Category: Article

  • The Drinking Man’s Guide to Light Rail

    So you’re as excited as anyone about the new light-rail line—it’s a real step toward sustainable development in the Twin Cities. Your only complaint is that there is not ample parking at the stations for your Toyota hybrid. Also, the rules prohibit consumption of your daily dose of wheatgrass juice on the train. But dig deeper. Admit it: Isn’t there a part of you that thrills at the prospect of going out for a night of adult beverages without worries about driving, as if you were in a “real” city like New York or Chicago?

    Aside from the many salubrious joints at the northern end of the line (downtown), farther south there are lots of quirky neighborhood joints within stumbling distance of our delightful new rail stations. The drinking railroader is wise to double-check the schedule, to avoid getting stranded during the late-night hours, when trains go from scarce (after 10 p.m.) to non-existent (between 2 and 4 a.m.).


    Fort Snelling Station: Fort Snelling Club

    Fort Snelling Building 89; 612-725-2272
    Open until 1 a.m. Friday and Saturday.
    Five-minute walk south and east of station.

    Once a club for employees only, it has been
    open to the public for the last decade. It’s administered by the V.A., but its ambience is
    Holiday Inn lounge circa 1985, accented by white Christmas lights.
    Bonus: No sales tax on food or drink
    Downside: Crimes committed on federal property become felonies, so mind your Ps and Qs!
    What’s on the walls: Rural sunset paintings
    Pull-tab charity: Disabled American Veterans
    Music: Joe Walsh-into-Weezer jukebox,
    at surprisingly high volume
    Smoke level: Fleece-permeating

    46th Street Station: Sunrise Inn
    4563 34th Avenue South; 612-721-3137
    Open from 10 a.m. to 2 a.m. Three-minute walk west of station.
    To be clear, the Sunrise Inn is not a motel and it does not open at sunrise. It is a 3.2 bar/restaurant that has been around since 1937, one that still retains its original iceboxes and bar, and a vintage Peter Max 7-Up sign, complete with psychedelic rainbows and flowers. Food and bottles of aspirin can be purchased at the bar.

    Bonus: $1.75 beers
    Downside: Drinks purchased after midnight are assessed a twenty-five-cent fee to pay for the extra licensing cost of staying open until 2 a.m.
    What’s on the walls: Photo of Kevin McHale scoring for the Celtics; a sign cautioning “No public phone, don’t even ask!”
    Pull-tab charity: Roosevelt High School Boosters Club
    Music: None
    Smoke level: Tolerable with door open

    38th Street Station: Cardinal Bar
    2920 East 38th Street; 612-724-5837
    Open until 1 a.m. Next to station.
    After three decades, the Cardinal has a new, bright-red awning, a new patio, and a gravel parking lot that got sacrificed to the adjacent light rail station. These are just a few of the changes at this mullet-friendly Southside institution, which caters to softball players, pool shooters, dart throwers, and broomballers. The bar serves strong beer and wine, and the kitchen is open with a full menu until 11 p.m.

    Bonus: Meat raffle (Wednesdays at 6:30 p.m.)
    Downside: Restrooms—especially the women’s
    What’s on the walls: Outside sign proudly proclaiming, “We patty our burgers fresh daily”
    Pull-tab charity: MN/USA Wrestling Incorporated
    Music: The Guess Who
    Smoke level: Noticeable bluish haze

    Lake Street Station: The Schooner Tavern
    2901 27th Avenue South; 612-729-4365
    Open until 2 a.m. Eight-minute walk—two blocks west and one block north (next to Rainbow Foods)
    A no-frills, no-nonsense joint that has been serving up drinks since the end of Prohibition. Draft beers are $2.05 and are served in jars. There’s no kitchen, but frozen pizza and free popcorn are available. The entertainment includes two projection-screen TVs, karaoke on Tuesdays and Saturdays, and pool sharking throughout the day.

    Bonus: Bar doesn’t feel as tough as the neighborhood
    Downside: Booths in back look cute but are uncomfortable
    What’s on the walls: “Check cashing for bar patrons only” sign
    Pull-tab charity: Roosevelt High School Boosters
    Music: Hank Williams Jr. into Al Green into Cher
    Smoke level: Not horrible

    Cedar-Riverside Station: Palmers Bar
    500 Cedar Avenue South;
    612-333-7625. Open until 2 a.m.
    Five-minute walk west to Cedar Avenue, turn left.
    Palmers attracts a truly West Bank crowd:
    gray-haired hippies, body-pierced punk rockers, East Africans, college students, and general hard-luck cases.

    Bonus: Good beer selection on tap
    Downside: You may be hesitant to have “everybody know your name” here
    What’s on the walls: Faux fireplace with flickering electric lights
    Pull-tab charity: No pull tabs
    Music: Bowie’s Ziggy Stardust in its entirety
    Smoke level: What does it matter now?—Dan Gilchrist

  • The Cockroach of the Sea

    In a floating restaurant, with buoys hanging from the ceiling and the full complement of other nautical trappings, I ordered my first lobster. I was eight. Not a big seafood fan, I hemmed and hawed over the menu, which was crammed with clip-art renderings of comical sea creatures, until my Uncle John leaned over and said, “Go ahead and order a lobster, we’re celebrating!” Well, if we were celebrating, lobster must be like having cake for dinner, I thought. Sign me up! When the ridiculous red monsters were brought to the table, I watched as everyone dove in, cracking claws with gusto, melted butter dripping everywhere. All I could do was look at the giant bug on my plate. Someone eventually helped me crack it open and pull out some meat. As I sat chewing my little lump, my family looked to me expectantly, eyebrows raised, waiting for my precocious verdict. I said it was delicious. I lied.

    Suffering my way through most of it, I learned a fine lesson in peer pressure. Lobster is a delicacy! Lobster makes everyone happy! C’mon, everyone’s eating it! I thought lobster was rubbery, smelly, and had no flavor other than that of algae and butter. But clearly there was something wrong with me, because the mere mention of lobster caused adults to loll their heads and go “mmmmm,” evidently recalling cherished moments with their little red friends.

    The crustacean that has transported you is most likely Homarus americanus. Although this species is found anywhere from the Canadian Maritimes down through the Carolinas, it is widely known as Maine lobster, due in no small part to Maine publicists. European lobsters, Homarus gammarus, are basically the same as the American, just smaller.

    The American love affair with the lobster actually had a late start. Early settlers thought them too ugly to eat, and witnessed the Native Americans using them for field fertilizer and fish bait. The creatures were so plentiful that they could be plucked effortlessly from tide pools. They were considered “poverty food” and served to prisoners and indentured servants. In Massachusetts, servants were outraged and lobbied for a law that would limit their lobster meals to no more than three per week.

