I’m a renter, not an owner, baby, so why don’t you kill me?
I realize that this may be the final stumbling block delaying my actual adulthood. I certainly know scads of people my age and younger who’ve taken the plunge. As Bob Smith would say, “Why can’t I be you?”
Is it the dough? Nah. I’m not exactly livin’ large, but I’d say I’m still a few years away from living under a bridge drinking Scope, so that’s not it. I’ve got my reasons, admittedly all stupid. Here’s the sad truth: I don’t want to give up all future “renting stories.” Really, I need the material.
There have been plenty of social situations in which I’ve held friends and strangers captive with tales of previous dumps and their inept landlords. One genius that comes to mind was the PETA-hating caretaker who regularly made change from, stored writing implements in, and fished cigarette lighters out of her ample bra—the same Dr. Dolittle I saw on more than one summer night trap an unsuspecting bat in the window and annihilate it with Final Net hairspray. I still don’t know whether that was part of her job description or just recreational.
I loved the spinsters who would clutch their purses and practically walk into walls to avoid eye contact with me. How about the woman who lived above me who one month rented a karaoke machine that apparently featured only one song selection, namely Bette Midler’s can’t-hear-it-enough-times classic “The Rose.” And most memorable was the all-night hallwalker who once knocked on my door asking if she could “borrow a fake fingernail.” Let me rummage through my Lee Press-On Nail junk drawer and I’ll get back to you, wing nut.
If I see a centipede the size of a Humvee in the laundry room, I need to know that it’s someone else’s job to get rid of it, and that if I wanted to I could pack up and flee in my jammies in the middle of the night.
This all makes perfect sense to me, much in the same way that my reluctance to get married isn’t because I fear commitment or think my boy isn’t oh-so-dreamy. My strong principles demand that I never wear white shoes. Not even for a few hours. What’s not to get?
Category: Article
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Soundtrack to Mary
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Sole Survivor
Back in 1966, Dennis Hale had been sailing for three years, all of them on the 580-foot freighter Daniel J. Morrell. The Morrell was in its sixtieth year, one of the oldest of the many freighters plying the Great Lakes. The ship had just finished its already long season, but when another freighter developed engine trouble, the Morrell was sent in to carry the load. It was late November.
On the 29th, the Morrell rounded the thumb of Michigan and was hit by a Huron storm that pitched waves of twenty-five feet over its hull. At 2:00 a.m., Hale was awakened by a loud bang. At first he thought it was the anchor hammering against the bow, but when it came a second time he jumped out of bed and headed for the deck. Wearing only undershorts, a life vest, and a pea coat, he soon found himself standing in ice and water, clinging to the deck rail, and inching toward a lifeboat.
The winds were blowing sixty-five miles per hour. Two flares went up from a group of men huddled at the stern, but they were unaware that a broken antenna had never allowed for a distress signal to go out. As Hale and thirteen of his fellow crewmen waited for their raft to float free, the Morrell suddenly heaved, twisted, and ripped in two. “I can still see the sparks and the tearing steel,” Hale remarked quietly from his home in Ashtabula, Ohio. “The next thing I knew, I was in the water. When I came to the surface, I saw a raft and swam over to it. By the time I got there, two other men had climbed aboard, and we then helped a fourth man on. It was freezing cold and snowing. All I could do was hang on. The storm was over by 5:00 a.m., but by then, two of the men were already dead. The other one died later on.” Throughout that long day no sign of rescue came in sight. “I didn’t expect to make it. For the last twenty-four hours I was more or less just waiting to die. When you’re in a situation like that you don’t care. You just want it to end. It wasn’t important anymore.”
After thirty-eight hours in the raft, Hale was found and rescued by a Coast Guard helicopter. His ankle was broken and his feet were frostbitten, but otherwise, he had sustained only minor injuries. His lack of clothing had actually been a blessing; had he been covered in freezing wet pants, like his shipmates, hypothermia would have set in and, inevitably, he too would have met his end. “That amazes me still,” he said.
