Category: Blog Post

  • Ruckert's Days As A Flotation Device

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    Ruckert told the doctor that he felt as if he had been thrown from a boat.

    The doctor asked if he thought he had the strength to swim.

    “Strength is not an issue,” Ruckert said. “It’s a matter of desire. Where would I swim to? I can see no land in any direction.”

    Did he feel, then, as if he were treading water or drowning? the doctor inquired.

    “No,” Ruckert said, and felt certain he was being truthful. “I feel as if I am floating. Despite the muddle I have been describing, I continue to sense that I am being borne by blessings and the most buoyant of mercies, and I believe for some unknown reason that I will eventually be carried to where I belong.”

    The doctor wondered if Ruckert didn’t perhaps feel some greater sense of personal responsibility for his fate, or at the very least recognize that some effort or work was called for.

    “Do you not realize,” Ruckert said, “what difficult work it is to float, and how taxing is the maintenance of even so simple and clumsy a faith?”

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  • Our health care is killing us

    I read a book by Twin Cities author Vince Flynn over the weekend called Term Limits. The book starts with the assassinations of four venal members of Congress. That didn’t surprise me so much as the reported sentiments of many of the characters of the book that killing four was a good start. I found it abhorrent, of course, that this would be acceptable, even in fiction.

    But, the more I thought of Tom Delay, Bill Frist, and hell, even Jim Oberstar’s packing of the pork barrel, I began to wonder less about the motivations of the fictional assassins and turned my attention to thinking how it is that we continue to elect these sorts of people who are not at all serious about the problems facing our country. It’s completely about how much pork can I bring home, and how much money can I raise to run re-election ads telling the people how scared they ought to be about the gay married terrorists.

    Forget global warming for a minute, the war were fighting in Iraq instead of against Al Qaida, the disaster in New Orleans, the Plame affair, and look at what’s happening here that government has the absolute power to fix.

    Northwest Airlines is in bankruptcy. General Motors is headed there. Wal-Mart is reviled even more than it deserves (and that’s a lot) when its measures to control its health care costs leak out.

    Clearly NWA and GM have been mismanaged for a long time. (A Japanese friend told me a long time ago the difference between GM and Toyota is that GM recruits the best MBAs and Toyota recruits the best engineers.) But the thing NWA, GM and Wal-Mart have in common is their increasing cost of providing health insurance for their workers–a cost that in every other industrialized nation falls on the government.

    Any first year college economics student can easily pin point what’s wrong with the American system of leaving health care in private hands. The health care companies spend huge amounts of money disqualifiying people from benefits. As I’m sure billionaire Bill McGuire of United Health Care can tell you, he didn’t get that way by taking care of sick people. In his defense, what business in its right mind would want to insure sick people? They just get sick, and that means you have to pay out instead of just collect premiums.

    Sure, you end up insuring some sick people when you insure the big groups, like Wal-Mart, GM and NWA, but you can raise premiums at will to take care of it. Actually insuring a big group is a much better deal, because the law of big numbers assure that you can always make a profit because you can calculate with astonishing accuracy what your odds are and set the prices accordingly. These guys are way better at that than Vegas.

    Of course, that leaves the working poor who don’t have benefits, the people who lose their jobs because they get sick, the old who don’t have jobs–in other words, all the people who are at risk for being sick–in the hands of the government. And that government doesn’t have anything effective in place to actually provide any preventative care. The sick just fall onto Medicaid and Medicare, which pays a fixed rate for services below market rate. And so the true costs just get shifted back to those who can pay, in the form of higher premiums.

    So, the poor get screwed. The middle class who pays for at least a portion of their own benefits get screwed…and hell, even the rich get screwed. Everybody gets screwed except Congress, which provides itself lifetime extensive benefits while they screw the rest of us.

    Maybe all those big corporation presidents who are seeing their own companies and workers sacrificed to the lobbyists will come to their senses one of these days and start putting some of their own health care dollars into lobbying Congress to straighten out this mess.

    I hope it doesn’t come to Vince Flynn’s proposed solution before then. But I won’t hold my breath. I’ll leave that to Flynn’s snipers.