    Some stories credit John D. Rockefeller for the change in lobster’s social status. Legend tells of a wayward pot of lobster stew that was destined for the servant’s table and somehow made it to the master’s tray. He fell in love, and the dish became part of his regular menu. And what’s good for John D. is good for everybody! In truth, it was the canning industry in the late 1800s that popularized lobster, bringing packed tins of meat to all corners of the globe. World War II gave another boost to the industry as lobster answered the increasing demand for protein-rich foods. In the later boom years, per-capita consumption increased and lobstermen saw increasing profits, along with mounting competition. The lobster industry was one of the first to recognize the need for protective guidelines and limitations on fishing practices.

    Today, lobstering is a grueling, labor-intensive, and closely guarded profession. “Lobster gangs” along the East Coast, comprised of fishermen with particular skills or family ties, don’t necessarily maraud through the waters, but they do defend their territories. This not only ensures their communities’ livelihood, but helps prevent over-fishing of limited resources.

    While some have dubbed lobster the “cockroach of the sea” for its indiscriminate scavenging, lobstermen simply call their catch “bugs,” which is no coincidence, as a lobster’s nervous system is most like that of a grasshopper (lobsters and insects both hail from the arthropod phylum). This means that they don’t feel pain in the way that humans do, which is good because boiling them alive is simply the best way to cook them. As for the supposed “scream” emitted when they are plunged in boiling water—that’s the air escaping from their shells, which can produce a high-pitched whistle. You are not sadistic, you are just hungry. Once plopped in the pot, all lobsters turn red, no matter their original color, which is most often a mottled dark blue shade, but can be yellow, orange, purple, or even half-and-half.

    Once you buy a lobster, you can actually keep it around for a few days, provided it spends them in a cool moist environment. But do not put them in your bathtub thinking you are being nice—freshwater to a saltwater creature is like diesel in an unleaded car. And by all means, keep the rubber bands on the claws, not only for your own safety, but for the bug’s: Lobsters are quite territorial and can go cannibalistic in close quarters.

    The real question is: To bib or not to bib? When it comes to savoring lobster, it’s easy to find restaurants serving up sparkly, funky, elaborate dishes—but I’d strongly recommend sticking with the preparation that best highlights the essence of lobster. In other words, go for the bug-on-a-plate. However, you can leave the bib off, as shelling needn’t be a massacre. Simply twist off the claws and use a cracker to expose the meat. Next, separate the tail from the body and remove the tail flippers (don’t forget the meat there.) Use a fork to push the tail meat out in one piece. Discard the sick black veiny thing running down the middle. Separate the top body shell from the underside by pulling them apart. You’ll notice a green substance called tomalley. Some people think it’s a lord-lovin’ delicacy and spread it on toast. I think it’s water-toxins processed through a prehistoric liver, but you be the judge. Finally, crack the underside down the middle and gnaw on the legs. To do all this in public, pick a reputable fish-house like McCormick & Schmick’s or the Oceanaire Seafood Room—or a stellar steakhouse such as Manny’s—where you’ll be among kindred spirits.

    In my case, it took a simple New England-style clambake in college to bring me around. Amid the clams, the corn cobs, and the chowder, I snatched a morsel of white flesh that verily melted in my mouth. I couldn’t believe this was the same crusty animal that I had been shunning my whole life. While the mention of lobster still won’t put me into an ethereal trance, I do hold that first awakening bite close in memory. Since August is the perfect time for indulging summer food memories, place a lobster order with Coastal Seafoods, gather your friends, pop some beers, and toast one lovely bug.

  • Great Balls Of Fire

    Every year under the sunny skies of a June weekend, the Minnesota Street Rod Association stages its dazzling annual hot-rod show, “Back to the Fifties,” at the Minnesota State Fairgrounds. With the fifties receding further and further into history, however, it takes a greater effort with every passing year to heave yourself out of the recliner to get back to them. Fortunately, and not a moment too soon, the collapsible canvas chair with integrated beer-can holder and footrest has now reached such an advanced stage of development that today you can carry one of these around in a bag slung over your shoulder, open it up, and instantly recline just about anywhere. There must have been thirty thousand of these chairs at the fairgrounds this year, where the sudden, amazing convergence of ten thousand street-legal hot rods makes for a show second in size only to the Street Rod Nationals held each year in Louisville, Kentucky. At least two or three chairs were deployed around every car, many with their slings being put to the test by people who’ve porked up a little since 1959. Aside from the chairs, the other must-have accessory at the show was the foam-rubber beer cozy insulating the can of pop or beer in everybody’s mitts.

    Let’s take a second to think about what the term “hot rod” means.

    Okay. Now let’s go see some.

    All day long, and on into the dusk as the street lights flutter to life, an endless conga line of custom cars snakes and winds slowly through the fairgrounds, the streets and intersections lined three deep with people raucously cheering from their distended canvas pouches. The parade creeps and lurches along at about three miles per hour, engines snorting and growling. Whenever anybody yells “Let’s hear it!” or “Show us your tits!” a driver obliges by revving his engine loud enough to crack the pavement. At one halt in the proceedings, a pickup truck that with the press of a button can tilt up sidewise as though letting a fart, does just that, to the great amusement of the crowd.

    Not every rodder is a lout, however, nor were all the cars in the show traditional street rods. In fact, any car from the epoch of tail fins or earlier—that is, with a body manufactured before 1964—is eligible for display (this eliminates monster trucks, the imbecile spawn of wankers in windowless basements. It also excludes the new, elaborately tricked-out, million-dollar custom show and concept cars seen rotating like layer cakes on lazy Susans at auto shows.) Included are classic cars that have been restored with scrupulous concern for the authenticity of original details: stately old Packard Phaetons, vintage Oldsmobiles, Al Capone getaway cars, Chrysler Airstreams, Bugatti roadsters, vanished Cords and Tuckers, and all kinds of ancient trucks.

    The understated elegance of the restorations next to the screaming paint jobs of the bad-boy street rods gives you some idea of the range of aesthetic preoccupations exhibitors bring to the show. The vintage cars are more about motoring the countryside in style. A classic hot rod, meanwhile, is built to rip from zero to Mach 1 without stopping to take in the sights. To gulp enough air to cool things down, a hot rod has a louvered hood or no hood at all, and its immaculate, supercharged engine and chromed manifold pipes are all left exposed. Add in the bitchin’ paint-job—essentially the street rod’s “D.A.” (duck’s-ass haircut)—and you have the look that everyone’s after: It’s all about the strut and command of the street.

