Author: Brad Zellar

  • You Call That A World?

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    I’ve got the world on a string. I’ve got the whole world in my hands. I’m on top of the world. I’ve got all the time in the world.

    Wonderful world. World of wonders. World of the future. Mattress World. Disney World. Sea World. Auto World. Tractor World. Reptile World. Sex World. Robot World. Sound World. Drowning world.

    A world of fine dining.

    The world is your oyster.

    The luckiest guy in the world.

    World champion. World expert. World renowned. World leader. World class. World record. World War. World Peace.

    World above. World below. World within. The afterworld. The underworld. Crime world. Invisible world. Dream world. The hidden world. Strange world. Beautiful world. Troubled world. Spirit world.

    The world in a grain of sand.

    Off to see the world. World Traveler. All over the world. Out of this world. A world of difference.

    The old world. The new world. Brave new world. The lost world.

    Third world.

    The world of our fathers.

    End of the world.

    Man of the world.

    Light of this world.

    For He so loved the world.

    In his own little world.

    Hard world.

    What in the world?

    Why in the world?

    How in the world?

    Welcome to my world.

    Any world that I’m welcome to.

    I’m in a world of pain.

    I’m a stranger in this world.

    Stop the world, I want to get off.

    World without end.

    Cruel world.

    World of Pants.

    Amen.

  • Cool Water

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    I could be mistaken –I could always be mistaken, I often am– but this seemed to be the scenario: I was asking for a glass of water. I was begging for a glass of water. I was so fucking thirsty that I could barely swallow. My tongue was all fat and fuzzy. It felt like a dried cow tongue lodged in the middle of my face.

    I’d been crawling for days. I couldn’t even begin to tell you how many days. Crawling across empty suburban strip mall parking lots, across busy city streets, along old state highways, and right out into the fields and the darkness. I crawled across creeks and rivers.

    If you spend enough time crawling across fields, I can tell you that eventually those fields might as well be deserts. You get parched. You get thirsty as the devil himself for a glass of water. Your hands and shoulders and knees throb. Your whole body hurts.

    These days not one person will bat an eye at a crawling man, let alone stop to offer him a glass of water. You crawl long enough, though, and the law is eventually going to get tired of what they’ll call your “routine,” as if you were a gymnast or a ventriloquist.

    The police will drag you up off your hands and knees and haul you away. They’ll want some answers, which you will be unable to provide. They’ll put you in a room with a plain table and bad fluorescent lights. You will ask them for a glass of water. You will beg them for a glass of water, and they will bring you a styrofoam cup of scalding hot coffee.

  • Mercy, Mercy

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    I fell asleep briefly and was startled awake at three a.m. Upon getting up and muddling about I was additionally startled to discover that there were apparently no pens to be had anywhere in the world. There was no ink. There were no pencils.

    There was no way for me to write anything down, to leave any kind of permanent or even (the more realistic scenario) hopelessly transitory record.

    And I realized as well that the words weren’t taking shape, weren’t coupling, weren’t forming sentences in my head. They weren’t getting in line. They weren’t even in solitary evidence.

    There were no words at all. They had completely left me. Nothing would take words to my tongue. I heard no speech, saw no signs, and opened book after book to blank pages. I went to the stoop and saw there was no newspaper on the welcome mat. The welcome mat didn’t even say ‘welcome’ anymore.

    All that was left were these vague urges crawling in my blood, this wordless sadness. I didn’t, in fact, even know that it was words I was missing, lacking as I did words to articulate or explain their absence. I couldn’t speak at all.

    And then I heard Ornette Coleman, and found the first small comfort of the wordless day.

  • LOCAL MUSIC: We grow old, we grow old.

    There may be no more telling harbinger of the onslaught of middle age than the stasis that settles over an individual’s music collection, signaling that shift in a passionate fan’s life when he throws in the towel and resigns himself to a soundtrack stalled at a particular point in time. The precise date can usually be determined with a cursory glance through the titles in the CD rack or by estimating the vintage of nearby wedding photos or children’s portraits.

