Category: Blog Post

  • Moyer Leaves … Avoid Wet Rodent Imagery, Please

    Upon hearing this morning of the latest departure/replacement at the Star Tribune, this time publisher J. Keith Moyer — I placed a half dozen phone calls to what I consider the usual suspects … plus. I expected to listen to another wave of stunned dismay. Wrong.

    Those Strib employees who weren’t either busy trying to make a deadline, or eager to avoid comment of any kind, essentially shrugged. “Moyer, too.” A bit like the announcement earlier this week of Nancy Barnes replacing Anders Gyllenhaal in the top editor’s job, the trenches-level employees at the place have significantly greater concerns than the shifting of chairs on the management deck.

    It seems fair to say the level of anxiety is extraordinarily high in Strib land. Ownership of the paper will switch hands certainly within the month, a “movement” toward early retirement/buyouts has not been discouraged and, more critically, no one has any way to assess new owner Avista Capital Partners’ commitment to newspapering as opposed to rank profit-seeking and profit-taking. With all that on their minds, the sight of another well-compensated executive, parachutes packed, leaping from the forward hatch is of comparatively little concern.

    But the appearance isn’t calming. As one reporter put it, “If you’re inclined to worry about what comes next, and a lot of us are, on some level you have to look at Moyer and ask yourself, ‘What does he know, really, that we don’t, but should?’ ” The underlying assumption being that as Gyllenhaal jumped to Miami he had some kind of heads-up to McClatchy dumping the Star Tribune eleven days later.

    Not that knowing what either Gyllenhaal or Moyer know/knows is a hell of a lot of consolation to the salary men and women, who have far fewer career options.

    Finally, give me credit for not using, “rats”, “sinking” and/or “poop deck” anywhere in this piece. That would be cheap.

  • Not So Neat

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    I’ll take the highlands, you take the neat fee…

    This is ridiculous and embarassing. A “neat fee”? You pay for the ounces of liquor poured, not the amount of room in the glass.

    Scotch drinkers who enjoy their malt neat (of which I am one) expect a smaller portion, an unassuming golden slip of elixer in the bottom of the glass. If you’re up-charging to give us a bigger portion of booze to make the glass look fuller, well thanks, but you don’t understand Scotch or the people who drink it.

    Neat is not a cocktail, it’s not a version of the bastardized Martini. It’s a simple matter of delivery, that’s all. It would be interesting to see if they had ordered a scotch on the rocks as well … I wonder if they would have seen a “rocks fee”?

  • To The End of Love

    This weekend: Brave New Workshop‘s new show opens (it’s as close as I get to comedy and a boyfriend favorite to boot!) and Stuart Pimsler Dance Theater’s very smart-sounding To The Ends of Love, at the Guthrie. Daytime hours will be spent, in part, shopping for new bookshelves. I’m takin’ my snobby ass to Danish Teak Classics and Scandia.

  • (To Be Continued): Continued

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    Oh, I have made myself a tribe

    out of my true affections,

    and my tribe is scattered!

    How shall the heart be reconciled

    to its feast of losses?

    Stanley Kunitz, from “The Layers”

    Two days and two nights the tiny ship sailed into the great lake. Just after sunset on the third day the ship came within sight of an island rising out of the lake.

    The island was shaped like a large puff pastry, and was dense with sturdy pines, many of which had survived generations in that inhospitable place. Jagged rocks were piled up all around the circumference of the island, and the wind was driving waves against these boulders, creating loud and frequently spectacular explosions of cold water that rose high into the night sky and were scattered like luminous fragments of colored glass.

    The Captain gave the order for his crew to drop anchor. My heart was once again loaded into a round tub of a rowboat and lowered into the heaving water. A dozen of the stoutest crew members manned the oars and wrestled the boat through the waves. My heart, frozen and lacquered with ice, was now a surprisingly heavy and awkward burden.

