Category: Blog Post

  • A Matter Of Great Importance

    Dear George Washington Bush,

    I have to confess to you, sir, that I’ve grown weary of your monkey business. Tomorrow I intend to join with millions of other Americans in voting you out of office.

    I’m not ashamed to admit that I voted for you last year, but that was last year. I lived in a different America –and a different shitty apartment– then, and was so drunk and tired I could barely find my mouth with a soup spoon. I had all manner of mental and physical hygiene issues, and I appreciated the fact that you seemed cleaner than some of the other fellows. I also appreciated your commitment to physical fitness, a commitment that has always proved so personally difficult for me. I figure it counts for something that an older guy like you can run circles around his fat mob of handlers.

    I admired your “saltiness,” the way you said “fuck” and “pussy” all the time and were always chasing tail. I thought your tattoo of a mongoose biting the breasts of a naked woman was fabulous, and I liked the whack, pimpy hats you were always wearing. It didn’t bother me in the least that you purportedly smoked methamphetamine and drove that dune buggy into the river and shot some other dude in the ass. What was it to me that you were, according to some hag in the Washington Post, “notoriously gropey”?

    Big deal, I would say to people at work when they’d complain about your “indiscretions.” Sometimes, in your defense, I’d quote my (and your) favorite philosopher, Friedrich Nietzsche: “Human, all too human.” None of the nitwits had any idea what I was talking about, but I figure that’s their fucking problem.

    What I’m saying is that I was willing to cut you some slack. I thought it was sort of cool to have a fuck-up for a President. Still, I never did buy into the popular perception that you were “dumber than a tube sock full of gravel.” Nor, however, did I believe you were sly as a fox. I just thought you were an average, good-shit sort of guy.

    Now, though, I’ll have you know that you have one seriously fucking dissatisfied customer on your hands.

    I don’t know how many times I’ve written you complaining about those sticky plastic strips they put on CDs, and you haven’t bothered to send me even one stinking reply –not one!

    And then I went to pick up my car tabs at the department of motor vehicles and they wanted to charge me more than a hundred bucks for a couple of shitty stickers, and the skanky old Bush administration functionary who waited on me insisted that I either write a check or pay cash, neither of which I was in a position to do.

    So here’s what it boils down to, I guess: Thanks for nothing, you cracker bastard. And good riddance.

    Let’s just see how much tail you get when you’re no longer the President.

    Sincerely,

    Brad Zellar

  • The Mirror Screen

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    Certainly people grow tired of mere contraptions. But they never grow weary of imagination. Vachel Lindsay, The Art of the Moving Picture

    One summer I met with a gentleman named Harley Buckwilliams, a tall fellow bent with osteoporosis and pigeon toed, a wanderer and would-be filmmaker from Topinabee, Michigan, on Mullet Lake. Buckwilliams–I never got to the bottom of whether that was his real name or a nom de plume–had seventeen minutes of what was to have been an epic feature film called Vachel Lindsay Will Trade Bread for Photoplays. How he came across my name I’ll never know, but it was this strange request which prompted me to drive the two hours from a visit with my mother in Mt. Pleasant. I arrived at a dilapidated clapboard farmhouse in the middle of a forest that looked as if someone had hacked down the trees twenty years ago and replanted evergreens in very straight lines. Harley met me out front, offered me a bottle of homemade beer, and then welcomed me around the back to a shack barely big enough to hold two people, much less a projector and screen. The place smelled not unpleasantly of metal and dust and old wood. Above the entrance was a sign that read Gryphon Theater, and inside and on shelves above our head were rows and rows of film canisters, a collection from over thirty five years. It included the usual found footage–old educational films, (Paddle to the Sea among them), footage of Flint for that city’s Chamber of Commerce, advertisements, and, he claimed, a copy of the Lyman Howe’s old silent Moving Day that Lindsay enjoyed. Buckwilliams refused to show this last one to me “for fear of enchantment”–I would, like Lindsay, take to the roads, hoboing, trying to encourage my fellow man to fall in love with poetry and the moving picture.

    We sat on a pair of old kitchen stools, and he projected his film onto the back of an ancient high school school map of the United States. “My original idear was to cast Rich Brautigan in the role of Vachel Lindsay. You can see him there.” Quickly, there was a shot outside of what looked like a steep San Francisco street, and Brautigan, with his characteristic mustache, smiling and then flipping off the camera. Then the projector died. Buckwilliams cleared his throat as he tried to fix it. “He agreed at first. I get to keep this footage ’cause of that. I kept after him but then he died. Both Vachel and Richard killed themselves. One with Lysol, one with a pistol. I’d go with the pistol myself.”