Of the Morrell’s twenty-nine-man crew, Hale was the sole survivor. In fact, Dennis Hale is the only man to have survived a modern Great Lakes shipwreck. “That makes me kind of an odd person, I guess,” he said, brightening. “There’s got to be some reason I survived. Maybe I’m supposed to give others hope. Maybe hearing my story inspires people. I talk at these shipwreck conferences.” He’s done eight this past year and has four more to go. “People are real interested. It puts a shift in their perspective.”
In 1999, after twenty-three years on dry land, Dennis Hale accepted an offer to sail out on Lake Huron. “It took a long time to accept the invitation. It was a beautiful June day, but I still had to really think about it.”
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The Wreck of the Madeira
In late November 1905, one of the worst storms still on record overtook Lake Superior in what became known as the “Mataafa Blow.” Just north of Split Rock, the steamer William Edenborn struggled along the North Shore on its way to Duluth, towing behind it the Madeira, a massive 436-foot schooner-barge. As the winds swelled to sixty miles an hour, the two ships were pounded closer and closer to the dangerous rocks along the coast. Hoping to save his own ship, A.J. Talbot, the Edenborn’s captain, decided to cut the Madeira free, leaving it to drop anchor and ride out the storm on its own. The tow line was cut, at 3:30 in the morning of November 28, but it was too late for the Madeira to cast its anchors. Within minutes the ship began to reel about in the thirty-foot waves until it was smashed into the steep cliff walls of Gold Rock, an outcropping a few miles north of Split Rock.
Immediately, the violent deluge began to tear the ship apart and threatened to engulf the ten men aboard. But one young crewman named Fred Benson leapt from the heaving ship onto a rocky ledge with a lifeline attached to his belt. In below-zero temperatures, and with towering waves smashing at his back, Benson somehow managed to climb the sixty-foot cliff. He secured his rope and cast it back to the three men trapped on the bow of the ship. Then Benson scrambled along the cliff edge to toss a second line to four sailors holding on at the stern. All seven were able to climb to safety. Only one man, the first mate, was drowned as the ship was dragged down into the icy depths.
In all, thirty-six seamen were lost in the Mataafa storm, with twenty-nine ships wrecked or damaged. Benson was hailed as a hero in the regional press. To avoid costly improvements to ship construction or the burden of insuring their vessels, the leaders of the Great Lakes shipping industry—-one third of the ships damaged were owned by U.S. Steel—clamored for the government to install more lighthouses along the North Shore. In 1907, Congress appropriated the funds to erect Minnesota’s landmark Split Rock Lighthouse. For years the Madeira remained largely forgotten, until a Duluth diving club, “The Frigid Frogs,” rediscovered it in 1955. It was placed on the National Register of Historic Places in 1992. Today, the Minnesota Historical Society estimates the Madeira to be one of Lake Superior’s most popular underwater sites, with about 1,000 divers visiting each year.
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The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald
When the Edmund Fitzgerald was launched in 1958, it was the largest ship to sail the Great Lakes. At 729 feet and able to haul more than 25,000 tons of iron ore, the freighter was dubbed “The Pride of the American Flag.” Year after year, the Fitzgerald hauled iron ore and taconite out of the Twin Ports, breaking records for tonnage along the way. But by 1975, the Fitzgerald was showing signs of age. A rigorous Coast Guard inspection in the spring of her last shipping season netted a seaworthy certification, but another routine inspection on October 31 revealed cracks in four topside cargo hatches. She was allowed to keep sailing, but repairs were ordered to take place prior to the start of the 1976 season.
Capt. Ernest McSorley was also looking ahead to the next season. It would be his first year of retirement after forty-four years of sailing the Great Lakes and four seasons as master of the Fitzgerald. At sixty-two, he was a respected captain—both for his skill and for his will to keep to a tight schedule.
On November 9, the Edmund Fitzgerald was embarking on its fortieth voyage of the season, hauling 26,116 tons of taconite from Superior Harbor to Detroit. Twenty-nine crewmen were aboard.
