The Rake Magazine

Author: Chris Birt

  • Subaru, Turducken, and Other Strange Birds

    A long time ago I was fired from the Byerly’s business (and later restated) for taking a picture of a model holding a Turducken. I depicted this Scandinavian babe in a Bergmanesque pose tortured by existential angst over what to do with the strange aviary object.

    Tres Lund, apparently, did not prefer realism in his supermarket. I can’t be sure, however, that he has ever tried to cook on Turkey Day. After all, what is one to do with a chicken that’s been stuffed in a duck then stuffed in a turkey? (or vice versa?)

    I am told the ad did end up selling quite a few birds.

    Which brings me to Subaru. The recent buzz on the company is the last second hiring of Carmichael Lynch–by all accounts, a great advertising agency. Subaru is going to need one, considering the inexplicable oddness of its new car line.

    For years, Subuaru was a proud and inconoclastic car maker . They claimed, rightly, that their cars were "inexpensive and built to stay that way." They were a poster child for fighting car-based commonism.

    That’s all changed. Their vehicles are now expensive for the money and downright ugly on the eyes. It all started when someone got the weird idea that Subaru could really fly high by paying homage to their history as an aircraft company. This resulted in the Tribeca B9, a bland beast with a grille that reflected their aircraft roots.

    It appears here that they were aiming for the elegance of an Alfa Romeo but ended up with a modern day Edsel

    Subaru’s strange behavior has now reached its zenith in the new WRX–-till recently their "halo" car. I’ve blogged about the previous generations of this car so much that I won’t bore you with the details. The latest generation of the WRX, however, looks like the designers have been overdosing on tryptophan.

    The photo here to the right is not a Mazda 3 or some other econobox but instead the once-sporty-but-now somnambulistic WRX. Hatchbacks never have and never will be true sports cars. Its as if someone told Subaru that all the gung-ho boy racers have matured into grocery-getters ready to put away their childish things. It looks bloated and over-stuffed and the road tests are exactly lofty either.

    Its time Fuji Heavy Industries (Subaru’s parent company) stopped thinking about airplanes and cooked up something like the previous generation WRX. It looked uncommon and flew like a bat out of you know where.

    Which is more than I can say for a Turducken.

    Or these Subies of late.

     

     

     

  • Nature Porn

    Here’s a lil’ sumpin for you nature lovers. Urbanolas. Gore Gurls. Whatever you call yourself.

    A roll between the bouldersUntil this year, all Jeep vehicles were "trail-rated". This has required all vehicles to finish the Rubicon Trail–the most muderous off-road route on the planet (see image). From a design perspective this requires a ladder frame and a solid rear axle (among other things). While this technology is dated, it still has not been surpassed for off-road travel.

    That makes a vehicle like the new SRT-8 Grand Cherokee positively obscene, with 425 horses on tap. As if that were not enough, when surgically-enhanced by Hennessy Motorsports, the Cherokee SRT-8 becomes the fastest production SUV ever made.

    You can thank me now for telling you this. While there are better ways to experience nature, what else could feel this dirty?


     

  • The New Mini. A Maximum Bummer.

    I have driven the new Mini Cooper. So has half the British Press (the one that matters–Jeremy Clarkson in particular–he is the "dog’s bollocks.")

    The universal rap on the new car is that it has been "Americanized." In other words, the automotive equivalent of a nice hot casserole. Its a little bigger, the dashboard is less fussy, it has a few more HP (under 10) and it is sprung a tad bit more softly.

    Pulease. I have written about this car before (see "Big–a meditation on the MIni Cooper). At that time I pondered whether this joyous little piece of sculptured iron was a "Chick Car." I came to the conclusion that if it was, I would change my sex (I already have a gender neutral name, like "Pat", a little snip and we’d be done. Like Hedwig, sorta.)

    The previous Mini was that much fun.

    This new Mini is, how shall I say, all hat and no cattle. Style without substance. It has been egregiously compromised by the Germans and I hold BMW responsible.

    Here are my road notes: The new Mini compared to gen one.

    "Interior: grown up and that’s good. Exterior: bigger, er, no, no make that bulbous (compared to the first generation.) Clutch engagement: Damp noodle (I am reminded of that oxymoronic concept called "British cuisine") Turn-in: Cool but not crisp. Handling: More distant, like an ex-girlfriend. Throttle response: Gen one: atta-boy Gen-two: La-Z-Boy
    Suspension: see "La-Z-Boy." Desire to drive like a German person: nein, nahzink, no vay (can you hear me BMW?)."

