End of Discussion

It’s not just women, of course; it takes two not to tango. So why do married couples have such a hard time talking about sex? Part of the problem, I realize now, is that women are uncomfortable talking about sex apart from all the other things that go into a relationship. Men have an easier time talking about strict issues of plumbing. Women, on the other hand, go Def-Con Five without a lot of stage setting and context- framing and handholding. We sensitive males know how to jump through these hoops. But we often choose not to, because it makes a simple conversation with your loved one so much more work than it ought to be. (There’s an obvious parallel there having to do with foreplay, but never mind.)

This is something I’ve learned through hard experience with this column. Most men enjoy reading it, most women do not. (Though I note that angry women are much more loyal readers than amused men. I assume the women like to get mad at me. All I can say is that if this is your kind of thing, you really ought to listen to Tom Barnard for thirty seconds on any given morning, you’ll have enough rage to keep you titillated for a lifetime.) As I’ve pursued conversations with the incensed women in my life, I realize that ninety percent of the time they think I’m “objectifying women.” By which they mean I am not talking about something other than their bodies. This is undoubtedly true, given the title of this column.

Sex is a lot of things to a lot of people, of course. But generally, can’t we agree that the single common thread in all of it is that it’s a physical thing, involving the interaction and reaction of bodies that are attracted to one another? In some ways, I think this whole line of thinking—the “objectifying women” argument— is hogwash. Speaking philosophically, it accepts the traditional Cartesian distinction between mind and body, and then discredits the body as a lower stratum of being. The mind, the soul, the spirit—these are what distinguish us from animals. Our bodies, on the other hand, are dirty. Our physical impulses and appetites are hollow at best, and wicked at worst. If that’s the way you see the body, and sexuality, then I can see why women get upset. I just think the premise is wrong. Why not enjoy the gifts of sensuality? Why not revel in bodily pleasure—with or without a higher purpose? Why get so pissed off at your humble, male sex columnist? Funny that no one complains to The Rake’s food columnist that she objectifies eaters by reducing them to nothing but their tongues. Maybe they do, but I doubt it. [They don’t.—Editors.]

There was an interesting study recently. A university in Israel developed a software program that could determine what the gender of a text’s writer is. The program is amazingly accurate. We writers are childish and egocentric maniacs who want our names in lights, so it’s not like there’s a widespread problem identifying whoever wrote that fabulous review of Guided By Voices or Jonathan Lethem. But what the study did prove is that women and men use language differently. Very differently. It seems that men essentially talk about objects. Women talk about relationships.

Actually, marketers have been on to this for decades. They know that women tend to prefer advertisements that are emotional, that establish relationships between people. (This sounds like a stereotype, and it is. Most stereotypes exist because they have some basis in fact.) So anyway, my point is this: Women have a very hard time talking about anything in isolation and without emotion. It is not possible for women to talk about sex the way men do, at least not without blowing a gasket.

Pete wants to buy his wife a sex toy, but she does not want one and will not discuss it. Don asked his girlfriend if she’d like to have a little shaving party in the bathtub, and she couldn’t believe he would ask her such a thing, end of discussion. Ben is dying for a change of position, but his wife thinks the suggestion itself is misogynist. If the basic problem with sex and the married man is that we are entrenched in the same old patterns, the same old positions, how can we ever break out and make sex exciting for both of us again—if you ladies won’t talk about it? If married men agree to talk about all the other aspects of our wonderful relationship, will you finally loosen up a little?