Category: Blog Post

  • Look out weekend here I come

    Ah, the weekend lineup. They just about write themselves. I’ve been looking forward to it all week…

    There’s yet ANOTHER Minnesota Book Awards reading tonight, and this will be the last since the official awards are being handed out tomorrow. Guess who’s “moderating” tonight’s reading? Tha’s right. Me. (Sorry Tex!) But with a lineup that includes over a dozen famous writers, including karaoke king Ed Bok-Lee, my appearance promises to be short.

    Shutka Book of Records: A seriously funny mockumentary/documentary about the various local legends inhabiting a Macedonian town–supposedly the world’s most populous Roma settlement. See today’s Strib for the 3.5 star review. The one and only screening happens tomorrow evening as part of the Film Festival, although, admittedly, this is part of the small campaign I’m waging to get this film reprised in the festival’s best-of retrospective. (Are they even doing that this year?) In any case, show’s at Bell Auditorium, 7:15 p.m. But not until tomorrow.

    And introducing a new feature, The Teaser (truth be told, this might be the one and only time I tease anything): Here are some things I either forgot to write about and/or have yet to experience: The Museum of Russian Art‘s new exhibition, Soviet Dis-Union, which I saw last Saturday; the Brave New Workshop and its fast-on-his-feet leader, Caleb McEwan, who I’ll be enjoying tomorrow evening (no book awards for me, d’Oh!); the Soap Factory‘s opening, which I may or may not have the time to catch; Coyote on a Fence, Theatre in the Round‘s new play about death row; the physical fitness/running ability (or lack thereof) of a certain smack-talkin’ Minnesota Orchestra percussionist named Kevin Watkins, whose ass I’m going to kick this Sunday a.m.

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    There he is. He’s toast!

  • Hacking, Ineffectually

    Here’s the frustrating and telling thing about last night’s half-assed performance in Kansas City: Sure, the Twins scored just one run off Runelvys Hernandez, but it’s what they did –or didn’t do– when they weren’t scoring that one run that was so pathetic.

    Hernandez was making his first 2006 start, this after going 8-14 with a 5.52 ERA last season, a year in which he walked almost as many batters (70) as he struck out (88). He also gave up 172 hits in 159 and-two-thirds innings –172 hits and 70 walks. You do the math.

    Yet the Twins managed two lousy hits off Hernandez in seven innings, and didn’t draw a walk all night. They struck out three times (twice against relievers).

    What does that mean?

    It means they don’t seem to have any freaking idea what they’re doing. It means they’re going up there and getting cheated or guessing wrong against a garbage-spitter like Runelvys Hernandez. It means they’re swinging the bats and making outs, lots and lots of outs.

    It means they’re clueless, and it means –even if the pitching gets straightened out, or when it gets straightened out (Lohse and Baker were both just fine)– they’re in trouble.

    But I’m a positive thinker, dammit, or at least I’m still willing to nurse my delusions. So I’m going to say that maybe the recent offensive embarrassments just mean that the Twins need to get April in their rearview mirror.

  • Oh, My Stars

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    I know these things about my barber:

    He refers to his wife as “the battle-ax.” Or, alternately, as “the fucking battle-ax.”

    Though uncommonly foul-mouthed, even by my debased standards, his favored exclamation remains the sturdy and old-fashioned, “Oh, my stars!”

    The project of his old age is reading all thirteen volumes of the Lewis and Clark Expedition journals.

    When he was in the army in Korea he got more tail than a dickweed like me could even dream about, and he never paid any woman a red cent.

    And: Oh, my stars, has he ever heard some stories. He should write a book. He really should.

    The other day, as I sat waiting for my haircut, the old fellow in the chair said, “I don’t know who to believe anymore.”

    “I don’t believe anybody,” the barber said.

    “Not even me?” the customer asked.

    “Fuck. Are you shitting me? How long have I been cutting your hair? I’d have to be an even bigger fool than I am to believe a word that comes out of your mouth.”

  • Nobody knows in America…

    Seems I’ve become a fan of the Westminster Town Hall Forums. You probably already know about the Forums, but if you don’t: These are series of speakers, sponsored by our favorite Presbyterian church on the mall, that tackle all manner of contemporary subjects. Last year Westminster embroiled itself in the arts, inviting such heavy-hitters as Edward Albee and (Pfft!) Salman Rushdie.

