The Rake Magazine

Author: Rich Goldsmith

  • Tweak Locally, Think Globally

    Green is the new watchword for consumer products and goods.
    We can track our carbon footprints, find out how many miles our food traveled
    to our plates, and make a point only to have toe-curling
    carnal gymnastics with Prius drivers     — so why do we insist on persecuting
    those entrepreneurial souls     trying to provide a local option to area
    pot-heads, tweakers, and cuddle-puddlers?

    Despite law enforcement’s best efforts, as much as 80 percent
    of drugs in Minnesota arrive from warmer
    climes, especially Mexico.
    This, of course, begs the question as to why illegal immigrants are demonized
    while most of the folks causing cross-border shenanigans are happy to leave the
    country upon making their deliveries, with a stop in Tijuana for a relaxing day
    at the spa, and perhaps a donkey show. It also represents a vexing conundrum.
    In a world where we supporting our local farmers is a nigh-Stalinistic
    directive, where people trade in their SUVs for effete gas-sipping roller skates,
    and where food labels have become nightmarish non-Euclidean landscapes with
    organic designations and seals of approval handed down by eldritch beings older
    than time itself, why do people not pump more money into our local economy by
    tweaking locally as well?

    Instead of jailing these entrepreneurial souls, where
    they’re more than certain to make recreational pharmaceuticals for penal
    distribution from a slurry of toilet water, Kool Aid, powdered laundry detergent and tears, we should be celebrating them. Don’t look at it as 18.4 pounds of illicit narcotics. We should view it as 18.4 pounds of premium Minnesota agriculture. And not only do these enterprising young men
    reduce the carbon footprint of Minnesotan addicts, but they also contribute to
    geopolitical stability. If we choose local drugs, we reduce demand for narcotic
    happiness from Mexico.
    In turn, this reduces the power of Mexican drug kingpins, allowing police in Northern Mexico to have something vaguely resembling hope
    in their war on drugs. On the other hand, anything
    that keeps chubby prepubescent boys gainfully employed     while getting some
    exercise can’t be all bad.

    Regardless, this new sustainable approach to drugs will
    yield benefits all around. The quality of product will likely rise, as the meth
    flowing through the border is only about 70 to 75 percent pure — American
    craftsmanship always wins out in the end. It’s better for the environment, as
    shipping is dramatically decreased and trucks won’t be crashing through
    pristine wilderness areas during high speed chases with the border patrol or Captain
    Planet    . Plus, it keeps money in the local economy. Millions of dollars that
    once flowed south will stay in Minnesotan coffers, enriching Best Buy, Target,
    local liquor stores, chemical supply warehouses, and local weapons dealers
    throughout the metro area and beyond.

    Not to mention another benefit — with increased need for
    drug enforcement, Minneapolis and Saint Paul will have more reason to exercise
    the loopholes in the new
    property tax cap     that allow the cities to raise property taxes beyond the
    limit to pay for new police officers. This call for additional peace officers
    reduces unemployment and underemployment, plus provides more news for the
    ailing newspaper industry to cover, what with the increased prevalence of
    neighborhood meth lab explosions, police shoot outs and high speed chases.

    And with the plight of the family farmer constantly in the
    news, this push for a more sustainable drug trade couldn’t come at a more
    opportune time. Ready access to fertilizer, ample tillable land and isolated
    homesteads with few nosy neighbors investigating odd smells mean huge windfalls for
    enterprising farmers looking to capitalize on the new craze. Buffalo,
    MN could potentially be Minnesota’s next boom town — reaping not
    only economic benefits, but rapid increases in diversity, local entertainment,
    and notoriety.

    Of course, these benefits would not be without drawbacks.
    The surburban traffic that once passed through Minneapolis’
    less savory neighborhoods in search of their fix would move north to Buffalo. And if there’s
    one thing no man should wish on his neighbor, it’s an influx of people from
    Lakeville.

  • Get the #Q)*?!#$ Off My Lawn

    On the well-manicured lawn that is the Democratic primary,
    there resides a two large groups of little old men shouting epithets at
    one another, screaming for "these kids" to get
    the fuck off their lawn    .

    Sadly, these arthritic individuals aren’t Edina’s most senior residents, as one might
    expect of these wizened figures glowering at any who would dare trespass on
    their pristine grass. No, these crotchety creatures shaking their fists at one
    another are the splintered remnants of the once proudly unified Democratic
    party. Now, after months of spewing bile and vitriol in the most closely fought
    primary in U.S.
    election history, the party is split – a camel toe on the hot pants of American
    politics, if you will.

    One group sides with the party’s Luke Skywalker – Barack
    Obama. With the Force as his guide and a lightsaber wit he has
    systematically thwarted the ambitions of his opposition in most states without
    a reputation for incest or goat
    love    . Up until a few months ago, Hillary Clinton was the presumptive
    nominee – basking in the collective adulation of the left-hand of American
    politics with a nigh-unbelievable midichlorian count. Now she has been pushed off her pedestal and is seeking to parlay her
    grip on America’s crotch into a last
    desperate hope for a presidential nod.

    Regardless of who is eventually chosen as the Democratic
    nominee, the party is in trouble. With a significant percentage of each
    candidates’ saying they’d
    never vote for the other    , what used to look like a potential majority in
    congress along with a nigh-certain seat in the Oval Office, complete with
    nubile interns ready to provide service with a smile, is turning into a potential tossup if
    Democrats embittered by the primary stay home or vote Green. Minnesota is a prime example of this phenomenon, with thousands of Obamites crying for blood in the event of what now looks like an unlikely Hillary win.