    Where the rubber meets the road: In world where a little Honda pumps out 200 HP and DODGE CALIBERS (for chrissake) 300 HP, you need peerless driving dynamics and "feel" to do better with less power. The previous Mini did just that. The current Mini does not. It will sell but its soul has been sold.

  • Tripping the Road Fantastic

    Soon you may be heading off on a thanksgiving vacation. The trip may be short or it may be long. Unless your relations live next door, however, you will have to make that journey in an automobile. These days that will likely mean a minivan or small European "touring wagon" (which Chrysler attempted to call its Pacifica with no luck).

    Alas, I can remember a time when my family made the journey in something closer to a submarine replete with paisley patterned vinyl seats. It was a bright yellow Pontiac Safari wagon. I truly believe it was the closest my parents ever came to experiencing the 60s. Yet for me those Thanksgiving rides always seemed like some kind of trip.

    The Pontiac Safari

    For starters, the Pontiac Safari (and its GM cousins) was the largest station wagon ever built. I found a reference that confirms this:

    "Most of the truly huge station wagons seem to have
    been built before 1982 ( in fact up until 1978). The station wagons with the greatest interior volume
    (passenger volume plus cargo volume) would seem to be the 1971-1976 full-size GM
    wagons with approximately 184 cubic feet of volume. Other leading wagons are the
    1974-1977 Chrysler Town and Country and Dodge Polara/Monaco (177 cubic feet), and the 1969-1978 full-size Ford and Mercury station wagons (169 cubic feet).

    Yet the preponderance of information suggests that the largest
    station wagons of all time were the 1971-1976 Buick Estate, Oldsmobile Custom
    Cruiser , and Pontiac Safari."

    Now I realize my timing is a little off. We owned a 1971 Pontiac Safari which would have placed my family trips safely out of the 60s. Still there was something about this wagon that made me lose my head.

    Was it all that space?

    Was it my sister spitting blue meanies (she kept blue scratch paper that she would chew up into little gross little projectiles) or scratching my forearms (still have scars) with her face flushed as red as Enzo at the racetrack?

    Or was it a little voice inside of me that said, "Someday Chris you will design things for a living. So know right now that these seats belong in a bathroom or a really ugly house. And cars, little boy, are never supposed to be yellow."

    That must have been it. Car seats were just NOT supposed to match the formica on the kitchen counter. And my sister be dammed.

  • Stinking fast Stingray Upon Us

    I’ve always had a thing for the Corvette Stingray. While the basic style of the car has never been improved on since the mid-60s (see image above) it appears the fastest Corvette of all time is upon us.

    Based on the Corvette Z06, the "Blue Devil" Corvette will add a supercharger to its 7-liter V8 to pump out close to 700 HP. That massive engine will be enshrined in a carbon-fiber based body that brings its weight down to that of Cobalt SS (a passable econobox that handles well) or about 2900 lbs. Apparently the car will sticker at around $100.000.00.

    I don’t have 0-60 times but I have heard somewhere under 3 seconds (imagine that.) If this proves the case then the SS or BlueDevil Corvette (whatever they call it) will be the best automotive performance bargain of all time. (Much like the current Corvette Z06.)

  • Rendezvous

    I am experimenting here with this post but I assume you can click on this link and watch one of the most famous underground car films ever made.

    In case you are wondering, the French at the beginning of the video says, "the film you are about to see was made without any trickery or speeding up."

  • Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Chameleon

    You think you know, but you have no idea. This is the true story of when Mercedes-Benz stopped making toys and started getting real with the GL 550. A bit dramatic, maybe- but MB’s top of the line SUV is no joke. They were looking to tap into the market that is dominated by Range Rovers, Navigators, and Escalades- but instead they blew the door wide open.

    Mercedes GL 550.jpg
    Even with the photo stretched you feel the presence of the GL550

    The GL 550 is just as big as its competitors in the SUV market, yet it still handles like its luxury sedans brothers and coupe sisters. Mercedes-Benz says that this is a result of the GL 550 being the only full-sized SUV to have been built with what they call uni-body construction. This special type of construction is supposed to make the car ride smoother, handle better, and weigh less than a comparable full-sized SUV. I have no idea what this uni-body business is all about, but I have to say that what ever it is, it works.

    The GL 550 is a little less flashy than its competitors, due to its design being more rounded. It doesn’t look massive from the outside, however 7 people can fit comfortably in it. And if that last row is necessary, just push a button, because the third row powers up and down automatically. And tell whoever complains about getting into the backseat to stop complaining and enjoy the car’s second sunroof, which is conveniently located over the third row.

