link to The Rake might have been better served had Bartel gotten his facts straight. He suggests that he ought to be hired by the Star Tribune to cover schools (my beat) because he was able to speak to Chris Stewart on Monday. That’s great, but I wasn’t trying to reach Stewart on Monday. Another reporter was. That’s because this began as a 5th District campaign issue. I cover schools. I did try to reach Stewart on Tuesday night as returns came in, for normal campaign coverage. He didn’t return my call, nor that of the reporter who originally tried to reach him. I got someone else’s mess dumped in my lap after the election.

    As for why no story was printed out of the Lee press conference for the election-day paper on the basis of one candidate’s assertion, the Star Tribune is very cautious about printing last-minute charges without a response from the target. That’s something that differentiates the MSM from blogs. Some people like to throw up anything and see if it sticks. If that’s your threshold for reporting, fine. But for all the Star Tribune’s faults, that’s not our M.O.

    Steve Brandt
    Star Tribune
    Not The Rake

    And here is mine to him:

    I notice that Brandt didn’t deny anything I said in my blog, except that he hadn’t made the original call to Stewart. Here’s what the story Steve Brandt wrote said: “Stewart didn’t return calls until after his election.” Please forgive my inference that Brandt had made the calls related to a story that Brandt wrote.

    However, the substance of my post was that Brandt, or whoever makes his calls for him, blithely accepted Stewart’s “explanation” of the site. He didn’t question why Stewart had published it under a pseudonym, or why he’d linked to KKK and Nazi sites, or why, when Lee first confronted him, he posted a response along the lines of “Thanks, Tammy for making us famous,” or any of the other questions I suggested. Finally, he never asked (or at least didn’t print the reponse to) the question of why Stewart refused to return calls until after the election.

    The answer to that last one, though, Brandt does supply himself. It’s because Stewart well knew that the meek Star Tribune reporters wouldn’t actually do any digging, or threaten to print the truth without his comment, and that Stewart would be safe from widespread bad publicity until after the election. Hey, Steve, papers print things all the time like: “Stewart refused to return repeated calls for comment.”

    That’s part of the story–that Stewart was stonewalling admitting his involvement, wasn’t it?

    Brandt calls this caution. I call it sloth or cowardice. Take your pick. If that’s the Strib’s M.O., you can have it.

    Tom Bartel
    The Rake
    Not the Star Tribune

  • NYC Recap

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    So….the New York trip was fun. The marathon was super cool, basically it was a mass of humanity moving in one direction.

    Telepan was by far the best service, our server was invisible yet attentive. He helped us pair the best flavors for our tasting menu choices, but never over-asserted himself. Top bite was a poached egg over frisee with lardons and a light mustard dressing.

    Cafe Cluny was homey and tightly packed and dimly lit and we loved it. I had some scallops on a cauliflower puree that was simple elegance.

    Morimoto…food was innovative and fun, and the sushi quality was amazing, but. The room was FREEZING and it seemed like none of the staff wanted to be there. Our server was completely bored and ineffective. When I ordered the appetizers, he kept pushing a couple of orders of the Kobe carpaccio for $50 a pop. And our empty cocktail glasses collected on our table until we finally pushed them into a large grouping in the middle of the table. It was like a pretty, dirty centerpiece.

    Big finds: Doughnut Plant on the LES. Hello pumpkin doughnuts, Vahlrona doughnuts, fluffy glazed Krispy-Kremes-are-rocks morsels of love.

    We ducked into Tisserie for a coffee and a snack. They had cases packed with portable yummies like Nutella tartlets and chocolate filled blobs of dough called tiger eyes. Nice surprise.

    Chocolate by The Bald Man: Max Brenner is a Wonka wonderland shop/restaurant of amazing chocolate. Huge slices of double chocolate pizza, vats of fondue, a chocolate filled syringe for the quick blast, chocolate spread on chocolate bread … I think I’m in love with this man.

  • Shall I compare thee to a squeezebox?

    Hate to plug the obvious, but The Lit 6 Project‘s having another show this weekend. And they’ve been inviting some musician friends into the fold as of late, which makes things pretty interesting. This time that’ll be Chris Koza. There’s also a film preview/fundraiser for a long-in-the-making documentary by local filmmaker Melodie Gilbert. Her most notable project to date is probably Hole, a documentary about amputee wannabes. But this new flick’s about “urban explorers”–you know, the sorts of folks who like climbing about caves, sewer systems, and what not. (Yuck.) And finally, up about Northeast Minneapolis, there’s gonna be the NEMAA Fall Fine Arts Show as well as the NE Accordion Festival. Oompah!