The Rake Magazine

Category: Blog Post

  • They Shoot Maseratis Don't They?

    birt_4.jpg
    So shoot me. (Images: Groovyman’s Guide 2007)

    Elvis Presley had a thing for Italian sports cars (among other dangerous drugs). A certain urban legend holds that he once actually shot one of them when it failed to start.

    The legend has been passed along that the low slung shot of pure adrenaline was a Maserati. It wasn’t. It was a Pantera, a strange Italo-American hybrid of a car that featured a body designed by Tom Tjaarda at Ghia with a 351 Cleveland engine and sold through Lincoln Mercury dealers in the early 70s. In other words, it was a bastard. An early 70s Maserati (say, a Ghibli) would have bitten Elvis back. And as I learned this weekend, the great Maseratis have not changed much over the years.

    Maser side.jpg
    Una machina bellisima eh brutisimo. Ti amo. Totalmente.

    If I learned anything from my 24 hour affair with a 2005 Maserati Quattroporte in special-order Ferrari blue it is that any rock star who has taken leave of his senses has no place in this car. This car requires all your wits. You may even need treatment once you hand over the keys. Because few four door sedans in the world right now deliver quite the same combination of speed, handling, luxury and pure madness like this car.

    In my humble opinion the Quattroporte also negates what is currently the “world’s fastest” four door sedan, the Bentley Flying Spur . For one thing, this British car is actually a German car. Or, in other words, another bastard frequently driven by bastards (the business card scene of American Psycho comes to mind). Yeah, its fast and luxurious but its also well over five thousand pounds and basically a VW Phaeton cum Audi A8.

    In spite of its deficits, the Flying Spur is still quite a car. It is not a Maserati, however, and never will be. The Flying Spur is an accomodating car designed by Germans with British flavoring and build. The Maserati is a car built in Northern Italy. The Modenese (home to the “sacred monster”) do things their way, not yours. That is why most people with the money to afford this car may fail to appreciate it.

    Maser full shot.jpg
    “Automatica non mi piace. Ti amo la strada solamente.”

    Its charms are mainly experienced after spending time with the owners manual and some trial and error at paddle shifting above 7100 RPMs with the accelerator floored (you will drive over 100 MPH to do this).* It also takes a certain knowledge of driving dynamics to fully test its nearly perfect 47/52 weight distribution. Because of this the car makes about the worst five minute test drive in recent memory.

    For one thing, this car hates automatic. It will tolerate it but it constantly reminds you that driving can and should be more fun. It also sacrifices a few driver sight lines for sheer automotive sexiness. It even rings and dings too much as it calibrates a variety of racing-inspired computers before settling into drive (which you must depress the brake to engage, like many high-performance cars). Lastly, the sheer beauty of its Poltrona Frau leather covered seating and symetrically-grained wood on the dash and doors leaves you thinking twice about drinking and spilling a cup of coffee in the car.

    In other words all the things that can spoil a quick test drive for the average impertinent investment banker, corporate stiff or corpulent rock star past his prime. And frankly, with the exception of Elvis, I hope it does.

    Because some day I believe I will be reunited with The King. On that day, I will tell him that while some cars are worth shooting, others must be driven. That is why this car belongs in the hands of a real, commonist-fighting Road Rake.

    On earth as it is in heaven.

    Rock and Roll heaven.

    Automotive Nirvana.

    And on a parking lot in Plymouth, Minnesota at Sears Imported Autos.

    (P.S. You can catch this car at the Prince Concert tonight (Saturday, July 7) as well in the parking lot of the Graves 601.)