    A weathered dock jutted almost imperceptibly out into the lake at the bottom of a trail that emerged from the trees. The mice maneuvered their rowboat into a position alongside this dock.

    A trio of young women came down the trail through the woods, their way lit by a swaying lantern. No words were exchanged as my heart was transferred from the rowboat to a wheelbarrow. As the women began to push the wheelbarrow back up the trail, the little boat was already straining back out into the mist of the lake.

    The trail zigzagged through the trees, purposely digressive and worn over centuries at sharp, almost forty-five degree angles designed to ease the steep incline. The growth of old trees obscured the fact that the island jutted out of the lake to such an extent that its exact center was a strenuous climb from anywhere around the island’s perimeter. The trees also hid from view a large chalet-style cabin that had been constructed on a stone foundation at the top of the island.

    A sort of tribe had occupied this cabin for many generations. They were quiet, purposeful people, small of stature and somehow not entirely human. Though possessed of keen senses, every member of this strange tribe was mute. All of them, everyone that had ever occupied the island, was descended (in a manner of speaking) from a man who had settled there long, long ago, this after having traveled a great distance by boat, accompanied by three giant mastiffs.

    This man had fancied himself an alchemist. Once established on the island, however, all of his attempts at alchemy had been failures. Undaunted, and gifted with a prodigious and magical imagination, he had nonetheless succeeded in time in conjuring, out of the raw materials at hand, companions for himself. In the laboratory where he had hoped to turn base materials into gold he had learned instead to produce breathing beings. And having failed at alchemy in a literal sense, this founder of the island, and the generations that followed him, became in time recyclers of human hearts. They were surgeons and they were artisans.

    The first heart had arrived on the island in the middle of the 19th century, on a cool June night when the moon was full and the sky was so clear that the moonlight had made of the calm lake’s surface a glimmering jewel box. The original heart made its journey alone in a boat.

    Perhaps its arrival in that place was purely happenstance, and it is entirely possible that had not the moon been so bright that night, the heart would have drifted right past the island and continued on its solitary journey north. As it was, though, the heart had glowed like a luminous garnet floating far out in the lake, and some of the island’s residents had spied the mysterious object and rowed out to investigate. Puzzled and amazed by their discovery, they had towed the boat ashore and lugged the heart up the trail.

    The founder had known immediately that what he was looking at was a human heart, badly damaged if not entirely broken. Without hesitation he had determined that they would repair this heart, and after much trial and error he and his assistants succeeded in restoring it to perfect working condition.

    Having mastered the most difficult task of all, they were faced with the question of what to do with the heart. For a time they kept it in a jar in their laboratory, where it pumped and gurgled and provided continual astonishment. The old alchemist was troubled by its presence, though; he felt certain that the result of their hard work was destined to find its way south, back to the human world, where he knew good hearts were always in great demand.

    Eventually, as is so often the case, birds provided the solution. A charm of finches that often spent summers on the island had established a sort of telepathic communication with some of the mute residents, and when the finches flew south in advance of the first snow they carried with them the story of the repaired human heart. In the land beyond the lake the word traveled through all the animals of the forest, and finally was passed along to an ancient Guild of heart deliverymen. Though the members of this Guild hated being called fairies, they were in fact, at least technically speaking, fairies.

    The Potentate of the Guild of Heart Deliverers worked closely with a network of animals and angels (this sort of thing, of course, is always difficult to understand and explain), and had been providing heart transplants centuries before human medical science had ever dreamt of such a thing. Before connecting with the island laboratory, however, the Guild had always had to work with whatever raw materials (often damaged) they could get their hands on, even as they were diligent in attempting, as often as possible, to replace bad hearts with hearts possessed of genuine goodness.

    Once a relationship –however unusual, mysterious, and informal– was established between the Guild of Heart Deliverers and the old alchemist, hearts began to arrive at the island on a regular, if unpredictable, basis. Some were transported by geese; others, like my own, were ferried by boat.

