Category: Article

  • Touchdown Sally

    There are some who would contend that women can’t—or shouldn’t—block, hit, or tackle. But one Saturday morning in late April, the players and coaches who constitute our state’s premier women’s tackle-football team, were demonstrating just how tough the gentler sex can be. For the team’s annual tryouts, the Minnesota Vixen had congregated in the lobby of Klas Center, Hamline University’s student union. Even though there had been a steady downpour that morning, the team held out hope that some promising newbies would show, prepared to run through drills with the returning players. “In the rain?” whined a young offensive guard. “This is football!” howled an elder teammate.

    Then Michelle Braun, a veteran center, marched in, her new, custom-made “Zena” shoulder pads in tow. “Are those the boob pads?” asked Sara Schoen, a lithe, thirty-something tight end. Schoen grabbed the silvery, robotic-looking shoulder pads, and fingered the breast plate, as if trying to figure the cup size. The problem with traditional shoulder pads, complained Schoen, is that they ride up. Some women cannot fit them over their breasts, and so must wear this essential equipment uncomfortably high on their shoulders. But these “Zena” numbers, tailored to fit a C-cup by prominent pad maker Douglas, are, Braun asserted, much more comfortable.

    The players were dressed in waterproof pants and embroidered team sweatshirts. Bandanas were tied around many of their foreheads, or they wore their hair pulled back into ponytails and buns. Many of the teammates hadn’t seen one another since last season’s finale; as they gathered at four round tables, they dissolved into a huddle of chatter and hugs. Meanwhile, visitors and hopefuls were made to feel welcome. Life partners were introduced. Many women related stories of having played on boys’ football teams. There was even a little gossip; the juiciest tidbit involved the team’s twenty-four-year-old star linebacker, Kim Miller, a tall, thin (but sturdy) player who grew up in a Mennonite family of ten children. Miller, it turns out, is dating one of the team’s coaches, although her teammates seemed uniformly pleased by how professionally the pair has handled their entanglement.

    Through all this, a trim, blond-haired young man with a wide smile and sunny disposition was buzzing about. Doug Farwell has never played football—the closest he came was marching band. But he now finds himself serving as the team’s volunteer president nevertheless, lured in by his wife, Carrie, an offensive tackle. Farwell busied himself handing out waivers, checking for proof of health insurance, distributing the player handbook—which included the eight-game 2006 schedule—and collecting player fees (one thousand dollars per player per year—plus equipment). The best thing to come of Farwell’s advanced organizational skills of late: securing the Klas Center Field, a modern, comfortable facility, for the Vixen’s four upcoming home games, where fans will finally be able to get a beer.

    Farwell was not the only X-Y chromosome in this fray. The Vixen have seven coaches—all men. Segregating themselves at their own table, the coaches were rarely seen interacting with players. What’s with the all-male coaching staff? Men know the game better, having been given the opportunity to play high school and college football, claimed Head Coach Wayne Erickson. His explanation seemed reasonable enough, but then, venturing an amateur psychosexual theory, Coach Erickson attempted to elaborate, saying, rather quietly, “You know as well as I do that, in certain situations, women tend to become a little headstrong. One woman defensive lineman trying to teach another woman defensive lineman? That’s just not going to work.”

    Out on the soggy field, the women were directed through endurance, agility, and footwork drills. A walk-on emerged as a promising candidate for running back. The participants in the passing drills consistently fired precise lasers and bullets; and as it turns out, naught a one Vixen threw like a girl.

    “Big girls come with me,” shouted defensive coach Dann Lickness, gesturing with his arm. The self-identified burlier players scampered after him. Down at the opposite end of the field, they practiced blocking exercises. Meanwhile, the leaner quarterbacks, running backs, and receivers continued to pass and catch.

    “This brings back so many memories,” said Dave Mora-Clark, a squat assistant coach. Although he had taken refuge off the field, and was now standing under an umbrella, he seemed to be getting only more drenched while admiring the wet fieldscape. Raindrops dripped from his eyelashes. “Now this,” he said, with a sigh, “this is football.”

  • “Bitch-Slapped by Mother Nature”

    told my girlfriend Liza that I was going camping for a week with some friends at a remote nature preserve in the mountains of Tennessee, where there would be no modern conveniences. She peered at me over the rims of her geek-chic glasses. “Now, why the hell would you want to do that?” she said.