  • The UN and France are coming for your internet

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    “Of course I’m running for President. I had my teeth fixed didn’t I?”

    The story in the Strib stopped short of explaining what exactly it was that the darn UN was trying to do when Coleman accused it of trying to take control of the internet. I’m sure it was an insidious attempt by the UN, as proxies for dictatorships who want to control the information their citizens have access to, to somehow have some say in what goes round the world in the form of the blogs, like this one, that are often so full of crap.

    But, as anyone who knows anything knows, that genie has been out of the bottle for a long time. The info is out there, and anyone with a computer and a modem can figure out a way to get to it. The only recourse for repressive governments is to monitor what it is that people are looking at, and, if the government doesn’t like it, throw you in jail.

    But, Annan has Coleman pegged perfectly. It’s all politics, and Coleman has again set up the UN as a straw man he can knock over. As Annan said, “this dog of an argument won’t bark.”

    But is Norm content with that? Would he, having been slapped by a rolled up newspaper, slink away like he should? No way.

    He piles on like this: “The challenge of what is being advocated by some threatens the free flow of information,” Coleman told a forum Thursday at the Heritage Foundation on Capitol Hill. “Do you want to be on the side of Zimbabwe, China, Iran? And I’ll throw France in there. Or do you want to be on our side? That’s an easy question.”

    I bet that got a big round of applause from the open minded storm troopers at the Heritage Foundation.

    Once when asked what she thought of a particularly xenophobic pronouncement from Pat Buchanan, Molly Ivins replied, “I preferred it in the original German.”

    You’re the one who brought up Munich, Norm. You should be careful about the internet. When it’s out there for all to see how baldly ambitious you are, you might want to just keep smiling and shut up.

  • Meeting Mr. Mercy

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    For several months I had been staring at the words written in a square on the otherwise blank calendar on my kitchen wall: Meeting Mr. Mercy.

    I had scheduled this meeting back in the late spring, and only after a series of mysterious phone calls and false starts. Most of the phone calls would come late at night, from an area code and a phone number that I was later able to trace to a Wal-Mart calling card and a computerized phone bank in Atlanta.

    The voice on the other end of the line was always the same, and seemed to belong to an older woman; if I had to guess at an approximate age I suppose I would have said mid- to late-fifties. There was something I wanted to describe as tremulous in the voice, despite which I would characterize it as nothing if not business-like.

    Mr. Mercy, I was told, would see me at his convenience, yet his convenience was a complicated business, as one might well imagine. There were a great many demands on his time, and he did a good deal of traveling in his line of work. He would, the woman assured me, do whatever he could to make our meeting as logistically convenient for me as possible, but I was also warned that I should be prepared to travel.

    I was, of course, fully prepared to travel, anxious as I had long been for a meeting with Mr. Mercy. This was good, the woman said; flexibility on my part would ensure that the meeting went as smoothly as possible, and even so there was always the chance of some unforeseen complication at the last minute.

    And so it was that I eventually found myself stepping from a Greyhound bus on a bitter and unseasonably cold night in late autumn. I had traveled for more than twenty-four hours to the modest town in Pennsylvania where I was to meet Mr. Mercy.

    It had taken me, as I said, many months of rather complicated wrangling to arrange this meeting, and I had made the trip at considerable expense and inconvenience to my personal and professional life. I had heard things, certainly, rumors that had over time almost assumed the proportions of myth, yet I still had no real idea what to expect from my visit. I had been explicitly informed that so far as the intercession of Mr. Mercy was concerned there were absolutely no guarantees. It was entirely possible, his intermediary had told me during our last telephone conversation, that even having made the long trek to Pennsylvania I might still be denied an audience with Mr. Mercy. He might well be indisposed, or otherwise occupied with business of far greater import than what the voice on the other end of the line had called my own “rather insignificant concerns.” He could also, I was led to understand, be called away on a moment’s notice. Mr. Mercy did a great deal of urgent traveling and –I was once again reminded– he was a busy man and mine was “a minor case.”

