Category: Blog Post

  • Poetry and war

    A friend of mine told me over the weekend that she missed my poetry posts. (If you are nostalgic, you can go back to any posts from April for the pedantry.) But that comment, and today’s news from Iraq made me think of one of my favorites: Horace’s Ode 3.2–the famous “Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori,” ode–“It is sweet and fitting to die for your country.”

    Now I’m certain that Horace was being ironic. In fact, I wrote a pretty good paper about it once in college. But, of course, that hasn’t stopped the guys who start the wars quoting him out of context for the last 2000 years. We have, luckily, the other poets and artists to interpret for us.

    Here’s Hemingway’s take, for example: “They wrote in the old days that it is sweet and fitting to die for one’s country. But in modern war, there is nothing sweet nor fitting in your dying. You will die like a dog for no good reason.”

    And here is English poet Wilfred Owen:

    Dulce Et Decorum Est

    Bent double, like old beggars under sacks
    Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge,
    Till on the haunting flares we turned our backs
    And towards our distant rest began to trudge.
    Men marched asleep. Many had lost their boots
    But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame; all blind;
    Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots
    Of tired, outstripped Five-Nines that dropped behind.

    Gas! GAS! Quick, boys! — An ecstasy of fumbling,
    Fitting the clumsy helmets just in time;
    But someone still was yelling out and stumbling
    And floundering like a man in fire or lime —
    Dim, through the misty panes and thick green light,
    As under a green sea, I saw him drowning.

    In all my dreams, before my helpless sight,
    He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.

    If in some smothering dreams you too could pace
    Behind the wagon that we flung him in,
    And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,
    His hanging face, like a devil’s sick of sin;
    If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
    Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs,
    Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud
    Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues,—
    My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
    To children ardent for some desperate glory,
    The old Lie: Dulce et decorum est
    Pro patria mori.

    Read that last line again–the part about the “old Lie,” and think of how we got into Iraq. Think of that in the light of the stories out of England recently in which it was revealed in Parliamentary memos that the American government knew damn well they were lying about Saddam’s weapons.

    Add that to the lies Rumsfeld baldly told to the questioning American soldier about why they were sent to Iraq with unarmored Humvees and inadequate body armor.

    Think then of Horace and Hemingway and Owen’s imagery.

    Five Americans were killed over the weekend, four of them by road side bombs that blew apart their bodies, which were shielded by little more than the leather armor worn by Roman soldiers in Horace’s time.

    Think of the pink froth of those boys’ last breaths gurgling from their perforated chests and screaming lips.

    And then think if you would send a dog to die like that.

    Rumsfeld would.

  • A Long Time Ago, Somewhere Else In The World

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    After a time the beggars just sort of receded and became a peripheral blur in my daily routine, the traffic I had to navigate each day on my way to work. There were almost no cars in my part of town. A number of people had beat-up motor scooters or bicycles, but the narrow maze of dusty streets and terraces broken up by steep steps was largely impassable by automobile.

    I don’t know how long it took me to get used to the beggars, or at least to learn to not really see them. Not long, to be appallingly honest. Even as on some level, of course, you never got entirely used to the daily swarm of children, old women, and various categories of broken men. But if you let their presence bother you as much as it should have bothered you, you wouldn’t have survived long in that place.

    Whenever a group of foreign workers would get together we’d inevitably find ourselves talking about the beggars in ways that were shamefully abstract, as if they were pests –mosquitos, perhaps, or pigeons. Some nuisance you needed a strategy to cope with. This sort of strategic distance was necessary, I suppose, for practical, day-to-day survival in that country. Your compassion and mercy needed to be generalized and concentrated on the big picture, which was something that never really seemed to come into clear focus; if anything, in fact, it seemed to be continually receding to the horizon and growing smaller and more hopelessly fuzzed all the time. Still, we all agreed that it did us –or them– no good to give the beggars money or buy their useless trinkets.