    These days each of the hearts is boiled in a mixture of fish oil, cedar berries, and quicksilver, jostled for days in a contraption that resembles a giant rock tumbler, and then outfitted with all new plumbing.

    Twice a year –once in the early spring and again in the late autumn (usually as a harbinger of the first snows)– a flock of sub-angels arrives at the island. These creatures are grimy and ungainly, seemingly part geese, part human. They are, though, celestial beings, but crippled, still tormented by mortal dreams and aspirations, and as the lowest order of angels they are assigned a majority of the grunt work.

    The repaired hearts are fed to these angels, who fly them back south and implant them in the chests of their intended recipients as they sleep.

    The ragged angels will be making their semi-annual trek to the island in a few weeks. I’m holding out hope that I’ll be one of the truly rare and lucky recipients and will get my own heart back. Bigger, I hope, and better.

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  • The Inner Reaches of Outer Space

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    INLAND EMPIRE
    , 2006. Written (I guess) and directed (definitely) by David Lynch. Starring Laura Dern, Peter J. Lucas, Justin Theroux, Jeremy Irons, Harry Dean Stanton, Karolina Gruszka, Jan Hencz, Grace Zabriske, Julia Ormond, Diane Ladd, Ian Abercrombie, Bellina Logan, William H. Macy and the augmented Emily Stofle.

    Now showing exclusively at the Oak Street Cinema.

    In David Lynch’s new book Catching the Big Fish, the section on INLAND EMPIRE opens with this verse from The Upanishads:

    We are like the spider,
    We weave our life and then move along in it.
    We are like the dreamer who dreams and then lives in the dream.
    This is true for the entire universe.

    There’s a moment in INLAND EMPIRE, almost three hours in, when Laura Dern’s Nikki is confronted by a menacing figure with a face that appears to be made of wax. By now we are exhausted, and scared, having walked the sticky tightrope of Lynch’s spiderweb, which seems to have no end. Nikki is equally worn out. Terrified, she empties a revolver at the wax face, which accomplishes nothing, his face melting and filling the screen. Like the man behind the dumpster in Mulholland Dr., he is an unstoppable force, not a force of nature, but a pinpoint in the fabric of the reality, a tiny hole through that which protects us and hides the simmering unconscious. David Lynch enjoys punching through the screen that shields us, be it the image of a small town, the dream of Hollywood, or simply the appearance of reality.

    David Lynch has been studying Transcendental Meditation (TM) for over thirty years now. It seems time to come to terms with the fact that, like artists whose religion informs their work–be it Catholicism or Islam or Buddhism–David Lynch is a filmmaker who relies heavily on the visions that TM has offered him. TM is as real for Lynch as the Dalai Lama and Christ are for Scorsese, except that INLAND EMPIRE, in spite of its length and incomprehensibility, is eminently more watchable than Kundun or The Last Temptation of Christ. Where in the past many of Lynch’s efforts seemed purposefully incoherent, I’m starting to believe that, while still incoherent, they are accurate representations of a world distilled through the mind of an artist supremely in touch with his inner being.

    And at first INLAND EMPIRE seems to belie the criticism that the film is absurd and impossible to follow. A woman, Nikki Grace (Laura Dern) has signed on to play the part in a film ridiculously titled On High With Blue Tomorrows, directed by the pompous Kingsley Stewart (Jeremy Irons) and co-starring alleged hunk Devon Berk (Justin Theroux). Problems arise, in the person of the cryptic neighbor (Grace Zabriske), who promises Nikki that she will get the part, and yet warns the younger woman about unleashing evil into the world. Also, the leading man is constantly threatened by Janek, Nikki’s husband, played by the Jan Hencz with steely intensity and little else. If Devon sleeps with Nikki, Janek will kill him, or more likely, have him killed. To make matters all the more intriguing, it turns out that Blue Tomorrows is a remake of a Polish film, in which the two leads were murdered. As this is being explained to Nikki and Devon, they discover that someone mysterious is watching them from the shadows. Devon investigates, but the person, persons or spirit has vanished.