    The crux of the film was this: Brautigan was to wander from Illinois to New Mexico, as Lindsay had, preaching the gospel of beauty. As time progressed, Brautigan would gather poor souls to a makeshift theater by every town–merely a sheet strung up between birch trees, at dusk, hopefully by a river or railyard–and screen what had already been shot. All the while, characters in the background would be reciting Lindsay’s Art of the Moving Picture in its entirety. There was really no plot, except that Brautigan needed to get to New Mexico and there the film would be seen in its entirety. “The movie would sink into your head,” Buckwilliams said, as he fiddled the projector, blowing dust out of the guts of the machine. “I’m not talking the garbage you see today. But the movies that come out of your every waking day. That’s what V. saw in poetry and movies. This thing,” he said, slapping the reel, “is about life. What other movie can say that?”

    I scoffed at that overblown statement, and asked him how he planned to get the financing to finish it–or was it already completed? The film would not lose money, he claimed, because barter would rule–for every time they needed film, or to use an editing studio, or to eat, Buckwilliams and his crew (one brother serving a year for vagrancy, and two pals of Harley’s from his very brief time in the Coast Guard before he was tossed out for desertion) would trade what they need for the promise of a spot in the motion picture. “Of course,” Harley said, in a voice gouged by cigarettes and no doubt shouting over trains, “that meant you had to find someone with imagination. Someone who’s brave.” Then he asked me if I would fund part of it, and I gave him thirty dollars and the promise of helping him screen what he had if he made it to Minneapolis.

    With that he turned the projector back on and we watched the remainder of Vachel Lindsay Will Trade Bread for Photoplays. What remains is a thing of beauty. Whatever’s going through Mr. Buckwilliams’ head, no matter how scatterbrained he appeared, he does has an eye for the people he’s shooting. They are weary, most are drunk, the dregs of society beaming at the camera, no doubt shocked that someone wants to take a movie of them, and not just some tv crew out to capture the plight of the homeless. One fellow does a little jig, another tries (and fails) to juggle, one woman kisses at the lens and winks, smiles and then her instincts react and she immediately covers that happy grin with her hand and her eyes lower. Hilarious and heartbreaking all at once, with a little murmur of someone reading, I assume, chapter one of The Art of the Moving Picture. “But what’s important,” Buckwilliams added, “is that we don’t get anyone else talking. Talking ruins the Hieroglyphics of the individual. Film reveals the language. It reveals the person. It is, as Vachel said, the mirror-screen. It will make all of us happy, all of us equal.” He seemed to be suddenly aware of the gravity of the statement, for he shrugged and gave me a sideways smile. “Anyway, that’d be nice wouldn’t it?”

    A little tipsy from the combination of strong beer and an empty stomach, I watched this little movie, impressed with Buckwilliams’ triumphant close to the picture: in 2018, when Lindsay’s vision of the arrival of a winged book should appear in Springfield, Illinois, the filming will cease. Harley would then show the world premiere of the film that day as well. The movie will be shown in the center of town, and maybe, just maybe, the spirit of Vachel Lindsay will rise to greet the new Millennia of the city of Springfield, which was holy to Lindsay.

    Thanking Harley for his hospitality and the clip of his movie, I retreated to my car, a little overwhelmed. What I had just seen was as gossamer as a spider web on a tomato plant–here one day, gone the next. No one will bother to save Mr. Buckwilliams’ precious canisters of film; needless to say it will never make the switch to DVD and the film itself will eventually decay to nothing. Perhaps that is as it should be, like Lindsay’s impromptu poems recited for a meal or a night’s sleep in a hayloft. I felt a bit guilty with my promises to screen his movie if he ever made it out my way, for I knew that we both knew that that was an empty promise, that he would probably never leave Topinabee alive. And when he died, the movie would die with him.

    …As we peer into the Mirror Screen some of us dare to look forward to the time when the pouring streets of men will become sacred in each other’s eyes, in pictures and in fact. –Vachel Lindsay, The Art of the Moving Picture.

  • Welcome to the Shadow Chamber

    The Minneapolis College of Art and Design just opened Roger Ballen: Shadow Chamber, a show that’s running for a few short weeks and thus, probably won’t get the props it deserves. Ballen is a Johannesburg-based photographer specializing in eerie, black-and-white images, in any case. Check out the show on a quiet Monday afternoon…
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  • Car Candy Kills

    I have a pusher. He pushes a drug called speed.

    Guys that own hot rods, however, do not call this drug “speed” but “candy.” I guess that way it sweetens the blow that hits your wallet, the small side of your back, and the ever-present possibility of your forehead projecting through plate glass.

    Guys that own hot rods rarely talk about how “fast” a “ride” travels. They are more interested in how you’ve “candied up” your car to cover short distances at G-force inducing velocities. They really want to know how much you’ve “paid to play.” Or in other words, how many automotive updgrades you’ve added to your stock car to make it perform at a respectable level for the average gearhead.