    * Only the lowly VW offers a sequential (paddle shifting) system that is comparable, albeit not matched to a 400 HP Ferrari engine and sublime Skyhook suspension. If you forget to click on the link here is a great on-the-road description:

    “With simplified and strengthened internals, the Cambiocorsa is an altogether more durable gearbox than early sequential manual systems though hesitant reversing can still result in some toasty smalls emanating from the clutches. As well the safety factor of requiring two hands on the wheel for the majority of driving situations, Cambiocorsa is a whole lot of fun. Youll find yourself zipping up and down the gears just for the sake of it, relishing the engines delicious throttle blip as you knock the gearbox down a couple of cogs as you enter your favourite hairpin.”

  • As Tom Kelly Would Say, Oh, My: Twin Bill In Chi-Town

    My, my.

    Mercy.

    Yowza.

    Goodness gracious.

    Good heavens.

    For heaven’s sake.

    For the love of Pete.

    Holy cow.

    Holy shit.

    59 hits, 22 walks, 11 home runs, six errors, and 46 runs, in two freaking games. An American League contest in which the pitcher for the winning team was actually forced to bat –two times.

    All I can say is butter my ass and call it a biscuit. If that don’t just beat all.

    I don’t know this team. I. Just. Do. Not. Know. Them.

    It.

    Whatever.

    Seriously, that business boggled my mind.

    And if a doubleheader performance like that doesn’t get Ozzie Guillen fired, I don’t know what it’s going to take. I mean, Jesus, how do you leave one of your best pitchers in there –a guy who entered the game with a 3.15 ERA– to get the shit pounded out of him like that? Isn’t that why you have guys like David Aardsma and Nick Masset on your roster?

    Finally, who wants to bet the Twins turn around and get shutout tomorrow?

  • A smoky, cerebral wine

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    With most wines, I know right away: I like it or I don’t; it enhances the meal I’m eating or it doesn’t; it’s full or light or insipidly thin. But this one I had to taste for most of an evening — slowly, letting it breathe and change — with food between glass one and glass two. Still, its profile was very difficult to parse.

    A blend of Merlot (80%) and Cabernet Sauvignon (20%), the Château La Fleur Plaisance is paint-strippingly tannic and ultra-rich. It has notes of chewy dark fruit — blackberry, raisin, and plum — but the most prominent flavor is wet wood, like an oak tree that’s been sliced open and rained on for a couple days. The nose is full of cigar. . . .not cigar box, which is refined, but actual cigar: tobacco and fire and smoke. (Alcohol 12.5%)

    I found this $11 Bordeaux by chance while walking through Hennepin-Lake Liquor Store, an odd little wedge-shaped shop at 1200 W. Lake Street in Minneapolis that operates as if it were 1972. They don’t take credit cards, have no website, and keep their reserve wines in precariously tilted wall bins and haphazard stacks. Searching through the selections at Henn-Lake Liquors is like visiting a musty old bookstore, picking through the bins, and running across a discounted first edition of The Sound and the Fury.

    I didn’t enjoy drinking the Château La Fleur Plaisance, the way I would a smoother, more comforting wine. But I delighted in the fact that it was dark, complicated, and interesting — challenging in a way that made me both perplexed and entertained. Much like reading Faulkner. . . .

    So while I wouldn’t choose Château La Fleur Plaisance every day, it’s a nice departure from predictable pinot noirs and simple Spanish table wines. Occasionally, I like to exercise different sensibilities and bend my palate a bit. This is the perfect vehicle.

  • Good Food, Good Music, Good Style, and Horrible Creatures

    FOOD & DINING
    Celebrate the Summer Spanish-Style

    2030933645.jpgStart out the weekend in pure decadence with an Outdoor Paella Party. Begin the evening with a sampling of traditional Spanish fare. Warm up your palate with cold almond and garlic soup from Andalusia, and fried Spanish Marcona almonds. Next, Ensalada de Naranjas (orange salad with onions) from Levante, Soldaditos de Pavia (salt cod fritters) from Madrid, and Patatas Alioli (boiled potatoes with aioli) from Catalonia. Chef Lafayette will show you how to mix up a big pan of paella on the outdoor cooker, complete with shellfish, chicken, and chorizo sausage, on a bed of saffron short-grain rice. Don’t go too paella happy, though; be sure to leave room for the Galiaiam almond cake with caramel almond ice-cream, known in the Balearic Islands as a Tarta de Santiago Vinagre de Jerez con Helado de Almendra.