    Now they’re tackling the heady subject of America, and what it means to be an American. Interesting topic, no? Still, I was a little under-whelmed by last month’s speaker Jacob Needleman, a philosopher who wrote a book called The American Soul. Not knowing anything about the book, I had hoped he would tackle such issues as, you know, are Americans collectively going to hell? Or: just what the heck is the American Dream anyhow? But alas, the fellow had gone reading the Federalist Papers and was more interested in the ideals of early Americans–which, of course, we have strayed far, far from. There was some talk of how we Americans are still connected to such revolutionary thought, but I thought he mostly wimped out in this section, instead hiding in the relative safety of oblique language.

    Today’s speaker, David Halberstam, a journalist accustomed to shaping language that hovers at about the fourth-grade level (that’s how they tell us to write at J-skool, ya’all) (except this guy went to Harvard so maybe not), is slated to cover the future and recent past. This is the guy who wrote The Best and the Brightest, a seminal book that, published in 1972, swayed much public opinion about the American course in Vietnam. Now here’s someone with something interesting to say about the meaning of America.

    It’s really cool to be there at these Forums, which start at noon. But they’re also broadcast and re-broadcast on MPR. Hope you catch it one way or another.

  • Big Noise In Kansas City

    Sure, the Twins scored two runs against a lousy Royals team, but look on the bright side: Last year they would have given up three.

    Good news: The Twins are now 4-1 in one-run games.

    Bad news: They’ve now scored three or fewer runs ten times, and are 1-9 in those games.

    There, I’ve posted. Now get off my back; the 800-pound gorilla’s starting to feel a little bit crowded.

  • Measuring eternity in waves

    All right, oldsters. Indulge me for a sec by turning down The Current or, for all you true contrarians, the Jazz 88. Today’s offering comes in the form of a love letter to dear, little Radio K. Remember when?

    Remember the dreary radio days of post-REV 105, when there was no such thing as The Current or even Zone or Drive 105? We were younger then. And the indie kids all directed their ears (and hearts) to Radio K. Cosmic Slop? Hell yes I grooved out to plenty of Helen Reddy! The Beat Box? Thanks to that show’s theme song, the K’s request line shall forever be burned into memory: “Call 626-477-Oh / We’ll try our best to pump it through your sterrey-sterrey-Oh.” This was a sun-up to sun-down affair, and it burned brightest in the summer months, particularly in June, when the sun stayed up long past the workday and kept our ears filled with “the K” until as late as 9 p.m. Radio K, we loved you despite your puny transmitter.

    In any case, as part of their annual Power Surge fund drive, Radio K is boosting tonight’s cool-sounding Ink’d and Amp’d concert. One-part fundraiser, one-part DEMO (Diverse Emerging Music Organization) happening, the event is somehow supposed to combine live music by Mel Gibson and the Pants, These Modern Socks, and such with tattoo art–or something like that.

    And speaking of tattoos, if I had to choose a line of text to have permanently etched into my flesh (see The Rake’s Literary Supplement for the reference), it’d be this from Theodore Roethke: “When small birds sighed she would sigh back at them.”

  • Jumping: Goodbye To All That

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    He wasn’t even sure anymore if he could jump, could get his fat ass off the ground. One more pathetic little milestone on his way down the drain.

    Still, he could always find consolations. There were people out there who couldn’t get out of bed, people for whom showering was an adventure worthy of Indiana Jones. When you got as big as he was you had to budget extra time for all sorts of average things. Use your imagination: great weight makes unreasonable demands on the human body.

    He woke up one morning and noticed that his feet looked like snakes that had swallowed cantaloupes (knock, knock, he thought. Who’s there? Cantaloupe. Cantaloupe who? Cantaloupe tonight, dad has the car…). He had to wear plastic sacks for socks and endure the embarrassment of wearing down booties to work. Horrible experience, as you might well imagine.

    He discovered himself naked at times, puzzling before the mirror at the new and exotic contours of his body, the folds and bulges. He couldn’t deny that there was something fascinating about it. He’d been a little slip of a boy once upon a time.

    He wondered: could he still dance? He didn’t care to find out. He didn’t much feel like dancing.

    He recognized that he had no one to blame but himself. He’d let himself go. Any athletic endeavor –however generously defined– was out of the question. He didn’t have any interest in offering himself up as a spectacle.

    So maybe his jumping days were behind him. Big deal. How important was that? What did he need to reach? Why would he want to leave the earth behind?