    Liza is from New York City, and I take great pleasure in slathering her with folksiness whenever I can. I do this because when she talks to me about “last season,” I know that she’s probably not referring to the Farmer’s Almanac. By shoving my Midwestern-native status in her face from time to time, letting a little Fargo creep into my voice after a glass of chardonnay, I figure I’m doing her a favor. It makes her feel like more of an outsider, which is secretly what all transplanted Manhattanites love to feel like.

    “Liza!” I said. “It’s a vacation! It’s an adventure! Hiking! S’mores around the campfire! Doesn’t it sound like fun?”

    “No,” she replied. “But you tell me all about it when you get back.”

    So OK, Liza. Here it is in black and white. It was one of the most trying, difficult weeks I ever had. I was bitch-slapped by Mother Nature. I thought that because I’d watched six seasons of Survivor, I had learned how to survive. All it really meant was that I could operate a television set.

    The thing was, I may not be a hardened urbanite, but I’m not what most people would call “outdoorsy,” either. My nifty new hiking boots had never ventured beyond the rough-and-tumble terrain of the Lake Calhoun footpath. I borrowed a tent and lantern from my pal Jim, who gave a low whistle when I admitted I’d never gone camping before. “Well,” he said, loading the gear into my station wagon, “you should be fine. The tent is orange, so rescuers can find you.” But if the bears found me first in my DayGlo dome, they might just think, “Yummy candy shell.”

    “At least you’re not going in the winter,” Jim said, slamming the hatch door. “I won’t go winter camping anymore. I only went once. Here’s the thing about winter camping. You pretty much just add the words ‘OR ELSE I’LL DIE!’ to the end of every sentence. As in, ‘Oh! I’d better get that fire started.’ Or, ‘I’ve got to get my tent set up.’ ”

    Jim saw my eyes widen and hurried on. “You should be fine, though. If the weather holds out.”

    The first day, it drizzled for ten hours straight. When my companions and I got sick of hiding in our tents, we huddled by the fire in our ponchos, with gray skies spitting all over us, and tried to make merry by opening a bottle of wine. I found that if I am drinking outside, and it is raining, and there is no live band playing, I don’t feel festive. I feel like Boxcar Willie.

    I was starting to smell like him, too. The park ranger had told us to refrain from using perfumed soaps because it said to the bears, “I am here.” I quickly developed a ripe musk that a male Sasquatch might mistake for a female in heat. I imagined trying to let him down easy. “I’m sorry, Bigfoot, it’s totally not you. You’re great; it’s just that I’m married.”

    Once the rain stopped, we had to go into town for dry matches. Only two days into my back-to-nature adventure, and I was itching to buy something. Anything. Because buying things makes me feel like a civilized person, a part of a larger whole, a world where printing presses exist, and frappuccinos. But the pickins were slim. The gift section of the convenience store offered jars of jelly with little pillows of gingham cloth covering the lids, pickled okra, and brown suede knee-high moccasins (the sort favored by Fleetwood Mac fans worldwide). There was also a broad selection of knobby, wooden walking sticks, for that stylin’ “woodland pimp” look. The cashier was wearing an angler’s vest with more pockets and flaps on it than an Advent calendar. He sure didn’t smell like he had any chocolate on him, though.

    I didn’t go away empty-handed; at least I picked up some toilet paper. But when there is no toilet I guess you just call it “rump paper.” If you had told me a year earlier that I would be digging a hole in the ground to crap in, I would have wondered what apocalyptic sect you belonged to.

    So, Liza, because I know these words will ring sweetly in your ears, and because I believe in admitting it when it’s true:

    You were right.

  • Constant Commenter

    When Kate Parry became the Star Tribune’s “reader’s representative” in December 2004, she told readers she was their “advocate in the room. My job … is to take [your] concerns and make sure the newsroom understands them … It’s a good thing when someone wants to call, even if they’re angry. It’s a good connection.” Unless the reader in question is a very frequent complainer like Dan Cohen, and the issue is making Star Tribune staffers pay for something that they used to get for free—their own newspaper. Then you may find that the “good connection” gets disconnected.

    Cohen, who successfully took the Star Tribune all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court for outing him as an anonymous source, takes great glee in continuing to torment the paper. After Parry got her gig, Cohen, according to Parry, began emailing her almost daily. Cohen, who admits as much, says that he was simply exercising his rights as a reader to complain. Parry, however, counters that she did not sign up to be a “punching bag” for Cohen’s “abusive emails.”