    I still remember one particular boy I would encounter every day, folded up like a large cricket on a dirty mat on the sidewalk, his emaciated legs bent behind him at impossible angles. “See me,” he would call out in a croaking, damaged tenor. “Look at me.”

    I recall giving him what amounted to perhaps fifty cents one morning, and I was upbraided by one of my supervisors –a young Frenchwoman– all the way to the office.

    It’s strange, I haven’t found myself thinking about those people for years now, and for quite a long time, I believe, I had succeeded in not thinking of them as people at all.

  • Uncle Jumbo's Playground

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    –Illustration by James Dankert

    Fridays aren’t gonna work for me. I’m not a writer, dammit. I can’t be expected to drag my ass home from the day job (and I do mean drag my ass; some days it feels like I’m hauling a Volkswagon Beetle behind me), watch a baseball game, and then sit down and grind out some nonsense simply because Zellar feels like taking the day off and making merry.

    Sometimes I feel like making merry myself, even if I do have a substantially different definition of what that phrase means than the average person. Last night, for instance: I didn’t feel up to venturing out to the Dome, so I hunkered down at home with a twelve-pack of Milwaukee’s Best (truly the best beer-bang for your buck when you’re pinching pennies) and a bag of Cheetos, which I enjoy because they stain the shit out of my face, hands, and clothes and when I finish a bag I look like I’ve actually been doing hard labor in some kind of mine. I also ate some pork and beans (mixed with Ken Davis barbecue sauce) cold and right out of the can. I like to imagine that I might be one of the last people in America –other than, perhaps, a few rare old-school hobos, if in fact there remain any such characters in existence– who still eats pork and beans out of the can.

    What, some people occasionally wonder, does any of this have to do with baseball? And my answer is: everything. The game is all about ritual and routine, and I have as many –if different– rituals as a fan as I ever did as a player. Being a baseball fan should not be a passive activity, and it’s not an appropriate activity for the self-conscious. Athletes always talk about being in “the zone,” and even as a spectator the game is only truly excruciating or enjoyable to me if I can manage to find my way into a zone of oblivion all my own. Maybe that’s why I prefer sitting at home and watching on television to putting up with the aggravations and distractions of a crowd at the ballpark. When I actually go to a game, someone or something is always intruding on my oblivion, and these intrusions are often incredibly hostile. I also don’t wish to have my responses and behavior choreographed by anything other than what happens on the field.

    Some people –many people– can’t stand to have their ballpark “experience” ruined by the behavior of a genuine fan, but that’s not my problem. When people object to my behavior at a game –and this happens all the time– it’s inevitably out of concern for the kids around me. One of the most pathetic fallacies in the world is that baseball is all about the kids. That’s nonsense. Unless a kid knows how to keep score, define the infield fly rule, and pay attention, parents or guardians have no business bringing them to a baseball game. Anybody who’s had to sit around a gaggle of squirming brats at the Dome recognizes that most kids would rather be somewhere else. Most of the time they’d rather be standing in line at the concession stands or running up the aisle to the bathroom.

    I’ve been booed mercilessly on a number of occasions for wrestling a foul ball away from some kid (or pack of feral kids), and when this has happened I can tell you in all honesty that I’ve never felt anything but exultant. I’ve caught maybe a dozen balls over the years, and, truth be told, they don’t mean anything to me at this point, but I’ll still wade into the throng out of principle. I can see all sorts of lessons in this for the kids: Life’s not fair. Respect your elders. It’s a dog-eat-dog world and little dogs should stay the hell out of the way of the big dogs. The sturdier animal gets the foul ball. Shut your mouth and watch the game or go to Camp Snoopy where you belong. Don’t mess with Jumbo.

    I can’t find much to bitch about regarding last night’s game. I love watching Carlos Silva pitch, and his performance last night was a thing of beauty. It’s easy to forget that this is a big guy who’s supposedly pitching with a messed-up knee.