The Fitz passed through the harbor channel at 2:20 p.m. in clear and relatively warm weather. Twenty minutes later, the National Weather Service posted a gale warning because of a storm system pushing up over Iowa, Minnesota, and Wisconsin.
Two hours out of port, the Fitz sighted another freighter heading toward the east, the Arthur M. Anderson, a U.S. Steel ship mastered by Capt. Jesse Cooper. The Anderson was coming from Two Harbors. McSorley hailed the Anderson and the two captains agreed to travel together to the Soo Locks. The Fitzgerald, already fifteen miles ahead, would lead the way.
By seven o’clock that evening, the National Weather Service was predicting forty-five-mile-an-hour winds and dangerous waves. The weather was quickly deteriorating. The prediction called for east to northeasterly winds during the night, shifting to northwest by the afternoon of November 10. At approximately 10:40 p.m., the forecast was revised to easterly winds becoming southeasterly the morning of November 10. By 1:00 a.m., the Fitzgerald was about twenty miles south of Isle Royale, confronted by heavy winds and ten-foot waves. At 2:00 a.m., the National Weather Service upgraded the gale warning to a storm warning with shifting sixty-mile-an-hour winds and fifteen-foot waves expected.
About that time, the captains of the Anderson and Fitzgerald discussed the threatening weather and decided to change their route. Heading northward toward the coast of Canada would give them shelter from the expected eastern winds and heavy waves. The ships were already battling sixty-mile winds and torrential rain. Visibility was extremely poor.
With the arrival of dawn, around the time that officials on land were issuing emergency warnings and school closings, the Edmund Fitzgerald reported its route change and an expected delay in arrival at the Soo Locks to the home office. Through the morning, the storm was gaining intensity, knocking out power across the Upper Peninsula and the Canadian coast.
By 2:45 p.m., the winds had taken a significant turn. Now the storm was barreling out of the northwest, pushing up larger waves. The Anderson reported wind gusts over seventy miles an hour. The two ships had lost their land protection.
The Coast Guard was calling on all ships to seek safe harbor. The captains decided to run south toward Whitefish Bay, their only hope for shelter. The Arthur Anderson was trailing faithfully sixteen miles behind as they approached Caribou Island. At 3:15, the Fitz rounded the island heading into the Six Fathom Shoal, a dangerous stretch where only thirty-six feet of water covered the jagged rocky bottom. Cooper followed the Fitzgerald’s progress on radar while crew members watched from the deck. As the Fitz slugged on, Morgan Clark, Cooper’s first mate, called out, “He sure looks like he’s in the shoal area.” Cooper replied, “He sure does. He’s in too close. He’s closer than I’d want this ship to be.”
Around that time, McSorley radioed Cooper: “Anderson, this is the Fitzgerald. I have a fence rail down, two vents lost or damaged, and a list.” McSorley added that he was going to slow down so the Anderson could catch up. “Will you stay by me till I get to Whitefish?” Cooper replied, “Charlie on that, Fitzgerald. Do you have your pumps going?” McSorley replied, “Yes, both of them.”
But the storm was only growing worse. The sea was pitching thirty to thirty-five foot waves. McSorley radioed the Anderson that the raging winds had ripped off the Fitzgerald’s radar antenna. A heavy snow began falling, obliterating Cooper’s view of the Fitzgerald’s lights dead ahead. Winds were gusting to ninety. The Fitz was taking on water faster than it could pump it out.
At 4:30 p.m., the Fitz was seventeen miles from Whitefish Point. The lighthouse at the end of the rugged stretch of land would have been within view had the storm not knocked out both the radio beacon and light. Having already lost its radar and now with daylight fast slipping away, the Fitzgerald put a call out to any ship in the area for help in locating the Whitefish beacon.
The Avafors, a Swedish ocean freighter in the vicinity, radioed McSorley the news of the missing signals. Around 6:00 p.m. the Avafors called again:
Avafors: “Fitzgerald, this is the Avafors. I have the Whitefish light now but still am receiving no beacon. Over.”
Fitzgerald: “I’m very glad to hear it.”
Avafors: “The wind is really howling down here. What are the conditions where you are?”