    Normally, this all or nothing mentality would seem to be
    something to be respected, or at least be a compelling argument for instant
    runoff voting    . And I have nothing but admiration for those who are willing
    to shoot themselves in the foot to take a stand against a cause they believe to
    be immoral. However, in this case it’s not shooting themselves in the foot so
    much as it is packing their collective rectum with C-4 and handing the
    detonator to the Evil
    Midnight Bomber What Bombs at Midnight    .

    Voting Green isn’t equated with explosive asses as a general
    rule, but those are the stakes set by Democrats this year. According to
    virtually every one of them, this next election is the one that will determine
    the country’s position on the world stage – a plausible theory given that
    Canadian money is now as valuable as the U.S. dollar. If that’s not a sign of America’s
    pending doom, what is? But why is such a significant percentage of Hillary
    Clinton and Barack Obama’s supporters so willing to throw away the chance to
    set the direction of the country for years to come when the candidates’
    policies bear incredible similarities, especially when stacked up against the
    Republican competition?

    The bottom line is that the entire election campaign has consisted
    of talk about the necessity of change, about change for the better, about the
    country being unable to afford four more years of the same failed foreign
    policy. So why are so many Democrats already so bitter that they’ve made up
    their minds before the chosen candidate, whoever it may be, has a chance to
    make his or her platform known without getting a Democratic donkey punch
    after every speech – thus risking the very change they claim to want more than
    a sweaty night on a circle
    bed     with Scarlet Johansson and the winners of The
    Rake’s Most Beautiful People at the Capitol contest    ?

  • Legislatin' Sexy

    As the 2008 session draws to a close with no small amount of
    pomp and ceremony today, it is a time to reflect upon the marvel that is the
    modern democratic process. More particularly, it is a time to think about the
    countless hordes of people at the Capitol who toil every day to grease the cogs
    in the great machine that is our state government, their pleated khaki pants
    and skirts billowing softly in the gentle breeze coming in off the Mississippi.
    For it is not just the Sex
    Hog     who deserves recognition. All who emerge dripping with sweat into the sunlight after months of drafting bills and desperately
    searching for common ground – even if that common ground consists simply of
    looking across the aisle gazing longingly at a particularly striking member of
    the opposition party.

    So today, to recognize the profound brilliance, and hotness,
    that is our public servants at the Capitol, marks the launch of The Defenestrator’s
    first annual "Most Beautiful People at the Capitol". The award recognizes the
    beauty and brains of all those who will emerge today on the Capitol steps,
    hungry for the alcohol and thousands of hours of comp time that is their due.
    And the top 10 most beautiful people at the Capitol, five men and five women,
    will receive a fabulous prize package and a photo shoot to be featured here, on
    The Rake. But to find those souls most
    deserving of this award, we need your help.

    Yes, it’s up to you to help determine who the top 10 most
    beautiful people at the Capitol are. So if a legislative assistant caught your
    eye from across the aisle, if a fetching intern’s work on health care reform
    dazzled you in its brilliance, if you were stopped in your tracks by a
    strapping researcher with rippling triceps balancing a daunting stack of books
    that rivaled any of Hercules’ 12 labors, or even if the dizzying smile of a
    Capitol police officer brought to mind fantasies of being "taken in" for petty
    larceny, let us know in the comments below (yes, we take anonymous comments) or
    send us an email at goldsmith@rakemag.com.
    Simply let us know who at the Capitol, from legislators to interns and lobbyists, fits the
    bill by Friday, May 30, and we’ll tally the votes.

    So before you run off to The Liffey to cope with the shock of
    effective legislative compromise, take a moment to nominate a colleague who
    toils in obscurity despite their obvious beauty and brains. For what is
    politics if not yet another quest for beauty, truth, and possibly someone who
    fills out Dockers in all the right ways?

  • Pawlenty's Spandex-Clad Aspirations

    Every hero needs a sidekick. Tombstone had Hammerhead, Batman had Robin, Thundarr the Barbarian
    had Princess Ariel and Ookla, and Paris Hilton had everyone. Repeatedly. Now,
    in the twilight years of his life, John McCain yearns for the same sort of
    comforting companionship that comes from a bosom buddy who can double as an
    effective lackey in a pinch. And while recommendations for this coveted
    position have streamed in from the furthest corners of the United States and beyond, some say
    the baleful eye of the GOP’s very own
    Methuselah     has come to rest in the Land of 10,000 Lakes.

    Several names are being bandied about as potential choices
    for McCain’s VP/life insurance policy, however Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty has been
    near or at the top of every one. And why wouldn’t he be? Our governor brings
    suburban good looks, boyish charm that has consistently delivered astronomical
    approval ratings despite nigh-constant legislative gridlock and the chance to
    gain an edge in a state that hasn’t been in electoral play since Nixon in 1972.
    So what if he lacks a sense of humor and we all shift uncomfortably in our
    seats when he makes any sort of sexual
    reference    ? The fact remains that Gov. Pawlenty has known McCain for nearly
    30 years and is rather well liked in the hallowed halls of GOP power brokers –
    giving pundits across the country a chance to look down their noses, shuffle
    papers, and expound endlessly on the subject, coming to the inevitable
    conclusion that Pawlenty is the man for the job.

    And why am I different from those pundits? Well, I swear
    rather often, I’m more misanthropic, and I have a demonstrated appreciation
    for     boobs.