    Friday from 6:30 p.m. to 9:30 p.m., Kitchen Window, Calhoun Square, 3001 Hennepin Ave., Minneapolis; 612-824-4417; $70.

    MUSIC
    What’s with the Rock-n-Roll Coming from the Church?

    4115756412.jpgThat’s right. folks, it’s time for the annual Basilica Block Party. Cut out of work a touch early so you can enjoy the full scope of the event. Join David Cartwright and his band of pilgrim players, Kadiwompus, at 4:30 p.m. as they set out from Nicollet Mall singing and rocking all the way to the Block Party in time for opening night. Twelve great bands will rock the stages over the two-day party: The Alarmists, Lifehouse, Amos Lee, Robert Randolph and the Family Band, The Cat Empire, Jonny Lang, Brandi Carlile, The Sweet Colleens, G. Love + Special Sauce, The Plain White T’s, and Battle of the Bands winners 2Wurds and The Great Physician.

    5:30 p.m., Basilica of Saint Mary, Hennepin Ave. and 7th St., Minneapolis; 612-317-3511; $30 (one day), $50 (two-day pass).

    MORE MUSIC
    A Rockin’ Stompin’ Good Time

    BuckwheatZydeco01.jpgThe Prince concert tomorrow is certainly no secret, but perhaps you haven’t heard about Buckwheat Zydeco playing this Sunday at the Dakota. Perhaps the most legendary zydeco performer to date, Buckwheat Zydeco has earned four Grammy nominations and has opened for Eric Clapton, U2, Robert Cray, and Los Lobos. If you want to end your weekend on a high note, this is the way to do it. You’ll build enough energy to last you the week.

    7 p.m. & 9 p.m., Dakota Jazz Club & Restaurant, 1010 Nicollet Ave., Minneapolis; 612-332-1010; $27 & $17.

    BOOKS, AUTHORS, AND FESTIVITIES
    Convergence of the Geeks

    organization_spec.jpgGeeks gather ’round; it’s time for this year’s GeekFest, CONvergence 2007. The theme of this year’s science fiction and fantasy convention? Creature Feature. So go all out and dress up as your favorite creature and enjoy the discussion panels, a masquerade ball, free food and drink, and dozens of room parties. Special guests include science fiction and fantasy author Lois McMaster Bujold, filmmmaker Emily Hagins, comic book artist and illustrator Bernie Wrightson, horror author Brian Keene, voice actor Wally Winger, and John Kovalic – Dork Tower, Out of the Box Games.

    Sheraton Bloomington Hotel, 7800 Normandale Blvd., Minneapolis; 952-835-7800; $55.

    STYLE
    Rendezvous Fashion Show

    If science fiction creatures aren’t your thing, maybe you’ll prefer the high stylings of the Rendezvous Fashion Show. Watch New York and Minnesota fashions come together for this unique event featuring handmade textile prints by Drew Peterson and John Grider, film projections by Leif Lafferty-Gebauer , music by Eatin Hogeye, and designs by the Brooklyn-based Unmade Collective and the Minneapolis-based Miss Match Manufacturing.

    Saturday at 7 p.m., Bedlam Theater, 1501 S. 6th St., Minneapolis; 612-341-1038; $7.

    FILM
    Outdoors, Indoors, Fluffy or Heavy

    Those who’ve been digging the whole outdoor movie experience this summer, have a couple more options this weekend. On the lights side, Batman Begins will be showing this evening (9:15 p.m.) in the Kellogg Boulevard Courtyard of St. Paul’s Central Library (90 W. 4th St.). For something a bit heavier, head over to the movies in the parking lot of Patrick’s Cabaret (3010 Minnehaha Ave.) on Sunday for a screening of Wellstone a feature-length documentary about the late politician.

