Happy Fun Friday: Hamas Edition

As snowbirds throughout the southern half of the country
point and laugh maniacally at the spawn they left behind in this wintry
hell known as Minnesota,
we turn our attention to warmer climes. No, not Eldorado, Texas,
where, until recently, polygamy was alive and far
too pug fucking ugly and insecure to land anything but a harem full of nigh-prepubescent
brides. Nor France,
where President Nicolas Sarkozy enjoys the $91,000
view every morning on his way to do battle with
pirates.

No, the warmer climes in question are those of the promised
land. While Iraqi insurgents and terrorist groups are promising upstarts in the
world of suicide vests and improvised explosives, Hamas – the original
jihadists – throw 72
virgin parties like no others. What’s more, the promise of such a party is quickly
becoming the gold standard for sex ed in Gaza
schools, where Hamas has complete control of public services – including the
education system. While elsewhere in the Palestinian territories, as well as
other countries in the Muslim world, children get an education grounded in
science, math, and reading, kids in Gaza
get the extremist full-court press.

So this Happy Fun Friday, gentle reader, I bring you the virtual
experience of a Gaza schoolboy, happily practicing suicide runs and being
indoctrinated in the nonsensical ways of the martyr whilst Israeli attack
choppers hover overhead and ground forces "engage targets of opportunity". But
best of all kids, race home to beat curfew, pour yourself a big bowl of cereal
and plant yourself on the couch to Tomorrow’s Pioneers – award-winning Hamas
programming that teaches children the beauty of martyrdom. When Elmo blew himself up for
the glory of Allah I was moved to tears.

Of course, I’m sure when these kids grow up, they’ll see
that the Western world actually wants nothing but the best for them and won’t
remember anything the Dane devouring bunny taught them. But hell, the Israelis are embedding
psychotropic drugs in latkes to ensure their children grow up to be killing machines,
so fair is fair.