    Regal or raunchy, it makes no difference. The workmanship on the cars in the show is often exquisite. What draws me to hot-rod shows is not the noise or the chance to rub shoulders with a lot of yahoos, but the outrageously inventive, radical, and personal intensity of this world of design, where for more than fifty years ordinary people—auto mechanics, body-shop guys, electricians, engineers—have been scavenging junkyards for the raw material of creation. Detroit proposes, but Man disposes. The first church of the hot rod—a garage in the alley—is where people (mostly working-class guys, but also, in recent years, yuppie dilettantes) seize on the tools and rusting relics of industrial wage slavery for their own artistic purposes. Most of these guys don’t give a rat’s ass for what the art world calls art, but their cars—in their own way and on their own terms—are highly impassioned works of art, kinetic sculptures richly coded and layered with technical, functional, and aesthetic meaning, their every detail saturated with decision and significance to those familiar with the language of the tribe.

    The paint jobs hit you right between the eyes. The colors are lustrous and incredibly deep—pure retinal candy. You want to go over and lick them. No segment of the spectrum is left uninvestigated. A lot of the action is in the realm of rapidly vibrating yellows, from the canary of Yellow Cabs to the colors of egg-yolk, banana, flower pollen, and the yellow of crime-scene tape. Not much lemon, because who needs to drive a lemon? Then the reds: ripe-tomato red, fire-engine red, Mao Tse-Tung red, candy-apple red, on through a hundred shades of lipstick. Next are sweltering oranges and scalding, acid lime greens; lurid, grape-juice purples; nocturnal cobalts and deep midnight navy blues, often combined in two-tone restorations with elegant shades of cream. There are pale mints, soft pearlescent whites, and cars done in sinister flat black primer, and finally, there are pinks, ranging from the delicate pink of panties to a bubble-gum pink so nauseating it can bring up your lunch just to look at it. The pinks and fuchsias and magentas suggest the hidden hand of women, or of brave men indeed.

    Half the cars on the fairgrounds are painted to look like they’re on fire from the untamed ferocity of their engines. A custom flame job is like a tattoo; it announces that a meteorically sizzling street rod has just entered the atmosphere and is headed straight to hell, tearing through space with such blazing speed that its engine has burst into flames and the driver’s pants have caught fire. The hot-rod tribe has a whole iconography of fire, with different schools and styles concerning the shape of flickering tongues of flames. The classic flame job starts out molten white-hot at the nose of the car, the hissing airbrush then pushing the color from yellow through orange to red as the thing cools. But these are chemically uncertain times and there is much experimentation with toxic variations: sulfuric green flames slithering over metallic blue or orange bodies; or blue gas flames lapping at the skirts of a ’49 Merc painted that queasy pink. Flame is cool; it is to hot-rodders what camo is to survivalists. It seems to be plastered over everything sold at the show—shirts, pants, hats, bras, sneakers, codpieces, kiddies’ pajamas.

    Certain classics like the archetypal ’32 Ford three-window coupe, generally considered the mother of all hot rods, are often treated in a more formal manner, and modified in ways particularly respectful of tradition. The whole outlaw thing aside, strict conventions—orthodoxies—exist in the world of hot rods just as they do in the hidebound world of antiques. They hover over anything you might think to do, so if you happen to find the hulk of a ’32 Ford overgrown with weeds in some field, you don’t just have at it and trick it out any old way. You feel the weight of history. You do not mess with the look of that squared-off bustle at the back, and you keep the roof nice and flat even if you chop it, and you make sure the graceful outlines of the grill and fenders remain recognizable as those of the classic. If you’ve got a ’32 Ford coupe, the issue (for some, at least) isn’t so much one of asserting a defiant originality; it’s the discipline and knowledge you bring to your own rendition of a classic. It makes for a strange creative tension between conformity and invention, between restraint and that ol
    d desire to kick out the jams.

    There are competing creation myths, but one has it that the hot-rod culture began in southern California with men trained in the military returning from World War II. Racing on the dry flat lakebeds east of L.A., welders, motor-pool mechanics, electricians, pipefitters, and steel- and sheet-metal workers started looking for ways to reduce aerodynamic drag. They souped up engines for greater power and quicker acceleration, stripped down bodies and chopped the roofs to reduce weight, giving the dragster its raked profile: low in the front, high on the haunches powering it from the back. They got their cars from junkyards. Their approach was based on the indelible experience of the Depression: Throw nothing away, make do with what you’ve got. What you had after the war were old Fords from the twenties and early thirties. These became the chassis and bodies of the first dragsters, the ones built in the late forties through the fifties, the heyday of the art, before the hobby grew explosively and customizing cars got to be big business and decadence set in.

    Today, of course, there’s no reason to bust your knuckles, no need to get down and mine the ore, smelt the steel, hammer the thing out at the forge. You can just go out and buy a hot rod, just like you can buy yourself the look of hard-won experience: Drop a couple of hundred bucks on pre-torn jeans and a distressed leather jacket and you’re all set. “Back to the Fifties” has a street-rod auction, and cars are being bought and sold all over the fairgrounds throughout the run of the show; it’s as much a hot-rod marketplace as it is an exhibition.

    Not that there aren’t still plenty of restless and ingenious men building street rods from scratch in grubby garages behind the house, but now a lot of the cars at the show are built or worked on by professional speed shops. It’s the Age of Specialization; even if you’ve done the work on the body and engine yourself (and a lot of these guys still have the skill to do it in spades), most of the paint jobs are now farmed out to airbrush virtuosos, some of whose names are legend. (In 2002, Von Dutch, a renowned pinstriper of cars and motorcycles in the fifties, was given a posthumous retrospective at two university art galleries in California.)

    Next to the dented old jalopies the whole thing started with, the modern street rod is a deliriously baroque confection—a motorized Fabergé egg—but I have to admit, when I see a pack of them cruising low to the ground down University Avenue on a summer night, those tiny teal or purple lights under their chassis reflecting off the pavement, each one gliding on its own mysterious lagoon of light, they look pretty damned cool.

    Glenn Gordon is a writer, sculptor, and photographer.

  • Do It Yourself!

    Maybe they were emboldened by the frank talk of Dick Cheney. Or maybe they’re feeling a little overextended by their thrilling new store in Bloomington, which finally opened in mid-July. Maybe they just aren’t comfortable with their English yet. But Ikea, the upscale Swedish company that sells lots of unassembled Scandinavian furniture, has recently seemed a bit irritable.

    On bus shelters in Norway, Ikea has posted ads of supermodels wearing blank expressions and urbane duds. They look preoccupied with the complexities of the good life, lounging among their minimalist home furnishings. Then there is an uncivil invitation spray-painted beside the company’s yellow logo. It says, “Screw Yourself.”

    At first, I thought this graffiti must be the work of witty Norske vandals expressing their opposition to this corporate giant from the repugnant nation of Sweden. Upon closer inspection, I noticed that the job was perfectly uniform—as if it had been produced by the same computer that produced the rest of the poster. Oi! No jaded rocker did this. It was Ikea itself, apparently warning its customers of the perils of its wares.

