What Can You Do For Brown?

Katy is very proud of her pair of UPS brown socks. She bugged the UPS guy continually to bring her a catalog of all the UPS clothes she could order. Even after weeks of pestering, he never came through with this alleged catalog. One day, however, he handed her a brand new pair of heavyweight socks with the gold UPS logo embroidered on the cuff. When she asked how much she owed him, he replied hastily, “Forget about it,” and sped away in his square truck. Perhaps they were “hush socks” to stop her from asking about how she could get a UPS uniform.

Who wouldn’t want one of those pairs of UPS shorts to impress their friends? More certain than the first appearance of milfoil in Lake Harriet, all the UPS, USPS, and Fed Ex carriers show up one day in short-sleeved shirts, short pants, and those color-coordinated socks. Do they all decide at the same time when summer has begun?

I queried Mark, the UPS man who comes to my office, about these mysterious-yet-casual uniforms. He appeared relaxed—perhaps a little too relaxed—when he responded. “We can pull out our shorts anytime. There’s even a UPS guy in the skyways who wears them all year round.” Do they have a dress code? “Oh yeah, we always have to wear our uniform every day. UPS gives us our five uniforms, one for each day of the week.” Doesn’t that make for a lot of laundry? “They wash our uniforms and even mend them when they have holes. We only have to buy our socks and shoes.” Aha! Finally we’re getting somewhere.

Before I could ask Bob if he got tired of wearing brown and if they let him bring his uniforms home, he dashed out the door. (They always seem to be in such a rush.)

I soon learned the reason for the secretiveness surrounding the man in brown. A rumor spread across the Internet a few months ago that UPS trucks had been stolen and a large quantity ($32,000 worth, supposedly) of UPS uniforms had been purchased on the Internet auction site eBay by Al Qaeda terrorists hoping to use them as disguises to enter office buildings.

My regular mailman, Denny, had more time to chat, so I asked him if United States Postal Service regulations were as strict. “They give us an allotment every year of about $300 and have all sorts of catalogs of clothes you can buy,” he replied. “I usually order my uniforms off the Internet, though, just because it’s so cheap. When postal carriers retire, they usually just donate their old clothes. That’s where I picked up these shorts. They have holes in the pockets, but I don’t care.” Apparently his dress code isn’t super-rigid, since Denny also prefers to spice up his wardrobe with a Harley-Davidson headband.

In any case, the urban myth of terrorists posing as UPS carriers was debunked. UPS spokesperson Kristen Petrella said, “Totally untrue, 110 percent false, no substance. UPS does not condone the sale of its uniforms and we do investigate any reports of unauthorized use.” With the one exception of UPS socks. Perhaps socks were deemed not enough of a uniform to fool anybody.—Eric Dregni