    So, when the newspaper got egg on its face for first requiring its staffers to pay for newspapers and then threatening to hunt down the ones who stiffed the company newspaper rack (former Twin Citian David Carr wrote a hilarious New York Times story about it), Cohen got really busy. He wrote several emails chiding the paper for failing to respond to the Times story, while at the same time taunting Parry with her own promise to provide “a window … on how the newspaper makes decisions.”

    On April 24, Cohen received the following email from Managing Editor Scott Gillespie. “I don’t want you communicating with Kate Parry again. That means writing her messages directly or copying her on messages.” Then Gillespie went one step further and said, “you should message me directly: not Kate, not Anders [Gyllenhaal, Star Tribune editor in chief] … if you’ve got a legitimate question about the content of the paper … send it my way.”

    Cohen gave me the emails regarding the paying-for-papers brouhaha. (Kate Parry would not give me the copies of his other emails and Cohen said he would only “if pushed.”) The emails I did see simply questioned why the paper failed to report on a story covered in the New York Times, Politics in Minnesota, and even City Pages. The paper’s responses that I saw sidestepped this question and did not make any comments about Cohen harassing Parry or being abusive.

    Even Stevie Wonder can see that Cohen has a thinly veiled agenda of wreaking havoc with the paper whenever possible; still I think he correctly calls out the Star Tribune on its own hypocrisy here. Having gone a round or two with the paper myself—I used to write a column for them and we parted on less-than-pleasant terms—I personally know that this paper does not always practice what is preaches. Complaining to the Star Tribune is OK—if it is the right complaint, on the right issue and one does not complain too often.

    Fortunately, Gyllenhaal wisely saw the dangers of Gillespie’s attempt to bully Cohen. After hearing from Cohen directly, Gyllenhaal wrote that another frequent Cohen target, Katherine Kersten, was “very much up for the criticism as well as compliments.” Cohen told me he took Gyllenhaal’s response as a “pass” to write as often as he chooses to anyone at the paper without being admonished like a bad little boy. Parry, however, responded that Cohen’s interpretation was all wrong and that he remained no longer “welcome to write to her.”

    Gillespie has since told me that Cohen simply needs to take a “time out” and that no one is banned from writing “substantive emails” to the paper “four times a day every day” if he wants to, as long as he does not make “personal attacks on the character of the person [he is] writing to.” Gillespie further concedes that deciding when an obnoxious reader needs a “time out” is currently a subjective “judgment call” and that maybe the paper should “kick around” establishing clear guidelines.

    I think Gillespie is starting to understand what this whole ruckus is really all about. If the Star Tribune is going to have a true “reader’s representative,” then she and her newspaper must have the cojones to take on all comers—from the meek and mild to the Dan Cohens—or clearly state that some complainers can wear out their welcome of certain editors and columnists of the Star Tribune.

  • Pastor Hamilton's BBQ

    Some believe that really good barbeque is made by divine intervention. If that’s the case, then Pastor Luches Hamilton has the inner track. Working out of a tiny space adjacent to his church in St. Paul, he turns out sticky ribs and jo-jo potatoes that answer a higher calling: selling barbeque to raise funds for his church’s youth programs. Even though he does a brisk lunch-and-dinner business Tuesday through Saturday, the friendly pastor doesn’t mind chatting while he cooks—just don’t ask him to reveal the family’s secret sauce recipe. On Fridays when the weather’s warm enough, the operation moves outdoors for an old-time cookout. The prices are almost sinfully humble, too, considering you’re being served a big slab of paradise. NOTE CORRECTION ON ADDRESS: 1150 7th St. E., St. Paul; 651-772-0279; www.pastorhamilton-bbq.com

  • Object Noises

    When someone’s standing at a bus stop with a human head wrapped in a shawl or tucked in a bag, it’s easy enough to stop them from boarding a bus. Simply move away from your coffee at the table on the bar’s patio. Catch the bus driver’s eye as you walk. He will either keep the door closed or start letting people board but will not drive away, whichever is less likely to cause suspicion in the mind of the young woman who is carrying the head. Tap the ear bud hidden behind a curl of your hair—sweat and grime work their way around the thing sometimes, loosening it—and speak clearly as you walk; the receiver in your watch will transmit your voice. Call the police. They’ll arrive quickly, so there will probably be no need for the gun you’ve been issued, but keep your free hand on it, just in case.