    I rang up Ikea in Oslo to ask if they understood what their ad campaign meant to Anglophones. The customer service representative responded in perfect English. “We’ve had many complaints about that. What we meant was ‘build-it-yourself.’ I don’t think that the advertisers understood the other meaning when they made the posters.”

    My Norwegian friend Knut didn’t buy it. “Oh, they knew what they were doing. They wanted to appeal to a younger audience, so they used American slang.” Even so, this bizarre double—or triple—entendre is surprising in a country where most people speak nearly flawless English.

    Ikea’s line that it was a simple mistranslation also seemed suspicious, because the word skrue (screw) in Norwegian can mean “crazy old kook.” (Norwegians, for example, know Disney’s Uncle Scrooge as Onkel Skrue.) What kind of company would want to associate itself with that old pinchpenny?
    Perhaps the ad was meant to revive the friendly rivalry between Sweden and Norway. “See the yellow and blue? That’s very bad for Norway because it’s the Swedish colors!” joked Norwegian banker Arne Wahlstrøm, while pointing at the local Ikea store. “We don’t shop there,” he added. “It’s mostly for students and young people.”

    Although they are not backing off in Norway, it’s not likely that Ikea will bring this edgy campaign to the States. At least not before Häagen-Dazs rolls out its “Eat Me!” concept.
    —Eric Dregni

  • Keeping It Together

    In a sweet little house several miles south of mine, a girl named Esmé keeps a box on her dresser. In the box is a collection of necklaces—a painted chime ball, Thor’s hammer, a polished unity stone, and her favorite, a sterling angel. These are all trinkets I’ve given her over the years that I’ve been her primary class teacher. Next year, she’ll be going to a new school, which made us both cry as we said our good-byes and exchanged gifts and letters, celebrating the school year’s end. It was through Esmé’s parting letter to me, four pages carefully handwritten in dull pencil, that I learned how closely she guards those gifts. I’m moved by the way she keeps them enshrined in a special box, and even more so, I’m humbled that she does so, as she explained, to “protect your family.”

    To protect my family. Surely I’ll never put one of my children on an airplane, or send my daughters to baby-sit, or watch one of them fall uncontrollably in love, or walk out my own front door into a world of lost keys and slippery roads and dread diseases and real-estate bubbles without thinking of Esmé’s box.

    You bump into a lot of people in your life. Some of them are extraordinary in their goodness. There’s no way around it. I tend to think of these individuals—and I’m not among them—as old souls who’ve been by this way before. Many times before. They’ve acquired a certain wise patience for those of us who are still bumbling along in our selfishness and our spite. “You’ll grow out of it,” they seem to say, “sooner or later. And if you don’t, there’s always your next lifetime or the one after that.” It’s this very acceptance that makes the extra-good people stand out. They’re not like me, always in a hurry to improve themselves and everyone around them—a trait that’s a dead giveaway of the many remaining practice lives to come.

    My sister just had a baby, her first. A perfect little boy named Henry. He’s a few weeks old now, recovering nicely with his parents, who are frequently worried about his well-being. At first he did not poop, and so they called the doctor, who suggested putting a thermometer in his rectum to “dislodge” any remaining meconium. I think Henry overheard, because he immediately let loose, and has been doing so with gusto ever since. But it’s not always so easy.

    Two days after Henry was born, he and his mom and dad were hanging around nursing and napping in their “family-style” hospital room in the East Village when a nurse stepped in to announce that it was time for Henry’s bath. “Be back in a bit,” she said as she took Henry a few doors down the hall to the nursery. But she never came back. Instead, a different nurse rushed into the room to announce that there’d been an incident, and my sister and her husband needed to come right away. Henry, the first nurse said, had stopped breathing and turned blue during his bath. He needed to be admitted to ICU immediately. “He looked fine,” my sister told me later on the phone, defeat hanging heavy on the line, “but it turned out I didn’t have a choice.” So Henry was taken off to the ICU, three flights up, and my sister spent the next twenty-four hours going back and forth to nurse him, camping out in the ICU as much as they’d let her. In the small plastic bassinets around her she saw babies in pain, impossibly small babies, like featherless birds, bodies taut with the effort of screaming.

    My sister is thirty-eight. I’m thirty-six. When I’m thirty-eight, my oldest stepchild will be twenty. When I was twenty-two, I was married with a house and a baby and another soon to be on the way. Neither my sister nor I knew what we were getting into when we had the audacity to produce innocent, perfect new beings. Nobody knows, no matter how many times they do this foolhardy and brazen thing. If we knew we would simply have to change our minds, not because it’s so much work, and you never sleep again, and oh, the pain and the misery—not because of any of that, but because not a single one of us is big enough or strong enough to shield somebody else from the ravages of the world. No other inadequacy could ever be more painful than this one. And that, I believe, is why Esmé keeps my gifts in her box to protect my family, and why it will always make me cry to think of it: Because she is loving and wise enough to know that I could never be powerful enough to do all the protecting myself.

  • “I Love My Cub!”

    Somewhere in the middle of the nation’s heated debate about gay marriage, a new billboard popped up on one of my usual routes. The ad, for Cub Foods, features two women positioned in friendly proximity to each other and to a bag of groceries. The tag line says, “Real People. Real Values.”

    Wow, I thought. That may be the most progressive ad campaign I’ve ever seen. Good for Cub. Gay families are real families, whether the law acknowledges them or not, and everyone needs groceries. If you can’t make it to Massachusetts, walk down our aisles!

    It hadn’t occurred to me before that in the cutthroat grocery market, ten percent of the population might have gone unattended as a targetable marketing group. Trading in on the media frenzy over one of the nation’s hottest buttons, Cub had found a fresh approach to vying for the Rainbow shopper.

    A risky approach, no doubt, in a country that values its heteronormativity, and with an administration that insists on it. Could a campaign like this successfully lure the Queer Eye without offending those who are Touched by an Angel?

    On the other hand, wasn’t it a little crass to coast a marketing campaign on the back of a struggle for basic freedoms? You can’t get married but you can get tomatoes?
    Mostly, though, it seemed a brave nod of acceptance for what’s still billed as an “alternative lifestyle” instead of just family. Could this really be the case?

    Had anyone else seen this ad? And what did they think about it? I asked a group of friends, by email naturally, and this produced a trickle of disinterested responses. Apparently, no one else had noticed it.

    So I called Cub headquarters. “They’re supposed to be a mother and a daughter,” reported Chris Murphy, senior manager of public relations, after consulting with his staff. “Really? Because from the freeway, they look like lesbians,” I said. “It’s supposed to demonstrate the generations who have shopped at Cub,” Chris told me. But if that were true, shouldn’t they have included some little kids, some grandparents? “Well, I looked at it up close, and you can tell that one’s older than the other,” Chris said.

