Brad Zellar I don’t know who these people are, have absolutely no idea what they’re saying. Every day, every day, every day some fresh confusion. Fog, I guess, a gray shroud I hunch my way under and through. These weird, fuzzed lights emerging, gauzy red and yellow blobs blooming above me. A sinking plane emerges, the underbelly, … Read more
I wish man had never gone to the moon. This world has tenderized me. I am a vulnerable adult. We all are. We are up to our ears in fairy dust and horse shit and monkeyshine and moonbeams. So let me tell you what I’m looking for. Let me tell you what I want: I … Read more
“There simply aren’t enough letters in the alphabet,” Mr. Lyle Baumgartner announced to his freshmen English class one afternoon. “As presently constructed the language is wholly inadequate to express the depth of my feelings.” He stared out at the blank or incredulous faces of his students. He then leaned on his desk with his left … Read more
By the time I pulled into this completely unfamiliar town my radiator was shot to shit and I was so stoned and hungry that I tried to get the woman at the Taco John’s to sell me a sour cream gun. I was headed for a seminar at a tanning academy, and that notion struck … Read more
A morning like this, a morning on which you will not truly wake up, but rather go through the habitual motions of waking up –brush your teeth, shower, change your clothes, walk the dog, and go off in the usual stupor to work– you’re left wrestling with the old, hard-wired reactions to nights like the … Read more
Dear George Washington Bush, I have to confess to you, sir, that I’ve grown weary of your monkey business. Tomorrow I intend to join with millions of other Americans in voting you out of office. I’m not ashamed to admit that I voted for you last year, but that was last year. I lived in … Read more
Whom the gods wish to destroy, they destroy. Euripedes was a nit-picker. The gods can destroy you on the installment plan, incrementally, step by fucking step. And, yes, madness is in their bag of tricks, but they have bigger, more wicked tricks up their sleeves than mere madness. Let’s say you’re me. But, no, let’s … Read more
For anyone who grew up out in the sticks and harbored big-city dreams fueled by pulp novels and Hollywood noir, Minneapolis’ Elliot Park neighborhood is living evidence that there are still little pockets around the Twin Cities that could give Brooklyn and Chicago’s Southside a run for their money. Tucked away south of downtown, penned … Read more
All right, everybody get in line and listen up. I want you fellas to get some shut-eye so we can all be up and ready to hump it at first light. We’ll be traveling seven miles to the east over rugged terrain. Word has it we might be in for some heavy weather as well, … Read more