    So, while Gov. Timmy prepares to veto the recently passed
    education bill, which he warned the legislature not to if they ever wanted to
    see their precious Central Corridor, ever again, the unrelenting discussion
    spews forth from cable news networks and online media whenever there’s a break
    in the unspeakable clusterfuck that is the contest between Barack Obama and
    Hillary Clinton. Who will be McCain’s running mate? The
    Washington Post         was so desperate for news this past Sunday that they
    even wrote a top five list of potential candidates. Of course, since no one
    really has much clue what sort of decisions Sen. Senility hath wrought, some of
    the candidates listed for the position of Senate tiebreaker and chief
    presidential bootlicker stretched the bounds of plausibility and entered the
    realm of OMGWTFLOLBBQ.

    Take #5 for example – Mitt Romney. Not only was he exposed
    during his campaign for the presidency as an overly-ambitious, ego-driven
    lackwit, but this political chameleon with more hair gel than neurons has one
    central roadblock preventing him from merrily prancing down the road to sipping
    kiddie
    cocktails     at McCain’s side in the White House (aside from that whole
    general election thing) – Johnny despises him. Loathes him with the heat of
    1,000 suns, even. And since Mr. McCain already likely feels the encroaching
    doom of his mortality quite keenly, he’s not likely looking to give Romney a
    job that’s but one ninja throwing star away from the presidency.

    In any case, if Pawlenty does get the nod as the
    presidential sidekick, the bigger question is whether he’d accept the
    unflattering spandex outfit and wacky
    catchphrases     that are often the job’s sad requirement. And why would he?
    For the last two legislative sessions he’s made the DFL dance to his
    machinations, and in just a few more years he may be able to run for the
    presidency against Barack Obama. A few more years, and a possible withdrawal
    from Iraq,
    would do wonders to further divorce him from the Bush legacy – which is,
    without a doubt, the 250lb transvestite hooker with questionable immigration
    status pounds on the door of virtually every GOP campaign event, demanding the
    money for last night.

    And if Pawlenty doesn’t accept, it’d be quite sad for
    McCain’s Straight Talk Express. Tears would flow as the campaign staffers
    realize that Minnesota’s desperation for
    recognition on a national level – the same desperation that leads the state to
    lay claim to celebrities with tenuous Minnesota ties at best
    – won’t work in their favor this election cycle.

    But really, who are we kidding? How often does the office of
    the vice presidency get offered to a man? Here we have a savvy politician with
    ambition and a hunger to reduce Democrats to groveling and simpering lumps of
    flesh, fighting for scraps from the very government they should be controlling.
    Would he say no to his Great American Hero? Would he defy the call to arms?
    Could he resist the siren song of this real life Captain America,
    forswearing the clinging spandex and short shorts of the sidekick, possibly
    forever? Could he resist the temptation of vice presidential booty calls given
    that Mary has denied him her womanly charms for so long, so very long?

    I say thee nay.

  • GOP BDSM

    As the debate at the capitol starts to sound eerily Tyra-inspired, it’s
    important to note that, according to The Defenestrator’s highly-knowledgeable sources, had House and Senate
    leadership handled Pawlenty’s veto of the Central Corridor differently, many of the problems the DFL caucus has with Tim
    Pawlenty’s demands likely would have been non-issues. As
    things stand, (or sit, bound and gagged to a chair, really) Sen. Steve "Technicolor
    Dreamcoat    " Murphy and Rep. Margaret Kelliher are in dire need of Mick
    Jagger’s sage counsel, not to mention a safe word:

    You see, the DFL caucus blew their proverbial wad when the
    veto of the Central Corridor came down. Rather than allowing the public to
    comment on this great disturbance in the Force, the one that felt as if
    millions of public transit users cried out in terror and were suddenly
    silenced, the DFL legislators tipped their hand, letting Gov. Pawlenty know
    just how desperately they
    craved the long sinuous track     running sensuously through Frogtown’s deepest
    and most secret crevices. And while the train is rather important, the fiscal solvency
    of Minnesota’s
    cities would seem to be even more important than joining hands and riding the love train.

    And what could possibly threaten our urban areas enough to
    risk jeopardizing quiet and comfortable public transit to our finest
    ethnic
    eateries?
    Simple – in a bizarre twist, our executive branch wants to play nanny. Not to
    any delicious babies, of course – he prefers free range – but to property
    owners. It’s no secret that our governor has not enjoyed the nigh-daily dirty
    sanchez     he receives from irate constituents and opponents who blame him for
    stratospheric hikes in property taxes. And it’s true that, while he may not
    exert direct control over said taxes, his cuts in local government aid and
    other funding has forced our cities and towns to look for revenue in other
    places…like our homes. Now that he has the DFL caucus bound, gagged, and
    spread-eagled, Timmy has decided that the best way to address the situation is
    to place a cap on those property taxes. Of course, out of the goodness of his
    heart he tied it to the consumer price index to account for inflation – his
    version of the reach-around. Too bad he has freakishly short arms.

    While Gov. Pawlenty’s concern for the taxpaying public is
    like a warm fuzzy blanket made from the fur of 1,000 virgin kittens, the
    consequences to urban areas could be disastrous. Minneapolis
    and St. Paul were forced to drop the quality of
    essential services during the last downturn, shedding police and fire
    department employees, not to mention Minneapolis
    residents’ unrequited desire to borrow books on Sundays. Given that no one
    wants to see Minneapolis
    cops any more surly,
    hamstringing one of the cities’ primary sources of funds seems like a
    profoundly bad idea. The sort of idea that would come from the diseased mind of
    a crack-addled human/badger crossbreed, actually.

    This is not to say the DFL’s magical new formula for
    determining property tax refunds is sent down from the heavens, carried by
    rainbow riding valkyries singing show tunes. Capping property taxes at 2
    percent of income for anyone earning less than $100,000 would make the tax code
    more progressive, but there are far simpler ways to accomplish that goal – like
    perhaps actually making the tax code progressive. Wacky idea, I know, but it
    just might work.

