The Rake Magazine

Author: Melinda Jacobs

  • First Place Winner for Most Original Sculpture

    1st place winner for most original sculpture:— 2007 Minnesota Celebrity Butter Carving Contest:

    Every year I participate in a week’s worth of events at the Minnesota State Fair, and granted, the Fair is not until August, BUT I figured this year I should get a jump start honing my skills so I can shoot for the Gold in the AGRI-OLYMPICS.

    It started several years ago when I was a sidekick on KS95’s morning show. My two partners at the time, Rob and Mark, thought it would be fun to nominate me to participate in the Celebrity Cow Milking Contest. "Yeah, let’s get Princess Melinda to walk through the fair in her fancy shoes and see if she can Milk a Cow in front of a live audience."

    "No problem, GUYS. I am up for the challenge," I thought to myself, "but first I am going to require some practice." So I went into the Moo Booth and asked a very cute dairy farmer if he would help me learn how to milk a cow.

    Two hours, people! I spent two hours with my new best friend (Steve) from Albert Lea, learning the proper techniques to milk a cow.

    Lights, TV cameras, and a few drunks in the audience all focused on me for one whole minute (on the official clock), and my lessons paid off. I filled that bucket almost right up to the top, even though my cow decided to use my pretty shoes as the perfect spot to relieve herself.

    Unbelievable! All the D-LIST celebrities took their turns, one by one, squeezing their cows to get more milk in their buckets, but nobody was going to beat me.

    All of us Media types got so competitive, that Rusty Gatenby and Joe Schmidt actually starting using their cow’s teats as weapons
    against each other.

    Had everyone stopped yanking and squeezing the teats so hard and taken the time to learn the proper way to milk a cow (making an OK sign with one hand and massaging the milk down), perhaps they, too, would have had a shot.

    Long story short… For six years straight I was the crowned champion
    of the Celebrity Cow Milking Contest.

    Last year, though, I was off my game and came in third, so I did what any person would do to regain the admiration and respect of my peers: I entered the 2007 Celebrity Butter Carving Contest, using my good buddy TONE FLY as my inspiration.

    Let’s see… How do I carve a work of art — a portrait of T, as I call him — with a plastic knife?

    After studying his bald head and facial features, I had the perfect idea.
    I went to Walgreens and picked up a Mr. Potato Head kit, grabbed a pair of my diamond hoop earrings, cut off a chunk of hair from my Hair Extensions, threw in one of my old sets of fake lashes,
    found a little airplane from one of my son’s old boxes of junk, and created the 1st place award-winning butter sculpture of 2007.

    Well, actually, I got first place in the most original category.
    The real winner was Princess Kay of the Milky Way, whose creation got a standing ovation.

    For the next three months I will be working on butter sculpting techniques in hopes that I can both redeem myself in the Cow Milking Contest and sculpt something that will earn me the title of not just "Most Original Butter Sculpture" but also "Hardest Working
    D-list Celebrity in the 2008 Minnesota State Fair Agri-Olympics."

  • Leave me alone… I am trying to sleep

    I used to think that when I was up at night and my hubby was snoozing, rubbing his back was a nice thing to do.

    Guess it’s not only not nice, but it’s annoying.

    All this time I thought I was being little miss affectionate, but instead… I have been waking up my partner when he is just trying to get some deep sleep.
    I never knew this until today.

    Also I never realized that when I am in a deep sleep and my husband does not WAKE me up to kiss me goodbye, he is not doing it to be mean. He is just trying to let me stay in that pleasant, peaceful world where we sleep like babies.

    Who knew? I didn’t, but I do now.

    All of the people that advise you before you get married to never
    go to sleep angry and always kiss your partner before YOU fall asleep, they got the first part right; but if your partner is in a deep, peaceful sleep and you don’t wake them up for a big smooch, this doesn’t mean you don’t love them. It just means you are being considerate — at least in OUR case.

    There is nothing like affection from your partner (when he or she is awake). I was on the receiving end of that deal this morning, and even though it’s cloudy and cold outside, I feel very warm and fuzzy on the inside. 🙂

    Good luck with the golf game, Honey. I promise from here on out to only kiss you when you are wide awake!

    Hey, you asked for it, Mister, and I KNOW whether you are really sleeping or you’re faking it.