    Everything is in the eyes. The exchange of split-second glances between you and the bus driver; never losing sight of the woman as she moves through the line; the rest of the people in line at the bus stop and the looks they give—no matter how hard they try not to—the woman with her bird-like eyes, the bulging package, and to each other once they realize there is a smell and where that smell is coming from and what it is. Sometimes there is also a kind of glancing exchange between you and the head. If, as the woman struggles with the police, the head does not remain fully covered or does not become completely unwrapped and thuds to the ground, one vacant eye often peeks through a little, staring you down. Here is my head; where’s the rest of me?

    Arthur leans against the greasy, dust-streaked glass of the bus shelter. The police have come and gone, the bus has departed. I’m sorry, but I don’t know, he addresses the head, a sort of reply. That’s all he can ever answer them. The dusty ground whispers and creaks, exhausted from bearing the weight of a bus and the gossip about the arrest.

    Arthur’s boss mentored him when he first started his job, but even she, a skilled patroller in her own right, did not possess Arthur’s depth of talent, and he mentally added a few chapters (such as, for instance, to expect talking heads) to her training manual.

    Arthur hears voices—a voice—in everything. They generally last only a few days before dying, dying, he decides, like the roses he cuts from his garden and sets in vases around the house. These voices are traces of the person who last touched the object. Arthur wants to be a noise left behind: the tinny drone vibrating from a fork after he is done eating, the muffled sobs issuing from a wastebasket full of soggy tissues when he has a cold, the scuff and crackle of a carpet in winter after he has just shuffled across it. The idea intrigues Arthur: to hum on, to be the bodiless presence of a body already gone, to prolong life for just a little while longer, and then fade away.

    In addition to counting on the heads calling out to him (the heads must be fresh enough to work the healing magic their dying buyers hope for), Arthur also depends on his hatred of the head trade to focus him.

    When Arthur was a child, his father became gravely ill. For a long time, a string of doctors came and went through the house where his father lay bedridden. None supplied a cure, though all attempted through a variety of medicines and diets. In between doctors’ visits, Arthur sat with him. Another child may have found the atmosphere in the bedroom creepy, heavy with the smell of medicine and unwashed bedding and troubled with a shivering skeleton of a man who was more often than not fitfully asleep. But Arthur loved sitting with his father. Before getting sick, his father had been a busy man, never home a lot and, when he was, never lingering long over any one object. Confined to his bed, Arthur’s father touched the same objects over and over, layering them with noises. Arthur heard each one and came to know through them his father’s routine and emotions.

    In a final attempt to save her dying husband, Arthur’s mother bought a human head. The trade was then more widespread than it is now. Though his mother courted danger by carrying out this illegal transaction through a slit in some back-alley door in the middle of the night and in the bowels of the city, she, a mainstream, well-to-do woman, had no problem finding that back-alley. Arthur watched her walk through the city. He followed her on his bicycle, leaving the house when she did, thinking at first she was going to drown herself in the river like the old mayor had when his wife was sick. As they moved deeper into the city, he realized what she was actually doing. Perched on his bicycle, around the building from where his mother stood whispering through a hole in a door, Arthur pictured the transaction the way a boy imagines buying marbles from a dime store: the passing of coins across a counter, a package changing hands, a done deal.

    Now only the most well-connected can arrange such deals. The price, though, remains the same now as it was back then: Someone must first lose his head. The homeless, estranged from concerned friends and family, are often preyed upon. Those who lose their heads are innocents: robbed of their lives in one last desperate deal struck by someone else’s desperate husband or wife or parent, a deal which, more often than not, will nonetheless fail to save the ailing loved one. The magic of the sacrifice is not nearly as strong as some hope it will be.

    Arthur’s father died, and, as quickly as the object noises faded from his bedroom—the sighs from his pillowcase, the scratchy swish from his toothbrush, the gentle murmurs from his notebook—Arthur realized another person had faded away, too. From his experience with his father, Arthur had learned how meaningful it could be to spend time with someone before that person’s death, and he understood that the victim’s family had been robbed of this experience. His devastation over this never abated.

