Once I had a boyfriend whose purpose in life was to pick a meaningless fight with me daily. Predictably, he would become furious when I was unwilling to participate. He would retaliate by sputtering, “You just want everything to be so easy!” Cue to me looking incredulous, with a silent scream of, “Uhhhh DUH?” We’d reached a point of excruciating futility in which he had clearly run out of bullets and now was just throwing the gun at me.
Yes, yes, I know life isn’t only about the things you love to do.
So what if, for twenty-four hours, you had to do only the things you would most hate to do? How would your day go? This would be my daily planner:
7:00 A.M.: Wake up from the recurring nightmare in which I’m waitressing at a college sports bar on “Dr. Who Trivia Night.”
9:00 A.M.: Head to a voice-over job, where the producer’s sole direction is to tell me: “Think Demi Moore-ish, but not really.”
Noon: Lunch in the bathroom at 7th Street Entry: mayonnaise straight from the jar, washed down with a hot-dog water smoothie.
1:00 P.M.: Go to an audition for extras for a community theater production of The Dirt by Motley Crüe.
3:00 P.M.: Take my second-grade math teacher shopping for a new thong.
3:15 P.M.: Suddenly remember that said math teacher used to bite his hangnails off and then make sucking noises like he had a cough drop in his mouth.
3:30 P.M.:
Vomit in public.
6:00 P.M.:
Listen to the radio.
7:00 P.M.:
Participate in a study on the effects of eating expired paté, to earn extra cash.
11:00 P.M.:
Judge a Creed cover band contest in St. Paul.
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