Category: Blog Post

  • How I Spent My Summer Vacation, And: Some Things I've Decided My Hypothetical Parrot Might Say

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    Pay attention.

    Let it be.

    Say exactly what you think, and what you mean.

    Stop pretending it’s so damn hard to be human.

    Show your teeth to God.

    Do what you can.

    Every time you notice the stars –and I hope you’ll notice them often– I want you to think of me alone in this cage in the darkness, pounding away at my cuttlebone.

    Relax, it’s just like dancing.

    The truth, by whomever it is spoken, is from the Holy Spirit.

    I can but wonder whence I get the lasting sense of so much warmth and light.

    Yum, yum.

    Lucky, lucky man.

    Thank you.

    Bless you.

    Sweet dreams.

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  • The Decaying System

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    There are a few gaps in our health coverage.

    I went to the dentist this morning for my semi-annual cleaning and check up. Sometimes I go 8 or 9 months between, mostly because of my schedule and his. But I always go eventually, and sooner, rather than later. I’m glad I can afford it.

    I had a quack dentist when I was a kid, and he made things a lot worse for me in my middle age. Luckily, the dentist I have now is excellent, although not cheap. I estimate it’s cost me about $20,000 over the last 15 years to repair the damage wrought by too many sweet cereals and that earlier charlatan.

    Just last night I was reading the latest New Yorker. Among the dearth of Target ads this week was a story by Malcolm Gladwell, one of my favorite New Yorker writers, and the author of The Tipping Point and this year’s Blink.

    The story starts with a clinical, albeit horrid, description of the beginning of tooth decay, they segues into a description of our health care system in the United States. Gladwell does a particularly good job of scrubbing away the faulty logic that those who would keep things as they are use to maintain their advantage.

    Read it. Then floss. Then think about the sort of country we live in where the executive of the local health care giant makes over $100 million per year, and over 40 million Americans have no chance to protect themselves from physical and financial ruin under our current system.

    The brush and floss again to see if you can get the taste out of your mouth.

  • Down Pat

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    THIS is football

    Everyone who’s got a brain, and there are damn few of us left, is not even that upset about Pat Robertson’s calling for the assasination of Hugo Chavez. That sort of boorish behavior by Americans is pretty old news, after all.

    In case you haven’t been paying attention, Robertson and his ilk are all for the revival of that odd mixture of overt theocrats and covert murderers who once dominated Latin American politics.

    Yup, let’s overthrow the legally elected government of Venezuela. After all, it worked so well for us in Chile. (Remember Pinochet? He’s the one now being tried for crimes against humanity.) And how about El Salvador, where our boys murdered Bishop Romero while he was saying mass, raped and murdered a van full of American nuns, and dragged 12 Jesuit priests out of their beds one morning and shot them all in the head? All that in the name of putting a stop to godless Communism (today, read godless Islam.)

    Of course, most of the victims were Catholic Christians, instead of the good ol’ American Evangelical Christians, so they probably had done something to deserve it, such as speaking out against the army’s murdering of the campesinos…or, even teaching them to read.

    But, I didn’t want to belabor this. What I did want to belabor is something I read about in the Sunday Strib sports section. This was a story about the assault of some American pro football players who pissed off the wrong Germans.

    It seems a bunch of American football players went into a Dusseldorf club, didn’t receive the adulation they are used to getting on First Avenue, spit on a bouncer, and left. To nobody’s surprise, except the Americans’, the Germans didn’t like this much and responded with clubs and various other weapons.

    Duh.

    I’ve spent some time in Germany. I’ve lived in Italy and Spain. And, if there’s one thing I’ve learned for certain, it’s that 98 percent of all American tourists walk around these countries as if they owned them. Most make no attempt to speak the language at all, not even to the point of learning that beer is cerveza and wine is vino. Or that please is por favor, per favore, or bitte. Not that hard.

    But, we’re used to being the big dogs with the dollars. It hasn’t sunk in yet that the Euro is galloping ahead of the dollar in value every day. This, thanks to our government’s assumption that we’re too big to actually pay our own way in the world and that everyone else will gladly lend us the money we’re too decadent to tax ourselves to pay for the Iraq war. When we act like the big shots we think we are, the home towners somehow resent that Americans don’t even seem to acknowledge that they aren’t in Kansas any more.

    In contrast, I’ve never been treated rudely in a foreign country. (Well, almost never. I have been to Paris.) But I can order beer in five languages and can carry on a conversation about football (the kind you actually play with your feet) in two and a half.