    In any case, the legislative session continues on unabated
    despite the governor’s hand wrapped firmly around the collective genitalia of the
    DFL caucus, squeezing more tightly every day. The only question remaining is
    just how much will the legislature sacrifice to preserve its precious precious light
    rail. And whether Rep. Kelliher and Gov. Pawlenty agreed on a safe word. The
    variable that still remains to be determined, of course, is what DFL legislature has to give up in exchange for freedom.
    Delicious. Tantalizing.
    Freedom.    .

  • A Sesquicentennial in the Spring of Our Discontent

    Older generations often talk wistfully of times past – an
    era when candy was a nickel and hookers cost but sixpence. And with Minnesota’s sesquicentennial occurring this year, the temptation to romanticize is pushed even farther, with tales of subzero temperatures, white out conditions, and devouring small children to survive winter’s lean times bandied about like so many empowering after-school special style messages delivered by Hillary Duff.

    But is it really a terrible thing that our civic and
    nationalistic zeal is at an all-time low? It should certainly come as no surprise when our state legislature and governor have only in the last few days been able to stop offering a combination of absurd budget proposals and Yo’ Momma jokes and actually sit down to hammer out a compromise that may prevent nearly 10 percent tuition hikes at the U, the loss of $450 million in Federal money, and the rising use of ninjas in foreclosure cases. Plus, with disapproval of the president at an all-time high of 67 percent, the country hemorrhaging money and global goodwill in Iraq
    faster than Delta’s top execs , and the American dollar nearly equal to the vile Canadian Loon, it would seem to many that we have precious little to be proud of in
    these troubled times.

    So, with the state legislature bickering over property tax caps and whether Minneapolis police officers will soon have the power to
    pull over downtown revelers, hot chick and douchebag alike, who may be too tipsy to remember their seatbelts, not to mention turning on their headlights, turning off the windshield wipers, or perhaps even closing the door, Minnesota
    Statehood Week could not possibly come at a better time. From May 11-May 18 we’ll have ample opportunity to think fondly of the days when Minnesota’s politicians were simply bald-faced land grabbers, rather than two-faced opportunists. Best of all, to celebrate Minnesota’s statehood, a Dunlap Broadside – one of the original 25 copies of the Declaration of Independence made on the evening of the Declaration’s signing – is on display until the 18th
    at the Minnesota History Center.

    This may seem like grasping at straws to the nihilists out there, but the ideals stated in the Declaration of Independence, in combination with our Constitution, are the foundation upon which our country’s eminence
    rests. As such, having this document in the state, touched by the founding fathers and imbued with the words that justified the formation of our country as it is, is a rather momentous occasion. And it certainly wouldn’t hurt anyone
    to reacquaint themselves with these words – especially those in our legislative and executive branches who don’t seem to understand that even well-intentioned political gamesmanship has, on occasions throughout history, been met with
    something less than the accolades politicians hope for from their constituency.

    When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have
    connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they
    should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

    We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their
    Creator with certain unalienable Rights that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. – That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, – That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such
    form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath
    shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same
    Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.

  • A+B=WTF

    On Wednesday, April 30, 2008, Sen. John McCain jumped the
    shark.

    Now, I’ve got a lot of respect for the man. He’s always been
    something of a straight shooter. And when a man spends time in a POW camp and
    can’t raise his arms above his shoulders as a result, I’m inclined to cut the
    guy some slack. But in a campaign stop in Pennsylvania yesterday, McCain claimed that pork
    barrel spending caused the 35W bridge to fall down go boom    . Pork barrel
    spending didn’t cause the bridge to fall. All reports up until now point to
    trade school engineers from the 60s who were likely too baked to carry the
    damn one. And given how commonly politicians have taken the "If I say it, it
    must be true" approach this campaign season, I would’ve much rather watched the
    GOP’s candidate for president actually jump the Mississippi on a
    motorcycle     than listen to a man formerly known for candid statements trying to score political points by holding court whilst spewing
    forth a toxic slurry of obfuscating crap that would rival the noxious sludge at
    the bottom of the Mississippi itself.

    But why do candidates feel so comfortable hocking these
    juicy loogies of misinformation at us? They know that the words
    tumbling forth from their forked tongues are simply a devious combo of smoke,
    mirrors, and sweet pandering nothings that smoothly caress the genitalia of
    their base constituencies, thus lulling them deeper into a bullshit-induced
    trance, right? Most blame television for forcing politicians to compress complicated
    issues into easy to digest bites. TV conditioned people to want
    their news spoon-fed – meaning whoever screams the loudest with the most glib
    sound bite generally is regarded as the prophet of truth. This applies even when the person screaming the loudest is the crazy fucker having a dance
    party in his underwear in front of Block E.

    But the honest truth is that the blame for the sorry state
    of affairs that is the American political system falls squarely on the eagerly
    nodding culture whores known as American citizens. It’s us. We’re the reason Jeremiah
    Wright’s sermons make such effective weapons in a campaign. It’s our fault John
    McCain feels justified in using the deaths of 13 Minnesotans to make an
    unrelated point about earmarks. And it’s my own damn fault I’m wondering why Al Franken
    couldn’t find a nice Jewish uncle to keep his books. We’ve become a
    society of listless zombies who claim to be too busy to understand the issues
    at hand, but also refuse to devote any of that precious time to information
    that may contradict opinions or worldviews developed by listening to the chorus of malformed mewling
    creatures     polluting the public dialogue.