Fitzgerald: [Unintelligible shouts heard by the Avafors.] “Don’t let nobody on deck!”
Avafors: “What’s that, Fitzgerald? Unclear. Over.”
Fitzgerald: “I have a bad list, lost both radars. And am taking heavy seas over the deck. One of the worst seas I’ve ever been in.”Then at 7:10 p.m. the Anderson’s first mate, Clark, spoke to McSorley:
Anderson: “Fitzgerald, this is the Anderson. Have you checked down?”
Fitzgerald: “Yes, we have.”
Anderson: “Fitzgerald, we are about ten miles behind you, and gaining about one and a half miles per hour. Fitzgerald, there is a target nineteen miles ahead of us. So the target would be nine miles on ahead of you.”
Fitzgerald: “Well, am I going to clear?”
Anderson: “Yes. He is going to pass to the west of you.”
Fitzgerald: “Well, fine.”
Anderson: “By the way, Fitzgerald, how are you making out with your problem?”
Fitzgerald: “We are holding our own.”
Anderson: “Okay, fine. I’ll be talking to you later.”But there would be no further conversations. Shortly after that, the Anderson was struck by two enormous waves in quick succession, plunging the ship’s bow into the water and hitting her hard enough to cause a heavy roll to the starboard side, damaging one of the lifeboats. Captain Cooper later reported, “I watched those two waves head down the lake toward the Fitzgerald, and I think those were the two that sent her under.”
Ten minutes later the Fitzgerald disappeared from the Anderson’s radar. No distress signal went out. No lifeboats were launched. No life vests were donned.
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The Big Blow of 1913
November is readily acknowledged as the stormiest month on the Great Lakes. Each year around the beginning of this steely month, over the largest bodies of fresh water in the world, two storm tracks converge. From the north bear down the Alberta Clippers, full of freezing polar air. From the lee slopes of the Rockies and across the prairie come the heavy, snow-laden fronts. When the storms hit the lakes, the cold air masses pass over waters that are still holding remnants of their summer warmth. The barometric pressure can plummet and the winds can whip up to hurricane force. Waves will build to over forty feet, and the sky is filled with rain, snow, and sleet.
The measure of November storms is still the “Big Blow” of 1913. For four days, it engulfed all five of the Great Lakes, blasting in from the northwest as both gale and blizzard. On Superior, the Henry B. Smith disappeared off Marquette with all twenty-five hands. That wreck has never been found. On Lake Huron, 178 seamen were lost in eight separate wrecks, all with no survivors. The winds at the southern end of the lake whipped 640,000 cubic feet of sand across Port Huron canal, completely blocking passage. The captain of the steamer Argo declared that the storm blew his cargo of lumber into the sea “like toothpicks.” Twenty-two inches of snow fell on Cleveland and the winds across Lake Erie were so steady and strong that the lake was literally pushed eastward, dropping the level along the western shore by six feet.
When the storm was over, twenty ships were lost and tens more were badly damaged. More than 250 men and women died. It was the deadliest storm on the Lakes.
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Too Deep, Too Dark, Too Cold
The gales of November still rage with controversy and treachery, as shipwrecks and their grisly cargo become the hot new tourist attraction.
A beacon of light shines out from the tip of an eighty-mile stretch of shoreline known as Lake Superior’s Shipwreck Coast. It shines from the lighthouse at Whitefish Point, Michigan, over an area known as the Graveyard of Ships. It’s earned this moniker because more vessels have been lost there than in any other part of Lake Superior. In the graveyard, waves of biblical proportions are whipped up by roaring northwest winds carrying the power they’ve amassed over 160 miles of open water. Raging in from all directions, these murderous waves crash back from the shores with even greater ferocity. They are said to strike harder and more often than any saltwater wave. Brutal as hurricanes, but stealthier, these storms often catch sailors by surprise. Hundreds of ships, including the Edmund Fitzgerald, lie on the bottom of this bay and its vicinity. The Fitzgerald’s bell, recovered and restored, is now displayed at the Great Lakes Shipwreck Museum at Whitefish Point. And as the lore goes, the beacon at Whitefish Point has shone unfailingly for nearly a century and a half, except for the night when the Mighty Fitz went down.