    That’s the swiftly moving first hour of this three hour film, though there are clues to the depths with which INLAND EMPIRE will dive: the rabbits, for instance. There are segments of Lynch’s online television show, Rabbits, which is nothing more than the interior of a spacious Hollywood pad, with people walking around in dull 50s-style suits, with giant rabbit heads. They talk and the laugh track engages at odd moments. There’s a prostitute with her face blurred out, and a girl crying at the events on her television set, which appears to be the action in the movie we’re watching.

    And then cut… to the set of Blue Tomorrows. Of course, Blue Tomorrows is a movie that no one in Hollywood would ever make, not with a title like that and Douglas Sirk dead and gone. Nor would actors with names like Nikki Grace and Devon Berk appear in anything other than mid-grade porn. As usual, Lynch doesn’t give a rip about making his movies-within-movies seem like real things, or his people talk and act in a manner that’s reflective of life as we see it on the streets. The people in Lynch’s films talk in sentences that are clipped, odd statements that are meant to infuriate, confuse, and often menace. Their faces seem pinched, as if the oxygen levels on the set were just shy of what human beings need, or the gravity’s just a bit too strong. David Lynch’s films–INLAND EMPIRE especially–seem shot on a distant planet, after the sun has set but it’s not quite pitch-black. The feeble light gives us just enough to make out and react to before the darkness swallows us whole. This is Hollywood, from Lynch’s point of view.

    INLAND EMPIRE loops in and out of the real and the imagined and the deeply imagined life, in which the Blue Tomorrows movie plays itself out, another movie (in which Dern is seen among prostitutes swaying to “The Locomotion” and she is eventually murdered), and some oddball scenes involving ketchup, Polish whores, an interview in a dark room, and, once again, a return to the square family with giant rabbit heads. Characters you’ve come to care about suddenly turn into actors in a film, then a different movie from that one, then back to INLAND EMPIREagain (ostensibly reality), and the fiction within the fiction vanishes and gives way to the rabbits and crying whores once again, each filmed in lonely, empty rooms that seem to have come from outer space. And you know that, deep down, that both the whores and rabbits will return yet again to trouble you later in the film, and probably later at night.

    And we ask ourselves: What are the rabbits? Does Lynch even know? Or the references to the circus? The barbecue and ketchup scene? The press notes for the film are as follows: “A Woman In Trouble”. Some help.

    Lynch explains (in Catching the Big Fish) that his friend, the actor Krzysztof Majchrzak is given a choice between three props for an isolated and seemingly unrelated scene at a shed. Krzysztof can choose between a broken tile, a rock, a red light bulb. He chose the bulb, which he held in his mouth the duration of the scene. This, according to Lynch, is a reflection of the Unified Field–that a man would come to the set wearing oddball glasses, pick a red bulb, and act in the scene with it in his mouth–they are all related.

    What that does for the audience is give us direct access to a world that is utterly different from our own experiences, and in the sense that INLAND EMPIRE gives us something we’ve never seen before, it works beautifully. And even better, the film maintains its menace, and its grim attitude about Hollywood. Between Mulholland Dr. and INLAND EMPIRE you have two of the most damning films ever made about the way the Dream Factory devours souls. In a startling scene, a ghastly Diane Ladd (Laura Dern’s mom) grills Nikki about having difficulty keeping her paws away from Devon, with whom she’s only just begun work. It’s a sickening, yet funny, parody of the Entertainment Tonight garbage, more real and ultimately more hilarious than Christopher Guest’s jokes in For Your Consideration. Perhaps because it nauseates as well as liberates–by this time already you’re looking for a laugh, and Lynch’s films always have one or two very good ones, and INLAND EMPIRE is no exemption.