    But whizzing by on I-94, they definitely didn’t look to me like mother and daughter. One looked possibly Italian, a bit of a fireplug, vaguely like Rhea Perlman playing Carla Tortelli on Cheers; and the other looked like, well, her pleasant Midwestern and perhaps only slightly younger girlfriend. Even in stalled traffic they wouldn’t represent a May/December romance. At best, May/July.

    “Do you want to talk to anyone else at the company?” Chris politely asked me. No thanks, I told him. I had called hoping that “Real People, Real Values” meant what I thought it meant: that acceptance of life in its enormous variety should be our primary value, and that somebody besides the AIDS Walk organizers was finally brave enough to advertise it. But I pretty much figured even before I called that it probably didn’t. And the truth is, I live closer to Kowalski’s.
    —Shannon Olson

  • Par-Tee On

    On a sunny June afternoon, Mark Vogt and Azure Marlowe have been given the enviable job of replacing bowling pins on hole number three of the mini-golf course-cum-art exhibit installed for the summer at the Minneapolis Sculpture Garden. Hole three, titled Bolfing for Gowlers, is designed to look like a tiny bowling lane, and after two weeks of play and several saturating rainstorms, its wood is warped and several of its pins have been plucked like rotten teeth. And so, released from their usual gigs in Walker Art Center’s comparatively dim indoor galleries, the construction supervisor and lead tech for the mini-course have jacked up the hole and then balanced it on saw horses; Vogt is drilling screws in from underneath to replace the bowling pins that create one of the mini golf world’s most impossible approach shots. (The bowling pin placed directly in front of the hole seems to preclude any chance of scoring a hole in one, and the gutters on each side take most balls hopelessly, irretrievably out of play.) When asked if the pins have regularly been swiped as fond souvenirs, or ripped mightily off their screws by frustrated players, Vogt says, “I think it’s called ‘picking up a spare.’”

    The Walker seems to have bowled a strike with “Walker in the Rough,” located at the Sculpture Garden’s north end, between the Calders and the jutting arms of Mark di Suvero’s Molecule. Shortly after opening the ten-hole mini-golf course, the hours were extended to accommodate crowds that have sometimes waited up to three and a half hours to play. “I don’t think they had any idea it would be this popular,” says Marlowe.

    Indeed, on a Wednesday, when the course is officially closed, at least two dozen hopeful golfers have come to keep their elbows straight and swing through the ball, only to be disappointed by the locked-up shack that houses score cards and clubs.

    “Is there anywhere else to golf around here?” asked one woman, a tourist whose group finally went to their cars, retrieved their own clubs, and played a couple of holes anyway.

    And perhaps this is one reason for the exhibit’s runaway success. Until this summer, there really hasn’t been anywhere to play mini-golf right in the city. Now, though, St. Paul has also joined the game with the nine-hole “EarthScapes” course at the Science Museum. Even before that, the suburban course at Centennial Lakes in Edina had become quite the hotspot. Clearly, the draw of the Lilliputian links is not to be underestimated.

    In the 1920s, mini-golf was the United States’ fifth-biggest industry, as popular as baseball and the movies. With courses designed in homage to Scotland’s rolling greens, the game was a sophisticated pastime whose popularity spread from New York rooftops across the country with an almost feverish intensity. Opening a mini-golf course became one of the era’s most foolproof get-rich-quick schemes; soon, local ordinances were being passed to keep enthusiasts from playing late into the night, and widespread worry emerged about the pastime’s corruptive and corrosive influence on America’s youth. (Think Footloose: Those kids and their crazy dancing!)

    Alternatively called dwarf golf, pygmy golf, midget golf, and a variety of other things unpalatable to the modern sensibility, mini-golf as we mostly know it emerged during the Depression, when course owners had to get a little more creative, trading in pre-fab groomed holes for homemade links, which is when the windmills, tiny bridges, clown mouths, pendulums, and the like came into play. While eventually its popularity began to decline—clearly Hollywood is currently faring better than the mini-golf industry—mini-golf’s manageable challenges still have a draw.

    But that can’t be the only reason so many people have come here this June afternoon. Of the disheartened golfers who showed up on an off day, most settle happily for wandering from hole to hole as they might in the Walker’s indoor galleries, reading the didactic labels and clucking appreciation, disapproval, or just plain confusion:

    “An ice-fishing house. Ice fishing in the summer. Fantastic!” “This one looks like you could skateboard up it.” “Gosh, what is this? I thought this was going to be a real golf course.”

    Good point. So is it a real golf course? A mini one, that is? Is it golf? Or is it art? Or some strange hybrid created by the seemingly unlikely bedfellows of sport and art? And with ten holes instead of the usual nine or eighteen, you have to wonder if the Walker had any idea what it was doing—should artists really design golf courses? Even tiny ones?—or if, as usual, this avant-garde institution is asking us to think outside the box, bending the boundaries of our understanding. What does it mean that there are ten holes? Is it a comment on our blind acceptance of the status quo, of a kind of lockstep reverence for obscure numerological Kaballa?

    “We put out a request for proposals and we picked eight that we liked,” says Christi Atkinson, the Walker’s associate director of education. “And then we got to design one. And Target [the course’s corporate sponsor] got one. Oh. So how does a mini-golf exhibit fit with the Walker’s usual challenging fare? “It’s true that we’re often challenging art, opening up people’s ideas about what art is. But the purpose of this isn’t to deconstruct mini-golf,” Atkinson patiently responds.

    But how many golf holes are, well, curated? And, in such close proximity to the gnomic declarations that Jenny Holzer carved into her marble benches, one can’t help but read things like “Keep club head below knees and do not loft ball” as some kind of metaphorical directive. After strolling the course long enough, even the adjacent Coke machine’s “Thirsty?” came to read as a metaphysical question.

    Take hole number four, Mini Golf Smackdown!, whose creators have devised a point system rewarding schadenfreude and raw aggression, and “questioning the passive competition of traditional golf.” (Passive? Have they ever played golf with my sister?) Assuming that most people are essentially playing against themselves and to better their abilities, Takuma Handa and Daniel Vercruysse here instruct players to whack their way around a grid of raised and inverted pyramids, encouraging you to knock other balls off the course, chip your own ball back onto it using most any means, and to “laugh at others’ misfortune.” On a hole where it’s essentially impossible to line up a shot, the first person to actually sink the ball in the hole is rewarded with one point (three under par), the second gets two points, and so on—that is, your score for the hole has nothing to do with how many shots you actually took.

    For mini-golf, this is sort of complicated, and one steamy Thursday night, the line backs up quickly. “It’s a good thing there’s a ten-stroke limit,” comments one player when asked about her success on the Smackdown, “or we would have been there all night.”(Actually, the stroke limit for the course is six.) When I asked a member of another group what she thought of the idea behind the Smackdown, she said, “The one with the pyramids? Yeah. We didn’t read the instructions.”

