Why I Name My Cars

Gina L: A chassis shape we can appreciate

It occured to me yesterday while reading a vapid article on the merits of “Post Modern Girlfriend” (I don’t believe it was in The Rake, but alas I myself suffer from vapidity often.) why I hate many recent BMWs.

I have always understood “post modern thought” to eschew the past–including antiquated things like human emotion, sensuality and the like. For example, if these are the qualities of Post Modern girl, then I am a eunuch. And if these are the qualities of modern BMWs (which I believe they are), then I am turning Japanese for good (they only cars worth buying in the long run.)

Let me explain. (I say that frequently.)

“Hit with a Bangle stick” is the frequent nomeclature for the recent BMWs designed by Chris Bangle (and his Dutch sidekick.). I once had a Dutch Art Director work for me. He found my Midwestern attachment to voluptuous Swedish lovelies (wife, mom, etc.) and the beauty of the sunsets on Lake Superior outdated. Most of all he simply could not understand my emtional attachment to cars.

To Coert (and I don’t think I am embarassing him) the automobile was a transportation appliance. He appreciated the odd design flourish in all his appliances (insisted on a Krups coffemaker that never worked,) but would never anthropomorphize his car. (My car–an Alfa Romeo–was called Gina after Gina Lollobrigida–an Alpha.)

This may explain his fondness for East German swimmers.

To me it also explains what PoMo designers like Bangle and his coetrie of Dutch acolytes are trying to do with automotive design. I believe they are attempting to sever any emotional attachment to one’s car and replace it with a cool appreciation for the logic of form.

This is why they are fond of talking about “flame surfacing” and other odd things that are designed to capture bend and bounce light off, say, the hood of the Z4 convertible without giving any thought to how it makes someone actually feel.

I for one have been and will always be more attracted to the shape of a chassis than shine of its door handles. That is why Ferraris will always sell, Sophia Loren will always be sexy and automotive designers that woship the PoMo will lack the mojo to make it past the first design cycle–and art directors past their first dates.