    Strangely, people seem to respond nicely when you are making an effort to understand them, instead of getting pissed off when they don’t undertand you.

    When you call yourself football players, or call for killing their president, they somehow find that rude. Go figure.

  • Help for the Iraqi constitutional process

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    The right to bare arms…and more

    I was sitting around with a few wags yesterday and we were talking about the problems the Iraqis (if there is such a thing–as opposed to Sunni, or Shiite or Kurd, that is) were having in getting some agreement on a constitution. Aside from the squabbles over oil revenues and autonomy of regions which make the differences in 1787 between Virginia and Massachusetts seem…dare I say…tame by comparison, there’s the sticky problem of Islam, and all the implications for dress codes, tonsorial customs and which way is east conundrums.

    So we took a look at our own Bill of Rights and offered the following hints for articles they could adapt:

    Article 1: Freedom of religion. It’s alright to kill anyone who doesn’t like my brand of Islam. Christians and Jews, you better take off now.

    Article 2: The Right to Bare Arms: Women north of Baghdad get to wear sleeveless dresses. Women south of Baghdad get to wear sleeveless dresses only if they have no arms, which we can arrange.

    Article 3: No soldiers in your house. Soldiers destroying your house, that’s ok.

    Article 4: No unreasonable search and seizure, unless it’s a world power looking for weapons we don’t have.

    Article 5: No one shall be forced to testify against himself after we rip out his tongue for blasphemy.

    Article 6: You have the right to a speedy trial, after we hold you in Guantanamo for as long as we damn well please.

    Article 7: You can sue anyone you like for any amount over 20 dollars, or blow him up with a car bomb, whichever is more convenient.

    Article 8: No cruel or unusual punishment, unless we think the pictures are funny.

    Article 9 and 10: Anything else you can think of, but if it ain’t in the Koran, forget about it.

    Since this is sort of the way things are running over there now, we figured they should have no trouble agreeing. And, once this constitution is in force, Bush will have his exit strategy. I say we give them all the encouragement we can to adopt our suggestions so we can get the hell out of there.

  • I Couldn't Tell You What I Was Thinking

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    I apologize for that last entry. I apparently wrote [sic] it during the empirical blackout in which I have been lost the last several days.

    I confess that it makes absolutely no sense to me, and although it is not uncommon for things that show up here to make no sense to me in the cold light of day, very seldom do I literally have no memory of having even written the words in question.

    At some point in the early hours of the morning this entry —this, these words– was typed, I discovered that I was clutching a crumpled ATM receipt in my fist on which was scrawled this quote from Hippocrates: “If the matters which are purged be such as should be purged, the evacuation is beneficial, and easily borne; but, if otherwise, with difficulty.” Turning this scrap of paper over in my hand I found another sentence, also attributed to Hippocrates: “A woman does not become ambidexterous.”

    I was seated in a green chair. I had a pen in my right hand (I almost always have a pen in my right hand; I’m like Bob Dole in that way, I guess, although I believe Dole grips his pen in his left hand, and for entirely different reasons). Charley Patton was moaning softly from the stereo in the background. I had no recollection of consulting Hippocrates, and couldn’t imagine owning a book of any sort that would contain the words which were jotted on that receipt. I looked around the room where I was seated, hoping that I would find the source of these quotes. I moved a great number of things around, in fact, but did not find what I was looking for. I wandered into the next room and investigated the various piles of books that were heaped all over the place there. Still no Hippocrates.

    Blessedly, I suppose, my mind in the wee hours (okay, fine, my mind in general) is like that of a severely cross-wired lab rat, and I eventually found myself back in the green chair, slumped in my habitual stupor. From the stereo Arthur Rubinstein, I believe, was playing Chopin’s Nocturnes; I realized that I was now thinking about something that I have spent a great deal of time thinking about over the years. And that is this: How much control, I wonder, does a parrot’s owner have over the bird’s command of the language, such as it is; or, specifically, the words and sentences it learns to speak?

    From that launching point I wondered –presuming one has real control over such things– what words or phrases I would choose to teach a parrot. It seems like this would be an important question. You’re presumably going to have to live with these words for as long as you own the parrot.

    Given this assumption, I’d think you’d want to teach the bird to say something wise, beautiful, or consoling. But what? Parrots, I’d think, are more likely to be aphorists rather than storytellers, so you’d probably want to choose something short and sweet.

