Lady Remington

I conducted a little poll among the usual crowd—meaning Ben, Pete, and Don. I asked them what they thought about the body-hair issue. I was gratified by the wide variety of answers I got. (OK, here’s your mixed-metaphor alert: Buckle up, we’re going for broke on this one.) Pete says his wife likes a completely clean slate, and he likes it that way too. Don says his current girlfriend sports a “landing strip,” but he’s actually got a kink for wall-to-wall carpet.

I have to admit that my own taste is bizarre. I won’t try to excuse it or explain it, but I like hairy underarms and bare bottoms. There is obviously much disagreement on the subject. There are plenty of women who feel that shaving or waxing is not only a pain, it’s morally suspect. Their thinking goes like this: If you want your woman in any state but the natural one, you’re probably a closeted pedophile. The suggestion is that if you get turned on by hairlessness, you’re actually fantasizing about prepubescent Lolita. (Women who, without male influence, prefer to be clean-shaven have either bought into the misogynist myth of beauty, or they have some neurotic “cleanliness” issue.)

Now that’s a pretty extreme view. Are all men supposed to grow beards, because that’s our “natural state”? Because your hubby shaves every morning, do you have a fetish for preteen boys? I doubt it, and you can see where I’m going with this. The less extreme view says that men are trained by looking at porn to want Cupid’s cupboard to be bare. My view is that you should do whatever turns you on and stop apologizing or feeling guilty about it, unless you’re breaking the law. Enlightened women dress well and wear makeup not to support the hegemony of a sexist paternalism, but because it makes them feel good. Sometimes feeling good means feeling bare.

Just as an aside, I have to point out that science is no help on the matter. There is a wide variety of views among biologists and evolutionists as to the origin and purpose of body hair. The natural assumption is that since we evolved from primates, these parts of our bodies are further behind than the rest. Though there is no consensus as to what role body hair plays, there are actually some theories abroad that it is strictly for sexual purposes (it marks the target, it retains pheromones, it signals biological readiness for mating).

We all talk about waxing, shaving, and trimming when it comes to women—but what about men? I haven’t checked into the latest generation of men’s spas, but I’d bet there is plenty of waxing going on, and not just for back hair. Still, it’s not something we talk about.

A few years ago, I happened to be at the gym with Don, and in the flash between boxers and swim trunks, I noticed he keeps things pretty trim below deck. (At the time, he was dating a woman who was obsessed with getting a piercing down below the Mason-Dixon line, so there was some adventurousness already happening in the boudoir.) I was impressed, though I didn’t say anything. There’s something inherently feminine about a guy looking after his garden, and since then I’ve asked Don about this. He says in certain mixed company, more manly men automatically assume he’s gay and sometimes give him a hard time about it.

For men, keeping trim is an interesting exercise in empathy. You do it for yourself and your lover, and no one else. You may even try to hide it from the guys. Unfortunately, most men don’t make any effort, though they secretly expect it of their wives. Seems to me that one of the reasons Queer Eye for the Straight Guy is such a hit is that it taps into the vast pent-up reservoir of straight-male vanity. Regular guys have been neglecting their hygiene and looks for decades.

Ladies, how do you like your men? I realize variety is the spice of life. Some women like burly football-players, some like ’em hairy, some like ’em boyishly bald. My precious and I like a clean work area. Recently, I’ve enjoyed taking it all off down there, and she seems to like it too. Razor burn is always a problem, but we’ve got our secret formula. Three words: Magic Shave Powder. This stuff is a chemical depilatory supposedly designed for the beards of black men, but women have been on to it for years. What the hell, guys, give it a try. Like the barber always told you, it’ll grow back. You’ve got nothing to lose but your inhibitions.