Name: Jerry
Color: Off-white
Habitat: Though he’s been spotted as far south as
New Mexico, as far east as Vietnam, and as far north as the Arctic Circle, the Abominable Snowman spends most of his leisure time in rural Wyoming. But when he wants to go on a real bender, he frequents the taverns and hotel bars of downtown Winnipeg.
Diet: Deer feces. Also Funyons and wild blueberries.
Preferred clothing: A loincloth. It’s actually a leather apron. Okay, it’s a saddlebag he stole from a Harley outside of Boise, Idaho. It protects his “little snowman.” He also wears an old burlap tuxedo to galas and awards ceremonies.
Is he made of snow? Nope. Flesh and blood. Fur. Filthy fangs. Ears like an old science teacher.
Is he related to BigFoot? No. Bigfoot isn’t real.
Just how big is he? Ten feet? Two tons?
The Abominable Snowman weighs about 475 pounds.
And he is five foot seven. Crazy, huh?
How fast is he? In 1963, he could run 30 miles per hour for roughly one city block. He gets side aches.
Will he attack humans? Probably not. He’s real O.C.D. about poring over census figures, studying local law enforcement, quick getaways. He almost never acts on his fantasies anymore. He also has a pretty successful (nonviolent) chimney sweep operation. He hasn’t converged on a town and mangled people for about fifteen years.
Does he have an opinion of the Loch Ness Monster?
“Total drag queen.”
Where does he sleep? An old canoe. It’s been insulated
and wired for cable.
Misc. Facts: Allergic to penicillin. Frightened of bears. Hated Night Court but still creeps up on rural cabins at night and peers in the window, hoping to find reruns on television.
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