    What’s more, what really makes them happy (and my pusher, in particular) is to see you candy up your car only to see it implode at the dragstrip or careen out of control on the street. The Germans call this schadenfreude or the “malicious enjoyment of other’s misfortunes.” I can assume most car candy pushers feel the same way.

    I am not quite sure how to stave off this addiction. Its nihilistic. Its so German. And yet, my current addiction is being fed by a American 2003 Mustang Cobra. This car delivers the most bang for hot-rod buck in history. While there are some that many argue that point, let me leave you with a recent anecdote.

    Yesterday my pusher called me to say that my car was ready (I had to replace the clutch after frying it doing upteenth burn-outs). The bill was in the low 4 figures.

    …However…

    My pusher informed me that he had just received a shipment of Whipple Superchargers and that while my car was in the shop he could easily put one on.

    “How much?,” was my first question.

    “About 640,” he replied.

    “At the wheels?,” was my second question.

    “Duh,” he replied idignantly.

    The conversation continued for a few minutes before we ever got around to discussing price. For you see my pusher was telling me that by simply switching out the supercharger my car could go from 470 horsepower at the rear wheels to over 600.

    It may be clear to all of you but just in case that is horspower at the rear wheels–not the flywheel–which is how all manufacturers report their horsepower figures. All cars lose approximately 16% of their horsepower from the flywheel (where the clutch engages at the transmission) to the rear wheels (where the rubber hits the road so to speak.).

    That means, for example that my Cobra currently produces something like 560 horsepower. Hardly enough for my pusher.

    In case you’re wondering, this upgrade would cost me about $4,500.00. Its quite the deal for over 150 more HP. Classically you paid about $1000.00 for every 10 HP but that was before the age of modular engines and computer-controlled engine management.

    The Germans make you pay far more for every ounce of power.

    To make their schadenfreude more delicious, perhaps?

    Alas, car candy is equally lethal in any flavor.

    I am telling my pusher “nein.”

  • Absentee Voting

    This week I voted absentee for the second time in three years. I have to say I love it. Seems like a lot of people love it too. The Star Tribune’s article really only skims the surface of the issue. What isn’t stated is the oppotunity that a lot of poor people will have to actually vote if they vote absentee. Many work all day on election day and don’t get to the polls. If they knew they could do it via mail at their liesure it could significantly raise voter turn-out. And significantly change the political landscape.

  • The Hate That Laughs Produced

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    Briefly: Sacha Baron Cohen’s Borat has been hailed by many as the last refuge of shock humor, carrying on a tradition that included the likes of Lenny Bruce. But listening to any Lenny Bruce album–a joy in my mind, albeit an often times challenging one–there wasn’t any loathing for his subjects. When he would riff on, say, words that were incendiary (f–k, s–t, n—-r, etc.), Bruce did so because he was tired of all the crap people had to go through because some words were considered dirty, and some held the power to reduce a man, woman, or child into feeling like less than a human being. For all his faults, Lenny Bruce cared deeply about his audience, and the world he lived in.

    Cohen shows no such concern in Borat, a film whose misanthropic tendencies soon grate after only a few minutes. If there’s a story it’s this: Borat comes to America to make a film for his homeland, falls in love with an image of Pam Anderson in Baywatch, and drives across the country, through the south, to find and marry her. Along the way, he gets to insult feminists, southern gentility, backwater rodeo fans, and, of course, Pam Anderson. If anything’s shocking, it’s the scene where Borat and his manager wrestle buck naked on a bed, and, to be honest, it’s disturbingly funny. But as for the rest of the film, it’s akin to, as I wrote in The Rake, throwing dynamite in a barrel of fish: southern bigots are just too easy. Would a bunch of New York liberals–like say, those that populated the Al Franken movie–have been welcoming to a man who offers his host of bag of feces and, later, a surprise visit from a black prostitute? Something tells me the answer is no, and that the results would be equally funny, but more damning. New York and L.A. emerge virtually unscathed, while frat boys, evangelical Christians, and the aforementioned rodeos and southerners get the skewer. And that’s just too damn easy.

    Death of a President, playing at the Oak Street, is a triumph of verisimilitude–that is, the filmmakers did a pretty damn good job of imagining the chaos and fear that would follow an assassination of George W. Bush. The problem isn’t that they get it right, it’s that they get it so right as to be tedious. They detail nearly every facet of this awful weekend in the future, including long shots of actual speeches and fictional foreign policy crises drains the life right out of the movie. Ask yourself: why would anyone want to listen to actual footage of Bush telling jokes about Chicago mayor Richard Daley, just because it’s been altered slightly to look as though it’s taking place in the future? We all know it’s not real, and a film like this needs to rise out of its context and include some actual hysteria (a woman who is one of Bush’s top speechwriters, and there with the First Lady when he dies, shows virtually no emotion), and maybe even humor, in order to get to the heart of what this would mean to us in real life. For a movie as controversial as Death of a President, it’s one of the least thought-provoking films you’ll find.