    Arthur moves away from the bus shelter, retreating from the intensifying afternoon heat to sit inside the bar. He fills a tiny plate with a couple of rounds of crusty bread and sweaty cheese from the platters that have been set out. He pulls the toothpick out of each item and leaves them in a small pile next to his plate—a game of pick-up sticks that will, at the end of his meal, determine the total he owes the bartender.

    The bar top, its lacquered surface visibly scratchy with evidence of people—the keys, pocket knives, and coins that have been dragged across its surface over the years—is nonetheless silent, indicating that no one else has sat there yet that day. This gives Arthur a rare moment of quiet, which he appreciates; not all echoes are pleasant. He squints out the bar window at all the mid-afternoon noises he’s left outside with his chained-up bicycle, which he rides to and from work (and after work) every day.

    At the end of each evening, Arthur sits at his computer, still winded from his after-work ride, kneading his palm into his left thigh, which aches even after months of exercise. Logging onto one particular bicycling website is part of his routine. After registering a few bits of personal information, he is now allowed to record and post how many miles he rides each day. The computer ranks the registered participants daily. Arthur joined because each participant’s name hums with a little echo of its human counterpart. The Web, to Arthur, is one huge, ever-changing, ever-vocal object noise.

    “Tread” is the name that stands out to Arthur. Tread is ranked number one both for miles ridden this year and miles ridden this month. Arthur is ranked 285th. Tread is female, and she rides a bike that is very old, a bike that she bought for five dollars from a friend, but that is light and sleek. Even its color seems slick to Arthur: silver. Tread uses the computer at the public library to log onto the bicycling site. She has curly blond hair and a set of scars on her left cheek from when her alcoholic mother burned her as a child. The scars look, if one looks at them while thinking about bicycling, like a very thick tread.

    Those details are all things Arthur learned about Tread by reading the short notes she sometimes attaches to her mileage. The notes section was designed to record weather, nature observations from your ride, or an interesting explanation for why you rode so long or so short, but Tread seems to use the space just to talk.

    Of course Arthur can look closer and sense things other than just the posted messages. Tread’s name has a very gentle hum. The noise makes Arthur think Tread is a kind person. He knows, from past experience, the noises unkind people emit. Arthur once went on a date with such a person.

    It would have been a date, actually, had the woman had more time before catching her bus. He had met the woman at a bar, the very bar he now sits in, gently chewing on a toothpick. She came in to use the restroom, and when she exited, crumpling brown paper towels in her hands, she walked toward Arthur. He thought she was smiling at him, but, as she neared, he saw she was really smiling at his plate of food.

    “I’m starving,” she said, sitting on the stool to Arthur’s left. She pounded her open palm on the bar to get the bartender’s attention. “Omelet and potatoes,” she said.

    “Kitchen’s closed for the midday,” he said, “but you can help yourself to the snack platters … ”

    The woman interrupted him with a snort. “I don’t want the snack platters. What kind of a ridiculous restaurant closes its kitchen?”

    “This is a bar. Never claimed to be a restaurant.”

    “Fine.” The woman grabbed a plate and, using her fingers instead of the toothpicks, grabbed several items from each platter. She took a bite out of one, mashed another with her thumb, and dropped a couple on the floor. As she stood, she slapped Arthur on the shoulder.

    “Enjoy yourself in this hole, buddy. I have to catch a bus.” And then she was out the door.

    Arthur was not used to connecting with people, and he was startled to hear a scream when the woman’s hand connected with his shoulder.

    Tread’s name on his computer screen does not scream. Arthur could never picture her taking the bus anywhere.

    Arthur knows his desire to become an object noise is melancholy and old-fashioned—perhaps even romantic—but also genuine and well-intentioned, the only way to feel wholly human. He thinks from her noises that Tread would understand. He hopes to meet her someday. Arthur looks around and wonders about the possibility of Tread coming into this particular bar. He twirls a toothpick between two long fingers. Who are you, Tread? Where are you? Here is your mileage; where’s the rest of you?

    The next day Arthur has to take the bus. His leg completely cramped up during his after-work bike ride the day before, and the ache never really went away, as it usually does. He wakes early enough to bike to work, but his leg collapses as he steps out of bed. He limps to the refrigerator for orange juice, and, when he’s still limping to the bathroom to brush his teeth, he realizes he must forfeit his bicycle for that day and instead take the bus to work.

