Caleb McEwen is fast on his feet, but we suspect the artistic director of the Brave New Workshop has been running himself ragged as of late. Not only has he been directing plenty of comedy revues, but he and his wife Katy (the workshop’s assistant artistic director) welcomed a bundle of joy into the world last August. Nevertheless, McEwen remains as quick-witted as ever—so much so that we grew nostalgic for his legendarily funny improv performances. (When, oh, when will he appear onstage again?) In fact, McEwen was unfazed when asked to compose a list of necessities for a hypothetical sojourn on a desert isle. “Strangely, I may be one of the few people you’ll ever meet who has actually been stranded on a desert island,” he said. Was this just another of his improvisations? It’s hard to say, although McEwen did note that his experience made our little game, for him, “less hypothetical and more practical.” Here are the no-nonsense items he’d take along:
1) Von Neumann’s theoretical “Universal Constructor.” This machine is capable of powering and replicating itself, given the proper raw materials. Mine would be made out of the theoretical stuff from other people’s theoretical duffel bags, as these things would be littering the theoretical island—things like Joni Mitchell albums, Sopranos DVDs, and supermodel Gisele Bündchen. I would simply initiate Task No. 1: Start Universal Constructor Sequence. Then I’d relax as my machine begat one duplicate, then four, and so on until they formed a bridge to the mainland. I would then immediately initiate Task No. 2: Stop Exponentially Increasing Universal Constructor Horde from Devouring Earth.
2) Flava Flav. If derivative fiction has taught me one thing, it’s that uninhabited islands are rarely uninhabited. Eventually, someone is going to show up. When they do, I want to make the proper impression. Thus, I would bring along the greatest hype man of all time to properly introduce me. Flava Flav’s energetic and skillful announcement of my presence would prevent an unwelcome bum rush. Also, Flav is one of the few people who could properly appreciate my Universal Constructor.
3) Weapons-grade plutonium. When you’re in possession of some plutonium-239, someone will find you. To alert the world to my ownership, I would post a bulletin on MySpace.
4) A panda. They have to be endangered for a reason. I’m betting it’s because they’re delicious.
5) A recording of that sound Aquaman uses to control fish on Super Friends. I believe this is self-explanatory. How is Carnival Cruise Lines going to react when Flava Flav, an irradiated panda, and I roll up—Ben Hur-style—atop a flotilla of angry tuna?
Caleb McEwen directs Christmas: The Other White Holiday, which runs through January 27 at the Brave New Workshop Comedy Theatre, 2605 Hennepin Ave. S., Minneapolis; 612-332-6620; www.bravenewworkshop.org
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