  • W.I.F.E.

    "We would probably have a better shot of
    winning the Power ball lottery than having our wives wear this!"

    This was sent to me by my former boyfriend, who is now my good buddy, Rob Vinton. Yes, he is the son of Bobby Vinton, and we met here on a show about

    being the Child of a Celebrity—(Good Company) KSTP TV—in the ’80s.

    The interesting story about Rob is that he played his father Bobbie Vinton in the movie

    GOODFELLAS. Rob is now the Musical Conductor-Road Manager-and handsome bass

    guitarist on the Bobby Vinton Musical Tour.

    Small world in the creative field.

  • My name is Melinda Jacobs, and I am a Supermodel—NOT!!

    Have you ever wondered what it is like to be a model? Instead of boring you with a long story, I will be as brief as I CAN.

    I have modeled clothes for designers and done that fake (I am too sexy for my shoes) deal: Knollwood Mall in the ’80s. So, it wasn’t Fashion Week in New York… It was still fun to walk the runway with a guy that had to wear a Boy Scout outfit to match my Girl Scout outfit. Why? Because I—at the time—had a huge crush on him.

    Since he is from a very public family, and I don’t have time to get his consent—and go through lawyers—I will call him Mr. Green Eyes. 🙂

    Mr. Green Eyes and I had a lot of fun getting paired up in fashion shows because you really get to know someone when you are given ONE room in which to change—no privacy—and two seconds to take off your clothes and put on the outfit that was selected for you by the CLIENT and approved by your AGENT. Those moments started out fun, but then they just became awkward, tainted with jealousy.

    After that, I had to take a breather. But who wouldn’t take $250 to spend 30 minutes having their picture taken in Pink PJ’s for the TARGET circular?

    That, too, was fun… until a bunch of my high school friends thought it would be cute to copy that ad and post it all over Orono High School. That Monday—which I refer to as Pink Monday from Hell—I thought had taught me a lesson. But, nope; being Me, I had to keep going.

    After playing a Fruit of the Loom Grape at 3 a.m. on a home shopping channel to an audience of 12 people, it was really starting to get to me and make me realize this whole modeling world was NOT for ME.

    There were a few stand out experiences, of course — like the time that I got booked for a national ad for DAYTON’S. Yep. I got the call from my agent at Eleanor Moore; they wanted ME to be the bride for a national print ad.

    I showed up to the shoot, which happened to be at Temple Israel, and—what a surprise—I was booked as the Jewish Bride, and my Jewish Husband was an Italian guy named Tony.

    The whole experience was just wrong. First, I was in make-up and hair for three hours, and when I looked in the mirror afterward, I didn’t look that different. Then came the Wedding Dress. I sucked in my stomach so hard that my ribs were bruised by the dress. And finally, as I was standing at the alter with Tony (my fake Jewish husband), the director told me to lean in and kiss him for TWO HOURS STRAIGHT.

    That was it. I was a married woman getting paid $$$$$ to kiss (more like make-out with) and "be in love with" a fake Jewish guy (a stranger, at that) in the very same synagogue in which I had married my real husband. This whole picture was wrong, wrong, and wrong.

    As usual, I was nice and took direction—except for having to stop and ask the wardrobe stylist for water and mints, which made the big-time New York photographer accuse me of being a prima donna. My fake husband didn’t say a word, and… you do the math—two hours of kissing and hugging with no water. Let’s just say that I can’t be the one accused of bad breath and sweat. :O##

    Well, that was it. I broke my vows to my real husband for $$$$. I felt terrible. The worst part was going out to dinner that night with a bunch of friends, trying to forget the whole day, until—you guessed it—my fake Jewish husband showed up at the SAME restaurant with his girlfriend. Talk about uncomfortable!

    "Howard, meet Tony, my fake husband"

    "Melinda, meet xxxxxx, my girlfriend."

    Yep. That was fun—also a night that made me realize that modeling was NOT my future career… again.

    Which brings me to this last weekend, when I went back down that uncomfortable path by participating in a fashion show. I had only one reason for getting up in front of strangers in clothes that were (how shall I put this) not picked out for my body type and strutting my stuff on stage. It was worth it for one reason and one reason only: Hope Chest and Barbera Hensley. (That sounds like two reasons, but it’s really not. Barbara founded Hope Chest in 2002, after losing her oldest sister to breast cancer.)

