Getting Propositioned

While Minnesota has long touted its progressive credentials
– enacting policies to help the nation’s huddling masses, deifying a well-intentioned
former school teacher, and allowing
the irredeemably stupid to perform police work – California has followed the teachings of its
favorite son and popped a cap in the state’s aspirations to be the nation’s
Leftist Wingnut leader. And recent events have shown that no matter who is in
control of the Minnesota legislature or
occupies the governor’s mansion, the title will always rest firmly and
attractively in California’s
surgically enhanced décolletage.

Simply put, it wasn’t enough for California liberals that the past year has
involved defying
the Bush administration’s largely ineffective EPA, bizarre sign of the
apocalypse-esque cooperation between Republicans and Democrats to expand health
insurance coverage, and the judicially mandated legalization
of same-sex marriage. No, the thrice damned Hollywood elite insists on rubbing
organic Himalayan sea-salt in the wound by demonstrating that, not only is the
state actually capable of passing its progressive policies, it’s also the home of what
was recently demonstrated to be the most profoundly inbred and mentally
deficient religious right population ever to swill merlot in Napa Valley.

Whether their sad mental state is a result of abusive
parents passing off lead paint chips as the latest flavor sensation by Pringles
or simply a sign of the complete collapse of the Fresno
and Burbank
gene pools is immaterial. What’s important is what has set
these ape-like creatures capering and gibbering, and more importantly –
lawyering up.

Yes, now that the California
courts have ordered the right of marriage extended to the godless heathens
otherwise known as homosexuals, thus ensuring the sacred marriage bed will soon
be populated with donkeys, chickens, and the
pestilential creature now known as Emma
Bunton. However, the few conservatives who haven’t run screaming from
California in anticipation of a Biblical rain of hellfire and the death of
their firstborn have come up with an answer to this attack on traditional lights-out
missionary style Judeo-Christian gettin’ it on – a constitutional amendment
that will negate the thousands of legal marriages that have taken place since
the judicial decision.

Make no mistake, this is a historic proposition. Should this
amendment pass, it will be the first time in the history of these United States
that a specific population has been singled out in any state, or even federal,
constitution to strip them of an existing right. This is nothing less than writing bigotry into the California constitution, not to mention a profound failure to uphold the true values of our country. The wording of the proposition
is similarly stark:

"Eliminates
Right of Same-Sex Couples to Marry."

A straightforward, albeit bleak, description of the proposed
amendment would seem to discharge the California
attorney-general’s obligation to voters. Not so, say the aforementioned capering
and gibbering creatures and their lawyers. While in many cases, the truth will set
you free, in a situation such as this; the truth will result in you being
accused of attempting to bias voters, triggering a lawsuit to change the
language to something "less inflammatory."

Whether or not it’s true that the attorney general’s
sympathies lie with the friends of the Housewives of Orange County, or if his
attitudes are influenced by a potential gubernatorial run, it’s largely
immaterial. If a factual description of the amendment seems negative, then the
proposition is, in all likelihood, negative. The goal is, after all, to
invalidate the sanctity of a few thousand marriages, and deny the right to any
other strapping gay lads and lassies who feel the nigh-irresistible urge to
affirm their desire to forsake all other penises or vaginas under the auspices
of God, Jesus H. Motherfucking Christ and the great state of California. And never mind the logistical nightmare that is trying to determine what to do with these now illegal marriages.

Sure, Bible-thumping conservatives throughout the nation,
including the Star Tribune’s own perm-wearing deep thinker,
predict an epidemic of twisted relationships as a result of the perverted critical
mass created by California
homosexuals gaining the right to marry. And we have only just begun to see the
bitter and brutal battle that’s sure to ensure in California courts to change the wording of
Proposition 8. By the end of this we’ll have seen neighbor turn on gaybor,
demonstrations in the streets that include far too much leather, and Holly
Hobby finally having no choice but to turn her back on longtime friend Strawberry
Shortcake and her alternative lifestyle.

But are not equal rights worth the final nail in the coffin
for Minnesota’s
dreams of regaining its glory as the number one land of rainbows and progressive
values, not to mention a spate of man/dolphin weddings?