    I still don’t much like the offense of this team, and worry about the strength of the bench over the long haul. If you’re one of these people who seriously believes that Nick Punto or Juan Castro are the answers to any question worth asking, the odds aren’t very good that we’re ever going to be able to have a civilized discourse.

    Because Silva was so great last night we can try to forget about the fact that the Twins stranded eleven runners, and Torii Hunter (.237 BA, .314 OBP, .396 SLG) grounded into two double plays with the bases loaded, and is now 0-8 with the bags packed for the season. This is a guy who right now is a serious candidate for the most overrated player in all of baseball.

    The futility of the entire team with the bases loaded (9-51 for a .176 BA) is ridiculous, and might be either a pure fluke or a sign that the Twins just aren’t a very disciplined team. Right now I’d say it’s probably a little bit of both.

  • I Suppose It's Time I Started Looking Around For A New Barber

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    It’s probably something of a red flag when your barber has a Superman logo tattooed on his forearm. And this is probably not the sort of monologue you want to hear from some guy while he’s cutting your hair:

    I’m not shitting you, I’m at the end of my fucking rope here. I know damn well that people look at me when I keep shaking my head like crazy, but it’s like I’m trying to erase something from my brain, you know? Like my brain is a fucking Etch-A-Sketch. Seriously, you wouldn’t believe some of the bullshit I’ve been through. My ex-wife has put me through the wringer, I shit you not. You’d think I was made of money. Hello? Did I happen to mention when I married you that I was a fucking barber? I’m pretty sure I did.

    I had a guy in here earlier, and when I told him that I was at the end of my fucking rope, he says, “Well, from the looks of things, I don’t suppose you’re lying.” So, okay, it’s that obvious, okay? I’m not a guy who can keep shit bottled up inside. Like I always told the old lady, “What you see is what you get. I’m not hiding anything.”

    I’m serious, though, everywhere I turn it seems like there’s a brick wall waiting for me, and the punks in my neighborhood have spray-painted the word “Fuck” in big red letters right across that brick wall. It’s like every day I wake up from one nightmare and slip right into another. The same shitty food, day after day. The same fucking undercover deadbeats shuffling by my house, the same bogus utility truck parked at the curb out front, the guy behind the wheel pretending to read a newspaper.

    You think I don’t know what’s going on? Do these people really think I’m that fucking stupid? I ask my next-door neighbor if he’s ever seen anybody suspicious-looking lurking around in my backyard when I’m not around, and he gets all nervous and says he hasn’t seen a thing. Then, a couple nights later, I notice a small red light in the dark window of his bedroom, clearly the battery lights of a video camera that’s pointed right at me.

    I’ll let you in on a little secret: I’m this close —this fucking close [gripping a fistful of my hair with one hand, he shoves his scissors in front of my eyes and executes one quick, aggressive snip]– to snapping.

  • We Wouldn't Want to Belong to a Club That Would Have Us As A Member

    We’ve mentioned before the many, many awards that are minted each year for every little print publication under the sun. Some forms of industrial recognition are more credible than others, of course, but mostly they are an exercise in narcissism. We’re not sure anyone outside the industry cares that much, given that any publication that has been around for more than ten years has, at some point, with or without its own knowledge or participation, become a bonafide “award-winning” publication.

    Last week, the City and Regional Magazine Awards were announced, and in our view this is a middling to negligable honor. Usually, it’s a good sign when a third party conducts the judging process, and the CRMAs are peddled along by the University of Missouri School of Journalism, using a full-to-bursting masthead of credible magazine professionals.

    The problem with the CRMAs, though, is that the City and Regional Magazine Association itself limits who can enter the competition. As a point of policy, anyone can enter. As a point of practice, the people at the offices of the CRMA get to decide who is allowed into the competition, and they are happy to reject the applications of anyone they might feel threatened by.