When my son was very small, he was mesmerized by water and fire. Among his first words were “boat” and “candle.” By the age of four, he had developed a fierce interest in all manner of watercraft, disasters, and horrible combinations of the two—in particular, the sinking of the Titanic.
With my perhaps misguided support, my son’s fervor soon directed him to tragedies closer to home, and by the time he was five or six, he could do a crackerjack imitation of Fred Wolff, narrator of our worn-out copy of the cassette tape Stories of Lake Superior Shipwrecks, Volume I. Wolff, a professor emeritus at the University of Minnesota-Duluth, bears the sort of thick Minnesota accent you find only in the far north. On many a long drive during those sleep-deprived years, I relied on gas-station coffee to keep from being lulled blissfully to sleep at the wheel by the familiar drone of Wolff’s stories. My son, however, listened on the edge of his seat. What is it about shipwrecks that called so powerfully to this little boy? What is it about wrecks that pulls at him still, pulls at us all, in one way or another?Outside, late autumn rain and wind are ripping wet leaves from the trees in great batches, plastering them against the windshields of parked cars and onto the blackened city streets. Rivers of water rush down the gutters toward the sewer drains, begging to be dammed and diverted by schoolchildren in yellow slickers whose mothers watch anxiously from picture windows as October shudders to an end. It’s a nearly perfect backdrop for an enduring sea tale about a terrible witch and her legacy of destruction: the Witch of November, the scourge of our inland seas, who swallows ships whole, steals lives, and strands mourners helpless on the shore.
From the SS Edmund Fitzgerald (whose November 10, 1975 sinking was made famous the world over by Gordon Lightfoot’s ballad), to the twenty ships and 250 lives lost in the “Big Blow” of November 1913, to the tragic wreck of the Daniel J. Morrell on November 29, 1966, which killed all but one man, left shivering in his shorts and pea coat, the Great Lakes have claimed as many as ten thousand ships and more than thirty thousand lives since the wreck of LaSalle’s Griffon in 1679. Encrypted in the sodden debris of these disasters is the story of our lives, literal and metaphorical, and for that we keep coming back to search.
Most of us respond to the alluring and tragic call of the depths by diving only about as deep as the latest news accounts of recent underwater archaeological discoveries, or by renting Titanic. But a brazen and growing subculture of hardy souls respond more daringly, by plunging into the murky waters to explore the treasure troves of history firsthand. The intrepid few who love to dive have a remarkable single-mindedness for exploration and adventure. Some are brave—or crazy—enough to take on the frigid waters of Lake Superior. A few have even gone 556 feet below the surface of Superior to visit the final resting ground of the twenty-nine crewmen who lost their lives on the Edmund Fitzgerald, also known as the Queen of the Great Lakes, the Pride of the American Flag, the Mighty Fitz, the Titanic of the Great Lakes, and, posthumously, the most famous Great Lakes shipwreck of all time.
Terrence Tysall is a Florida-based professional diver and instructor, and the founder of the Cambrian Foundation, which is dedicated to undersea research, preservation, and exploration. He’s been diving since the age of eight and has seen hundreds of wreck sites, including that of the Edmund Fitzgerald. The expedition to the Fitz was the brainchild of a Chicagoan named Mike Zee, who approached Tysall in the mid 1990s with the notion of conducting a scuba dive to the famous wreck. Although the site had been explored via submarine by a handful of others—including Jacques Cousteau’s son, Jean-Michel, in 1980—no one had ever attempted to take on the intense pressure and cold with just a dry suit and air tanks. “Too deep, too dark, too cold,” explained Tysall. But his dual love of history and the sea compelled him to pursue the proposal, and, in 1995, he and his companions became the first ever to scuba dive to the Edmund Fitzgerald. “It turned out to be my deepest dive,” Tysall said. “In fact, I think it’s still the deepest wreck dive by free-swimming scuba divers—but I’m not a big record guy. I think records cheapen things sometimes.” According to Sean Ley of the Great Lakes Shipwreck Museum in Sault Sainte Marie, Michigan, Tysall’s ’95 dive to the Fitzgerald was the first and the last to date. “It seems that everyone is respecting the wishes of the families,” said Ley, alluding to the wreck’s status as an underwater gravesite.