    The bus, always buzzing with noises audible only to Arthur, is not his favorite means of transportation. Though Arthur lives for object noises, he appreciates moments of quiet. The search for a little bit of silence is what prompted him to start riding his bike, rather than taking the bus, to and from work. His hands grip his own bike’s handlebars, which quietly echo nothing but Arthur riding his bike, softly folding into the reality of Arthur riding his bike. He pushes through the wind and, except on the rare occasion that it carries with it the lingering strains of a backyard barbeque or a kite-flying competition, it is mercifully silent.

    Arthur winces as he steps onto the bus. The pain in his leg is sharp, as are the wheezes coming from the fare boxes. Fare boxes always sound desperate and tired and a little bit sad and angry—all that hard-earned money people pour into something designed to take them to and from work, where they just earn more money that ends up going to the bus.

    Arthur shuffles down the aisle, touching the backs of seats as he walks, hearing the sticky slurp of the legs of past occupants suctioned to the vinyl and the impatient tap of long-gone fingers. These are not noises he wants to listen to for the duration of the commute; he keeps walking.

    At the back of the bus there is an old man, cradling a bag on his lap. To the others on the bus, if they noticed at all, the bag might contain a melon or ball used for sport. But to Arthur, the bulging bag suggests something else entirely. He forgets the senses most ordinary people employ —doesn’t it smell yet? Everyone is staring out the windows, picking sprinkles off their breakfast, flipping pages in the newspaper. Arthur doesn’t really know how the package looks or smells to others; he just knows how it sounds to him. He feels his heart beat faster as he turns on the receiver in his watch, then reaches for his gun. He won’t be able to be discreet this time; the man before him clearly has heard him call the police, yet he doesn’t move.

    The bus has stopped; Arthur will be able to hear the police siren any minute now. He opens the bag. The head is on its side, but one eye appears to be looking slyly through blond ringlets at Arthur. The thick, ridged scar on her cheek is clearly visible.

    As always, everything is in the eyes. Arthur looks at the head and asks the unanswerable: Here is Tread; where is the rest of her?

    Arthur speeds up as he approaches the crest of the hill, then swoops, coasting down it, curving with the winding road, skidding a little when his front tire hits a bit of gravel that has strayed from the shoulder. It’s wonderful to ride Tread’s bike, which Arthur got from the police once they were done with it. The bike would have been sold in one of their auctions anyway, and, since they know Arthur, they just gave it to him.

    The wind gently tugs his hair, still thick after all these years. Having learned from the police Tread’s real name, which is—amazingly, perfectly, simply—also her password on the bicycling website, Arthur has already logged on under her screenname. When he takes his own bike out, he records his score under his own name, but, more often than not, he rides Tread’s bike and records under Tread’s name. And though Arthur feels a little bad about being responsible for Tread’s ranking having plummeted to 159th, he will never stop riding that bike. He loves feeling in himself the echo of a person long gone, a person once bodiless and now, strangely, whole.

    By Kristin Thiel

  • The Magic Flute

    No celebration of vocal excess is complete without at least one Mozart opera. This year’s Saint Paul Summer Song Festival meets that requirement by adding a film component to its annual lineup of music recitals (which features British baritone Christopher Maltman, mezzo-soprano Jennifer Larmore, and the Rose Ensemble, among others), screening Ingmar Bergman’s 1975 version of The Magic Flute. Mozart’s opera spins a silly fairy tale about a young man’s epic journey; Bergman’s film, in turn, presents the opera from an omniscient perspective that follows the action both onstage and backstage. See it with a crowd that knows and loves the opera. Håkan Hagegård, the Swedish baritone who played Papageno, will introduce the film. www.schubert.org; 651-292-3268; www.ordway.org

  • Minnesota Dreamin'

    A few weeks ago, when the Powerball was around $300 million, one of the chefs at my day job took up a collection among the employees at five bucks a head to buy as many tickets as he could. “Remember the Lunch Ladies!” he said. And so almost everybody pitched in for her share, and we had one of the best workdays ever. The driving force was the series of great, spotty conversations we had throughout the day as each of us considered what we’d do with our multi-million-dollar cut. I guess that’s what you’re really paying for when you buy a ticket. The dream.