    For many, this ritual surrender is bittersweet; for others, it is a source of plain bitterness. Some folks, self-conscious about their retreat from a scene that once meant so much to them, move their music collections to an inconspicuous place so as to deter eyeballing by trendier, judgmental, pathetically stunted, middle-aged (and childless) friends on their increasingly rare visits.

    Perhaps you are one of these people. Perhaps you still make occasional trips to Roadrunner, Treehouse, Cheapo, or the Electric Fetus, where you scan the new-arrivals section with a growing sense of cluelessness or desperation, looking for something recognizable or familiar—or, an even greater challenge, something local and worthwhile. Perhaps you leave with a CD from The White Stripes, New Pornographers, or Arcade Fire; you vaguely recall reading about them somewhere and will play the disc once or twice before displaying it prominently in your home or losing it under the passenger seat of your car. More likely, however, you leave with the new Neil Young, Bob Dylan, Johnny Cash, or Lucinda Williams, or that Waterboys record you remember loving so much on vinyl back in the day. No shame in any of that.

    Yet still, why do you feel something approaching shame? Why this nagging sense that there’s a better, more exciting world going on out there without you, that almost certainly you’re missing out on something?

    Used to be you never missed out on something new. You saw Nirvana at the Uptown Bar, for crying out loud. You saw the Replacements in the Whole, and Prince at First Avenue, even before Purple Rain came out. You bought your first Suburbs record at Northern Lights and still own a severely distressed Twin/Tone T-shirt. Maybe you were one of those real geeks who lived for the Village Voice’s annual Pazz & Jop music poll, who took pride in the fact that you’d heard, or at least heard of, pretty much everything in its top fifty. The last time you looked at the thing, you’d barely heard of most of the artists and didn’t own a single disc in the top twenty.

    Sure, these sorts of experiences can be daunting. Maybe they even carry trace elements of humiliation. But one source of comfort is MPR’s The Current, which frequently plays something good and unfamiliar while you’re in the car (as well as, gratifyingly, some familiar things that bolster your flagging confidence in your taste)—but then there’ll be a string of like ten songs that come after, and by the time they say the names of the artists, traffic is moving again and you’re fumbling to find a pen and something to write on.

    I sort of understand how you feel. We go way back. We still occasionally talk, and sometimes we agree that it’s not like it used to be. Other times, discussing some local band we’ve scarcely heard but are happy to dismiss as just another flavor of the month, we’ll conclude that it’s the same as it ever was, and there’s nothing new under the sun. Time and again, we’ll proclaim that the Emperor’s not wearing any clothes, even if we wouldn’t recognize the Emperor of the moment if he were standing naked in our shower.

    That sort of sour-grapes, things-ain’t-the-way-they-used-to-be thinking is, of course, yet another telltale marker along the road to geezerhood. We nonetheless seem to have a hard time admitting that we’re out of touch and that we really don’t know a damn thing about the local music scene—and perhaps for that very reason, we often dismiss it as irrelevant or even nonexistent.

    For those of us who were, however tangentially, involved in the music scene of the 80s—which some still insist on calling the Minneapolis Music Scene—the nostalgic pull of that period has been hard to let go of. From a vantage of more than twenty years down the road, everything from that time seems more streamlined and clear-cut, even if our memories are a little blurred around the edges (if not completely unreliable).

    The screening of the documentary First Avenue HayDay at the Riverview Theater in August brought out all sorts of characters from that old world, and provoked plenty of flashbacks of both the pleasant and the uncomfortable variety. The film demonstrated pretty conclusively that a lot of the bands from that period were truly great. It also revealed that some of the groups we loved back then were not, if the celluloid evidence is to be believed.

    Back then, bands would grind away in the clubs, often for years; if they were lucky, they might record a 45 or an LP for one of the smaller local labels, or if they were really lucky, for Twin/Tone. It seemed like everybody’s dream was a major-label contract, and for a few ridiculous years, that dream became a reality for an astonishing number of bands.

    What often gets lost in the wash of nostalgia is the fact that those contracts didn’t ultimately translate into much beyond disappointment for most of the bands involved, and that disappointment trickled down into the clubs and record stores. The scene started to feel exhausted, and cynicism smothered much of the old enthusiasm.