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Al Franken : The Rakish Interview
Fresh from the flap over his new book Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them, our favorite local boy Franken (he’s from St. Louis Park, you know) has never been better—even when he won five Emmys for his work on the original cast and writing staff of Saturday Night Live, or when he won a Grammy for best comedy album in the 1980s, or when he starred as ersatz new-age twelve-stepper Stuart Smalley in the nineties. Perhaps he reestablished himself as a household name by cleverly arranging to be sued by Fox TV, who objected to the subtitle of his book (“A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right”). Fox wisely dropped their suit last month, recognizing that they’d done nothing other than make themselves look ridiculous and guarantee Franken’s place at the top of the New York Times bestseller list. They crowed that Franken could now “return to the obscurity that he is normally accustomed to.” Which only confirmed just how clueless they are. As one wag wrote in a media insider’s prayer, “Dear Lord, please let me some day achieve the level of obscurity currently enjoyed by Al Franken.” Indeed, for three decades, Franken has never been far from primetime TV or the bestseller list. For his latest act, he has taken on the role of a prophet in the wilderness. At a time when the political left is demoralized and exhausted and just about humorless, Franken has become a one-man crusade defending the good name, high ideals, and biting humor of old-fashioned bleeding-heart liberalism. Lies is a delightful deflation of the monopoly conservative pundits have established in broadcast “journalism” in recent years. It also hits close to home, with a deft analysis of what exactly went wrong in the days and weeks after Paul Wellstone died, one year ago.—Editors
The Rake: For Minnesotans, your chapter on how the right-wing punditocracy spun the Wellstone memorial was chilling.
Al Franken: Well, that’s what the chapter is really about. The Republicans’ idea was to take this memorial and use it for political purposes. That by sorting through what was there on the videotape and taking a couple moments that were inappropriate and showing them over and over again, they lied about what the rest of the memorial was about.
You were at the memorial. What did you think?
At a wake you tell funny stories about people, and laugh and celebrate their life. There was a lot of that, and there was also a lot of weeping and sobbing, and cheering. And it was interesting to see that someone like Joe Klein in the New Yorker wrote a piece about it, and his was a more straight-ahead understanding of what happened, what it was. And it was a reflection of Paul. Paul was an advocate for the dispossessed and the poor, and that’s what this thing was about. It looked like a campaign thing, but it was just really, “Carry forward what Paul believed in.” The only actual campaigning—“We’re gonna win,” that kind of thing—came from Rick Kahn and from Mark Wellstone. And Mark Wellstone lost his dad. Lost his mom, and lost his sister.
What was disgusting was that the Republicans kept saying this had been planned to fool everyone. “It was advertised as a memorial but it was just a political rally.” And that they had planned it. Limbaugh was doing a whole thing like this had been planned. Like it wasn’t what it was—which was an event that the kids had a huge part in planning, an event that the speakers who spoke eloquently about all the people who were lost in the crash, the closest people to Paul, his surviving sons—who had just gone through this trauma—had basically organized, approved of everything, and it was a spontaneous thing. Twenty thousand people came to this thing because they wanted to express their grief, and their joy about his life, and celebrate their lives, and that’s what it was. And people like Limbaugh literally said that people had been bused in. That the audience had been planted. He literally said this. “This was a planted crowd.” And what happens is, there is a right-wing media, Fox and Rush Limbaugh, the Washington Times and the New York Post, and they report this horrible outrage. And especially talk radio.