    Nothing will protect the people of INLAND EMPIRE against the rot that will devour them. They are stuck, fighting against those vile creatures with wax faces who seek to devour their artistic souls, against their desires to make love to one another (prompted, most likely, by the dream world of their acting), and find that once they enter the labyrinth of Hollywood, there is no escape. Lynch pushes his people into the maze, but leaves them no bread crumbs or string with which to help them emerge. The audience can wish it had Chinatown or Hollywoodland to frighten them about Southern California in a funhouse way , but INLAND EMPIRE is the real thing, as real as the movies get. David Lynch dives deep here, has undoubtedly seen the system eat up talent like bon bons, and is out to remind you that your dreams come with a price. The actors, actresses, directors, screenwriters, they’ve all paid… won’t you?

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  • Guest: Pitchers and Catchers Report

    From my friend Andy Fuller.

    Pitchers and catchers report. We can arise from our slumber.

    Since the beginning of human civilization we have moved with the rhythms of the seasons. When most of us were tied to the land, we gathered and hunted and farmed and traveled as the seasons allowed.

    When the industrial revolution transformed our lives in every conceivable way, the great manufacturing centers attracted people from all over the countryside with promises of a better life. Perhaps life in these cities was better. Maybe it was worse. One thing is certain – as more of us punched a timecard and fewer of us planted seeds, we started to lose our seasonal rhythm.

    As we fell out of sync with the seasons, a game blossomed.

    Baseball became enormously popular during the most significant developments of the industrial revolution. As the railroad and internal combustion engine irrevocably sped up all aspects of our lives, we turned to baseball to regain our rhythm – the promise of Spring Training, the lazy days of mid-season and the All Star break, the drama of the Fall Classic.

    And so, 150 years later, we wait. We wait for the four words that will allow us to awake from our wintry hibernation. This Sunday we will hear them, for on Sunday the Minnesota Twins’ pitchers and catchers report.

    We know it’s coming. We can feel it. It’s primal, instinctual. We know pitchers and catchers are reporting like we used to know maples and cottonwoods were budding. We know we will hear familiar voices during the radio sportscast like we knew that sunnier days were in the forecast. We know when pitchers and catchers report we can shake off the listlessness that builds over the unrelenting winter.

    It’s time to wake up. It’s springtime. Pitchers and catchers report.

  • Advice to a Blogger on Barnes

    This from a Stribber on today’s Barnes-for-Gyllenhaal announcement.

    Barnes …

    “1) is the first woman ever named to the executive editor post at the Star Tribune

    2) leapfrogged over Gillespie — which is a big blow to Scott, a great guy — but in fact that follows a pattern around here of managing editors not following in their bosses’ footsteps.

    3) some of us are just breathing a sigh of relief it wasn’t Monica “who cares about words? they only muck up design” Moses

    4) Be careful what kind of “dragon lady” gossip you listen to about Nancy from Stribbers. A lot of it is the typical bullshit thrown around about strong women bosses. Unlike the muumuu brigade you remember at the PP, she is tough but no tsk-tsker. She plays well with the boys and gets things DONE, which I really admire.”

    Okay. I hereby give Barnes 15 minutes worth of benefit of the doubt/presumption of innocence.

    I suppose it’d be base and sexist of me to throw in at this point the crack made by another(Y-chromosome addled)Stribber, “Well, I’m willing to say she’s better looking than Tim McGuire.”

    Cloddish bastard!

  • Nancy Barnes Gets Top Star Trib Job

    Nancy Barnes, currently the Star Tribune’s Deputy Managing Editor for Content, was named Anders Gyllenhaal’s replacement in a 2:30 announcement to the staff this afternoon.

    Her in-house competition was assumed to have been Monica Moses, executive director of Product Innovation and, Scott Gillespie, managing editor. At least for the time being both remain in their current jobs.

    Publisher Keith Moyer made the announcement and made a point of praising Gyllenhaal’s stewardship of the paper. Gyllenhaal is leaving to edit the Miami Herald. According to employees present for the announcement, Moyer had to prompt the staff to tepid applause for Gyllenhaal’s performance.