    Make no mistake, it is pollution. Yes, Rev. Jeremiah Wright
    said "God damn America."
    In fact, he danced on the altar while a chorus of seraphim drifted down from
    the heavens to sing those very words in a bawdy sea chanty written by the
    Archangel Gabriel himself. It doesn’t matter all that much though, since Wright isn’t
    running for president. Plus, it’s highly unlikely that, should Sen. Obama be
    elected the next president, he’ll take punitive steps against white America.
    Steps like outlawing rugby, New Balance sneakers, Volvos, Joe Mauer and his thrice-damned sideburns or any of the other ridiculous crap we fetishize. But because we’ve spent the
    last two months with politicians and pundits alike regurgitating bile and
    chunky bits of flag-waving rhetoric, Sen. McCain’s health care proposal hasn’t
    gotten the coverage, or scrutiny, it deserves. The lack of details in Sen.
    Obama’s plan hasn’t exactly been called out as a particular failing either. And
    because we’ve been too busy obsessing over what appears to be an innocuous
    accounting mistake on Al Franken’s part, no one has taken the time to marvel at
    the profound stupidity of Hillary Clinton staging
    a press event at a gas station     to demonstrate just how in touch with the
    plight of the common man she truly is while advocating for a gas tax
    holiday     that would save the average American about $30 over three months.

    A well-informed populace is vital to the operation of a
    democracy, according to our slave-owning, and banging, founding father Thomas
    Jefferson. And sad to say, we’re not well-informed. We’re well-indoctrinated. So we debate over whether Obama is,
    in fact, an Islamo-fascist for not wearing a flag lapel pin. We fight over whether McCain’s
    "senior moments" are the result of campaign trail exhaustion or a sign that
    he’ll be in Depends
    before his second term. And we shiver in fear as we wonder whether Hillary Clinton is a creature risen from the
    grave by sheer force of will, determined to win the presidency in order to
    secure access to the delicious babies necessary to sustain her unholy semblance
    of life. And all of that pointless noise pollution goes a long way toward explaining why, in the midst of this
    interminable, abominable election season, our status as one of the greatest and most influential superpowers
    this world has ever known can now be summarized in just under two minutes by Grand Theft Auto IV’s Serbian protagonist –
    Nico Bellic.

  • When Timmy Met Margie

    Today’s launch of the new Republican "issue ad" blaming
    DFLers for Minnesotans being asked to sacrifice manhood and innocence alike
    whilst pumping merrily away at the gas station is just the latest chapter in a
    textbook Nora Ephron romance. You see, it always starts with the title
    characters loathing one another. And you’d be hard pressed to find more
    animosity and revulsion than early in the legislative session. Much like Harry
    and Sally, our own Tim Pawlenty and the state legislature started off on the
    wrong foot, with the DFL-controlled legislature, after maintaining a certain
    amount of calm and decorum, offending the state’s top executive by raising the
    gas tax a whopping 42 percent.

    As any fan of the rom com genre knows, once the ire is
    raised, wacky misunderstandings and miscommunications must then ensue. And what
    better place for miscommunication and bafflingly wacky hijinx to occur than
    over the state’s budget? When the governor first sent over a proposed bill last
    Monday, including $125 million in
    unspecified budget cuts    , Democrats were quick to point out that they were
    completely baffled as to how they could approve a budget with so little detail.
    Why, they would sooner watch Rep. Margaret Kelliher and Sen. Tom "Sex Hog"
    Saxhaug engage in hot oil
    wrestling     on the Capitol Steps before they would sign such a patently
    confusing document! Of course, last Friday, these same stalwart legislators
    provided Pawlenty with an inscrutable proposal outlining $204 million in cuts –
    when there’s a $935 million deficit.

    Of course, this tete-a-tete provided an opportunity for Rep.
    Tony Sertich to cross the threshold into the next stage of our most improbable
    film – the off-putting infatuation, in which our romantic leads find themselves
    inexplicably drawn to one another, as Rep. Sertich seemed to be after the DFL
    budget offer was rebuffed by the Pawlenty administration. Rep.
    Sertich said, with a tinge of longing in his voice    , "If we keep working in
    this way of finding places where we agree instead of focusing on the areas we
    disagree I think we can build a solution." And as he walked away from the
    microphone, he let out a deeply flustered sigh, shaking his head as if to say
    to himself, "No! I can’t possibly like THAT."

    What’s next remains to be seen, of course. If the formula
    holds true, there will be heated late-night budget sessions, replete with
    frenzied arguments and impassioned debate. When suddenly, upon reaching a
    breaking point, the dams will burst and Rep. Kelliher will find herself wrapped
    in the governor’s sinewy, hockey-toned arms, making use of public
    infrastructure in ways never approved by
    a house ethics committee     whilst the rest of the caucus listens at the door
    with self-congratulatory grins plastered upon their reddening faces.

    And in that one all-too-brief moment of bliss, when
    common ground is found in the sweaty convergence of Republican and DFL, is when
    the healthcare access fund will finally be safe, the Central Corridor funding
    will be restored, the legislature will come to its senses and realize just how
    much it’s truly asking for in a year the state can ill-afford most of it. And,
    if we’re truly blessed, Michelle Bachmann will have her own deli scene whilst
    lunching with Al Franken.

  • Ashwin Madia – the Man, the Myth, the One Democrat Who Won’t Call Michelle Bachmann Bat-Shit Crazy

    If the ongoing
    national embarrassment that is the Democratic primary hasn’t yet caused you to gouge
    out your eyes     with a rusty spork, you may have noticed that the local political
    campaign season is in full swing. And because this year’s campaigns are already
    shaping up to be nearly as contentious as the debate over whether the spawn of Billy Ray is
    just penance for the Western World’s sins, or if her popularity is simply a
    sign of the end times, The Defenestrator has been tasked with ferreting out the
    secrets of this year’s crop of candidates for local and national office.