    But all that was a long time ago. It’s interesting to note that the landmark year of 1984—which saw the release of the Replacements’ Let It Be, Hüsker Dü’s Zen Arcade, and Prince’s Purple Rain—is as much ancient history to today’s twentysomething scenesters as 1962 was to the zealous fans who packed First Avenue during Reagan’s first term. In 1962, the Four Seasons had two of the country’s top-ten singles, keeping chart company with such sock-hopper stalwarts as Joey Dee and The Starliters, Bobby Vinton, and Gene Chandler. It’s hard to imagine that anyone who bought records by those artists in 1962 was popping into Northern Lights to buy Let It Be when it came out twenty-two years later.

    Think, though, what they missed, the poor bastards.

    Chris Roberts is forty-six years old and hosts The Local Show on MPR’s The Current (89.3 FM). He moved from his native Detroit to the Twin Cities in 1989, at the tail end of what many older fans consider the glory days of the local music scene. “I was drawn here in large part by the stuff that was happening musically,” Roberts said. “I missed it, to some extent, but it seems to me that the scene is as vibrant as ever now. It’s changed, certainly, but so many of the things that are going on now that are really interesting didn’t exist in the 80s, or they were strictly underground phenomena.” For one thing, he sees that there’s a lot more experimentation going on. “These younger bands have twenty years of music under their belts that the older guys didn’t have; they have a larger frame of reference. So along with all the indie-rock bands, you’ve got hip-hop, cabaret rock, electro-pop, and a huge range of electronic music. The stylistic diversity always amazes me.”

    That diversity, to no small degree, comes out of the growth of home studios, computer technology, and the Internet, all of which have made it easier than ever for musicians to record, manufacture, package, and promote their own CDs. “Because of that, some older guys might have the impression that it’s not as hard these days,” Roberts said. “But you can’t discount the fact that these younger musicians really know how to use those resources. So many of them are just incredible businesspeople.”

    Aside from access to technology, cyberspace itself—the realm of podcasting, music blogs, obsessive online fan sites (e.g., HowWasThe Show.com, More Cowbell, and Pitchfork), and for-profit download shops like eMusic and iTunes—has also ushered in a revolutionary change, not only in how music is produced, but also how it is disseminated. The ’net has proved remarkably effective at building word-of-mouth buzz for bands as well as providing all manner of context and cross-reference for a local and national indie scene that is constantly growing and mutating.

    “I think that some of the people who like to disparage the scene maybe just have to accept the fact that they’re older now, and things have changed,” Roberts said. “There’s still a lot out there that I think they’d embrace if they were exposed to it, but it takes some work, and you have to still have the curiosity. You also need to recognize that there’s a certain feeling you have when you’re in your twenties and you attach yourself to a band or a scene. You have that sense of freedom and independence that you maybe lose a bit when you get older. Every generation’s entitled to its own heyday. I do know, though, that my iPod is filled almost entirely with local music, both new and old, and I feel like I can get pretty much everything I need from the scene in the Twin Cities.”

    The Internet has essentially become an incomprehensibly massive, yet easy-to-use, combination of an exhaustive record store, pirate radio station, and the densest and most eclectic of zines. It is equal parts bazaar and old-school listening party. Yet that free-for-all accessibility and heady atmosphere of sampling and sharing haven’t come without a cost, of course—primarily to the record industry, but also, perhaps more poignantly, to the independent brick-and-mortar stores that used to serve as reliable hangouts and sources for both new local music and buzz about bands. The Twin Cities have lost scads of great indie record stores in the roughly twenty years since the local scene made its big national splash. Gone are such tastemakers as Northern Lights, Garage D’Or, Flipside, Let It Be, Wax Museum, and Positively 4th Street.

