Desert Island Duffel

Don’t ever let anybody tell you that fabulousness can’t be found in the first-tier suburbs. Since her cabaret debut in 1996, the former beauty queen and current post-office switchboard operator known as Miss Richfield 1981 has been wowing audiences with her combination of civic boosterism and flamboyant fashion sense. (Sometimes she answers to the name Russ King, who really did graduate from Richfield High in 1981.) Besides her frequent local shows, Minnesota’s answer to Dame Edna has branched out nationally over the past couple of years, including a regular gig on the Atlantis cruise line, where she calls bingo and helps promote the Richfield-area business community to tourists visiting Cancún. She’ll regale us with tales of her travels at her annual holiday show, playing through December 20 at the Illusion Theater. Fall on Your Knees’ fifth outing will be a familiar mix of old and new comedy bits, hilariously mangled carols, and plenty of good-natured teasing of the audience, accompanied by pianist Todd Price and dancers Megan McClellan and Brian Sostek, whose show Trick Boxing has been a hit on the national fringe-festival circuit. Knowing she’s had some recent experience on boats, we asked the divine Miss R. to play our monthly what-if game and tell us what five items she’d take along if she wound up stranded somewhere far off the cruise ship’s trajectory. We’re not entirely sure that she quite understood what “marooned” meant—though unfailingly cheerful, she does tend to live in a world of her own—but she answered with the aplomb you’d expect of a pageant finalist.

1. Stamps, so I can send postcards back home. [But you know there aren’t any mailmen where you’d be, right? –Ed.] Yes, but I have faith in the U.S. Postal Service to deliver anywhere, even deserted islands.

2. My Miss Richfield 1981 sash, crown, and tiara, just in case there are any formal occasions or parades.

3. Hot rollers—even though we’re going to be alone, we still look our best at all times!

4. A mirror, so I’ll have someone to talk to.

5. My purse, with all the usual items I carry in it: lipstick, nylons, Pamprin, Sanka, lighter fluid, a signal flare, a shortwave radio, and duct tape.