    There was no Q&A, and several reporters with whom I spoke say the Barnes announcement, while interesting, doesn’t begin to provide the answers the staff is most interested in, namely, how many of them will survive the transition to new owner Avista Capital Partners, expected within the next two weeks.

    In a related development, Star Tribune union employees were notified that the company will NOT extend a five day window, commencing on the date of Avista’s takeover, for current employees to file for a voluntary buy-out. There had been hope that the five-day process might be extended, and/or the new owners might sweeten the terms of the buy-out to attract more departures.

    One veteran employee guesstimated that 15 colleagues might grab the current offer.

  • You Want Valentine's Day Movies? I'll Give You Some F#@%!ng Valentine's Day Movies…

    Looking for an alternative cinematic thrill on this most romantic of corporate holidays? Thinking that it might not be entirely worthwhile to see Dreamgirls or Sleepless in Seattle when your feelings are, well, a bit more complex? Here’s a list, thrown together at the very last minute, of some features that will add some spice to this sweet evening… and by spice I mean a cold stare or a full blown argument. Nothing says you can’t ‘communicate’ on St. Valentine’s Day.

    Sid and Nancy. Saw this the other night with some pals from the Rake staff. Difficult to understand with all the cockney slang, grainy, drug-addled, dull in spots and thrilling in others, might just make you and your spouse do the mosh pit, get blitzed and then, if the mood’s right, shout, scream, break things, and then fall bloody to the floor after you’ve smashed a bottle against your head. Please, don’t beat one another or kill the other party. It’s only a movie, though it’s based on a true story.

    Taxi Driver. Murder politicians or pimps to prove your love! Didn’t work for John Hinckley, but it might for you.

    Oldboy. Disgusting, violent, Korean thriller that culminates in a near rape sex scene that is virtually impossible to endure… and later you find out it’s much worse than you thought! Should make your lover (male or female) swear off affection for a fortnight.

    Pandora’s Box. Classic silent film (your lover of conventional films will thank you for that one alone!) in which a girl who only wants to be loved finds bliss by being stabbed to death by Jack the Ripper. Joy!

    Eraserhead. Here’s a man’s nightmare about women and babies! Check out the girl in the radiator with her malignant cheeks (and bursting giant sperm with her heels) and the Eraserhead baby, who looks like E.T. with Down’s Syndrome. If you can finish this masterpiece, why the rest of the night will be spent in tense silence, and probably mutual loathing.

    The Squid and the Whale. Spot-on, brutally honest film about divorce. You wanna talk about where our relationship’s going, honey, well, here’s where our fucking relationship’s going…

    The Lady From Shanghai. Orson Welles’ baffling and yet entertaining film about how much he hates Rita Hayworth. Poisonous.

    For the guys: 12 Angry Men. Not a romance, but a charged film that takes place in a sweltering room with, as the title suggests, a dozen pugnacious males. I’ve seen this four times, and each time the women in the room felt abused, as if they had been locked in that place with these jerks. A good way to have the place to yourself.

    For the gals: Brief Encounter or Notes on a Scandal (a choice between staying in or going out). Oops, beautiful young women married to men who listen, care for them, do everything just right, and the result is they have affairs with doctors or fifteen year old boys. No matter what you do, boyfriend, you ain’t never going to be certain of my fidelity, eh?

  • This year, I'm trying a little tenderness

    This is my first Valentine’s Day with a sweetheart who actually requires of me an acknowledgement of the occasion. “Don’t forget about Valentine’s Day,” he said last week. He then added: “I like chocolate.” Me, I’m not a huge Valentine’s Day person. I couldn’t care less about getting flowers or candies or strawberry-flavored lubricants as gifts. But here’s what I’m really not happy about–missing the G. Love sho’.

    Oh, and here’s something else: There’s a masturbation workshop at the Smitten Kitten tonight.