    The creators of Pachinko Generation, hole number two, have constructed a combination skateboard half-chute and Plexiglas-encased wall of spinning blocks that have screws in them, and which looks something like a medieval torture device. The didactic label states, “A surprising discovery about pachinko machines is that the more evenly its metal pins are spaced, the more unpredictable the ball’s bounce becomes.” More surprising still is the raw aggression (extra Smackdown points here?) that players use to get their balls unstuck from the pachinko machine, something like trying to get a jammed Snickers out of a vending machine when your blood sugar has dropped. Most players resort to shoving their clubs behind the Plexiglas to sp
    in the blocks, which does have the desired effect of “remix[ing] the machine’s images,” though not as organically as the designers might have hoped.

    Other holes are more straightforward. Winter in Summer; Ice Fishing House pays homage to a Minnesota pastime, and Frank’s Frolic is a nod to a Frank Stella painting in the Walker’s permanent collection. (Its maddening diagonals prompted my partner, after several bad shots, to bellow, “Stella!”) Point of fact: If you’re actually competitive about mini golf, you’re out of luck here.

    “One of my friends is a high school math teacher,” noted Charles Weed, who was golfing the course with his wife, Jennifer Prestholdt, and their two young children. “He kept saying ‘This is clearly designed by artists! The angles are all wrong!’” Jo Schultz, an MCAD student in a black T-shirt that said “Kill ’Em All. Let God Sort ’Em Out,” was playing a second round with her boyfriend Parker. “I’m competitive about it,” she said. “It’s a little frustrating to not be able to kick his ass so bad.”

    Most golfers seemed to quit keeping score after a while and simply surrender to the heat and the giddiness of the game. (“Get over here now or I’ll club you like a baby seal,” one golfer entreated her son, and then broke into gales of laughter.)

    The question remains: Is it sport or is it sculpture? “They are sculptures,” Christi Atkinson asserts. Are they? “I think they are,” said Rose Park, golfing with her co-workers from the Minnesota Advocates for Human Rights office. “But it’s artists creating art for a certain purpose. They’re practical sculptures.”

    The most practical of which turns out to be Bullseye’s Bunker, the hole created by Target. Perhaps it’s just that adherence to the bottom line so necessary to the corporate world, but as one player laughed, “That’s the only hole I got it in.”

  • Fire and Rice

    In a good year, the wild rice grows thick on the lakes and rivers in northern Minnesota toward the end of August. The rice stalks multiply into such dense thickets that the waters become nearly impassable—to everything but the sleek canoes that glide through for harvesting. This job takes two people: one to knock rice into the canoe, and the other to propel the canoe through the water. Last year, I took the canoe’s middle seat, and my ricing partner stood tall in the back, pushing at the bottom of the creek bed with a twelve-foot pole, hand over hand, maintaining a gentle pace. With a stick like a fat pool cue in each hand, I poked one end behind a hank of rice stalks, bent it over the canoe, and used the other to softly strike the bursting seed heads: A shower of rice rained into the canoe. All the while, rice spiders, tiny and albino-white, skittered down my arms. Between swatting at them and keeping up with the canoe’s steady pace, it made for arduous work in the heavy, late-summer heat. But on and on it went, until the canoe became heavy with a belly full of rice and we slowly weaved our way to shore.

    Hand-harvesters like us generally yield small batches. In our case, we brought in around two hundred pounds of raw, or green, rice. Compared to the professional harvesters, or even the ambitious amateurs, it’s considered peanuts, and hardly enough to process. All rice must be cooked, or as they say, parched, in order to solidify the milky, soft kernel inside its sheath. Everyone we talked to pointed us to Lewie DeWandeler and Donnie Vizenor, friends and business partners who have been parching wild rice at Lewie’s farm for more than twenty-five years. Just like Donnie’s father and his father before that, they use a steel barrel that rotates over a blazing wood fire. Standing by, their eyes, ears and sense of smell are expertly attuned to the rice. “Some people use propane for parching, but you can taste the difference,” says Donnie. “We like to use wood, so that there’s a certain amount of smoke in the rice.” The heat dries out the soft kernel, but it’s the smoke that lends the wild rice its flavor.

    There’s also history to consider. Then and now, the many hours spent hand-harvesting rice provokes a desire to finish it in the right way. People from this area of the state have always parched their rice over wood fires because it’s the best, most precise treatment for a precious grain. Wood-fire parching also requires a great deal of intuition. Knowing when to raise the temperature and when to slow the barrel’s rotation are skills maintained through generations only by the act of doing. In this age of mass production of wild rice and other grains, those few who have kept the craft of wood-parching alive seem to sense that they are the last inheritors of a great tradition.

    Lewie DeWandeler and his wife Betty live on the Ponsford Prairie within the White Earth Indian Reservation, where fields of bright green hay give way to lush clumps of beans in rows. Abandoned farmhouses and the occasional one-room school sit squat in the middle of fields, shedding their whitewash.

    My partner and I had been told to show up at Lewie’s at the crack of dawn, no later, but when we get there Lewie leans out the kitchen door and says, “Come in. I have to eat my breakfast yet.” We stomp the mud off our boots as we climb the rough steps to the kitchen. It’s been drizzling for hours, and looks to be a day of pure gray sky and soaking wetness. The three dogs standing at well-spaced intervals across the long driveway glare at us, standing proud in their heavy wet coats. One, to be polite, gives a slow wag.

    Inside, Lewie is whipping eggs into flour to make pancake batter. His eyes have the glint of a true Midwestern prankster—someone who works hard but can make light of it. He makes a triple stack of pancakes and fried eggs, one on top of the other, and pours dark Minnesota maple syrup, thick as caramel, over all of it. We watch Lewie eat, we drink coffee, shoot the bull, and wait. Donnie Vizenor shows up, cheerful for the early hour, wearing bright blue workmen’s overalls.

    By 7:45 we are all well-fed and, holding our coffee cups, heading out to the parching shed. A wind-worn but stubborn structure, it’s open on two sides, and a lush green mess of baby oaks and bindweed comes in through one of them. The other side, next to the fire, is open to the grand sweep of the Ponsford Prairie. Like many people who live on the prairie, Lewie DeWandeler has learned to diversify: he logs and traps in the woods in the winter, farms hay and pinto beans in the summer, parches rice in the fall, sugars maples for syrup in the spring, and in this way generally survives the extremes of Minnesota weather.