    He was still capable of sitting still, though, and that had always been the one truly important thing he expected from his body. From what he had seen there were plenty of people who didn’t have that gift, and these poor souls seemed to him to be the truly cursed among the living.

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  • Mysteries of Windsor

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    “La Jetee”, 1962. Written and directed by Chris Marker. Starring Davos Hanich, Helene Chatelain, and Jacques Ledoux. Narrated by Jean Negroni.

    From the files of street critic Sandoth “Guy” Fresno, recorded on fourteen postcards that arrived in chronological order this January, waterstained (or so he claimed) from Hurricane Katrina. Each postcard was identical, of the Superdome, whose story, in Guy’s mind, “would make one fuck of a movie”.

    So for starters I couldn’t take my fuckin’ bike into Windsor. The bridge, that stinkin’ tunnel, it’s no good for bikes. The Ambassador freaks me out too much, you’re riding that high, anyone could just reach over and drop you five hundred feet into the Detroit River. No thanks.

    Anyway, so I hear on the street that there’s a show goin’ on in Windsor. At the Odeon, some crazy movie called The Jetty, or The Pier, La Jetee, only no one I talk to except that Woody Allen freak at the Maple, with his ridiculous beard and leather-patch jacket (it’s August, all right, lose the fuckin’ jacket), says it in French.

    What amazes me is that no one I talked to about it ended up making the trek to Windsor to see the thing. And they missed out, man, they missed out. Like sleepin’ through Halley’s Comet–you got another seventy something years to wait, and you won’t be no Mark Twain, either.

    Anyway, so I hop on one of our awful buses, reading some John D. MacDonald (the best in the summer, let me tell you) and found myself at the Odeon some two hours later. I got their early, thought I’d preach the gospel of Anthony Mann to the crowd, only there was no crowd. So I sat down and ate a pear and peanut butter sammich, and waited.

    Windsor’s a dead town, let me tell you. Creeps me out–it’s like something from a dead future. None of the empty buildings like we have in the Motor City, but downtown closes, and there’s no personality. While I’m waiting, a guy walks up in wrinkled shirt, with little round sunglasses and close-cropped hair. He looked like Thomas Merton, man. He asked, “You’re waiting. For La Jetee?” Spoke in a frog accent. I shrugged, said, “What’s it to you?”

    He just smiled and said, “Five minutes if you please.” And walked away.

    So finally I get to go inside, me and two other people, a young girl who looked nervous, like she just skipped out of her high school’s chess club to be here, and a fat guy with a bag of submarine sandwiches. That’s it. No one is in the theater, no ticket takers, no concessionaires, nothing. It was free. The Frenchman stood in the back of the auditorium, a calm look on his face. When the girl finally sat–she wandered around the theater taking photos on her digital camera–the lights dimmed, and La Jetee started up.

    What a movie. Only it’s not a movie. It’s a photo-roman. Whatever that is. A bunch of still photos cobbled together to tell a story. With narration. Frenchy in back, smoking for God’s sake, narrating with his beautiful accent a story that made me want to break down and cry. Which I did, later, on the bus. No music–though pals tell me the original has a score–just the guy, and I think it was Marker, narrating, smoking, the sound of the projector and, at one point, bird calls. Right at that magical moment, the only moving image in the film, the woman opening her eyes one melancholy morning, and he’s making the sounds of birds at dawn, perfectly. Unbelievable.

    That’s what made me cry. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen on film. And it made the mornings heartbreaking for a few days.

    Marker would narrate, and without ever clearing his throat, continue on the story of the man who jumps back and forth in time after World War III. They remade the movie in Twelve Monkeys, which was brutal, a violation, like painting tits on the Mona Lisa. Hideous.

    After the film ended, all three of us sat, stunned, until the film ran out and the screen filled with a blinding light. Marker was gone. I knew he would be; you can’t have a performance like that and not vanish mysteriously.

    Photo-roman? I kept telling myself I could make something like that–a bunch of photos, people in costume, a bombed out future. Detroit was made for a thing like that. So I dug up my old Kodak Retinette and began to take some black and white photos. I was going to do nothing more than a remake of La Jetee, on Woodward, in the abandoned train station, having the conclusion in the wrecked bleachers of Tiger Stadium, meeting by the tree that’s shooting up in the cracks above center field. A couple of pals did the acting, and I paid them in Coney dogs. They were great–we got them into some weird sunglasses from the Salvation Army, rebuilt a Buzz Lightyear doll into a crazy weapon, and made a post-apocalyptic world out of Detroit. Made the place seem like it was special, like it was on an even keel with the rest of the world. For once.