    FYI: The highlight of the show was modeling along side Grandma B (the Cutie Pie Mom of JEROME BENTON AND TERRY LEWIS) and having a lot of money raised for the Dear and Lovely Barbara Hensley & her Hope Chest for Breast Cancer.

    The low part was being told by the "professional" MODEL that my tags were hanging out — to which I responded by saying, "Thank you. I am not a pro, so I appreciate your help." Of course, I wasn’t too crazy about having to show my spandex to let all the woman know that I, too, have flaws; but the cream cheese and bagel breakfast gave me no choice. It was spandex or popped buttons. 🙂

  • If you don't like this blog then you are a BOOBIE

    photo by Jessica Hegland,

    Hair by Jon Richards. Make up by Leilani Baker, Make up Artist Goddess.
    Wardrobe from Melly’s Closet of Phases: Dress-BADGLEY MISCHKA-purchased at the DAYTON’S 2day warehouse sale during my lunch break at KSTP TV. Price for me to know and you not! Shoes: don’t have a clue because someone stole them from me when I took them off to dance at some random club downtown.

    I am so sick and tired of people making fun of people they assume do not have an appreciation or sophistication for the FINER THINGS IN LIFE. I have had the great PRIVILEGE of traveling to places most people only dream of, eating food that makes my mouth feel like it’s having a big old party in there, and best of all, seeing beautiful ARTWORK every day. So what is my problem?

    I am sorting through a lot of "things" right now that are valuable and deciding what I should do with them. I am in no hurry to sell anything, but I am in a hurry to make sure the right people are given some of the great privilege that I have been given all of my life so I can put the same smile on their faces that they have put on mine.

    So when I recently met with "X" and expressed my frustration and confusion over starting this process, I was given that "look" of disgust when I was talking to her about ART. Apparently, being the unsophisticated person that I am, I was not using proper "Art Speak" while I was talking.

    Who made this random person the "Chief of Art Speak"? I will tell you who did. SHE did. And since I am now "Chief of the things that I have been blessed with," that gives me the right to say that she can go take a flying leap, and I hope that her perfect hair looks the same wet as when it’s dry. I am guessing it probably looks more along the lines of something a bunch of rats would enjoy calling home.

    Insult after insult, I sat there and took it like a trooper, and then I got in my car (paid for with my own money) and went home and looked around my house, appreciating even more the beautiful ART that my husband and I have.

    As to the kind of ART that we enjoy looking at every day, it consists mostly of My Mother’s artistic genius.

    The so-called valuable pieces that Mrs. "Snotty Butt" would love to impress her Clients with will be given to people in my life who DESERVE the choice as to whether or not they want to hang the work on their walls or sell it on E-Bay.

    I found it beyond comprehension that I was being frowned on because I was not B.S.ing my way with small talk and essentially saying what comes natural to me. In other words, I was being Melinda Jacobs, the person who wakes up the same way every day with hair that is starting to gray from wasting MY VALUABLE time on phony baloneys.

    So, where the heck am I going with this?

    Remember, blogging — thank god — is still one of the few ways that we can ALL express the person who we really are without a certain code of conduct. That is why I love it. In fact, I am passionate about it! It’s ART to ME.

    What is beautiful to you, what wakes you up in the morning and gets your heart pumping, your energy going… that feeling of Passion is truly your choice. And if someone tries to diminish that or hurt you, just because they think they know more than you or are better than you, here is my suggestion:

    Next time you get "the look" for being authentic and being yourself, look that person straight in the eye and say "Boobies." It has done a lot for me in being able to weed out the phonies and reel in some treasures of pure gold.

    Enjoy the picture of this statue that I have sitting in my office. That is a piece of ART that may have dollar signs on it, but to me it’s not only a metaphor of my life but a priceless one in so many ways.

    By the way, it’s for sale.
    (I am kidding.)

    —Melinda Jacobs

  • A Shipload of Amusement

    In a previous blog I said that I would share with you some pictures from my Mexican Cruise when I receive them.

    Well, to be honest, I was given them a few weeks ago but was hesitant to share them.