    Over the years Donnie and Lewie have filled the shed with equipment for processing wild rice, an operation that begins and ends on the behemoth 1912 scale given to them by Donnie’s father. With its smooth white enameled shoulders, it stands as tall as a man and weighs in up to thirty-four thousand pounds of green rice each year. Donnie’s father, who grew up on the White Earth Reservation, updated the original parching method with a gas-powered motor: His first barrel parcher used a Ford Model A engine. As he scaled back on parching, Lewie and Donnie took on more of the job, eventually trading in the Model A engine for an electric motor to turn the barrel. They also invested in a thresher (often pronounced “thrasher”), which looks something like a washing machine and sports rubber rudders that gently beat the chaff loose from the parched rice. A large screen-lined grain separator shakes the whole kernels of rice down into a bucket, leaving a cloud of rice dust and chaff to blow out the side of the shed.

    While the rice is in the barrel, it is tempting to lean in close, to get the full force of the steamy smell of grain toasting—but the fire beneath is intensely hot. Lewie and Donnie keep a large but well-controlled blaze going from logs of white pine and oak, whose smoke perfumes the rice. Lewie stands next to the fire, leaning on a tall, blackened stick, which he uses every few minutes to adjust the logs and maintain the temperature. Parching rice demands full attention, but also allows those involved plenty of time for leaning on sticks and reminiscing. “Back when everyone brought in local rice, we used to be able to tell what lake the rice came off of,” says Lewie. “Some is almost yellow, some brown, some almost white. Rice from Mitchell Dam is short, fat, like coffee beans. And then there’s that lake just north of Highway 200—the rice from there is blond, almost transparent, once it’s parched.”

    Just like a cook, he’s keeping half a mind on the rice as we talk. He stops mid-sentence, turns a switch to speed the barrel. Opening the shed’s wide door to cool the place off a bit, he says, “Smell that? It’s going a little too fast.” When I ask how he can tell when it’s done, he gives my simplistic question a poker-faced, smartass response: “Standing here for twenty years looking at it has something to do with it.”

    Then he responds seriously, for Lewie is serious about this: “When the rice is just right it rattles against the barrel and sounds heavy.” He could parch it just enough to make it edible, but he works toward something a little better than that. Crafting a superior product with great flavor takes someone who again and again chooses to bring each batch precisely to the point of perfect doneness. “I toast the rice almost until it burns,” he says, winking, “but just almost. That gives it a nice smoky flavor.” And it does. Steaming a mere cup of rice that Lewie and Donnie have parched will fill an entire house with its earthy fragrance, as if you can smell at the same time both the fire it was parched in and the water it was raised in. Each taupe-colored kernel cooks up separate, tender and gently bent, barely splitting.

    Lewie’s and Donnie’s parching method closely resembles the Native American method practiced around the turn of the century. At that time, the rice spent a day or two drying in the sun before it was toasted in a large cast-iron kettle over a wood fire. After parching, it was then stamped upon with soft, moccasined feet to loosen the chaff. Once cool, it got poured it into shallow grass baskets and flung expertly into the air. The breeze carried the chaff away, and the rice fell back into the basket.

    Ricing on lakes within a reservation is limited to enrolled tribe members, but lakes on public and private land outside of the reservation are open to anyone. The best ricing lakes on reservation land (such as the aptly named Big Rice Lake near Mahnomen, Minnesota) throw annual lotteries: Names of tribal members go into a bucket, and only a lucky handful win the right to go ricing.

    Today the portrait of a small-time harvester is an interesting amalgam of Native American and European settler, with some of the ricing and processing being done by Native Americans on reservation soil, some on private land, and some by mixed teams on reservation lakes and on public lakes. The fact is, wild rice is a northern Minnesota foodstuff and its gathering is intertwined with the history of the northern territory. Settlers learned to rice from the Indians who lived here, in this place where rice grew wild on most every lake and in nearly every stream. When the Depression hit, all kinds of people took to harvesting and selling rice on a larger scale than ever before. At that time, the extra money and source of food nicely supplemented what could be, for both the settlers and the native people, a lean life on the northern prairie.

    Since then, people devised ways to produce wild rice on large scale, and today, most commercial producers have eliminated the fussy steps: They flood a field to grow rice, drain it to harvest, dry the grain until it’s completely black, and then parch it with steam until it’s solid. There’s not a lot of aroma surrounding this kind of operation, and zero romance. And having eaten plenty of this solid black commercial rice, I have to say that there’s not too much flavor in it, either.

    Cream of wild rice soup, a staple at diners in every small town across Minnesota, should be made with the old-fashioned, wood-parched rice. The steam-parched kind doesn’t cook evenly, so you end up with a few fully exploded kernels swimming among a lot of chewy, half-cooked rice. Wood-parched rice cooks more gently and evenly, and seems to thicken the creamy broth with its smoky, tender kernels.

    I like wild rice best when it’s prepared most simply: steamed with a bay leaf, a sprig of thyme, and a few cloves of garlic for perfume, with a thick pat of butter melting on top. (Contrary to popular myth, wild rice doesn’t take an hour to cook. Rinse it and cover it with enough water so that the tip of your finger touches the rice and the water reaches your first knuckle. Then bring it to a simmer, cover it, and steam for half an hour.) But this grain is also amazingly addictive when popped, salted, and buttered like popcorn. The kernels swell and explode when poured into a pan of hot oil; smaller than popcorn, the little puffed grains retain all the smoky flavor from the parching, and it’s a challenge to get the little bits in your mouth in enough quantity to satisfy.

    This year, Lewie’s son is parching some of the rice. As my grandma would say, it’s nice to see young folk take an interest. Because while small processors like Lewie and Donnie parch rice year after year, they’re not exactly besieged by apprentices. And like any artisanal process, rice parching must be taught, not described.

    Back in the day, families would bring their raw products to someone who would finish the processing. The cream went to the town creamery for butter and cheese; the wool was taken to someone who would spin it; the wheat was brought to the mill for flour. In this way, producers developed finely tuned skills for processing or finishing different products. With these kinds of cooking and processing, intuition is usually more precise than science.

    In northern Minnesota, many people enjoy getting out onto the lakes, gathering the rice, getting it parched, and taking that simple pleasure in eating all winter what they reaped in the fall. “People like to come to us because they get their own rice back,” says Lewie. “We could parch two small batches from two different people together, but you don’t know what that guy did with his rice before it got here.” Though I hadn’t thought about it before, I too was thankful that we got back the very rice we brought in. When Lewie said “the taste comes from right here,” he may have been pointing to his barrel parcher, but he was also talking about this northern place, those logs on the fire, this creek bed, and the one down the way.

  • What Are You Looking At?

    It’s a curious thing that women like to look good, but they don’t want to be leered at in public. More and more, I’m convinced that women want to look good for each other, as a kind of competition thing. My precious won’t cop to this directly, but I often rib her about getting gussied up when we’re heading out for dinner or a movie. If she’s happy with the man she married, who is she trying to impress?