    Also opening this weekend are nerd-core film Eagles Vs. Shark and genetic horror spoof Black Sheep.

  • Cold, Hard Reality In The Bronx

    Here are the facts, or at least some of them: the Twins lost five of seven games to a lousy Yankee team. And thus far, they’re 0-5 against the first-place Cleveland Indians.

    Kevin Slowey didn’t turn out to be the second coming of Francisco Liriano, or even quite the second coming of Brad Radke, circa 1995, and he’s on his way back to Rochester.

    The Twins are now seven-and-a-half games back in the Central, and six-and-a-half in the AL wild card hunt. Increasingly it looks like they’re not only going to have to run off a streak similar to last year’s, but also count on some protracted scuffling from the teams they’re chasing.

    Right now, after the miserable series in New York, I don’t much like the chances of that happening. And considering what they’ve endured in the first half –Nick Punto’s disappearing act, the utter lack of production from the designated hitter spot, the failures of Sidney Ponson and Ramon Ortiz, the injuries in the bullpen, and the fact that greenhorns have been holding down three-fifths of the starting rotation– I’m actually a little surprised that they’ve managed to win as many games as they have.

    A guy like Sid Hartman might be inclined to proclaim this Ron Gardenhire’s best year yet.

    The question now, I guess, is at what point do we stop trying to figure out ways to improve this year’s team (and virtually all the speculation to this point has been pretty lame) and start thinking down the road to next year and beyond?

  • Scooter is All Politics.

    It is my view that at this point even George W. Bush knows he has nothing left to lose. This explains his completely predictable decision to commute Scooter Libby’s sentence as sufficiently as anyone really needs. With his approval ratings closing in on Richard Nixon circa July ’74, (and that was BEFORE his Libby decision), the Bush of July ’07 is playing strictly for the gang that brung him to the dance. Namely, his rigid, self-blindered conservative core and the only people who will dab at heir eyes when he departs D.C. in ’09.

    With that in mind, I encourage any and all interested to read this succinct explanation of the “poor Scooter” mindset by Scott Horton of Harper’s magazine . The idea that the neo-con movement reveres the notion of the ends justifying any means is by now fairly well-accepted and I think understood by every rational observer.

    What continues to fascinate me is how the pro-Libby forces, which includes (for your media context) the 1000 or so talk radio stations flogging the same rhetorical strategies 24/7 from coast-to-coast without a moment’s contradiction, sold the argument that Libby was the victim of a political vendetta.

    Horton grabs a quote from Orin Kerr who asks:

    “The Scooter Libby case has triggered some very weird commentary around the blogosphere; perhaps the weirdest claim is that the case against Libby was “purely political.” I find this argument seriously bizarre. As I understand it, Bush political appointee James Comey named Bush political appointee and career prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald to investigate the Plame leak. Bush political appointee and career prosecutor Fitzgerald filed an indictment and went to trial before Bush political appointee Reggie Walton. A jury convicted Libby, and Bush political appointee Walton sentenced him. At sentencing, Bush political appointee Judge Walton described the evidence against Libby as “overwhelming” and concluded that a 30-month sentence was appropriate. And yet the claim, as I understand it, is that the Libby prosecution was the work of political enemies who were just trying to hurt the Bush Administration.

    “I find this claim bizarre. I’m open to arguments that parts of the case against Libby were unfair. But for the case to have been purely political, doesn’t that require the involvement of someone who was not a Bush political appointee? Who are the political opponents who brought the case? Is the idea that Fitzgerald is secretly a Democratic party operative? That Judge Walton is a double agent? Or is the idea that Fitzgerald and Walton were hypnotized by “the Mainstream Media” like Raymond Shaw in the Manchurian Candidate? Seriously, I don’t get it.”