    Oarfolkjokeopus morphed into Treehouse and continues to anchor the intersection at Twenty-sixth Street and Lyndale Avenue, which was once upon a time the nexus of the local music fan’s orbit. Across the street is the CC Club, the former de facto clubhouse for many bands and fans. A few blocks to the east, along Nicollet Avenue, were clustered Garage D’Or, Twin/Tone Records, and the headquarters of Amphetamine Reptile. From there it’s a short stroll past the Minneapolis Institute of Arts to the Electric Fetus, which is a surviving—and by all indications, thriving—local monument that manages to be both independent and essential. The Uptown Bar, south and west of Twenty-sixth & Lyndale, was a straight shot down Hennepin Avenue from First Avenue/7th Street Entry and Northern Lights. Though there were plenty of other cool places to see and hear and buy music twenty years ago (the 400 Bar, Let It Be, etc.), that relatively compact constellation of landmarks provided a good portion of the memories that fuel the nostalgia for the 80s.

    These days, the scene is not nearly so neatly contained. If that proves a challenge for people trying to navigate it from the outside, it’s nonetheless hard not to conclude that this relatively new musical diaspora is a good thing. While the number of record stores has sadly declined over the years, new venues for live music have only proliferated, popping up all over the Twin Cities map: in St. Paul (the Turf Club), Northeast (the 331 Liquor Bar), the West Bank (the Triple Rock Social Club, the Nomad World Pub), Dinkytown (the Dinkytowner, Kitty Cat Klub, the Varsity), and Seward (the Hexagon Bar). And yet, just as it was back in the 80s, First Avenue is the scene’s polestar, and the number of homegrown bands booking shows and attracting audiences there is a solid barometer of the health and diversity of local music.

    “I tend to hit most of the clubs on a fairly regular basis,” said Lindsay Kimball, a twenty-three-year-old intern at The Current. “I think of it as my other part-time job. Most nights, I’ll come home from work and then head right back out. The other night, I went to the Entry to see Sam Keenan, and then over to the Kitty Cat Klub for the Big Trouble show. Most of the venues don’t cater to a specific sound, so bands will sometimes play many different clubs and you end up everywhere. You’ll end up with completely different sorts of music on the same bill, which is fabulous. Even with all the diversity, it’s a really tight-knit scene, both among the bands and the fans.”

    Still, the notion persists in some quarters that the present scene is a watered-down version of the 80s. Nate Kranz, who books bands at First Avenue, very much believes otherwise. “As far as I’m concerned, that’s pretty much completely incorrect,” he said. “There are more bands locally than ever before, and more bands getting national press, and out touring and selling out clubs in other cities. You also have a lot of the old-guard bands that are still active in some capacity—Soul Asylum and the Jayhawks, for instance—and there are a bunch of local acts that draw great here. Atmosphere and Tapes ’N Tapes both sell out the mainroom.” Kranz also noted that the ways various bands find success has changed. “For a local band to move between the Entry and the mainroom is not necessarily a slow progression anymore; a band can go pretty quickly from not even selling out the Entry to packing the mainroom,” he said, going on to mention Low, Plastic Constellations, the Hopefuls, Trampled by Turtles, Mason Jennings, Dillinger Four, and Motion City Soundtrack.

    The success of a lot of those bands and artists, and the ways in which they’ve achieved it, demonstrates the extent to which the business of music has changed in the last couple decades. Atmosphere, for instance, is the standard-bearer for the extraordinarily successful Rhymesayers Entertainment, the organically and almost collectively grown indie hip-hop empire that now includes a thriving label and a record store, Fifth Element, on Hennepin Avenue. Probably more important, Rhymesayers has the sort of Internet presence, marketing savvy, and shrewd business acumen that make the efforts of many supposedly hip corporations look strained and foolish by comparison.

    Tapes ’N Tapes, meanwhile, are the current poster boys for the local indie rock scene. The band has, in rapid fashion, gone from self-producing and releasing its debut CD, The Loon, to receiving rave reviews in national publications, selling out shows in both New York and its hometown, and appearing on the Letterman show. Anybody who cut their teeth on second-wave American punk or indie rock will likely find the band’s disc catchy, accessible, and even comfortably familiar. There are a great many things in the world deserving of your fear and contempt; Tapes ’N Tapes are not one of them.