    Why have we been
    saddled with this thankless task? Because the staff of The Rake wants nothing
    but the best for its readers, except Ann Bauer, of course. That
    lush wants nothing more than to get you loaded and avail herself of your firm and
    nubile body. But in these times of rapid-fire political rhetoric and
    skyrocketing consumer prices, knowing is half the battle. Yo, Joe!

    In any case, the
    first in our series of candidate interviews takes us to scenic Congressional
    District 3, encompassing most of the Twin Cities’ western suburbs. Ashwin Madia
    recently took home the DFL endorsement in the race to replace longtime GOP
    stalwart, Jim Ramstad, in the House of Representatives. Madia, having never
    held office anywhere but in the University of Minnesota’s Minnesota Student
    Association     – where once upon a time Homer Simpson
    managed to make a serious run at the presidency    , was not expected to make a
    strong showing, let alone beat the presumptive nominee, Teri Bonoff.

    But he did beat her.
    He beat her like a bad bad donkey, in fact. And now he’s all but certain to move on to the general
    election against GOP candidate Erik Paulsen. We caught Madia in the midst of a
    fundraising frenzy just after the nominating convention and he was gracious
    enough to to give us an interview, a few talking points, and at least a little
    insight into why anyone might want to vote for someone insane enough to
    put a lucrative law practice on hold after returning from a war zone so he can
    take a shot at gaining membership to the DMZ otherwise known as the United
    States House of Representatives.

    Defenestrator: So,
    how’s the fundraising coming?

    Madia: We set a state record for an unknown candidate. We
    raised 161k in two months last year. In Q1 of this year we raised 196k. To be
    able to raise that kind of money, it shows that we’ve got a good message. It’s
    resonating.

    D: What made you
    decide to run for U.S. Congress, rather than trying for the state legislature
    or other local office first?

    M: Because I care about these issues, the Iraq War – I want
    to find a way to end it. I care about global warming. I care about civil
    liberties. Those are federal issues. Some people think there’s a path you have
    to take, city council, local government. We’ve all got something to contribute.
    I don’t think you have to be a politician already to contribute to our
    discussion. We all have a voice in this.

    I thought this was an opportunity to serve our community and
    instead of complaining all the time about where our country was going, I
    figured it would be more productive for me to step forward and actually try to
    do something about it.

    D: When did you get the idea? Did Iraq drive you so
    insane that you had to come up with ways to torment yourself when you got back
    home?

    M: I pretty much started to think about it when Jim Ramstaad
    retired. I wasn’t really thinking about it in Iraq.

    D: Apart from
    scamming on babes in
    burqas    , what were you doing in Iraq?

    M: I was creating a strategic system to establish rule of
    law in Iraq. It involved coordinating with the State Department, Justice
    Department, UN, European Union and Iraqi judges to develop a strategic plan to
    establish rule of law in Iraq. It was a lot of phone calls, a lot of meetings,
    a lot of supervision. A lot of meetings with different interest groups and
    brokering compromises to come up with plans everyone could agree on.

    For example, I went down to meet with the British in Basra
    and the British foreign service to find out what plans and strategies they were
    implementing to strengthen the Iraqi legal system and take that back to Baghdad
    to fit that in strategically with what we were trying to do throughout the
    county. We would get assessments of the status of rule of law programs around
    the country and go brief the generals that were leading the multinational
    forces on what was going on and the way ahead.

    D: Why’d you join the
    Marines?

    M: It was a good way to serve and I really wanted a
    challenge. Whether you’re a grunt or a pilot, you do the same training and I
    wanted to see if I could do it. I really enjoyed the challenge.

    D: The DFL tried to
    position you as a former Republican intent on undermining the party from within
    by encouraging SUV use and alienating the party’s base from the wisdom of Al
    Gore. Republicans are trying to position you as a hedonistic Communist, bent on
    legalizing drugs and using tax dollars to help Eliot Spitzer open a brothel.
    Who’s right?

    M: I don’t think either one of them is right. What I am is
    an independent voice for MN. It’s true that most of my principles line up on
    the democratic side now. But 10 years ago Republicans wanted to amend the
    constitution to balance the budget. They obviously don’t now. I think the
    labels have gotten so mixed up that I prefer to go issue by issue and say where
    I stand. In the end I’m a fiscally responsible and socially moderate democrat.

    D: So why not go the
    same direction but stay Republican?

    M: I don’t know. It seems like a lot of that party has
    adopted the philosophy of spending all that they want, cutting taxes at the
    same time and borrowing from China to make up the difference.

    D: You mean you don’t
    want to give the Chinese the opportunity to finally take their revenge on the
    white man for hooking them on Opium?

    M: No comment on that one.

    D: Coming out of a
    particularly vicious cat fight with the wily, but oh so short Terri Bonoff, How
    do you feel about parties having presumptive nominees? What’s it mean for the
    political process?

    M: Terri was a fantastic candidate. She ran a very spirited,
    very classy race and I’ve got a lot of respect for her. I think what this
    election shows is that even today if you’ve got a strong message, you can trump
    money and endorsements and name recognition and all the other things
    politicians use to win elections.

    D: Do you see this as
    a sea change?

    M: I think this is an election where people are much more
    willing to consider candidates who are from outside the political mainstream
    and just love our country. They’re willing to consider values and authenticity
    over traditional political experience.