    People’s first instinct –which is almost always a tragic one– is to teach a bird to say something funny or profane. They want to make an insult comedian out of the parrot rather than a philosopher or a poet, but I imagine the severely limited wiseacre routine would get old in a hurry.

    I can’t imagine living with a bird that cursed me or shrieked my name all day long.

    I recall once visiting a couple of my acquaintance that had taught their parrot to do a terse and terrible John Wayne impression. “Howdy pilgrim!” the bird would drawl over and over, until I wanted desperately to run the damn thing through with a knitting needle.

    I also have some dim memory from my childhood of a parrot that had learned to say, “You bet your sweet bippy!” I think you’ll agree that it would be unacceptable to have such a bird in your home.

    I thought for a long time about what words I would teach my parrot (even though, I should probably admit, I would never, under any circumstances, actually wish to own a parrot, or a bird of any kind). I’m still thinking about it, in fact, and when and if I manage to narrow it down I’ll let you know what I’ve come up with. In the meantime, feel free to send me your own suggestions.

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  • Uncle Jumbo's Playground

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    –Illustration by James Dankert

    I’m back, but –like the Twins– just barely.

    Zellar’s had a muzzle on me ever since I tried to dictate a column to his answering machine in the middle of the night. This, of course, was after I’d had a few beers, and after the Twins had finished kicking the shit out of my kidneys for three hours. Based on that information, of course, you could safely conclude that this incident occurred pretty much any night in the last couple months.

    I don’t remember, frankly. And I don’t much care.

    I will tell you this, though: Jumbo’s not about to start turning cartwheels just because the Twins have won six straight and pulled within shooting distance of the wild card lead. Big fat whoop. They’ve got a lot of atoning to do. During that 11-19 slide coming out of the All Star-break I pulled a groin muscle karate-kicking at the television in a screaming fit of rage, and I gained sixteen pounds. You probably wouldn’t be able to tell, but I’m sure my doctor –who I see every five years whether I need to or not– wouldn’t be happy about it. I’ve no doubt he’d tell me (as he tells me each time I visit his office) to “lay off the snack foods.” Fat chance of that, I’m afraid. I’ve also no doubt he’d tell me that if my cholesterol gets any higher I could essentially tap a vein and use my blood as a substitute for cream cheese, something that might one day prove necessary.

    We all realize that if the offense on this team had been even slightly better than half-assed for the last several months all these August and September games against the White Sox might have actually meant something. That doesn’t get us anywhere, though, and I’m having a hard time getting all fired up about a wild card race. I don’t believe in the wild card –never have– and I think it’s an abomination that so many teams that have knee-walked into the playoffs have managed to win World Series titles over the last ten years, or whatever it’s been.

    I’ve never been through anything with a baseball team like what I’ve been through this summer with this team. If my life wasn’t already completely ruined, the last five months would have completely ruined my life. I’m prepared to swear on what’s left of my broken mother’s body that if I had been batting clean-up for the Twins this season they’d have won –at minimum– a half dozen games that they lost. At minimum. I believe this in my fat, clotted heart.

    In my only Whiffleball outing of the summer (at Blooming Void’s fifteenth-annual Loose Meat Festival Drungo Hazewood Whiffleball Classic) I dominated the competition, and singlehandedly carried my club (The Jerkwater Herd) to the title. Every year The Herd is essentially me and whatever warm (or even not so warm) bodies I can rustle up at the Lucky Seven Tavern, and every year it doesn’t matter, as long as Jumbo gets to pitch and swing the bat.

    I may have mentioned this before, but it bears repeating: I am the greatest Whiffleball pitcher on the planet. I am unhittable. I’m a lefty, and I’d make Jacque Jones look like…well, actually, I suppose he’d look like Jacque Jones. He wouldn’t have a prayer against my hard heat and nasty slider. Not to mention my trademark off-speed pitch, The Egret.

    Believe me, you don’t ever want to have to see The Egret.

    To get back to the Twins for a very brief moment: Can I just say that Carlos Silva is my new hero? I can’t imagine he looks all that great without a shirt on (which is one thing all of my heroes have in common), but the man is a warrior. He might be the only guy on that team that I’d like to have over to my house for a barbecue, and after we’d had a few beers I’d even teach him how to throw The Egret.

    Finally (or perhaps by the way), I’ve decided to become a demolition derby driver. My old man wasn’t the brightest bulb on the marquee, but I’ll always remember when he took me to the demolition derby at the Groat County fairgrounds one year. In the middle of the thing, between pulls on his Grain Belt long neck, he gestured out to the track and said, “Would you look at that? That right there is life in a nutshell. You keep getting up every morning and eating your shit sandwiches and you know what you’ll grow up to be? A survivor, my boy, the winner of the freaking demolition derby.”