    The car has it all for everyone: Standard leather, premium audio, and a trendy look from the front for the flashy crowd; eight airbags, heated front and middle row seats, and a built in first aid kit for the soccer moms.

    The GL 550 is worth your time and then some, and this Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma car is certainly a chameleon. Figure out what you want it to say about you and visit Sears to test-drive both luxury and power.

    CW. The Road Rakette

  • Edina Mom or Ferrari Momma?

    So, like, I use YouTube to post video in this blog. Because of this I must alert my readers (literate gearheads all) that controversy appears to be developing on YouTube over one of my videos. As shameless viewers and readers of my content that makes you all complicit (and potentially famous.)

    The above video is of a Mom from Edina sending her kids off to camp. I blogged about it in August. Unbeknownst to me at the time, lots of people from Edina post on YouTube protesting rapacious development (fearing that their first ring Blaine is becoming, in effect, Blaine) among other things.

    I sense that some of those same well meaning people have taken offense to my use of the term “Edina Mom.” While my video viewed apart from my blog makes no ostensible point, I still sense that I have crossed some invisible social threshold. I think what I have done is dissed the fabled suburb and made fun of a woman who MAY have little idea what her jacket stands for.

    While I still run the great risk of wrongly offending a perfectly fine person with good fashion sense, allow me to make a new observation.

    From years of watching “Edina Moms” (substitute your favorite area: Kenwood, Orono, North Oaks whatever) I can tell the difference between a real Momma (think Pam Grier) and other women. Mommas buy their own wheels (I met one recently who drives an M36 M3 and races it) and don’t bother much with accessories. Women who wear fancy Ferrari jackets don’t. If I had a point, that would be it.

    And with my luck, I’ll find that this woman is really an automotive enthusiast who owns GT Cars trained in the martial arts like Ms. Grier (the former Ms. Quincy Jones.)

  • Bangle Butts, Benzes and Bonding

    Been gone for awhile attending to biz. That being said, I have a few immediate automotive observations to share.

    1) The New Accord shows Japan at its shameless best, again. I coulda’ swore I saw a BMW pull up beside me the other day, but NO, its a direct Bangle-butted four door rice burner called the new Accord: flame surfacing, jutted headlights, the works.

    The funny thing about Chris Bangle’s influence on cars is that other designers seem to have one upped him in refinement.* The new Accord is well resolved and looks far more emotional than a Camry, still.

    2) On the personal front, I acquired a new M550 a few months back in a very quick deal. The 550 is the first E class with the new S-class V8 and its quite the restrained muscle car. Specifically this car is what they call a “fat car” in Germany that is designed to drive well in excess of 100 MPH on the autobahn.

    Because of this, I cannot say I have fully bonded with this car. In fact, because I am a ski racing fanatic and transport ski racers all over the Midwest during the Winter (and French School girls in the summer) I have been wondering WHY I gave up the finest SUV I have ever known for this car–The Toyota Land Cruiser.

    The Benz is comfortable but not large. It is tractable but not terrifying–yet. I bought this car primarily to make my long ski trips more interesting while the family sleeps. That has not happened yet but hope still springs eternal. And, alas, the French girls have all gone back to France.

    * THIS OBSERVATION IS SHARED BY A READER–FROM A PREVIOUS POST: “How true! BMW’s are finally coming out of the Bangle mess (I’m sure you will know what I am talking about here) and the 3-series still isn’t very good looking.”

  • The good, the fast and the very, very ugly.

    fs_800px_1971_marcos_mantis.jpg
    The first generation Mantis. An ugly car from the decade of disco (ugly.) The far better and faster (but still ugly) Mosler is pictured below

    While spending over $200,000 for a car is a little steep, this Mosler is about the fastest vehicle on the planet–according to a recent Motor Trend article. It is also very loud and very, very reliable for a supercar, so the magazines say. In other words its all, or make that almost, all good.

    228200714255.jpg
    The photo does it too much justice. Its ugly, I assure you.

    While this is a great car, I have also seen this car in the bare metal and this car is ugly. It is almost as ugly, in fact, as the first two Moslers–the Consulier and The Intruder, which rank among the ugliest cars ever made. Which brings me to the first generation Marcos Mantis.*

    I think I saw a Marcos Mantis in Milan, Italy as a boy. How else can I explain this nightmare I still have where I am endlessly devoured by a large insect that taunts me in a garbled Scottish brogue? I am no Kafka. So it must be the car.

    * To be fair, this little British company is once again on the upswing. Here is their new site The new car is still, well, I think you get my drift.