The Very Serious Incident of the Gift Basket

It was last year when the UPS man left the box by our front door. As always, when unexpected boxes arrive, there was excitement and a flurry of dancing about the foyer. Upon quick and furious destruction of the box, we discovered a gift basket.

It was a large gift basket, and once we removed the cellophane, rather fragrant. The quick once-over revealed various sausages and cheese among the fruit, not to mention a chocolate tucked here and there. The overwhelmingly beefy smell was wrapping around me as I picked up one of the yellow logs and realized something was very, very wrong: it was a tube of Ched-Onion Cheeze Food.

I quickly scrutinized the other items (teriyaki beef sticks, spreadable parmesan, something called "chutter") and my head began to spin: I had been gifted an entire mountain of processed foods. And not even the good kind.

It had to be a joke. No one who actually knew me would do something like that unless they were hoping for a good chuckle. After all, a bunch of my college chums have successfully re-gifted a box of smoked salmon spread for at least ten years running.

But there was no card.

There was no card, no note, no acknowledgement of sender, no indication of a hardy-har-har. Even if it was a serious gift, why wouldn’t they want credit? I had no idea who had sent the gift, nor a clue as to their intention.

Thusly, I felt duty-bound to at least try some of the goods. Peeling back the wrapping on the "chutter", I grabbed a cracker and topped it with a healthy schmear. At first, it was actually creamy and a bit yummy in that cheese-dip kinda way. I was truly considering another crackerfull when the waxy mouth coating started to bloom. That was enough. The fruit was eaten, the chocolates left for the mailman and the sausages incorporated into a house game in which you might discover a plump package under your pillow or furtively placed in your shoe.

If you gave this basket to me, know that it was enjoyed. Maybe not in the manner intended, maybe so. Please know that you have become known as the Mad Basketeer who Gifts on the Sly and with every UPS truck that pulls up, we wonder if you have struck again.

Resources for those who actually wish to attach their names to a gift basket:

Pears and Stilton from Harry & David

Tapas Party Gift Box from La Tienda

Anything from Zingerman’s

Exotic Truffle Collection from Vosges Chocolate

Fig Gift Box from Norm Thompson (plus hard to find peppermints!)

Noon Whistle from Dean and Deluca

Belgian Chocolate-Covered Oreos from Red Envelope