The war with Iraq, combined with the SARS epidemic and the release of a pretty tough 2003 Vikings schedule, has left us all a bit weary. Thankfully, in the true American spirit of making fun of inappropriate situations, we’ve found a comedic port in the sandstorm, thanks to Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf. He’s the guy who resembles that actor whose name you can’t think of, only without the mustache, whose job during the three-week campaign was to put the best possible spin on an old-fashioned butt-whuppin’. Notable quotes (many delivered with the muffled sound of U.S. artillery fire in the background) included, “Today I have visited whole Baghdad city, no invaders found. They are crying outside and waiting to receive bullets. They will be killed shortly.” And our personal favorite, “They think we are retarded—they are retarded.” If he’s not already working for the Republican National Committee, al-Sahaf is most likely polishing up that resume. We thought in the true spirit of global kinship, we’d assist the minister in his quest for new employment in a field best suited to his talents: marketing.
Spokesman, Northwest Airlines
“The Wall Street always depends on a method what I call stupid. They are stupid and condemned. NWA stock up 3 points next quarter!”
Color commentary, the Minnesota Twins
“We are not afraid of the Yankees! The bases are loaded, but I am not scared and neither should you be. My initial assessment is that the devils will all strike out … and are all condemned, Allah willing.”
Customer service, Orkin
“I have visited the Johnson residence. No invaders found. You go and see how we have ousted the cockroaches from this Johnson home. Our estimates are that none of the infidels will come out alive unless they surrender to us quickly.”
Pitchman, Famous Dave’s
“We’ve thrown our ribs in a quagmire, a quagmire of delicious honey-barbecue sauce, from which they can only emerge … delicious!”
Eddie Murphy’s agent
“I can assure you that ‘Daddy Day Care’ will be the subject of laughter around the world. I always ask you to verify what I say, and I say ‘Daddy Day Care’ opens on May 9th. Heavy doesn’t accurately describe the level of comedy Eddie will inflict.”
Host, QVC
“I would like to clarify a simple fact here: I triple guarantee you, these earrings are 18 carat gold! Those who do not buy them will discover in appropriate time in the future how stupid they are and how they are pretending things which have never taken place.”
Leave a Reply