    Even now I am not entirely sure what I was expecting from Mr. Mercy, but I can tell you that I wasn’t expecting him to be either so corpulent or so ornery. Perhaps I simply encountered him at a particularly harried time. The holidays were looming, and I had to imagine that the man was under a great deal of pressure at that time of the year.

    I had walked from the bus station to the agreed upon assignation, an old-fashioned dining car perched at the edge of the moldering downtown. I don’t suppose the town itself –the identity of which I was sworn not to disclose– had more than 10,000 residents, and I’d never heard of the place.

    An additional condition of the meeting stipulated that Mr. Mercy would only consent to an audience between the hours of one and four a.m. Supplications, his assistant had told me, tended to be clearer and despair most concentrated during those early hours of the morning, and Mr. Mercy was “something of a night owl.” Surely, I was asked, I had heard of the “dark night of the soul”?

    I found the diner virtually abandoned. There was a clearly inebriated and bickering younger couple at the counter, and the rotund man I rightfully surmised to be Mr. Mercy was seated alone in a booth at the back, where he was hunched intently over a plate of meat loaf and mashed potatoes, as well as a basket of French fries almost completely obscured under a liberal application of catsup.

    “Mr. Mercy?” I asked tentatively as I stood before him. He presented an imposing and rather unattractive spectacle, crowded as he was into the booth, his girth straining against the tabletop.

    He gestured with his fork without looking up. “Sit down,” he said, “and state your business.”

    There was a brief and awkward moment of silence while I tried to compose myself and find the words I had been rehearsing in my head for many months.

    “You’ll understand, I know, that I am a busy man,” Mr. Mercy said. “I must also warn you that I am seldom in the mood for small talk. Please state quickly and clearly the nature of the mercy you seek.”

    I was exhausted from the long bus trip and rubbed my temples with my hands. When I looked up I found Mr. Mercy glowering at me across the table.

    “Please, sir,” he said. “I am warning you. You have had, I should think, more than sufficient time to prepare for this meeting. I have limited time and patience for cat-and-mouse games, and I am not a mind reader.”

    I looked into Mr. Mercy’s florid face. A napkin was tucked into the collar of his shirt, despite which gravy glistened in the deep creases of his jowls and there were beads of perspiration on his forehead. In contemplating this unappetizing spectacle I found my resolve.

    “I have come, Mr. Mercy, to ask you to leave your wife,” I said.

    The man looked as if he had been struck. He stared at me incredulously, his knife and fork poised in mid-air.

    “You cannot be serious,” he eventually said. “What could you possibly know of the woman in question or of our great happiness together?”

    “I have known your wife for a very long time,” I told him. “We lived together in a forest long, long ago. You will almost certainly make her life very miserable.”

    “This is preposterous,” Mr. Mercy said. “And nothing could be further from the truth. Did you convey this information to my assistant? I am certain you did not, or this meeting would never have taken place. Let me assure you that my lovely wife is the apple of my eye and a constant source of pleasure. She is, I feel certain, the reward I have been given for my years of selfless service to humanity.”

    “You cannot make her happy,” I said. “She deserves better.”

    Mr. Mercy jabbed at me across the table with his knife.

    Deserves better? Deserves better than Mr. Mercy?” he said. “You, sir, are an impudent scoundrel! And I demand that you take your leave at once. Are you forgetting whom you are addressing? If I cannot give that divine woman the happiness she deserves then there is not a man alive who can. How dare you confront me with this nonsense!”

    With great effort Mr. Mercy had risen halfway to his feet and was lunging at me with his butter knife. In a spasm of rage he hurled the remainder of his meatloaf dinner and struck me square in the chest. Several large and clearly menacing characters had materialized at our table and I was wrestled from the booth, dragged to the doorway, and flung out into the cold morning.

    When I finally managed to regain my feet and dust myself off I pressed my face to the glass of the doorway and was unsurprised to discover that no one remained in the diner but the oblivious and bickering couple at the counter.

    The booth in the back was now entirely empty. The table, in fact, had already been cleared, and there was no evidence whatsoever that Mr. Mercy had ever been there at all.