    After going back and forth with what I should do with this one photo, I realized that if a woman is willing to get naked in front of a SHIP-load of people, then who am I to not share the picture that she obviously wanted people to see.

    So here is a photo that will delight anyone who has appreciation for a woman with a great body who doesn’t care who sees it.

    Maybe someday I, too, will get naked in public. But it probably won’t happen unless I am in a foreign country where people don’t make a big deal about not wearing clothes — and where cameras are not allowed!

  • Kathie Lee's Return to the Vultures

    AP photo by Richard Drew

    I have been waiting to blog because my topics have changed several times over the last few weeks.

    After settling into what is now my new place of business (Jacobs’ Trading Company), it dawned on me that before I blog about the self-serving topic of working at the same place as my spouse, I should cover Kathie Lee pulling a fast one and returning to morning TV.

    And of course, I had to watch the first couple of days as an objective TV viewer before giving my two cents.

    Now, let me preface my blog with this: Over the years, I have spent time with Kathie Lee, her husband Frank (who always smells good), and her well-mannered, now grown-up children Cody and Cassidy.

    There, I divulged that I may be biased and non-objective in this blog post. Clearly, you know at this point that I am NOT TRYING to pretend that my training in journalism with a personal coach worked, nor did the boring writing classes, so let’s all just move on with it, shall we?

    Like the rest of the world,
    I watched Kathie Lee come out on her first day with her head held high, looking healthy, beautiful, and more content than I have ever seen in all my years of knowing her.

    In Kathie’s own words, she has gained 10 pounds since her last go-around on TV. And since I, too, have enjoyed my way through 10 extra pounds in the last few years, I think it’s safe for me to say that stress=thin=looking old, and stress free=curves=looking younger.

    If I didn’t know Kathie’s real age I would say she looks younger than her co-host, Hoda, and it’s not due to plastic surgery and fake hair. In fact, I would venture to say that it’s probably a case of good meals and conversation on the home front. Yes there is a cryptic message in there, so I better get back on point.

    It came as no surprise to me that Kathie Lee was not only on her game for her national re-emerging but she — as the young ones say — Rocked It!

    What really set me off were the reviews that Kathie got from TV critics. Many of her harshest critics (women) were pleased with her "performance." It was the others (men) that were just plain mean.

    Why? In my opinion it’s because god forbid a woman be 56 years old and be looked at in the same way as, say, a 25-year-old — in a business where your outer shell comes first and what is on in the inside is only secondary.

    Yeah, yeah, I know what some of you are thinking — is this the same woman who used her name to do endorsement deals for laser hair removal and plastic surgery? Guilty as charged, but that girl has left the country and does not plan to return. 🙂

    Which brings me to the disgust I felt when I was about to fall asleep and heard on the TV, in the background, Kathie Lee being associated with "old farts."

    When is the last time that tabloid TV shows (TMZ) have referred to a 56-year-old experienced MALE TV veteran as "an old fart"? I think it’s time the old cocky lawyer/want-to-be TV star got his eyes checked, because he is NO prize to look at it and could use a good teeth whitening!

    So I am going to give you my personal opinion on Kathie Lee Gifford, from someone who has spent time with her over the years and admired her tenacity to hold her head up high when most people would crawl under the sheets and go away, never to return.

    Kathie Lee is a woman that has been through what now up to 70 percent of all married people experience, and that is infidelity. The media acted like preying vultures over fresh raw meat when the Tabloids thought it would be "FUN" to set up the husband of a successful woman and see if he would take the bimbo bait.

    How do these people sleep at night?

    You have a woman, and a mom, whose only fault was to share with the world that marriage and raising children can be done at the same time as having a career and once in a while giving TMI.

    You have a woman that was joyful and happy about the same milestones we all, as parents, feel — but with a much bigger audience and in a much more public way. So what?!

    Are there that many people out there that are so unhappy in their own lives that is makes them feel better to smack down someone who means well, just because she wakes up in the morning and is happy?

    I, for one, would much rather be entertained by someone who has a naughty sense of humor (which Kathie does) than by some miserable old bats that are pissed off at the world because they don’t have something that other people do.