  • God's Knock, Knock Joke

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    Knock, knock.

    Who’s there?

    Me.

    Me who?

    Whom?

    I don’t get it.

    We have a winner!

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  • Bullseye

    We haven’t had a chance to look at the new issue of the New Yorker–the one that has been entirely underwritten by the Target corporation. That’s because we haven’t received our copy, and this is added to the bank of anecdotal evidence that the magazine is delivered to nicer neighborhods first, or perhaps to readers who are more loyal than we are–though that’s hard to believe. Our mad love is documented–published even!

    But we have already been sucked into the vain conversation about whether that was a good thing to do or not. Some are getting quite shrill about this, and where there are shrill journalists, there usually aren’t nearly enough drinks on the bar.

    Lewis Lazare, for example. Down in Chicago, from his seat at the media desk at the unimpeachably righteous Sun-Times, where advertisers are held to the highest standards (of, you know, check-signing and remittance–post office will not deliver without proper postage!), Lazare calls this “the most jaw-dropping collapse of the so-called sacred wall between editorial and advertising in modern magazine history.”

    Like we say, we haven’t seen it yet, so we’re not sure whether the hyperbole is warranted. But we’re suspicious. First, in principal the idea is not all that galling. Think, for example, of Firestone’s long, singular, solo underwriting of the radio concert series, and an entire symphonic orchestra. Or of Mobil’s unassisted check-signing for Masterpiece Theater. Practically every season, there are a couple of television programs that are presented without commercials, the largesse of Ford, say, or Microsoft, or Bill McGuire. (Uh, maybe not Bill McGuire.) It’s not unprecedented in the world of magazines either, and in recent years, some of the very best glossies are actually owned and operated by major blue-chip advertisers. (Think of Sony Style, or Benneton Colors–both terrific titles where, one could argue, the fact that Corporate Daddy has chased the wolf away from the door, actually makes the magazine more delightfully idiosyncratic, interesting, provocative. But that’s a different animal.*)

    The way Lazare describes some of the issue is a little troubling, if it is–as he claims–as difficult to distinguish ad from edit space. This would suggest the collusion of editors with the advertising people, but then again maybe the conclusion should be a big fat “So what?” It sounds as if the Target campaign is mostly visual, and in a magazine that is typically about 85 percent edit to art, can it be that difficult to discern edit art from advertising art?

    Most troubling of all, we guess, is Lazare’s sort of cavalier dismissal of the creative work that undoubtedly went into the “project”–Target wished to credit the artists involved, and this stinks to Lazare’s high heaven.

    Often, prigs of Lazare’s stripe assume an awful lot about the history of “modern magazines.” We just happen to be reading a biography of E.B. White lately, and we were interested to learn that some of the best, smartest advertisements in The New Yorker in the halcyon 30s and 40s were actually written by White . (Granted, most were house ads to build subscriptions. Note, though, that White was first an advertising copywriter before he ever took the woolen tunic and vows of poverty of the Edit department. ) We’ve mentioned before, too, that editor Harold Ross actually read the ads in the magazine, and in some cases edited (or suggested edits) in the ad space–largely because advertisements were narrative in form, and looked almost exactly like edit space, and he didn’t want the ads to be held to a lower standard than the edit, because he felt it brought the whole magazine down a notch.

    When Lazare expresses outrage at crediting the artists for a project he believes readers are too stupid to recongize as an advertising project, he echoes a most common prejudice. Creative people working in the ad space are paid handsomely, so they don’t get the byline and the non-monetary compensation in prestige that their poor little brothers and sisters get in the edit space. But this too is not a timeless truism inscribed on the stone tablet of Ye Old Testament of Magazine Rules. In a history of Esquire magazine, for example, we recently read that legendary founding editor Arnold Gingrich actually argued the other way-that the fine art appearing in rpestigious advertisments of the 30s and 40s really demanded to be signed by the artists, the readers deserved to know who had created it. (As far as we can tell, the impulse has only survived in those Absolut and Absolut-inspired ads that are commissioned and credited to various strutting cocks of the fine arts world.)

    We have a whole week to check into this–if our copy arrives before we leave for vacation. So more when we get back, possibly, if anything more needs to be said.

