-Full tank of gas that has appreciated 100 percent -Cabin polarized into cobwebs versus dustbunnies -Outhouse tipped over by sleeper cell of black bears -Hole in cereal boxes, turds on counters, tiny mouse-sized keg of Bud Light -A startled Dick Cheney reading “Tuesdays With Morrie”
Remember when Sammy Davis, Jr., belted out, “don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time” in the theme from Baretta? The message was that you should be willing to pay the price if you’re willing break the law. But the implication was that punishment for the crime had a clear beginning and end. … Read more
March 17th, 8:45 p.m., St. Patrick’s Day. With a name like Colleen, there’s no way in hell I’m going anywhere today. I used to work at Mickey’s Diner right in downtown St. Paul. I’ve seen enough green vomit to qualify me as an exorcist. So… maybe I’ll read the paper. Business section headline. General Mills … Read more
For years, Como Zoo has been the cheapest way to kill a Saturday afternoon. The zoo is one of the last vestiges of free entertainment in the cities. While enjoying this last ember of civic-minded fun, concerns inevitably arise about the welfare of the zoo’s inhabitants. It has long been fashionable to worry about the … Read more
To lots of people, John Kerry often looks as if he’s brooding or unhappy. But that’s just his neutral expression—his thinking face. Throughout the early primaries, pundits wondered if Kerry “had enough Elvis” to be prez. For that matter, do any of us have enough Elvis? If you can’t impersonate Elvis, then you could do … Read more
Rick Sordelet knows how to fight dirty. “When you’re going to Wisconsin bars as a college kid, you’re going to get in fights, that’s just a given,” he said. He also knows his Shakespeare. He has choreographed fight scenes for sixty-three productions of Romeo and Juliet, including the Guthrie’s current staging. He’s plotted fisticuffs and … Read more
During a lecture to a Harvard class, philosopher George Santayana happened to glance out the window and spot a burgeoning forsythia in a patch of snow. Heading to the door, he declared, “I shall not be able to finish that sentence. I have just discovered that I have an appointment with April.” She’s a sassy … Read more
“Psst! How about a case of meat? Good stuff. Great price. C’mere and have a look.” It happened to Joe’s wife one day as she pumped gas on her lunch break. She and a friend followed the peddler to a van in the Amoco parking lot to have a look. It was tempting. The beef … Read more
Mark Twain was being a contrarian when he said “great writing flatters all writers” because he knew that most writers are constitutionally incapable of this kind of largeness of spirit. Lesser writers—and we are all lesser writers—agree: That was easy for him to say. Those of us who write for a living are often guilty … Read more
Days before the anniversary of the start of the Iraq war, a car bomb desecrated a five-story hotel in Baghdad, killing seventeen people and wounding at least forty. No matter what the complex politics of this act, the truth is that somebody did it because they hate somebody else. I teach my fourth-graders over and … Read more