    But in terms if understanding a very fundamental rhetorical stratagem routinely — if not incessantly — employed by right-wing talk radio, (a redundancy, that one), Horton drops in this bit:

    “Back in my earlier life, I invested many years defending democracy and human rights advocates in the former Soviet Union (and in this effort, I had strong support from prominent Neocons, many of whom remain my friends today). I remember one afternoon sitting with Elena Bonner, the doyenne of the movement, in her apartment on Moscow’s Chkalova Street, turning over the case of a poor refusenik who was being persecuted by the KGB. And Bonner lectured me: “You need to remember one tactic of the totalitarian mindset, a tactic that belongs to the basic training of KGB cadres. They frequently accuse their victim of doing exactly what they, in fact, are doing. Why? It has a double utility. It forces the victim to use his meager resources defending himself from false challenges. But more importantly, it deflects attention from their own scheming and plotting.”

    This is how we get the regularly-repeated concepts of “class warfare” where liberal support of minority and populist causes is always a “class” attack on … the wealthy and white, and the horror of “activist judges” where only liberal members of the bench interpret laws according to THEIR personal philosophies … while conservatives judges never make judgments that advance their view of how the world ought to work.

    Or … in the latest absurdity repeated ad nauseum, how the Fairness Doctrine, which used to require equal time for countervailing arguments on the PUBLIC AIRWAVES is … censorship. (The Doctrine was a device to PROHIBIT de facto censorship.)

    Anyway, enjoy the rest of your Independence Day break.

  • The Day After

    If you took advantage of the good weather and the good humor yesterday, and you weren’t one of those poor souls stuck working while everyone else was on parade, then maybe it’s time for something a bit low key. (Pardon the excessive use of “ifs” all the time, but I am all too aware that mood and circumstances dictate our desires.) No fireworks tonight. Leave the pretty, bright lights behind and get your head into something good. It needs to be exercised.

    BOOKS by Brad Zellar
    Digressing in the Best Possible Way

    dirda.jpgPulitzer Prize-winner Michael Dirda is something of an endangered species: a professional book critic. At a time when daily newspapers are shrinking their book sections or eliminating them altogether, Dirda soldiers on at the stalwart Washington Post Book World. His criticism has always been marked by real passion for reading — that’s maybe too fancy; the guy obviously just loves to read — and his reviews and essays are thoughtful, expansive, and occasionally digressive in the best possible way. He’s also the author of a number of books (including Book by Book: Notes on Reading and Life), all of them offshoots of his literary rambles.

    7 p.m., Minneapolis Central Library, 300 Nicollet Mall, Minneapolis; 612-630-6174.

    THEATER & PERFORMANCE
    Celebrate Cynicism

    AmericaaciremA4web.jpgAlright, yesterday you were feeling all patriotic and you even forgot about “the state of things” for a while. But today is another day. Let the cynicism and the criticism begin. Now you can ponder all of the previous day’s events and begin to feel bad about things. Transition slowly out of your haze. Take a couple steps back, sit yourself down, and observe the insanity, rather than living it. Laugh as much as you did yesterday, but from the sidelines. America:aciremA offers the perfect satirical view of American culture to follow the foolish rantings of the night before. Let loose and laugh at yourself a little. Hell, at least you had a good time.

    7 p.m., Bryant Lake Bowl, 810 West Lake St., Minneapolis; 612-825-3737; $12.