    The local scene never did die, of course. It may have gotten fragmented or diluted, and a product of that fragmentation was the loss of any sort of critical consensus, such as the annual, near-unanimous coronation of a local band or two in the alternative press. Without that, it was tough to keep score if you were no longer in the trenches yourself. Still, people continued to make interesting and even terrific music right up to the tail end of the 80s and all the way through the 90s. For evidence of that, check out RedEyed: MPLS Shoegaze and Dreampop, 1992-1998, a CD of cuts from such overlooked bands as Hovercraft, 27 Various, Colfax Abbey, and Shapeshifter. Locally produced and beautifully packaged, it’s the sort of thing you can still pick up in the handful of remaining local independent record stores.

    Bob Fuchs, manager of the Electric Fetus, said his store accepts hundreds of local CDs on consignment every year. “Between the warehouse and the store, we have something like five hundred or six hundred local titles in stock,” Fuchs said, “and virtually all of them on consignment. I’m blown away by how much stuff is being produced. The city keeps getting bigger, and we’re constantly struggling to keep up with the local discs. It seems like we’re seeing ten new discs a week, and it’s all over the place—rock, hip-hop, jazz, country, blues.”

    Some of the Fetus’ biggest-selling discs are local recordings that, at least initially, came through the door on consignment. “We dealt directly with Rhymesayers and Mason Jennings for years,” Fuchs said. “Brent Sayers from Rhymesayers used to just run stuff over to us every week, and we sold thousands of their discs.” The Tapes ’N Tapes disc, initially a consignment as well, has now moved into the store’s top ten for the year, with almost five hundred discs sold. Jennings and Atmosphere also share prime space at the top of the Fetus’ list, rubbing elbows with folks like Neil Young, Flaming Lips, Gnarls Barkley, and Bruce Springsteen. And even the most out-of-touch ex-club crawler can take heart in the fact that the disc holding down the top spot at the Fetus is another locally consigned offering: The Bootlegs: Celebrating 35 Years at First Avenue.

  • I Believe It's Raining All Over The World

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    We are here and now.

    Further than that all human knowledge is moonshine.

    H.L. Mencken

    I can at best report only from my own wilderness. The important thing is that each man possess such a wilderness and that he consider what marvels are to be observed there.

    Loren Eisley, The Immense Journey

    ‘Whole thing works on gravity. Heavy falls and the light flows away.’

    –From William Kittredge’s “The Van Gogh Field,” in which a farmer explains a thresher

    Dear Eddie,

    It’s raining here, but that’ll come as no surprise to you, brother. The cold rain that camps out over these parts this time of year always did put you in a black frame of mind.

    Your long silence has become like a bad tooth to me, Ed. The older I get the more it bothers me, and about now, just when I start hauling in the split wood and building big fires in the stove, is when I find myself brooding over our old disagreements. A fire in a damp, dark house on a rainy night can be a tough thing to stare into through the long hours.

    The old man never did come to terms with what was eating you back in those bad days, and I don’t expect you ever thought he would. It might, however, surprise you to know that I feel like I’ve grown somehow closer to you in the years since you went away.

    I’ll be square with you, Edster old boy, I’ve had my fill of plenty of things. Maybe I’ve finally had that crisis of faith you were always predicting, but all I know is that I’ve lost a good deal of steam over the last several years. I’m old, of course, and haven’t been in the best of health. That’ll certainly make a man mull some, and a lot of the old crowd is dead now, which only makes this sleepy little place feel even emptier.

    Do you remember watching the thresher at work when we were boys, Eddie? It’s a powerful and damn useful metaphor in this part of the country. I like to imagine that even as a youngster I could see something symbolic in the steady, relentless work of that machine. I believe it was the thresher that put the fear of God in me, and it’ll likely disappoint you to know that I’ve never quite managed to be shook of it, even if there are increasingly days where there’s as much pure puzzlement as fear in my attitude towards the Creator. Puzzlement and fear, and also –I can’t help it, Ed– respect.

    I know this is one area in which the way we’ve always seen the world strongly diverges. I remember, believe me, some of our arguments, and some of your dust-ups with pa. And I do wish from time to time (and I guess, if I’m going to be honest, more and more frequently) that I had a bit of your cocksureness about the meaninglessness of things.

    The problem is, though, that I tend to find everything somehow meaningful, even if I can’t ever quite seem to divine to my satisfaction exactly what that meaning is.