They get people to complain, and that becomes the story, the complaining. And you know, you have someone in Minnesota, Sarah Janecek, who added to the distortion, saying that it was all scripted, and that the proof was that it was on the Jumbotron, what everyone was saying, and that the people were even cued to laugh and applaud. And of course she was referring to the simulcast. She either didn’t understand what a simulcast was, or she didn’t understand what closed-captioning was, which I think is hard to believe, or she was presenting it as something that it wasn’t. Which is sort of in keeping with all the kinds of distortions I heard in the aftermath of the memorial. There’s something very unspiritual about that kind of taking a tragedy and exploiting it. And that’s what they accused the Democrats of doing, but the only way they could accuse the Democrats of doing that was by distorting what happened.
Let me say something positive. There are definitely people of good conscience on both sides who do try to talk to each other. I have a number of friends who are on what I consider the religious right. One of my best friends might say he’s a Christian conservative or a cultural conservative. He and I probably disagree on almost every social issue. But we’re friends. And I’ve been trying, with not a great deal of success, to get him together with people, for example, from the gay and lesbian community, to get him just to see them more as human beings. And I think he would say that gays and lesbians should have basic rights—not be discriminated against in employment and things like that. But you know, he won’t go that far on things like adoption, and that kind of thing, and that’s because of his deeply felt religious views. I disagree with him. But we can have a civil conversation. And I think he’s a sincere and serious person.
I think that there are sincere and serious people on all sides. Like Paul Wellstone went together with Senator Pete Domenici on certain things. There are people on both sides of the political spectrum who can get together and seriously come to a consensus on things and not do the kind of things that Limbaugh does.
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Bloggy Position: More Than A Mouthful?
Posted October 2 by The Rake
Men are obsessed with boobs, and Kelly is pretty steamed about it.
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Forgive Us Our Trespasses
Try as we do, we can’t always see eye to eye with our friends in outstate Minnesota. (Hell, we don’t even see eye to eye with our spouses always, but that’s another story.) We hate to add fuel to the fire of the present urban-rural dissension, but how can we help it? Now a few greedy Minnesotans have managed to convince the state court of appeals that their local rails-to-trails bike path should be closed, the land fenced and turned over to them for their exclusive use. One imagines it took just minutes after the controversial decision for the rustic mob to turn out with their pitchforks, torches, and No Trespassing signs.
Lawyers representing three land-owners adjacent to the Paul Bunyan State Trail near Walker have filed suit based on technicalities, claiming that the Burlington Northern Railroad never owned the land to sell it to the state—they only had easements dating back to the 1890s. Never mind the fact that in almost every similar case across the country, easements are as transferable as titles and must explicitly be abandoned. And never mind the fact that this sort of ugly selfishness has no place in civil Minnesota society. Their claim is a transparent land grab, and a fine example of not-in-my-backyard softheadedness.
Minnesota has 1,300 miles of trails converted from railroads—a happy state of affairs endorsed in precincts as far away as the U.S. Supreme Court. At the same time that railroads were being decommissioned in the late seventies because of the rise of truck and air transport, courts recognized the value of railroad corridors and acted almost universally to ensure their continued preservation in the interest of the public. That commitment to “railbanking” proved to be prescient. Virtually every community in the nation that has created one of these paths has seen its investment returned in a bounty of tourism, recreation, and community spirit. Property values increase, the tourist economy takes off, people are agreeably sociable, everyone wins. Except the hardbitten redneck who would sooner shoot his own foot than abide city slickers in Lycra.
It gives us pause to consider how this situation is handled in the Old World. In Scandinavia and in the British Isles, for example, private property has an even more storied and sacred past. And yet in places like Scotland and Norway, there are explicit “Freedom to Roam” laws that make it illegal to prevent law-abiding, nature-loving citizens from walking harmlessly through one’s “private property.” Nature is seen as a national treasure and inheritance. Access to it is a birthright. And even in the more ill-tempered counties of England, there are national holidays known as “Trespassing Days,” where roaming is encouraged and supported as a noble principle.