    *FULL DISCLOSURE, in the first-person, and besides, it’s interesting though slightly off-topic: I was for several years the editor of Request, a now-defunct magazine that was owned by Musicland/Sam Goody. I know from first-hand experience what good can come from a corproate sugar daddy who is free from the scimpy margins of traditional publishing. My opinion is biased, of course– I thought it was a terrific magazine. But whatever people might have thought of it, I can say that it was entirely mine to make as bad or as good as I pleased, without any interference whatsoever from our benevolent, Armani-armored overlords. By the way, it is defunct now largely because larger financial pressures eventually made those same overlords say to themselves, “What the hell are we doing in the publishing industry, anyway? With those scimpy margins?!! ” Musicland has been sold several times since then, and my only lasting grudge is that the new owners deleted from the web about five years of my life.

  • Keening: A Brief Primer

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    The world is a complex fatigue.

    Hayden Carruth, “August First”

    Whatever asks, heart kneels and offers to bear.

    Jane Hirshfield, “What the Heart Wants”

    Now of all voyagers I remember, who among them

    Did not board ship with grief among their maps? —

    Till it seemed men never go anywhere, they only leave

    Wherever they are, when the dying begins.

    Mary Oliver, “No Voyage”

    I thought that if I could put it all down, that would be one way. And next the thought came to me that to leave all out would be another, and truer, way.

    John Ashbery, “The New Spirit”

    Earth, give me back your pure gifts,

    the towers of silence which rose

    from the solemnity of their roots.

    I want to go back to being what I have not been,

    and learn to go back from such deeps

    that amongst all natural things

    I could live or not live; it does not matter

    to be one stone more, the dark stone,

    the pure stone which the river bears away.

    Pablo Neruda, “Oh Earth Wait For Me”

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    Fold your wings, my soul,

    those wings you had spread wide

    to soar to the terrestrial peaks

    where the light is most ardent:

    it is for you simply to wait

    the descent of the Fire –supposing it to be willing

    to take possession of you.

    Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, Hymn to the Universe

    How many nights must it take

    one such as me to learn

    that we aren’t, after all, made

    from the bird which flies out of its ashes,

    that for a man,

    as he goes up in flames, his one work

    is

    to open himself, to be

    the flames?

    Galway Kinnell, “Another Night in the Ruins”

    It is a special type of sleeplessness that produces the indictment of birth.

    E.M. Cioran, The Trouble With Being Born

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  • My Days As The World's Most Confused Scrabble Player

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    Footfalls echo in the memory

    Down the passage which we did not take

    Towards the door we never opened

    Into the rose-garden.

    –T.S. Eliot, from “Burnt Norton

    It is terrible when the whole man resonates with echoes and echoes, none becoming a real voice.

    Elias Canetti, Notes From Hampstead

    Broken world:

    How is it that I came to find myself in the courtyard of an unfamiliar apartment building, seated on a bench in front of a poor excuse for a fountain, stammering and watching people –all of whom seemed to be afflicted with some sort of mental or physical infirmity– shuffle away into the shadows?

    Where is Beyond the Shadow of a Doubt?

    Find it for me on a map.

    Show it to me.

    Take me there.

    Don’t bore me.

    Please don’t bore me.

    Keep me moving.

    Keep moving me.

    Make me work.

    I am wanting.

    I want.

    I want something.

    I want, I believe, something more.

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    I frankly don’t understand anymore how people make things out of words. It sometimes takes me days to build a single word, any word at all, even when I have elaborate plans and dictionaries and Scrabble letters scattered all over the tabletop in front of me.

    I’ll make what I think is good progress, I’ll have something that almost resembles a word in the dictionary, but the instant I carefully remove the tip of the pen from the paper a mysterious breeze will materialize and blow the whole thing down. Quite often it will simply –not so simply– carry the letters away. I’ve seen them float off through the windows and evaporate into thin air. Sometimes they drift up to the ceiling and just disappear.

    Other times my clumsy attempts at words combust of their own accord, and dissipate in the air around me like smoke. I once labored for days, working around the clock, to construct what I thought was a serviceable sentence –“When the old man arrived in San Pedro he was thirsty and in need of a shave”– only to collapse from exhaustion. I was then startled from a deep stupor at some point in the middle of the night by the smell of smoke, and discovered a pile of smoldering ash where I had left my sentence lying on the table earlier in the evening.

    It has taken me more than two weeks of the most difficult labor to reconstruct from memory an approximate version of that original sentence, and even now I have little faith that those words, that any of these words, will survive another night.