    We’re strictly observers of it all, not participants, but we find it interesting that bloom is off the rose when it comes to perennial favorite Texas Monthly. Anecdotally, everyone agrees that it’s one of the best magazines in the nation (we think so too), but TM has been getting shut out in the CRMAs and the ASMEs in the past two or three years. (Well, bronze and silver awards are not exactly getting shut-out. But a magazine that regularly receives national notice against Big Leaguers like The New Yorker and The Atlantic should easily dominate the somewhat silly CRMAs. It’s a little like having a Pulitzer winner come in second at the local library’s “what I did for my summer vacation” competition.) Probably the judges are eager to give others a chance, and wish to let TM lie fallow for a few years. Be that as it may, we think it’s about time Chicago magazine got some recognition, even at Texas Monthly’s cost.

  • Asses of Evil

    There’s another article in today’s Miami Herald about Luis Posada Carriles. (Search their archives for a long list of more stories on this jerk.) Here’s the basic deal: Posada blew up a Cuban airliner that was on its way to Venezuela. He blew up some hotels in Havana. He tortured leftist prisoners in Venezuela.

    Even putting aside the torture thing, which is wholeheartedly endorsed by the Bush administration, the airplane and hotel bombings kind of make him a terrorist, don’t they? Of course, there is the annoying mitigating circumstance that Posada was working for (gasp) the CIA at the time of the airplane bombing, but U.S. law clearly prohibits offering asylum to terrorists.

    But, there’s also the law of South Florida, particularly Miami, which is, for all practical purposes, the Batista government of Cuba in exile. So, if Jeb-boy is gonna carry Florida in 2008, brother W probably ain’t gonna send a Cuban “freedom fighter” to Castro’s buddies in Venezuela to be tried.

    Gee, even Libya turned over the Lockerbie bombers. (Of course, in Gaddifi’s defense, he didn’t have to worry about elections.) But, if Libya was once a charter member of the Axis of Evil club, what does that make us?

  • Cue The Meatloaf

    “Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad” would be an appropriate, if obnoxious, theme song for Ron Gardenhire’s Twins, for this or any season. The mantra in the Minnesota clubhouse during Gardenhire’s tenure has always been, “We’re just trying to win each series. The rest will take care of itself.”

    That’s a decent, ambitious goal for a baseball team. A .660 winning percentage should be more than enough to easily win any division. The 2004 Cardinals played .648 ball and led the majors with 105 wins. The White Sox, of course, are playing at an unreal .707 clip so far this year, and no one really expects them to be able to keep that up. The Twins current .590 winning percentage is better than they finished last year, and would have been good enough to win three divisions in ’04; still, barring a complete Chicago collapse they’ll probably have to crank it up a notch, or at the very least keep rolling at their present pace to close ground on the Sox.

    Thanks once again to the weird schedule, Minnesota and Chicago won’t meet again until August, and the two teams will play their remaining thirteen games against each other in the season’s final two months (including seven games in September).

    The last couple games of the Toronto series were encouraging on all sorts of levels. The team bounced back from Johan Santana’s discouraging (and almost shocking) outing on Tuesday, and got a decent start from Kyle Lohse on Wednesday, and a spectacular start out of Joe Mays today. Juan Rincon and Joe Nathan appear to have suffered no lingering effects from their shaky outings in last Friday’s eleven-inning train wreck against Texas.

    Michael Cuddyer continued his May resurrection, going four-for-seven with three RBIs in the last couple games (and raising his batting average to .274). Two of those RBIs came on his bases-loaded double off Gustavo Chacin in the sixth inning of today’s 4-0 victory in the series finale. The thirteen-pitch battle that resulted in that double was one of the great at-bats you’ll ever see (Cuddyer fouled off eight two-strike pitches, including one long, high blast that just hooked foul down the leftfield line), and was all the more significant given the Twins futility with the bases loaded so far this year.