    I will share with you this one story that sticks in my head: I was in Florida with family, having brunch with Kathie and her family. Unlike most moms taking their daughters to the restroom to do their business, Kathie had half the women in the place (without their daughters) following her to the restroom. Instead of drawing the line at giving her a little space with Cassidy, all of these STRANGERS lined up with cameras in tow to take snapshots and inquire about mundane things (which you just don’t do); and instead of doing what most of us would have done, which is to swat people and yell at them to back off, Kathie was gracious and funny, letting these STRANGERS know
    that she was in Mom mode but really did appreciate that they took "THEIR" time to come and share some space with her even if it was in the BATHROOM.

    I called a friend of mine, who is a successful MAN in TV and whose opinion I value, to ask what he thought of Kathie Lee’s return to TV. HIS words sum up not only Kathie Lee’s return but, hopefully, the trend in good and entertaining TV: "Bravo. I think it’s great, and it shows that TV is going back to its roots and using what was successful before, again."

    I can only hope this time around all of the vultures will stay at bay and let this still beautiful and kind-hearted woman be well-liked again, without trying to destroy the myth that women who have a happy home life can have a happy and prosperous work life too.

    Go get ’em, Kathie!!!!!!!!

     

  • When "No" Should Be "Yes"

    Anybody see Jersey Boys?

    If you did, please let me know what you thought.
    I will pass your feedback along to one of the investors, whom I just happen to know — Mr. M. 🙂

    I may be a little biased, but all of the cast in my opinion have been terrific.

    Here is a little inside scoop that I got from opening night in New York. One of the stars from the Sopranos was asked to invest, and he told me after the show that it was the first time "No" should have been "Yes."

    True story, Friends.

    Melinda Jacobs

  • I'm Baaaaaaaack…

    Well, I am back from my cruise on the Mexican Riveria with my in-laws, and this vacation made my Top 5 for A LOT of reasons: beautiful weather, zip lining, and not one fight. Ok, well, maybe just ONE…

    I was a little nervous about going on this trip, because I had already decided — after "enjoying" a visit now and then to a casino — that it is in my best interest not to gamble. The first night at sea, there it was: THE CASINO, through which I had to travel for all my family meals. I knew I was in trouble!

    This whole damn thing started when I was only around 10 years old. During a family trip to Lake Tahoe, I wandered into a casino and hid in a corner to watch the adults play. I wanted in. So I paged Mr. M with an emergency phone call and told Mr. M to please put my five dollar bill down on lucky 17 at the roulette table.

    The pit bosses chased me out, of course, but Mr. M remained agreeable. I waited patiently in the hotel room to find out if my number came up.

    Well… Mr. M had been in the midst of a serious winning streak, and to be perfectly honest, my call threw his whole game off. So, after what seemed like an hour, Mr. M came up to my room and handed me back my five dollar bill, along with another five dollars in exchange for my promise to never page him again without a real emergency. He also asked that I stay in the hotel room until the adults were back and warned me NOT to spend my profit but to SAVE it for a rainy day.

    To ensure that I would not lose my original $5, he gave them to me in the form of a chip, which I, of course, could not cash in at the casino.

    When the coast was clear, I was off to the hotel gift shop to see what I could get with my five dollar chip and my new-found wealth of five bucks cash. And there they were, my VERY first PURCHASE, two of the biggest dice I had ever seen.

    I walked up to the cashier and purchased the big dice. When I tried to use the
    chip to buy another pair for my best friend Annie, the lady pointed out that I was not an adult so I could not use that five dollar chip. Well, I had tried… I ran back to the room with my giant dice and my five dollar chip.

    When Mr. M walked in the room — still not too thrilled with my "emergency page" — he told me to give him back the five dollar chip and my five bucks cash, and that he would hold it for me until the trip was over.


    Shit! What do I say?

    All I could think to say was that I had lost the cash, but that I still had the chip.

    "How could you lose $5 sitting in a hotel room?” he asked.

    With my best poker face I told him that I went down the hall to get some ice and somehow lost the bill. He knew I was lying, and I could tell, but I was determined to get home with my new big dice, which I had hidden in my luggage.

    Back in the comfort of my own home, settled into my bed, I finally took out the big red dice and felt horrible! Back and fourth in my head I tried to figure out how I could explain myself to — you guessed it — Mr. M,
    a.k.a. My Father, to whom I had lied. All I wanted was to be like all of
    the hot shot adults.