    It’s an unfair question. She wants to look good for herself, she says. Looking good feels good, she says. And besides, just because we’re married doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to look good for me—although she didn’t say that, I did.

    Men, of course, do this in their own way too—though probably less consciously. We have our style and we stick with it. Maybe it’s a Titleist baseball cap, a T-shirt, and jeans. Maybe it’s an Armani suit. One of the funniest things is catching a guy wearing clothes he’s not used to wearing. We all know that fashion is about ninety-five percent confidence. You can see a power executive’s shriveling confidence from a mile away when once a month he puts on the pressed and starched Levi’s in an effort to loosen up for custody weekends.

    Anyway, our style sort of advertises the type of person we are; on some basic level it tells you what you’re dealing with in another human being, though this is never a sure bet. My wife may dress like a slut, but that does not make her a slut, necessarily. And even though I dress nicely for the office—I have a satisfying long-term relationship with Banana Republic—my wife would be the first to tell you that I am a shameless slob. I may shave and shower every day, but hell will probably freeze over before I am able to properly clean the kitchen.

    So anyway, my point was about boob jobs. Why are so many women getting them, while at the same time insisting that men not notice? Do you think women are secretly flattered when men check them out approvingly, while they know they have to toe the PC line publicly? More important, did Steve’s wife get a boob job, and is it kosher for me to ask?

    I have said in the past that I’m not particularly obsessed with boobs the way some of my friends are, and yet being a normal red-blooded male, I couldn’t help noticing that Steve’s wife, Suzy, has an astonishing chest, and it beggars the imagination how she is able to go around without a bra the way she does. Now, I would never want to be caught by Suzy or Steve even glancing at her chest. I make a special effort never to let my eyes wander below her chin, but it’s become such a conscious effort that I have to admit it’s making me a little uncomfortable. Why am I working so hard to not look?

    I don’t know what the answer is, and I’m not quite ready to broach the subject with Steve. We married men, despite our overall degraded state, do have our boundaries, even if they are arbitrary. It is generally considered bad form ever to speak about your buddy’s wife in this way. It’s perfectly fair to make general comments about beauty, but the moment you go into specifics is the moment you’ve overstepped the foul line. But in certain circumstances, I’m thinking a very close male friendship could lead to an opportunity to ask—in the most delicate, clinical way of course—are those real?

    Now I understand from my precious that women are very particular about what is considered a safe and healthy assessment. It should be discreet and tasteful, and sunglasses are a useful tool. There is a fine line between checking out and leering; men need to understand that women have been ogled much of their lives, and they are highly attuned to the wide range of attentions both welcome and unwelcome. Women know all too well that “checking out” can easily cross into creepy and threatening territory.

    Men have virtually no experience on the receiving end of being ogled, for the simple reason that women don’t do it—or when they do it, they are expert at hiding it. (They also fart, but you would never know it. Maybe not even after you marry one.) We thirty- and forty-something men are smart enough to know that we aren’t supposed to be checking out women other than our wives, but we also know that there’s probably nothing wrong—and indeed, nothing really very sexual—about noticing the finer points of the other women that pass through our field of vision. Our wives don’t need to feel threatened by this, as long as we come nowhere near crossing the line into obvious and gross male behavior.

  • Getting Baked

    “My issues with tanorexia go way back to high school, when tanning beds first hit the scene,” said Julie Dey, a pretty twenty-eight-year-old from Apple Valley. “Girls would make tanning appointments and get out of school to go tanning. I have pictures of girls at my prom who look like they were painted in blackface!”

    Since the explosion of artificial tanning in the mid-eighties, we’ve all known people who couldn’t seem to get tan enough. Back in my day, there was a bleached-blonde cheerleader with such a severe case of tanorexia that she looked like an orange Oompa Loompa in a crotch-length miniskirt. A few years after high school, she was arrested for doing the dirty work for her drug-dealing boyfriend. During her two-year stay behind bars, she wrote a letter complaining about losing her ten-year tan because the gawd-awful place didn’t have a tanning bed. She was just the kind of person who would go to prison and gripe about its effect on her skin.

    But not every tanorexic is a felon. Tanorexia can afflict the most innocent booth-bather. Take, for example, our dearly departed KARE-11 anchorman, Paul “Major Tan” Magers, whose pastel ties and handkerchiefs were the perfect foil for his constantly copper kisser. Or that beefy dude running around Lake Harriet whose wee jogging shorts show off his perpetually tanned legs of steel. Or the workout-happy mom in the cubicle next to yours who removes her wedding band at least twenty times a day to check her tan line. Unfortunately, tanorexia has many faces. (Albeit all really tan.)

    According to the American Cancer Society, more than one million new cases of skin cancer will be diagnosed this year. Residents of the Sunbelt states have a one-in-three chance of being diagnosed with skin cancer, while UV-deprived Minnesotans have the lowest rate in the United States. The number of cases has doubled in the last thirty years, which experts attribute to exposure to higher levels of UV radiation and increased use of tanning beds. Booths are less likely than sun exposure to cause melanoma, the deadliest skin cancer, but they are still a factor. Despite the risks, more than thirty million Americans use tanning beds. And it’s not just Americans going under the lights. Doctors in the U.K. recently endorsed the term “tanorexic” to describe Britain’s growing legion of tanning-bed enthusiasts, though the word has been murmured among the self-deprecating fake-bakers for years. (“My friend Travis is tanorexic, too,” Dey said. “We always say, ‘Omigod! We are so tanorexic!’”)

    A more genteel form of tanorexia can be found among those who use spray booths and gel applications, which mimic a deep tan without the dangerous radiation. “We have tons of clients using Mystic Tan, old and new,” said Laura Johnson. She is the manager of Boss Tanning in Golden Valley, which hosts the metro area’s highest concentration of tanning salons. The salon also uses high-pressure tanning beds, which Johnson said block ninety-nine percent of the UVB rays that cause painful booth burn. “People sometimes shy away from the lights for aging reasons. But a lot of people are tanorexic. They just like tanning. We have about fifty or so people who come in at least four times a week who I’d say are tanorexic, I guess.”

    Despite the availability of gels and mist, Dey prefers tanning the old-school way. “I tried the Mystic Tan once and I went pumpkin girl,” she said. She wears her tanorexia like a gold medal (OK, maybe a bronze), and becomes defensive about her love for UV rays if lectured about their dangers. “Don’t tell me what to do with my life when you smoke a pack a day and don’t wear your seatbelt. I mean, we’re all gonna die some day. Seriously, dude.”

    And for the folks who ask her where she got that great tan in the middle of February, Dey offers this: “Ummm, yeah. You just saw me yesterday? OK, I was on planet Mercury. You too can go there and get a wonderful orange glow on your skin!”
    —Molly Priesmeyer