And now three “property rights” bumpkins up past Brainerd may have the courts tied up for years to come, threatening the continuity of every public trail in the state. Imagine the daydreams of shameless litigators, hoping to cash in on the deep reservoirs of misanthropy, xenophobia, and yuppie hatred that are as much a part of the rural landscape as creosote, mullets, and grain elevators. And this surly mob may effectively reduce the state’s trails to a fractured system of dead ends. Mike Sandberg, of Guthrie, was one of the few landowners who was willing to speak publicly on behalf of the Covetous Three. Resorting to the time-honored babblings of anti-government paranoia, he said of the state, “They think they can do whatever they can do. They want the land.” We have news for you, Mr. Sandberg. “They” is us. There are more of us than there are of you. And yes, we want our trail back.
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Bun-huggers!
“Those gals look pretty darn nice in them,” quipped Minnesota marathon legend Dick Beardsley, referring to the extremely short shorts that elite women marathoners seem to prefer. “To me they look uncomfortable.” They are commonly called bun-huggers, but on the package, they’re called running briefs. While most of the guys along the Twin Cities Marathon course will be covering as much leg as possible, the fastest women will be wearing obscenely skimpy shorts. Nobody seems to know why women wear them and men don’t, but who can explain fashion, let alone sports fashion? Probably it has to do with animal instincts. Everyone believes that a pair of shaven, muscular thighs has the ability to psyche out the opponent. (This seems to be especially true in track and field, volleyball, and tennis—but not, curiously, in women’s basketball or soccer.)
There’s talk of spawning a bun-hugger movement, and it’s not a conspiracy hatched by male oglers. “We’re trying to get more people to wear them,” said Sharon Stubler, an elite runner who, at 38, concedes that she may be too old to be wearing her underwear in public. For reasons of modesty, most citizen runners opt for longer shorts, popularly called “fat boys” or “baggies.” Novices in the sport believe that these shorts will cover the unsightly, fleshy inner thighs. But in truth, they have an annoying tendency to creep up in the middle. If you wear a pair for the long haul, you’ll spend the better part of 26.2 miles yanking out snuggies and tugging at the hem of your shorts.
How to avoid this frumpy fate? Bun-huggers! These little shorts are guaranteed to stay in place because they take the opposite approach to the problem: They’re supposed to stay tethered to your crotch and stuck up your behind. You’ll end the race just as you started it: with your voluptuous thighs nakedly exposed.
The very first time I successfully jogged around Lake Calhoun without stopping, it occurred to me: I should run a marathon. It was late fall. I was wearing an oversized T-shirt and sweat pants cut off at mid-thigh. I imagined my training would earn me svelte, long legs that looked great in more revealing shorts. But as the marathon neared, I realized that my inner thighs had maintained some of their famous curves. My first reflex was to reach for the fat boys. Cover them up! As my mileage increased, my tolerance for shorts that rode up decreased. Soon, I found myself standing at the start of the Twin Cities Marathon in lewdly short running shorts. Dick Beardsley would not have been so impressed.
At the sporting goods store, I encounter female marathoners grappling with the running-short dilemma. The beady eyes of an average runner dart up and down the aisles of the apparel department, searching for some compassion in a sea of blue, black, gray, and white stripes. Wives shout to their husbands from behind the dressing room door: “No, I won’t come out. I look like a hippopotamus!” Serious running shorts are a wardrobe of intimidation and accusation. When it comes down to it, the emasculating designers at Nike and Adidas have no sympathy for biology.
The average woman at the running store is built with thighs that rub together when she walks or runs. Unless harnessed or eliminated, fat deposits will cause her inner thighs to rub raw during a marathon. Her dilemma: Bun-huggers leave her thighs in harm’s way, fat boys ride up. She is just about to throw her hands in the air and take up cycling, where her legs can cocoon in a pair of biker shorts.
As an aspiring marathoner hoping to emulate the go-fast crowd, I took another tip from the elites and turned to a skin lubricant. Most runners, including Dick Beardsley—whose thighs do, in fact, rub together—slather this stuff onto their inner thighs before each run. With lube, even I could wear bun-huggers. Last year, my legs happily swished along for the entire race. Just to be on the safe side, I greased up again at around mile 19, where the National Guard made generous offerings of Vaseline. On I went, gracefully gliding along Summit Avenue, turning heads all along the way. —Christy DeSmith