  • Why I'm not voting for Keith Ellison

    There are many answers to that, some of which I’ve already articulated, but I felt the need to do some more research. So I looked up the bills that Ellison introduced in the last session of the Minnesota Legislature.

    Many of them are innocuous. Most are well meaning. But the two that got me were this one and this one.

    The first would remove the state’s ability to revoke the driver’s license of a “dead beat dad” in order to pressure him to pay up, and the second would decriminalize making a false report of police brutality. The latter, in particular, is troubling, especially in light of another bill that he introduced which extensively spells out the affirmative obligation of a police officer to explain exactly why he may have stopped someone who is African American.

    I’m not the first to point these out, but they are right there for anyone who cares to look. To me, the two bills relating to civilian contact with police betray a world view that Ellison’s perceived constituency and the police are essentially at war with each other. That’s probably, unfortunately, very close to the truth.

    But, that world view doesn’t get us anywhere near where we ought to be going. It’s a hopeless view, in my opinion, and we should get more than that from our legislators.

  • Powdered or malaprop?

    Of course, the hottest tickets in town are for tonight’s Sankai Juku performance. (Got ’em! Check!) That is, of course, unless you’ve gone some to see my best friend Andrea over at the Jungle Theatre; it’s opening night for their production of The Rivals… This play being the famous etymological source of the world malapropism. In other words, all the MFAs and language geeks will go crazy for it. And the music geeks will too, since Andrea is such a fantastic singer! As is the rest of the cast, I’m sure.

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    There she is! Just look at that face! And that dress!

    I’m going to see The Rivals next weekend, and so you can’t accuse me of being a bad friend.

  • NYC Eatathon

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    the first order of business in nyc…

    I’m headed to New York this weekend for the marathon. No, not running, cheerleading. One of my Girls and her future sister-in-law will be huffin’and puffin’ while I, and the rest of the gang, stuff our faces with lox and try to find them in the crowd.

    It’s been interesting trying to figure out our eating patterns. We have to consider the size of our group (eight), the times we want to eat, the pre-marathon food, carbo/protein intake, and the fact that I need to eat at places that are worth the ticket and hotel cost.

    Dinner Friday is at Telepan, the new Upper West Side joint by Bill Telepan who used to cook at the JUdson Grille. His menu is simple but fresh and has a very reasonably priced tasting menu.

    Saturday is the harder day. I wanted to go “no reservations” at a couple of tapas bars: Boqueria or Tia Pol. But since it’s pre-race, I think the runners might want to eat early and turn in early, so I booked a couple of tables at the brand-spanking-new Cafe Cluny (much chit-chat in the food world about this one…). If the rest of us get hungry later, we’ll head to Momofuku Ssam Bar where they put out an innovative tasting menu after 10:30pm.

    Sunday morning, I think we’ll drop the runners off and breakfast at Balthazar with good strong coffee, good strong bread, and maybe a soft-boiled egg? After the run, I know the Girls will be craving a wide slice of which ever pizza is closest (I probably should indulge for the sake of commaraderie). Dinner will be at Morimoto in celebration of sake and sushi and girls who will be barely able to walk in heels.

  • Survivor

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    I’m the guy who walked out of the building and the building fell down.

    That’s certainly the sort of experience that’s going to stay with you, but I sure as hell never thought it would come to define me to such an extent.

    A close call like that is all it takes anymore to make a man a celebrity in America. I guess it bothers me, though, to think that might be it for me, that an accident, an utter fluke, might represent …what? My legacy? My entire life boiled down to one terrible moment?

    Because in that instant I became a career survivor, the most hapless sort of success story, a kind of superstar of random fate, almost, you’d think, a hero.

    You’ve probably see the video footage, the tape that was replayed thousands of times on the television news, a tape that was itself an accident, shot by a German tourist who was panning the square outside the building. It was purely happenstance. They had to blow the sequence up, of course, but there I unmistakably am, purportedly the last person to make it out of the building alive.

    I’ve just exited the revolving door in the west lobby, my briefcase dangling from one hand and the other arm swinging free of the entrance. I take three steps into the square and then duck instinctively, covering the back of my head with my right hand. And then, almost as if fleeing a crime in which I had some complicity or foreknowledge, I run, ambling like a drunk right into the inescapable arms of what now passes for history.