Ah, the all-American hot dish—when you think about it, it’s a surprisingly spot-on analogue to the American people. Both contain three primary ingredients: meat, starch, and some sort of binding agent. Both have protective exteriors, yet their innards are tender and rife with all manner of improbable juxtapositions and mysteries. And, just like people, hot dishes come in all shapes and sizes. Some are for breakfast, some for supper. Some contain unusual ingredients, like pimientos, and some don’t. Virtually all of them, however, can be categorized as quintessentially Midwestern exotica—sort of the culinary equivalent of the Fargo accent. Riddle us this, then, fellow Americans: If you were a hot dish, which concoction would best capture your personality and tastes?
How do you generally greet loved ones?
Handshake (1 point)
Nod of the head (2 points)
Bisou, bisou (3 points)
Smothering embrace (4 points)
Another cold weekend is on tap. How do you spend your Saturday night?
Go for supper at the VFW (1 point)
With a six-pack of Old Mil and pay-per-view wrestling (2 points)
Paging through Finnegan’s Wake and sipping brandy (3 points)
Drinking herbal tea and scrapbooking (4 points)
Someone gives you an unusual gift. What do you exclaim upon opening the package?
“Well, that’s different.” (1 point)
“What the flyin’ fudge is it?” (2 points)
“Omigod, did you get this at Bibelot?” (3 points)
“I LOVE IT!” (4 points)
Now total up your points and find the corresponding hot dish below.
Meat Loaf and Potato Casserole
(3 to 4 points): You’re a stoic Midwesterner with a decent disposition—until you’re asked to eat your vegetables. This peas- and carrots-free dish features all your favorites: beef, potatoes, eggs, milk, and cracker crumbs. No Funyuns in this bad boy! Ketchup is optional but highly recommended.
Chicken A La King
(5 to 7 points): This traditional dish covers the basics—broth (thank God for bouillon cubes!), chicken, mushrooms (canned), rice (instant), and pimientos (out of the jar)—but it’s all gussied up with a name so preposterous that it could be ironic, which it isn’t. And, you know, pimientos have a way of commanding more respect than they truly deserve—just like you, come to think of it.
Cassoulet
(8 to 10 points): There’s nothing too ambitious in this baked dish of sausage, kidney beans, tomatoes, onions, and carrots. Except, that is, for the fancy name, which pretty much means “hot dish” in French. For your part, while you might put on a few airs, at heart you’re really a no-nonsense, salt-of-the-earth type.
Tamale Pie
(11 to 12 points): This fiery recipe, while encouraging improvisation, calls for ground beef, tomatoes, peppers, cornmeal, and, if you’re feeling extra daring, pepper jack! If you really want to go to cheeky extremes, top it off with Fritos and Cheez Whiz. You’re whimsical and highly creative, with a passion for Southwestern cooking to boot.
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