    Some of us knew right away what we’d do. For others it was a fantastic exercise in imagining a Donald Trump-style, full-tilt boogie cash wallow. For those folks, it wasn’t a matter of if they’d quit their day jobs or whom they would sever ties with. It was a matter of how they would do those things. One guy spoke wistfully of paying his mother-in-law a monthly stipend if she’d say things to him like, “You’re right!” and “I’m so glad my daughter married you!” for the rest of their natural lives. He guessed it probably would cost him about five hundred dollars a month, a bargain.

    Later, I asked my husband what he would do with a few extra mil, and he said that he might quit his job. He wouldn’t make a big production out of it; there would be no rebel yells or end-zone strutting. He’d just come in, announce that it was his last day, and knock one item off every desk he passed on his way out.

    “Of course I wouldn’t be selfish about it,” he said. “I’d probably buy the freedom of one of my fellow slaves, my best friend. My best friend would be determined on the spot by a talent competition. Break dancing, yodeling, whatever people felt comfortable with.”

    I’ve never been rich, but once when I was in my mid-twenties, I had about forty thousand in the bank, cash. I don’t exactly remember what happened to it, although according to my journals from that time, it looks like I spent it all on eyeliner and beer. You don’t have to tell me what happens when money comes before breeding.

    I know money can’t buy happiness. What it can buy are things, and sometimes things can make people very happy. Let’s say that someone in your field of vision parades his new thing in front of you. You can go out and purchase a bigger, newer thing to assuage your deep-seated fear of irrelevancy. The same feeling of satisfaction can be had whether you’re on Lake Street shopping the Jacklyn Smith collection under the Blue Light or off on safari in a $2,500 Ralph Lauren khaki camisole, hunting the magic goose that craps Fabergé eggs.

    But if I came into a sudden fortune, I’d want to make sure it bought an experience, some form of change. That’s why I think I’d buy a congressman. The idea came to me when I learned that Rep. Randall “Duke” Cunningham kept an actual price list for bribes, noting how much defense lobbyists would have to slip him in order to win multi-million-dollar Pentagon contracts. “Duke” is in the slammer now, after pleading guilty to tax evasion, conspiracy to commit bribery, and a raft of other charges. I wonder if he has a new bribe menu posted in his prison cell. “1 pack Camels = 10 mins. of ‘personal services.’”

    I know just the congressman I’d buy. That guy from Texas’ 22nd District, Tom DeLay. As the money man for the Republican Congress these last six years, he understands the role that moolah plays in politics, so I wouldn’t have to spell it out for him. Also, I expect he’d come pretty cheap right now, since, after being indicted on felony money-laundering and conspiracy charges, he announced his plans to retire from Congress. News reports say he’s down to the last $1.3 million in his legal-defense fund, so it’s a buyer’s market.

    Once I had The Hammer in hand, I’d make him vote against all of his current positions. It would be fun to force him to make a stirring farewell speech calling for universal health care, lobbying reform, and a stop to the gerrymandering of political districts. I’d keep him on retainer for life, so even if Fox News hired him as a commentator, I could order him to advocate for clean government, the separation of church and state, and bipartisan cooperation. That would drive him crazy!

    Finally, if he’s convicted, I’d make The Exterminator serve his full term without any wussy pleading for a pardon or assignment to a country club prison. I’d have him ask to go to a real hellhole where he could apply his experience with rats and cockroaches. Not only could he contribute there, he could grow. As the new guy on the cellblock he would learn to forge alliances and earn influence without corrupt outlays of cash and expensive gifts. He might find that a little tenderness goes a long way.

    Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m cleaning out my change jar and heading over to the gas station.

  • Wining and Buying

    There are several ways to get a free glass of wine in this city. You can attend one of the various “ladies nights” and be ogled by drunkards like a monkey in a zoo, or you can drop by a newly completed condominium project for its opening reception. One pleasant Saturday afternoon, in search of gratis Shiraz, my girlfriend Mary and I got dressed up, slipped on heels, and motored downtown to Minneapolis’ historic Whitney Hotel, where there was a reception to show off the building’s new loft conversions. Sure, I’d been toying with the idea of upgrading from the condo I currently own, but the Whitney, at $450 per square foot, wasn’t remotely within the realm of possibility, so long as I wanted my new home to measure more than, say, 250 square feet. I had been promised “real-estate porn,” however, and that is something I quite like.