    But I never got around to putting the thing together–you gotta somehow get these pics onto film, you know? And record the narration. Or follow your movie around and do the yakking with it. And I never found the girl to blink in that pivotal scene. It had to be the right girl, the kind of girl Bernstein never forgets. You know what I mean? We’ve all known her. She breaks our hearts every lonely morning.

    I thought I’d try another shot at a photo-roman down here in New Orleans, maybe during the election. But it’s hard enough just trying to get the two-bits together for some buttertop bread. And people here don’t dig the movies like they do back home.

    I’ve never seen another of Marker’s films. I don’t even know why he was in Canada at the time. Actually, I don’t really know if it was him or not. Don’t want to know, really.

    I’ve still got the pictures from the Detroit experiment. If you’ve got any extra dough, send it along and I’ll credit you with producer. Won’t go to booze, except maybe for a six-pack of beer. Filmmaking isn’t without its hassles, man.

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  • Pound of Flesh

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    I committed the cardinal sin of the kitchen last night. I let my attention stray while chopping garlic.

    Slice.

    My zucchini was a-sizzlin’ in the pan, someone had The Simpsons on way too loud, and I was thinking about my window of opportunity to get some potatoes in with the roasting chicken. I was slicing faster than I should have been and I didn’t have the requisite finger curl working for me.

    When you hold something you’re cutting, your fingers should be curled under so the blade of the knife can slide against the flat middle section of your fingers. It’s Knife Handling 101 in a professional kitchen.

    But garlic is so small and wiley, it doesn’t like to be pinned clumsily under fat, curled fingers. It prefers to skit around the chopping block. I tend to use my finger nails to hold it.

    First clove down and pushed aside, I was in the middle of the second clove when I looked up at the clock to calculate my timing.

    Slice.

    My favorite knife took a slight chunk of my left index finger, including a sweet section of fingernail. Any time I thought I was saving by rushing was squandered by trying to find a clean towel and cursing myself under my breath.

    Worse yet, I had to toss the already chopped garlic and start fresh, with a throbbing, thickly wrapped finger. With a little help, I managed to get the whole dinner to table in good time, nothing scorched except my ego. I’m supposed to be smarter than the knife.

    I’ve seen all sorts of line cooks chop sections of their hands or burn swaths of skin, most of them pissed they have to leave the line. It is rather surprising when some of the gnarlier ones get the woozy sway going at the sight of their own blood.

    Typing this entry with my cartoon-sized gauzed finger hasn’t been the most fun. I don’t mind kitchen scars, they don’t handicap me, but they do humble me. Tonight dinner may be late.

  • After The Morning After

    Here’s where I give props to some competitors: It seems a couple’a folks over at Minnesota Monthly are having some success with Before The Mortgage, a recently published anthology of essays about adult life before taking on any real responsibility. There’s a public reading tonight at Magers & Quinn bookstore, 7 p.m. And yes, I will definitely be in attendance, if only to offer emotional support to my good friend, Tim Gihring.

    This Before The Mortgage book grew out of a zine, you know. I once wrote something for the thing, even though, technically, I do not qualify… on account of my having a mortgage and all. I’m pretty sure my piece never made it to print, however. My essay was all about taking the Morning After pill with dinner at my ten-year high school reunion; and it’s even a true story! Seems I’d been practicing sloppy birth control day before the big event. And you’re supposed to take these things with food, of course, lest you submit yourself to 24-hours of queasiness. It was just coincidence that my next meal, after having picked up the prescription from Burch, was plucked off a typical D’Amico spread of caesar salad and lasagna, which was all that was being offered onboard the Centennial Showboat that night. Washed down the first in a two-part series with sapphire tonic, if memory serves. And I didn’t even feel woozy as we floated up the river and back again, despite the ever-presence of nauseating former classmates and all their pregnant bellies.

    In retrospect, I’m pretty sure my essay sucked. What a horrible topic, first of all! Second: there are plenty of tough-to-tackle issues involved with sloppy birth control, not to mention with serial dating and childless-ly reaching the thirty-year hump. I didn’t adequately unpack any of them, dammit! Plus, I didn’t even bother to style the thing. It was a shitty effort. Sorry for that goes to BTM and MN Mo editor Rachel Hutton. See ye tonight. And good luck hawkin’ your book, yo!