    D: What do you think
    has changed to allow that? Why are people looking for that change    ?

    M: Because the country is in the shape that it is. Because
    they think the country is on the wrong track and they want someone who’s going
    to get it back on track and in the right shape again.

    D: People seem to think
    the country might function better if Washington nuked itself and became a
    post-apocalyptic wasteland populated only by the mutant spawn of Newt Gingrich
    and Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Any thoughts on how you’ll change that perception?

    M: In my mind, good policy is good politics. What that means
    is that Washington needs to start delivering. We need to end the Iraq War. We
    need to balance the budget and we need to get our economy back on track. We
    need to address global warming. If we start delivering on actual results for
    the American people, then I think they’ll start to have more faith in
    government.

    D: How do you think
    you can make that change? And don’t give me any of that one man can make a
    difference crap. I mean, sure, Keanu Reeves was kinda cool as "The One" in the
    first Matrix movie, but the only thing worth watching in the sequels was Monica
    Belucci    .

    M: By working my tail off. I think there are a lot of people
    throughout the country who feel the same way I do – That we need a new kind of
    leadership in Washington. I think, and I hope, that we’ll see a new kind of
    politics in the coming years.

    D: Iraq – get the
    hell out? Stay the course? And
    now for something completely     different?

    M: I think we’ve
    created a very tough situation over there. It’s hard to leave and it’s hard to
    stay. So what I favor is a gradual withdrawal. Phased out over about two years.
    With a limited number of forces left behind to protect our diplomatic presence,
    to target high ranking members of Al-Qaeda and to prevent genocide if we start
    to see it on massive levels.

    D:
    How would that withdrawal occur? Benchmarks? A phased drawdown?

    M:
    A phased drawdown over about two years, with a force left in Iraq to protect
    our diplomatic interests, target high ranking members of Al Queda, and prevent
    genocide in conjunction with other nations. Ultimately, it’s up to the Iraqis
    to reach a political solution. We can play a role in helping with security in
    the interim, but a lasting peace has to be an Iraqi peace.

    D:
    And what happens if Muqtada Al-Sadr takes over Basra and, being too impatient
    to wait for the afterlife, holds nightly 72 virgin parties in the streets with
    the Iraqi army powerless to stop him?

    M:
    Hopefully, by drawing down gradually, and by leaving some forces in Iraq for
    the missions discussed above, we can decrease the possibility of chaos in
    Iraq. But ultimately, it’s true that Iraqis themselves hold the power for
    their own destinies.

    D:
    Apart from the ability to kill a man 6 different ways, courtesy of the USMC,
    what are you bringing to CD3?

    M:
    I’m fiscally disciplined, socially tolerant, independent-minded Democrat.
    I am a Democrat, but my biggest focus is on finding answers to the big
    challenges facing our country, not party affiliation. I think that makes me
    similar to most voters in the 3rd District.

    D:
    Most people think politics is about nothing more than money. Now that you’re in
    full-on fundraising mode, what do you say to that?

    M:
    There are many good, honest, and decent people who are kept out of public
    service because of money. When I got into this race last October, I made
    a commitment that I wouldn’t be one of them. So my team and I have worked
    very hard to raise what we need to get our message out. Having said that, real
    campaign finance reform is long overdue because the fundraising demands on
    candidates are really out of control.

    D:
    How would you contrast yourself with Erik Paulsen?

    M:
    I’m an independent-minded and pragmatic problem-solver who is more committed to
    getting our great nation back on track than advancing a political
    ideology. I come from outside the political system and I’m not an insider
    – I think that will be an asset as I seek to bring real change to Washington.

    D:
    If anything, the state legislature has become even more contentious than the
    Federal, with DFLer and GOP alike focused more on sticking it to the other
    party than on conducting business in the people’s interest. Do you think this
    is how politics is trending? Or are we just stupid enough to elect a room full
    of assholes?

    M:
    No, I think politics will start trending in the reverse direction. People
    are so hungry for something different and a new kind of politics that they’ve
    been reaching outside of traditional areas to find new kinds of leaders, who
    lead based on ideas, not insults. It’s true that sometimes politics gets
    out of control in terms of the nastiness involved, but I think those are the
    exceptions, and for the most part, people are voting for good leaders committed
    to change.

    D:
    How do you feel about party unity? Does being a member of a political party
    give you a responsibility to that party, or are you ultimately responsible
    elsewhere, as Ron Erhardt has mentioned on numerous occasions after he was
    buggered by his own party.

    M:
    Party unity is important and as Democrats we’ve been at our best throughout
    history when we’ve come together to tackle the big challenges facing our
    country- leading our nation through the Great Depression and fighting to bring
    long overdue civil rights for all to our nation, for instance. But at the end
    of the day, I think a legislator’s biggest responsibility is to his or her
    constituents, not a political party.

    D:
    You’ve mentioned George Bush is the reason you switched parties in 2003. But
    I’ve seen chimps on Discovery Channel do a better job of portraying
    conservative values than him. What makes you a Democrat? Why not a Libertarian,
    apart from that whole actually "wanting to win" thing?

    M:
    I’m more concerned about getting things done for our country than what label
    people put on me. I want to responsibly end the Iraq War, balance our
    budget, address global warming, make health care more accessible and
    affordable, and stand up for civil liberties in our country. I want
    government to work efficiently and effectively, without taking a dime more in
    taxes than it needs while still ensuring the Federal government runs properly,
    and I also don’t think government has a role in pushing its social values on
    citizens. It’s my belief that my values and positions are shared by more
    Democrats than Republicans, though if there are Republicans out there who
    believe in some of the same things, then I want to work with them to get good
    bipartisan legislation on each of these topics.

