It was the commercials that first made me suspicious. My local cable conglomerate began running ads intended to remind me of two things: Satellite TV is crap, and I am extremely happy with my cable service. The only thing missing from the commercials was someone swinging a pocket watch in front of my eyes, exhorting me to become “verrrrrrry sleeeepy.”
Then, about a week later, I discovered my monthly cable bill had suddenly gone up 10 bucks. Coincidence? I don’t think so. Now. Getting a straight answer on why my cable service was going up is like getting Bush to explain why he’s going after Saddam Hussein when bin Laden is currently making infomercials for al-Jazeera. What exactly was I paying for? Though this cable giant boasted cutting-edge technology, something as simple as channel surfing was a nightmare. Each digital channel took what felt like two weeks to change from one station…to the next…to the next. By the time I reached HBO, my fingernails had grown a quarter-inch. And while they promised a virtual cornucopia of channels, 40 percent featured either home-shopping or preachers reminding me how I’ll probably end up in H-E-double-hockey-sticks. But perhaps worst of all—and even though science has enabled us to peer into the outer reaches of the universe—when I tried to record one channel while watching another… cable was unable. That’s when I discovered satellite TiVo.
Actually, I discovered TiVo at least a year ago, but the last thing I needed was another bill which refused to be paid on time. Still it was intriguing. For a nominal price each month, TiVo would digitally record up to 80 hours of beautiful, uplifting shows like Am I Hot? or Man vs. Beast or any of those Look How Crazy Michael Jackson Is! specials. And using the phone line, TiVo would also download a complete grid of upcoming television shows, which would completely negate the need to read TV Guide on the toilet—but we’ll just call that a minor design flaw.
However, and perhaps most astonishingly, TiVo allows you to warp time and space itself. It sounds impossible, but it’s true: TiVo allows you to pause live television. It also allows you to rewind live television, and then it allows you to catch up with live television.
Allow me to illustrate. Let’s say you’re watching the opening moments of Alias. Secret agent Sydney Bristow (played by the hotsy-totsy Jennifer Garner) steps out wearing a black bra and panty set from Victoria’s Secret while carrying a riding crop. PAUSE!! PAUSE!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PAUSE!!! With a quick click of the “pause” button, the action is stopped, and you are able to bask in the voluminous booty-liciousness of Jennifer Garner in her underpants. Now while the men among you would undoubtedly use this time to, er, applaud, I would choose to further heighten my revelry by using TiVo to continue the action—but in frame-by-frame SLOOOOW… MOOOTION. I back her up. I push her forward. I back her up. I push her forward… and behold. TiVo has turned Jennifer Garner into my own personal hoochie mama! Then I applaud.
But! After I applaud, I remember there’s the rest of the show to watch, and possibly other opportunities to applaud. So I press play, and the show continues. Whizzing past the commercials, I eventually catch up to what the “real-time” Jennifer is currently doing in the show. Then, after Alias reaches its conclusion, I rewind back to the scene with Jennifer in her underpants, and once again, applaud.
“But wait!” you cry. “This just sounds like a fancy-pants VCR designed for people who like to applaud.” This is true, and yet there is more. Unlike a VCR which is dumb and stupid, the TiVo has a computer brain which makes it smart and neat. Let’s say you’re a fan of that blood-sucking Buffy spin-off, Angel. As you know, they’re constantly frustrating viewers by moving it from Tuesday to Monday to Sunday to Wednesday to… did I leave out a day? But with TiVo, you can schedule what they call a “Season Pass.” This tells the machine to record Angel no matter what crazy day or time it comes on—whether you remember or not. And if you like, it can even skip over the repeats! You can also program in a “Wish List.” Say you want to see any TV show or movie starring Jennifer Garner (preferably in her underpants). Simply type in her name, and even if the show comes on at 3 a.m., your TiVo will automatically find and record Jennifer Garner: The Underpants Years. Mind-blowing, no?
And yet, when I first saw this wondrous machine that would one day expose me to the new and amazingly varied world of Jennifer Garner’s underpants—I remained unconvinced. After all, what good is a TiVo when you’re stuck with a cable system that won’t allow you to watch The Many Underpants of Jennifer Garner while taping Jenny G’s Underpants Party Tonight?
Then I saw the commercial. And in the commercial was a man hurling his useless satellite dish into a garbage can. This is when I said, “Now there is a cable company with something to hide.” After some quick research, I discovered that not only would it be substantially cheaper to get digital satellite television, I would be getting a plethora of additional channels. But here’s the real selling point: By purchasing a very reasonably priced combination TiVo/Satellite receiver (about $300, plus $40 per month subscription), I would not only receive tons of new channels, but with TiVo I could watch one show and record another simultaneously! FINALLY! Frankly, I was so happy I almost applauded in my pants. But then? I also learned I could record TWO channels while watching another show that was already previously recorded! And that, my friends, is when I actually applauded in my pants.
Since then, life has been a freaking dream. No more searching endlessly through crappy videotapes for an episode my VCR neglected to record. No more fighting with the wife over whether to watch the French art film, La Culotte de Jennifer Garner, or her choice, Brad Pitt Strutting Around in a Leopard Print Thong. I watch what I want, when I want, and it was satellite TiVo that freed me from the insidious shackles of my cable-imposed prison.
But I must admit, I would still be imprisoned without the assistance of my local cable conglomerate and their anti-satellite commercials. So thanks a lot, you guys. I never would’ve fired your ass without them.
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