    Still, I believe it’s there all the same, Eddie. This place hasn’t managed to beat that notion out of me. And I do believe that things happen for a reason, and that even seemingly senseless tragedies have a significance that often eludes us.

    What, I wonder, is more significant and more deserving of our careful attention than a terrible injustice or tragedy? And might that significance be reason enough to justify many of the things we can’t understand, and give some credence to the things we persist in believing?

    Significance, of course, is a difficult thing to find and make sense of in the midst of despair, but surely that shouldn’t have to mean it’s not there.

    I don’t know, Eddie, that thought –if, in fact, there’s a clear thought in there– gives me a sort of peace, and these days even a sort of peace has become precious to me.

    I hope this finds you, brother, and finds you well. I’ve been thinking about you a good deal. That’s all I really wanted to say. Plenty of the memories of our years together are good enough that I pray I won’t have to part with a single one of them in the time that I have left.

    I also pray that you’ve managed to hang onto a few of them as well, and that they give you as much comfort as they give me.

    –A letter found in an old copy of Francis Parkman’s Pioneers of France in the New World

  • Children Of The Damned

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    I was trying to remember where I’d seen the guy before, and it was driving me crazy. I had an image in my head, but I couldn’t quite find the proper context.

    Was he the sullen waiter with the black eye who’d recently served me at that awful new Italian restaurant in St. Louis Park? Or was he the bass player in Jews in Orbit, the band that had played a friend’s wedding reception back in July?

    I decided he was the Jews in Orbit guy. I was almost certain.

    Resolve is what’s called for here, I heard him say. It was clear from his deadpan delivery that he was being ironic.

    The youngster at his side confessed that he didn’t understand the meaning of resolve. In his mind, he said, he pictured a television advertisement for…what was it? A laundry detergent?

    The other fellow –a still youngish man, some kind of father, I suppose, but it was obvious to even the boy that he was in way over his head– said, Steely resolve. You need to learn to exercise some self control, to check your desires.

    It’s my money, the boy said.

    The man shook his head sadly and continued to flip through the racks of CDs. He was wearing a dirty Boston Red Sox cap, a tattered Feelies tee-shirt, long, baggy shorts, and flip-flops. At no time during this brief exchange had he diverted his attention from his browsing. He didn’t so much as look in the direction of the boy who was bouncing anxiously at his side.

    The boy had thick black eyeglasses and an unruly head of brown curly hair. It’s my money, he said again. I want to buy this Iron Maiden CD.

    The man finally turned and addressed the boy directly.

    I want you to understand this, he said, placing his hands on the boy’s shoulders. Are you listening to me? If you buy that Iron Maiden CD I can guarantee you that there will come a day in the not so distant future when you’re going to feel very, very stupid. Do you understand what I’m saying? That is a guarantee.

    It’s my money, the boy said.

    The man snatched the disc from the boy’s hands, shoved it back in the rack, and resumed flipping through the CDs.

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  • Monday

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    There are such beautiful stories tucked away in even the quietest, most settled lives.

    Maybe people today don’t have the kind of access to memory that folks seemed to have in previous generations. The whiz-bangery of this world crowds out the wonder, and makes it hard to have, or recognize, singular experiences for what they are.

    All that bright spectacle and noise pounding away at everyone from all sides, and so much desire, so many commonplace marvels to take for granted, that I suppose it’s rarer all the time for anyone to feel like they’re ever truly and actively in the moment.

    We live surrounded, and even when we’re alone we’re distracted, occupied by passive entertainment, and lonely.

    Still, people do stumble into moments of grace or pure magic, and sometimes they can’t help but be momentarily startled out of their lives.

    That’s the sort of thing that used to happen all the time.

    I have a journal in my great-grandfather’s hand in which he recounts his rural childhood in the days before electrification. He writes of venturing out on Christmas Eve and walking down the long driveway of the family farm. He and his siblings would stand in the middle of the dirt road, surrounded by the snow-swept countryside, and they would listen to the church bells ringing out from the little towns that were scattered throughout the dark fields in every direction.