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  • The Malliest Mall Of Them All

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    First I worked in this place in the Food Court that sold French fries and pretzels, for this Vietnamese guy who called himself Jose. Then I moved down another floor and worked at this place that sold nothing but total shit –no vision, none whatsoever: Rattling plastic frogs that croaked and paddled about in a tank of water, incense, big, hideous rugs with pictures of polar bears and lions and Bob Marley, and lousy Green Bay Packers stuff. Then it was on to a shell place where honest to God I once worked an eight-hour shift and never had one person set foot in the door, not even any of the Japanese or the old people from South Dakota. All day long I had to listen to CDs that had like harps and the sounds of waves and some other irritating noise that I think was supposed to be the shrieking of whales but that mostly sounded like seals being clubbed to death. That got fucking old in a hurry so I got a job at a place that sold nothing but lava lamps and Star Wars shit and Bill Clinton masks. Then there was a candle place that reeked so bad that my allergies acted up and I couldn’t get through the day without guzzling an entire bottle of Nyquil and sneaking one-hitters in the bathroom.

    I did have some standards, I guess. I never sold shoes or worked at the NASCAR place.

    I eventually ended up in a cheesy little religious kiosk where I sat there on a stool and did wordsearch puzzles and read Heavy Metal magazines while the Jesus plaques, crosses, and Bible verse bookmarks gathered dust.

    That was pretty much it for me and retail. I’m a graphic designer now.

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  • Fraters knee RT right in his dignity

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    You guys were supposed to catch me

    Their Latin sucks, but I have to hand it to Fraters Libertas for at least having a sense of humor to go with their conservative outlook.

    It seems RT hurt himself jumping from a Gay Pride float in last summer’s parade and the Fraters (or Fratres, if you actually know Latin) couldn’t resist the obvious joke.

    Today’s post, It’s Raining Men, is pretty funny, in an RT-phobic sort of way.

    Anyway, you have to admit R.T. left himself wide open for it…so to speak.

    si valetis, ego valeo, fratres.

  • This is not technically about Kersten

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    “Todd is the youngest and most impressionable member of the happy Flanders clan”

    I swore off writing about Kersten yesterday. I just got around to remembering the old proverb that goes something like “The only person more foolish than a fool is someone who argues with a fool.” So, this column is not about Kersten, it’s about her defenders, (although I’m not sure that exempts me from the “more foolish” category.)

    Today (hell, every day) the Strib editors scramble to find a way to justify their publishing of her drivel. Today they publish a letter from a high school student–a high school student, for God’s sake–in defense of their idiotic decision to continue to publish nonsense.

    The argument this student puts forth is that “liberals” scream louder than conservatives. Yeah, and we have more rhythm, too.

    But that’s not the worst. The worst was the “Letter of the Day” from Todd Flanders. First, having letters from Simpsons’ characters is bad enough, but letting him get away with equating conservative think tanks with legitimate universities is inexcusable. The unchallenged assertion that such think tank “scholars” work there because they can’t get jobs at liberal dominated universities is unsupported by anything other than conservative assertion, which I guess doesn’t differentiate it much from what the think tanks themselves turn out.

    Anyone who does a modicum of research can easily find out that “think tanks” funded by conservative groups are bald faced attempts to pass off junk science as the underpinnings of conservative economic and social dogma. There’s no peer review of their findings, no checks to what they’re shoveling. They just take the money and publish what’s expected. They count on the public, and the editors of the Strib, evidently, to not know the difference. And so far they’re getting away with it.

    That’s how we get Intelligent Design, Supply Side Economics, The Bell Curve, Social Security Reform, Gays as Destroyers of the Social Fabric, and the impending end of Public Education. And that’s how we get Katherine Kersten and a major metropolitan newspaper full of uncritical tripe published in the name of balance.

  • Why Don't We Do It in the South Atlantic?

