Detail from “Brushes With Fame!” by Steve Willis (scroll down link for bio).
So I saw Donald Sutherland wandering down Lake Street one night, and I’m thinkin’, what the hell’s this guy doin’ wandering down whore alley? Get this, so I yell out “Hey Donald, lookin’ for Klute?” What? I thought the whore was the Klute? He’s Klute? Son of a bitch, man I sounded like an idiot…
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We bought this kitten, you see, this little thing, cute as a button, and my wife, she goes “Let’s name it Tippi!” And I said, “No way am I gonna name a kitten after a girl I dated.” And my wife goes, “What do you mean?” And I said, and not without some pride, “Well, you know I dated Tippi Hedren back when I was in Junior High.” And she goes, “No!” And I said, “You bet.”
So the cat’s name is Boots.
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So I guess Meryl didn’t like our f—kin’ pizza. Sat right there and gave her and her whole f—king family a large pie for free. F—king ingrate.
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I was telling Matt, that’s Matt Damon you understand, that the only way to drink a boilermaker is to drop the shot glass into the beer. And I told him that Old Grand-Dad used to be the best, in part because it had that somewhat… astringent aftertaste that one associates with the art of making boilers. I’ve drunk my share of Old Grand-Dad, but never with someone like Damon, of course. You can tell celebrity, even in a darkened tavern, my boy. It’s the teeth. They glow. Like white inside a room lit by a black-light bulb. Their celebrity radiates off their teeth, no matter how awful they’re supposed to appear.
Now, per our agreement: buy me a double of Maker’s Mark. It was worth it, no?
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Ned Beatty came in here to get a tuna sandwich. I was, like, my God, it’s Ned Beatty. And he was pretty cool. He was impressed that I liked him in Nashville. But then I lean forward and go, “So Ned, tell me–” And he cuts me off. “Don’t!” is all he said. “But I’m just curious,” I said.
“Forget it,” he tells me. The guy’s old, but he’s lookin’ mean.
But it’s the only time in my life when I’m going to talk with Ned Beatty, right, so I’m like, “Ned, just tell me about Deliverance, man. I mean–” And he walks right out, leaves his tuna sandwich behind, which he’s paid for. Crazy.
I enjoyed that sandwich, let me tell you.
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I saw Amy Adams in “Brigadoon”, which I hate, and all I remember is that this guy said afterward, “Amy, you’re going to get an Oscar someday.” And I thought, oh, yeah, for what, “Brigadoon?” Well, technically, she still hasn’t won a damn Oscar.
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I knew a guy who was a sign-painter for North Country. Does that count?
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