    “I saw all of his pitches in that at-bat,” Cuddyer said afterwards. “I saw some of them several times, in fact. I was just trying to stay back, get a good swing, and try to drive the ball. In an at-bat like that, after a while you stop trying to guess and just try to see each pitch. In the back of my mind, though, I knew he’d thrown me a change-up my previous time up, and I hadn’t seen it yet. It turned out that was the pitch I eventually hit, but by then, of course, I was no longer really looking for it.”

    Finally, to return to Meatloaf for a moment, I’d like to give you a heads up that I’ve started to assemble my All-Time Fat Bastard team, and I welcome early suggestions for worthy candidates.

  • The Fairer Sex

    When I login at home, I use the equvialent of the old wooden, crank-up party line—my dial-up America Online account. I have to admit that I always wait enthusiastically for the slow emergence of today’s headlines, like tea leaves swirling in the digital kettle. There are usually three main “news” headlines that rotate in a rudimentary server push on AOL’s homepage. These are the most distilled, highest-proof example you’ll ever find of Time-Warner’s idea of what captures the most eyeballs in the least amount of time. (Technically speaking, they are normally breathtaking in their brevity. I doubt whether AOL editors ever waste more than twenty-five characters on a story head; anyone who has ever tried to fit headlines to space knows what a special talent this requires.)

    The breakdown of the rotation goes something like this: First, the hard news story, preferably with heavy overtones of partisan positioning. (That way, you can salt in two or three reader surveys as an additional enticement.) Second, there is usually a celebrity story of one kind or another, most often having to do with a current scandal or A&E release. Third comes the highly solicitious reader service—Are you too fat? Having enough sex? Working too hard? Is your spouse having an affair? How much would you spend to save your dog’s life? Where will you vacation this summer? Is there a cocktail in your near future? (AOL’s homepage on the web expands this formula to five items—two celebrity bits and two service bits.)

    Anyway, this morning’s hard news bit was this: “Should Women Serve?” (Paired with a photo of a female GI in fatigues with an M-16, it did not function quite like the double or triple entendre it does here.) This struck me as provocative, although I resisted the urge to click through to the story. Clicking through is usually a disappointment—AOL’s news stories are almost always stripped down wire items with no teeth or boots. The brevity and concision of that smart headline is most often linked to a story that would barely pass muster in almost any high-school newspaper in the land.

    But it did get me thinking. I’ve been saying for months that Democrats would be insane to propose Hillary Clinton for prez in 2008—largely because of entrenched, genteel misogyny. You think Americans are uncomfortable with the idea of gay marriage? Wait until you start push-polling them on whether the US can withstand a woman as commander in chief. That’s why we say only under ONE condition should the Dems put Billary on the ticket: They must also get a referendum on as many ballots as possible to eliminate the vote for women. It would totally work.

  • Crapping on the Koran, part 2

    Will wonders never cease? The conservative columnist of the NY Times, David Brooks, came to the defense of Newsweek today.

    Brooks takes note of the fact that radical Islamists hardly need a short item in an American magazine with an excellent reputation to incite them to senseless violence against almost everyone.

    He doesn’t actually put it in so many words, but, he suggests we ask Muslim clerics, “Where is the Koran, if not in the toilet, when you are encouraging children to blow themselves up to kill fellow Muslims in Afganistan?”

    Now I’ve never incited Muslims to violence by, for example, calling for a “crusade” or invading their country, unlike a certain President I know. And I’ve never pissed off Hindus by calling them devil worshipers, like a certain Christian leader.

    But, I have written some fairly inflammatory things about right wing Christians in this space, and so far no one has walked in here ringed with C4. Of course, I’m not an “activist” judge either. Maybe the Christian bombers are saving themselves for when it really counts.

  • Those Godless Television Geniuses, Always Doing Satan's Work

    CBS tinkers with the magic formula, and the youth of America burn in Hell: “Joan of Arcadia” is out; Jennifer Love Hewitt talking to dead people is in.

    “I think talking to ghosts may skew younger than talking to God,” Moonves said.