When you’re married, a funny thing happens. You lose your alone time. My pal Brad, proud daddy of two, says it’s much worse when you have kids. He says it’s been months since he had the house to himself. Why would he want the house to himself, you ask? Well, this is going to be a touchy subject, and full of goofy euphemisms, so let’s just jump right in. Married men-and presumably married women, too-need to occasionally release sexual tension. Solo. This is something we don’t normally talk about with each other; you just assume it happens, you respect that tiny bit of alone time your spouse manages to sneak, and that’s that. You wash your hands, you move on, everyone’s happy, no one’s the wiser. Unless you get caught.
Yes, the other day my precious tootled off to the grocery store. Seizing the opportunity to make an efficient end of this tawdry business and move on to more important things, I drew a tub of water and jumped in. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t planned a romantic little interlude for myself. I’ve never bought into the religious poppycock about this particular sin. What point is there in making people feel guilty about something that feels so good and hurts so few? Something that is, in any case, so inevitable? Talk about victimless crimes. Well, the water was rushing, a scented candle, a little bath oil, things were swimming along nicely, I must not have heard the door open, and there was my precious staring in horror at my private moment.
The so-called scientists who “study” this kind of thing say that nine out of ten men go solo on a fairly frequent basis. I count myself among the “infrequent”, since I do it maybe once a week at the most. I think that’s pretty reasonable. Maybe a little too rare, but hey, we lead awfully busy lives. My friend Pete, on the other hand, claims to do it-to need to do it-three times a day. I don’t know if that’s even possible for a man over the age of 18, but Pete’s always been an overachiever.
Don tells me that his doctor actually advised him to do it more. Why? Because, Don claims, men who don’t relieve themselves in this way are more susceptible to prostate problems. What’s more, Don says he works with an ultra-Christian guy who decided to swear off all sexual satisfaction, and it wasn’t three weeks before he was into his clinic for a digital exam, feeling less horny than seriously ill. A prostate infection was the diagnosis, and release was the actual prescription. Now how could a loving God expect a man to give up both sex and health on His behalf? (Obviously, release is possible with one’s spouse. The medical assumption here is that men want and apparently need sex more often than they are likely to get from the women in their lives, or more often than can be arranged. This seems to be a simple and universal fact of life, with notable exceptions that tend to turn into locker-room legends.)
The sex scientists say that only about five in ten women pleasure themselves, which I find kind of depressing. I don’t know whether my precious is one of them, but I like to assume she is, because she can go for what seems like months without any inter-squad scrimmages. I also believe that men and women are more alike than not, so I have to wonder why it’s less common in the fairer sex. Some people (like Colleen over there) say that women can survive just fine without sex; others say it’s strictly an issue of socialization and tradition. Women, perhaps even more than men, have been hammered for so long in the Judeo-Christian moral code that says this is wicked behavior. And men have long harbored a deep fear that women don’t actually need men for satisfaction. My theory is that the skewed numbers are just a “reporting” issue. Everyone does it, but no one admits it-not even anonymously, to some pervert calling himself a sex researcher.
Anyway, only a bloodless Bible banger would begrudge someone his or her alone time, and so my precious turned quickly out of the bathroom without a word. Did I fantasize that she would rip off her clothes and jump in the tub with me and take matters into her own hands? The truth is, I was happy sticking with the plan. Sometimes it’s easier, quicker, and cleaner that way. Does that make it strictly an issue of clearing the pipes, rather than an affirmation of my most intimate personal relationship with my precious? Sure. But married men are like that, sometimes, when it comes to sex.
Leave a Reply