    D:
    What about the pending Senate race? Franken vs. Coleman — other than the fact
    that this race feels like it should be run in New York, what’s your take on
    what’s shaping up to be a particularly vicious contest?

    M:
    I think Al is a great candidate, as is the other candidate running for the
    Democratic endorsement, Jack Nelson-Pallmeyer. Either one will make for
    an exceptional US Senator.

    D:
    Before you started running for office, you know – back when you had a life,
    what’d you do with your spare time? Defending our fair city from the undead
    predations of Cindy Brucato, perhaps?

    M:
    You’re right that when you’re running for office, you really don’t have time
    for too much else – it takes over your life. Before I got into this, I
    liked playing pick up basketball, watching old movies, and going out for dinner
    with good friends – typical stuff. My friends stopped taking my calls a
    few months ago (I think they think I’m calling to ask them for contributions),
    so I’m looking forward to spending some time with them after the campaign.

    D:
    Michele Bachmann – direct connection to God or just bat-shit crazy?

    M:
    Now, now – be nice. I disagree with a lot of what she stands for, and I
    think she’s out of step with most Minnesotans on a variety of issues. I
    think she’s in for a tough reelection race.

  • Minnesota's Own Nero

    Oil is hovering around $115 a barrel, the lowest price of
    gas in the Twin Cities is $3.18, foreclosures are still a-rising, and yet, in her latest column,
    the Star Tribune’s Katherine Kersten
    believes all we need to weather the storm of inflation, diminished access to
    credit, and skyrocketing healthcare costs is a shit-eating grin and a positive attitude.
    Allow me to add a hefty supply of recreational pharmaceuticals to the list,
    because these days I’d love to have some of whatever Kersten is smoking. A few
    wise British men once said, "Life’s
    a piece of shit, when you look at it,"     and that certainly applies in the
    current economic climate.

    Kersten’s premise seems to be that we can take notes from
    our parents and grandparents – those stalwart souls who grew up during the
    Great Depression and maintained a positive attitude despite the slings and
    arrows of daily life. And why yes, she’s right – life would be far more
    craptastic if we were faced with a worldwide economic disaster compounded by a
    severe drought shortly after a global conflict that caused the deaths of more
    than 20 million people. However, what Ms. Kersten failed to mention in what was
    likely supposed to be a feel-good piece meant to evoke images of fluffy bunnies
    and ponies prancing through verdant fields before she vomits forth more Powerline
    talking points    , is that those bunnies and ponies are taking turns crapping
    all over the bank accounts of the average Star Tribune reader.

    You see, while no, we aren’t staring at a nigh-complete
    collapse of financial markets at home and abroad, we are looking at what is
    potentially the beginning of a long, slow, inexorable slide into poverty for
    the middle class. The last thirty years have seen a gradual widening of the gap
    between middle and upper class workers, of course, with C-level pay packages
    growing more and more whacked out every year. In addition to his $10 million
    pay package, CEO George Buckley has a harem of gold-painted succubi
    at his beck and call. NWA CEO Doug Steenland’s stock options are worth
    millions, but the value of the midgets who function as his office furniture is
    incalculable.

    The most egregious omission, however, the one that makes me
    believe the chemicals in Kersten’s home perm
    have seeped into her brainpan and taken up residence, thus blocking rational
    thought altogether, is her complete and utter obliviousness to the fact that
    many people in the state, and even the country, believe that life will actually
    be worse for their children than it was for them. And there’s no improvement in
    sight. The developing world is demanding resources, driving up prices for all,
    and that same developing world is placing increasing pressure on wages by
    competing for jobs and businesses that happily obey the cow god in
    return for reduced costs and delicious curries.

    This is a dramatic reversal from the norm in this country,
    where the wealth of one generation is traditionally built on by the next. And
    they’re feeling pessimistic for good reason – the middle and lower classes have
    been largely left out of the economic boom of the last decade. Real income has
    been largely stagnant due to rising healthcare, food and energy costs, and the
    heightened lifestyle of many middle-class Americans was funded by credit –
    which has dried up in the face of falling real estate prices. For the first
    time in nearly 80 years, the country’s middle class is shrinking and the best
    advice Kersten can muster is to act like Stepford wives? I suppose it makes
    perfect sense to grin and bear it when we’re already getting thoroughly
    buggered by the folks who’ve reaped the rewards of the massive economic
    expansion of recent years whilst we hear how great life is in these United States.

    What’s truly galling is the patronizing attitude. While it’s
    obvious things could be worse – N’Sync has not yet reunited,
    after all – we’re coming off an economic boom that actually set the stage for
    the recession by encouraging a middle class that hasn’t seen any real
    improvement to their lot in life in nearly 20 years to heavily leverage the one
    asset that could provide ready amounts of cash, their homes. Now that bill is
    coming due and we’re supposed to chuckle turn those lemons into
    lemonade    ? I’d say no one is stupid enough to take that approach, but the comments on Kersten’s blog
    belie that.

    So there are really two options at hand. One could get angry
    that the number of children in Minnesota
    below the poverty line has increased by 30 percent since 2000. Or get downright
    pissed off that your paltry 2.5 percent pay increase is dwarfed by the average
    3 percent increase in healthcare costs, not to mention the nigh 50 percent
    increase in energy prices in the last few years. Or, like Ms. Kersten and her screaming
    hordes, you can lay down and take it, shouting "thank you sir, may I have
    another!?" all the while. Though how she manages to enunciate through the ball
    gag    , I’ll never quite figure out.