    At about 2 o’clock in the morning, after a lot of tossing and turning, I
    went into my parents room and fessed up about the whole thing. But rather than yelling and screaming at me, my parents simply asked me to please learn from the experience and understand that gambling is very serious and that is why it is not legal until you are AN ADULT.

    I learned all right, but when I flew to Las Vegas for the first time with my husband — already Legal, of course — I put a dollar into the first slot machine I saw in the airport after we landed and WON a jackpot.

    Who wins jackpots at the airport? Apparently, this genetic lottery
    winner.

    After years of being ridiculously lucky in casinos, however, my time was up.

    So… back to why there was a little fight on the family vacation.

    The second to last night, at the beginning of dinner, I told my husband that I was going up to the room to get a sweater, but I could not control myself any longer…

    I made my way toward the room, and before I knew it I was singing "mama needs a new pair of shoes" with my new gambling friends (who were college guys from USC and U of A) at the craps table. Every time I threw the dice — bada bing — my pile of chips would grow in front of ME and the guys, along with a fantastic new version of "Momma Melly just got all of our moms a new pair of shoes." I thought to myself, "Howard is going to kill me." But, hey, I had just made a lot of money.

    An hour later, I walked back to the dinner table (without my sweater) to
    see the look of complete dismay on my husband’s face, and even worse, on my kids’ faces.
    I handed Howard the cash and felt that same sick feeling that I felt when I lied the first time about gambling.
    It was NOW official: all the fun, all the cash, and even the great new cruise ship song of "Melly just bought all of our Moms new shoes" were not worth the price of disappointment that I had bestowed on my loved ones.

    The reason for the picture of the donkey and I is to show you a visual
    of how I felt after that one and only fight:

    Picture the donkey the other way around.

    The last night of the trip, when my brother-in-law Joel tried to get me to play poker with him I proudly said, "no thanks." Then I went back to the room with my forgiving husband and fell asleep in his arms to the sound of the rocking waves, the smell of the fresh clean air, and memories of all the fun things we did on our family vacation.

    I will share those pics with you when I receive them from my niece
    Katy.

    "Momma Melly" is officially in retirement right now, deleting all e-mails from college guys at USC and the University of Arizona.

  • What's in a Handbag?

    photos by Tom Weiss

    Well, it’s snowing AGAIN, and I am sure you’ve reached the point where you just want to take a break and be done with winter. I am right there with you. 🙂

    So, how about taking a little mini vacation for a few hours and getting together with some good friends (and CARLOS FALCHI!) at PUMPZ & Company this Friday from 11 a.m. to 2 p.m. at Galleria in Edina?

    Yes, I have work as well, but this purse and accessory designer makes it well worth sneaking away for a quick break just to see the beautiful handbags and accessories he creates.

    By the way, I really want to stress that I DON’T get paid to promote any designer; but I do enjoy promoting a designer who creates unique handbags that have been seen on the arms of — oh, what the heck, I am going to name drop here for a second — Nancy Reagan, Madonna, Kim Cattrall, Jessica Simpson, and the forever fashion icon Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis.

    I would love to give you more tidbits. Maybe tell your boss you have a terrible headache and come in person to shake Mr. Falchi’s hand, get an autograph, or simply enjoy seeing up close the "It" bags that have been featured in Sex and the City, The Devil Wears Prada, and the new favorite chocolate treat: Lipstick Jungle.

    What is the worst thing that can happen? Your boss follows you and ends up thanking you for the good tip? 🙂

    If you want any more information, or if you could be kind enough to RSVP, call Lola Red PR at 612-333-1723 or email pumpz@lolaredpr.com.

    FYI: I recently had a buddy in town who just happens to be a major movie star, and she asked me to take her to the best place in MN to get shoes. You guessed it: We went to PUMPZ & Company at the Galleria — with her lame disguise on — and she fell in love with the store. Maybe next time she comes back and buys some shoes there I will tell her that she should never wear the same pair of shoes twice on the red carpet and make her feel better by having her donate her "Pumpz" purchases to charity.

    Now it’s back to reality and time for me to go and shovel my driveway. Yes, I do shovel, people. 🙂

    Happy Wednesday! 🙂

    —Melly