    We parked a half-block away, in the self-serve Portland Parking Ramp (later responsible for eating Mary’s last twenty-spot). As we approached the front entrance we were greeted by a half-dozen flannel- and denim-clad gentlemen who handed out fliers alleging that some laborers on the Whitney project had been overworked and underpaid. Their small protest was timed to coincide with the upper-crust showing I was about to crash.

    Once inside the hotel, now called the Whitney Landmark Residence, Mary and I carefully pulled off our shoes (per the herd), so as not to fudge up the freshly laid hardwood. Playing potential tenants, we breezed through two model units—they were sprawling with high ceilings, and draped in all manner of romantic tapestry. Finally, Mary and I located the reception-area spread. There, we contented ourselves with melted brie, stuffed olives, chocolate-dipped strawberries, and peppered crackers. Near the buffet, representatives from interior design studios and fancy plumbing shops had set up trade-show displays and were doling out business cards. (You buy the condo at $450 per foot, but fundamentals such as bathroom fixtures are left entirely up to you.) Among these design-industry aesthetes, the norm was black suit jackets, blunt-cut hairdos, and pointy-toed shoes.

    “Who buys these things?” I asked the Whitney’s chief financier, the nice fellow who’d invited me to the party. He said it was mostly suburban empty-nesters and the occasional trust-funder. As the room filled with potential buyers—by now funneling out of the models and sidling up to the buffet—there was a swelling current of contemporary-casual wear. Eyeleted, Ann Taylor sweater sets and Liz Claiborne-style chinos were the favored attire among women; for the men it was golf shirts and khakis. They were still stocking footed, all.

    We left the party within forty-five minutes and walked out the front doors, only to find that the teamster rally had grown ten-fold. A few women had joined the fray; I locked eyes with one weathered-looking character who had long, frizzy hair and a royal blue baseball jacket. A party bus had parked nearby and rolled down its windows, flooding the scene with an ambient 93X broadcast. First Street was clogged with pickup trucks and work boots. “These are my people,” I said to Mary, in all seriousness. I felt a pang of guilt for having crossed their picket line. I grew up in a devotedly union household, and was raised to sympathize with welders and machine operators, to understand that the deck is stacked, that the rich get richer. But because I’d managed to claw my way to a more comfortable socioeconomic rung, something of me remained inside—in and among the Whitney’s exposed heating ducts.

    Two days later, the clash of cultures still bothered me. I emailed the financier to ask how the protest had turned out. “The union stuff was mostly a non-event,” he wrote. “Other than people maybe mistaking it for a tailgating party.”

    —Christy DeSmith

  • Axis of Praxis: Nate Lowman

    This is art for, and by, the kids who sat in the back of the bus–sardonic takes on violence, sex, media, politics, and the mishmash of all of them that constitutes a large share of contemporary culture. Nate Lowman specializes in this by taking elements from that culture and messing with them via silkscreens, spraypaint, Xeroxes, posters, snapshots, and other plebian means. Part of his show (and its title) is also a comment on the vogue for artistic collaborative teams. Lowman asked a half-dozen artists to make a work by using one of his own bullet-hole silkscreen canvases (which themselves recall Warhol); then he followed suit by making another work in response to the one returned to him. The result is multiple layers of irony, sass, and theoretical stuff that can be overly heady–good thing the art remains down and dirty. 527 Second Ave. S.E., Minneapolis; 612-605-4504; www.midwaycontemporaryart.org

  • 8x8x8 LON/MSP/NYC

    We’re thankful that the Soap Factory hasn’t succumbed to the condo craze that’s underway along the riverfront–in fact, this beloved and off-beat art venue stands to take on a higher profile once it’s surrounded by posh lofts and the spiffy folks who dwell in them. Already the Factory is stepping up to the plate: Rumor has it that this will be the year that the space doesn’t have to close down entirely during the colder months. Either way, it’s opening its 2006 season with yet another sprawling and ambitious exhibition. 8x8x8 LON/MSP/NYC features twenty-four emerging artists from Minneapolis, New York City, and London; the Soap Factory is the first stop as it tours each city, with the intention of demonstrating that art of equivalent range and quality is coming from these very different places. The work in the show runs the gamut from paintings, drawings, and sculptures to sound, video, and performance pieces. Second St. S.E. & Fifth Ave. S.E., Minneapolis; 612-623-9176; www.soapfactory.org