  • Listen, Ruckert Said, This Is Serious

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    He said: This is a disappearing act for the ages, with a little of that all-the-king’s-horses-and-all-the-king’s-men business thrown in for good measure –although I should say that it never struck me as particularly surprising that horses wouldn’t be much good at putting things back together, lacking as they do opposable thumbs, not to mention hands.

    It’s bad, though, the place I find myself, he said –or, rather, wrote.

    This was on stationery from some Howard Johnson’s in Florida:

    I’m smeared all over the sidewalk, my brains sprung clean out of my broken skull, black birds picking throught the gore.

    Have you ever wondered what happens to the stuff that’s in your mind when your brains get bashed out? Does it evaporate like a gas? Or is it still all stashed away there in the leaking coils of meat? I don’t have any idea. I suppose I’m about to find out.

    Do me a huge favor and give me back my corner, my floor, the feeling of solid ground beneath my tangled feet.

    I’m waiting for another dog to answer my piss.

    Hey, wait, listen to this.

    What’s that you say? You don’t hear anything?

    That’s exactly my point.

    Anyway, here’s the thing, to get back to my original question: You can’t just stick a knitting needle into a pile of brains and say, There’s an idea.

    There’s a thought. There’s a memory.

    And there –right there— is a fucking dream.

    Was, if you know what I’m saying.

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  • Today's Subject Is Failure: One Day Soon That Dam Is Going To Break

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    A night for Barber’s “Adagio for Strings,” for roast beef sandwiches with horseradish, for wrenching squalls, for geese sailing across the sky, for the tired old monkey business with the flag and the usual recrimination, for the bowed back and the metaphoric broken teeth.

    What do you take me for, a leader? I am only a little more this every day, maybe a little better or a little worse, but always this same skin, these same bones, the same cross-wired brain and stuttering heart.

    I make a good mix CD. I have decent taste in footwear. I have a way I like to imagine the world, but the world is just a solid, reliable, and challenging reality, and is unconcerned with my imagination.

    But still.

    What an unsettling business, that hamstrung day behind me. This is the time of year when a man should live in the country, where things are clearer and you can watch things develop in a more leisurely fashion. You can see stuff coming from a long way off out there. There’s a lot more darkness of the pleasant kind, and music fills a quiet room the way it never quite can in the city.

    Was it a pale bird or a pale horse I saw in a dream, standing silent and unmoving in a late autumn wood shot full of moonlight?

    Why the fuck should so much depend on a red wheelbarrow, no matter what color it might be?

    Three a.m., pacing and muttering and climbing the walls and karate-kicking like a madman.

    I had waking dreams of the end of the world. I was trapped in a bell tower, tossing pennies –penny after penny from a giant bucket full of pennies– at chickens rooting around in the rubble beneath me. The stairs that could have taken me down from the tower had collapsed. In the distance I saw a line of blindfolded children, holding hands and being led along a trail by two hooded dwarves. I tried to get their attention by banging on the bell with my fists until my knuckles were bloody.

    At exactly this moment in the waking dream, I was standing at the front window, staring down into the street, when I felt what I was certain was a hand grasping my own. I turned around, startled fully awake, and discovered there was no one there.

    Okay, Mister Bones, let’s go out back and see just what you’re up to.

  • Deep, Deep, Deep; Deeper And Deeper We Creep

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    –Image copyright Karel Cudlin

    What am I? What shall I do? What can I believe and hope for? Everything in philosophy can be reduced to this.

    –Georg Christoph Lichtenberg, Aphorisms

    As long and as far as they can stare into their magic spyglasses they strive to glimpse ever deeper into the star clutter, those little men with their frightening focus and faraway eyes. Lab-coated pygmies dreaming into the darkness, looking for further evidence of their –and our– insignificance. Let’s face it: they already have in their possession too many useless secrets while the rest of us are still five years old and paralyzed, wonder-stunned in the presence of what are essentially variants on the old Alka-Seltzer rocket, the spider web, and the firefly.

    The world can do whatever it wants with you. Don’t hesitate. It can all go so quickly, everything, and then you’ll be left alone in the dark with a television, trying to either forget or remember your dreams, depending on how far along you are in the process of evaporating.