In the wake of the Great
War there was Dick Tuck, and Dick Tuck begat Donald Segretti, and
Donald Segretti begat Karl Rove. Karl Rove’s further begetting remains
undisclosed.
Dirty
tricks come to politics when politics become seriously political.
Before Richard Nixon spends those Watergate dollars burgling Democrats’
offices and spying on their psychiatrists, Nixon himself is dogged by
campaign mysteries and malfunctions of suspiciously organized origin.
Nixon’s hound is Democratic political operator Dick Tuck (his real
name; you can look it up).
Tuck
begins his career with Helen Gahagan Douglas, Nixon’s 1950 opponent for
US Senate; later he squires for presidential crusades of Adlai
Stevenson, Jack Kennedy and Bobby Kennedy. In each campaign, his best
remembered assignment is to make Richard Nixon look foolish. Sometimes
this is not a difficult task. After Nixon’s first 1960 TV debate with
John Kennedy, legend portrays Tuck hiring an elderly woman, who wears a
large Nixon button, to greet Nixon as he exits a plane, plant a kiss on
his cheek, and gush, "That’s all right, Mr. Nixon. He beat you last
night, but you’ll win next time." In 1968, the lore continues, Tuck
hires visibly pregnant women to carry signs with the Nixon campaign
slogan, "Nixon’s the One," at Nixon rallies. And so on.
Tuck’s
peculiar pleasure is Nixon’s agony. Tuck is preoccupied with Nixon,
but Nixon is obsessed with Dick Tuck. The emotional open window
exposes Nixon’s paranoid and vengeful soul. Hunter S Thompson, a
darker, less balanced Nixon antagonist, later opines, "Nixon was so
aggressively evil that he almost glowed at night. His political
instincts were so dangerous that he made the politics of total
opposition a very honourable trade for two generations of the best
people in America." Whatever. Nixon decides to hire his own Dick Tuck.
From
Nixon’s Committee to Re-Elect the President (CREEP) in 1972, a friend
offers Donald Segretti the job. Barely out of Vietnam and the JAG
Corps, a young and impressionable Segretti stalks Democrats in "black
advance." His object is to sow dissension among Democratic campaigns.
Dragnetted in the larger Watergate scandal, Segretti’s labors earn four
and a half months prison time, on misdemeanor charges of dispensing
false campaign literature ("campaign literature without proper
attribution," he recalls), and a two-year suspension of his California
law license. At trial, Democratic prosecutors flaunt a faked letter, on
Democratic presidential candidate Ed Muskie’s stationery, alleging
fellow Democratic candidate Henry "Scoop" Jackson had an illegitimate
child with a 17-year-old.
Karl
Rove comes to CREEP after dropping out of school to become College
Republican National Committee executive director. Rove labors for
Segretti on the 1972 campaign. 28 years later and in full control of
Sauron’s scepter, "Bush’s Brain" finds his old boss on the opposite
side. Segretti is John McCain’s 2000 Orange County campaign chair.
Beyond irony, a South Carolina push poll of mysterious origin ravages
McCain: "Would you be more likely or less likely to vote for John
McCain for president if you knew he had fathered an illegitimate black
child?" The beat goes on.
April 2008, BBC News reports: A helium filled giant pig, born one of Pink Floyd’s Animals
and now a metaphorical billboard for Roger Waters’ political agenda,
floats high over the crowd at the Coachella Valley Music & Arts
Festival in Coachella (where else?), California. Its belly paint spells
"Obama"; adjacent is a checked box (see approx 3:30 here). The BBC newsreader pauses, then muses whether thousands of stoner
Floyd fans will vote for Obama per instructions from a flying pig.
Later
reports say The Pig "broke free from its tethers" and "drifted away."
After two days, residents of La Quinta, a country club community
fingered by conspicuous consumption rag the Robb Report as "the
nation’s leading golf destination," wake to find the Capitalist Pig in
pieces — "like pulled pork" says one of the finders — on their
manicured lawns (no, I’m not making this up). Still later, CNN reports
"organizers" had cut The Pig’s mooring cables. This assertion is
unconfirmed. Chris Willman of Hollywood Insider is thinking
black advance. "Is it possible the shredded pig was blown out of the
sky by a Clinton or McCain supporter with a rocket launcher?" asks
Willman.
Home in Corona
del Mar, two hours from Coachella, Donald Segretti denies knowledge of
The Pig’s abduction and apparent assassination. He’s been out of the
black advance business a long time. Segretti is forthright and more
than contrite about the Nixon campaign work. He decries the South
Carolina tactics in 2000 and those between Obama and Clinton campaigns
in 2008. Why do it? "The job is to get candidates elected," he says
quietly, "There is no second place." He avers his 2000 campaign work
for McCain followed the credo "no negative campaigning". "You learn a
lot as you go along in life." Out of politics, he allows he "wouldn’t
be unhappy" with an Obama presidency, provided the product is as
advertised.
Dick
Tuck is unrepentant at age 85. He won’t confirm or deny legends about
pregnant women. Tuck has published a political newsletter for over 30
years. He called it The Reliable Source until The Washington Post appropriated that moniker. "Don’t even think about suing someone who buys ink by the barrel, " Tuck growls. Still a fouille-merde, he renamed his letter WashPostIt. Tuck has also set up DickTuck.com, but to date the site is pretty bare.
He says, if it’s worth his while to come, he’ll reserve a men’s room
stall at the Minneapolis-St Paul airport main terminal for the
Republican National Convention, but expects "a long line". He dismisses George W Bush as inconsistent: "He lied to get us into war; why not lie to get us out?" Tuck disavows personal knowledge of Coachella events, but claims, "If it had been twenty years ago, they would have blamed me."
Dead
since 1994, former President Richard Nixon could not be reached for
comment on The Pig’s demise. Campaign finance reports indicate daughter
Julie Nixon Eisenhower has maxed out on primary election contributions
to the Obama campaign.
It’s unclear whether these events are related.