I had my chili epiphany in a bar in Dallas. Unlike some of my other saloon-supplied revelations, this one came not from the bourbon but from the crusty old dude on the next stool. I’d just asked for advice on the best local rib joint. After about an hour of discourse with details including serious analysis of the nuances of sauce and the names of the guys “rollin’ racks” behind the lines, my guy throws a head nod to the bartender and says, “But what you really want is a bowl of red.”
Two steaming, heaping bowls of chili came out of the kitchen, and Crusty tucked into his without a word. As I’m asking him if this is the best in the area, he taps his spoon on the edge of my chipped bowl and says, “Eat the magic beans.” And truly, amid the beef and tomatoes swam the most flavorful and colorful combination of beans, some of which I had never seen before. We licked our bowls clean and chatted about the chili queens of San Antonio—who used to roll out their carts to the plazas at dusk with big steaming pots of chili—and about how Crusty loved the one with the green lamp and how she gave him magic beans.
That night I could only dream about the beans I knew: green beans, soy beans, kidney, black, navy, lima. But with magic beans, it’s not so much what you know or don’t know, it’s what you don’t know you don’t know. You know?
As one of the oldest cultivated crops, beans have been fortifying society since there was society. Evidence suggests that the peoples of Mexico and Peru were growing beans as far back as 7000 B.C. Chickpeas and fava beans have been found in Egyptian tombs dating back at least 4000 years, and around the same time soybeans were growing in parts of Asia.
Legumes are plants characterized by edible seeds and pods or beans. This term replaced the word pulse, which you might see used in older cookery books by fancy people. All this naming is only slightly confusing when you consider there are roughly 14,000 species in the leguminusae family.
The Great Common Bean (phaseolus vulgaris) began life in Mexico thousands of years ago. Spanish explorers brought it to Europe, where it thrived and made its way back to the New World in completely new forms. This amazingly enchanted bean is classified by its diverse colors and is known differently by many cultures. White beans include navy, soisson, white kidney, cannellini in Italy, and Boston baked beans in Beantown. Red beans go by all kinds of familiar names: kidney beans, chili beans, habichuelas, cranberry beans, and pinto beans, named for the painted ponies they resemble. Black beans, brown beans, and flageolets are also common.
Chickpeas were named by the Romans for the “ram’s head” curl of the seed. They are also known as garbanzo beans and are said to increase sexual energy. Black-eyed peas most likely began in China and traveled with the tradesmen to Africa, then back to the Americas on the slave ships. The South’s traditional New Year’s “Hoppin’ John” dish is evidence of the migration. Pythagoras of ancient Greece forbade his followers to eat fava beans because they were said to contain the souls of the dead.
Soybeans, maybe the Albus Dumbledore of magic beans, originated in Manchuria about 3000 B.C. These hard little rocks need more soaking than other beans, if you intend to eat them outright, but that’s not where their true magic lies. It’s in the salad oil and the sprouts. And the bond in chocolate, and the miso in soup. It’s in the tofu, the Tofurkey, and the bogus hot dogs and cheese you fool yourself with. It’s in the soy sauce that brings your fried bean curd to life. Soy is the “meat of the earth” and the miracle bean, and the magic is clear.
But maybe beans aren’t so magical to you, because you fear them. All you’ve been thinking since you started reading this is: Beans, beans, the magical fruit, the more you eat, the more you toot. We’re not equipped to easily digest the complex sugars in beans. These sugars run into nasty little bacteria in the intestine, where they have a little party. The hungry buggers eat the sugars and give off gas. So, you see, it’s not really your fault; you just smell that way. Crazily enough, the more often you eat beans, the less you putt-putt. It’s only when you treat your bacteria to a splurge that you pay the price. Of course the answer is to eat more beans, because the more you eat the better you feel, so let’s have beans for every meal!
What better way to attain the enchantment of beans than through your own bowl of red? Here’s a good basic shot at Crusty’s favorite bar chili: Sauté some onions and garlic in a big pot. Add a pound of beef and brown. Drain off the fat and season with chili powder, cumin, crushed red peppers, paprika, salt, and pepper to taste. Add two large cans of whole, peeled tomatoes. Add rinsed black beans, pinto beans, cannellini beans, and black-eyed peas. Let the whole mess simmer on low heat for about two hours, and let the magic smell waft through your house before tearing in.
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