    Yesterday was the 154th anniversary of Moby Dick. It was published first in Great Britain, then in the U.S. on November 14th, 1851. Longtime readers of this little cereal-box side-panel will recall my month-long rereading last year of what I still think is the best American novel, although I freely confess a fetish for long passages of baroque Victorian prose–and Melville’s style is so different from the moderns (from Twain to Hemingway and Faulkner) that comparing them does violence to both. Still, a sympathetic reader will see a lot of modernity in Moby-Dick, particularly the easy shift from dramatic narrative to pedantic philosophy and didactic science. The allegorical qualities of Moby-Dick (chasing that White Whale–truth–to the death of the Pequod–the world) may be what make it timeless in the literary syllabus. But as far as sailing stories, it also ranks among the best. It’s not a genre I know fabulously well, but Conrad’s “Typhoon” figures promininetly as a post-industrial interpretation, as does Gore Vidal’s “Williwa” (that author’s very first novel).

    Moby Dick did not do well in its initial printing. The standard line of thought is that the publisher accidentally left out the epiologue in the British edition–that’s the final chapter that explains how the narrator of the story managed to survive the wreck of the Pequod to tell the story. This supposedly led to bad critical reviews which negatively affected American readers. I have my doubts about that sort of reduction, but it is intriguing to think about how Anglo-centric the publishing world still was, eighty years after the Revolutionary War. If you read the allegedy negative contemporary reviews of Moby Dick, it becomes clear that Melville was a sort of reverse Beatles of his time. An American rock star storming the shores of Olde World, and this was his misunderstood White Album. Coincidentally, the book announced and recorded for posterity the moment when American commercial shipping surpassed the Brits, the Dutch, and even the Norwegians.

  • The Lost Book Of Lamentations

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    The magic that gleams an instant between Argos and Odysseus is both the recognition of diversity and the need for affection across the illusions of form.

    Loren Eiseley, The Unexpected Universe

    Seven times the Bull of Divine Undoing brought down disaster and calamity on the Hamlet of the Unbelievers, and each time, spasmed by their grief and loss the Infidels turned once more their broken teeth to God in pitiful supplication and issued forth cries and pleadings that were as the sound of nothing to the ears of the Creator.

    Seven times the villagers dispossessed by the Bull of Divine Undoing ran hither and yon in the ruins of what had been their streets and their homes, and upon each visitation of wrath their fits of lamentation grew louder and more hoarse with accusation. On each occasion the Almighty proved ever more resolute in His indifference to their suffering, and ever more impervious to the roar of their indignant bawling.

    Eventually, after an interval of confused bereavement, the impious citizens of that cursed town would rebuild once again and pray for deliverance from another trodding.

    And God in His heaven was disinclined to trust their avowals of repentance and humility, so accustomed had He grown to their wanton and hypocritical ways. Yet He also had grown weary of playing the role of the Vengeful God, so one fine day in the late spring He led the Bull of Divine Undoing into a valley deep in the mountains and there gave the beast its freedom.

    To the villagers He then sent, rather than wrath, deliverance in the form of dogs, that the sinners might learn at last the lessons of loyalty and love.

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  • Mommy, those bloggers called me a Catholic

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    If you’ll believe this stuff is edible, I’ve got a columnist I want you to read.

    It would be tough to pick the most idiotic version of a Katherine Kersten column, but today’s certainly has to be in the running. KK’s unhappy that people are attacking her for extolling the religious types who hate gays.

    You can read it for yourself, if you have a strong stomach. If you really have a strong stomach, you can read Kate Parry’s defense of her from yesterday.

    Well, I’ve got news for KK, Parry, and Gyllenhall: what pisses people off about Kersten is not what she says. Hell, I read the Wall Street Journal’s editorial page, and if I can take that, conservative speech must not be what sets me off. What rankles about Kersten is SHE’S INTELLECTUALLY DISHONEST.

    She makes assertions she can’t back up, answers criticism with ad hominem defenses, and rouses rabble just to instill fear in the morons who eat what she shovels. (BTW, here’s a good analysis of some of her shortcomings.)

    Those who provide her with that shovel should be ashamed. Kate and Anders, the reason for your job is to provide truth, not so called “balance”. Having Kersten balance out people like Nick Coleman, who can actually think, is a continuing insult to your readers. Besides, I never realized the paper was supposed to be a teeter-totter.

    Besides, if you got rid of her, think of those extra column inches you could devote to scintillating send ups of lutefisk–now that’s journalism.