    MUSIC
    Keep Bringing It On

    415831287_71a13b383a.jpgIf you got riled up yesterday and are still in the mood to party, then relax. You’re trying too hard. But if your evening simply never climaxed and left you frustrated, then what you need is spontaneity. It’s off to Fatfest with you. No, I’m not saying you need to lose weight, and it’s not one of the shooting locations for the new season of The Simple Life. Something tells me Paris Hilton won’t be anywhere nearby. If the show were still in its first season, maybe. After all, it’s in Wabasha, Minnesota. Doesn’t that qualify as the boondocks? I don’t really know. But I managed to make a moronic Paris Hilton reference, so it all seems irrelevant now. (For those of you with the good sense not to know what I’m talking about, the new season of The Simple Life has Paris and Nicole visiting weight-loss camps and such. Yes, these are the role models we should be presenting our insecure children with in their vulnerable moments.) Thankfully, Fatfest has absolutely nothing to do with these girls. It’s a rip-roaring three days of music and fun. The thing to do is pitch a tent and stay a while, so pack up the gear and make a weekend of it. Take in the funky, southern rock blues of Fat Maw Rooney, the jazzier blues of Oteil & The Peacemakers, the bluesy rock of Ray White & Friends, the folksy bluegrass of Cormeal and Pert Near Sandstone, the bluegrass rock of Stealin Strings, the country-touched alt rock of Freshwater Collins, the “Grass n’ Roll” of the Smokin’ Bandits, the improvised electronica of EOTO, the techno trance of The Space Rangers, the wild fusion of Gypsyfoot, and more music from some of our local favorites like God Johnson, The Big Wu. The icing on the cake? Winona’s own Northwoods.

    5 p.m. (through Saturday), The Coffee Mill Ski Resort (pick up shuttle at Bridge St. parking lot), Wabasha; $25, $75 with camping.

    Of course, if you’re not up for a weekend deal, there are always other options.

    MUSIC by Britt Robson
    Mister MC

    3111884769.jpgThe Providence, R.I.-based MC Sage Francis hops topics with a cerebrally voracious fervor reminiscent of Slug. It’s no surprise, then, to see Ant (Slug’s cohort in Atmosphere) laying down the beats on the sports-themed “High Step” from Sage’s May release, Human The Death Dance. While it’s more autobiographical and less overtly political than his previous three recordings, Human retains the ingeniously whorled phrases and dense vocabulary that made Francis a champion of freestyle contests, and a slam poet at heart. But it’s the production’s flourishes, like the strings on “Waterline,” that make the biggest difference here. Still, I expect that the bulldozer force and nonstop flow of “Keep Moving,” the career primer “Underground for Dummies,” and the blues-drenched “Got Up This Morning” (for which he cut a video) will be more the emphasis at First Ave.

    5 p.m., First Avenue, 701 First Ave. N., Minneapolis; 612-332-1775; $16.

    MORE MUSIC
    Perhaps the Best Options

    Give a quick listen to Ours and April Bauer. I had never heard of either, but they both sound interesting enough to warrant a visit. Ours is in from New York, touring before the release of their third album (so I guess I should have heard of them), and they’ll be playing tonight at the Fineline.

    9 p.m., Fineline Music Cafe, 318 First Ave. N., Minneapolis; 612-338-8100; $15.

    For a nice, early night, go hear Molly Maher & Her Disbelievers play in the Mill City Museum courtyard. Visit the Daniel Corrigan exhibit, have a drink, and enjoy some D’Amico’s eats.

    6-8 p.m., Bell Ruin Courtyard, Mill City Museum, 704 S. Second St., Minneapolis; 612-341-7555; free.

  • Lemon or sugar in your Zin?

    I ran across this refreshingly blasphemous article in Denver’s Rocky Mountain News, titled Putting a Cork in Wine Snobs. It’s a good read and underscores a few of the points I’ve been making. Among them:

    The phrase room temperature refers to the cool interior of a drawing room in the French Alps, not a 90-degree kitchen in the muggy Midwest.

    Screwcaps are all the rage — even among some fine winemakers — and tend to keep the product pure. Also, aseptic packaging of less expensive wines (think juice boxes, only bigger) is an up-and-coming trend.

    Glassware isn’t all that. Sure, there’s a certain aesthetic to Riedel that many people find appealing. But the complicated parade of different sizes and shapes isn’t necessary. Just make sure your glass is GLASS (not plastic, styrofoam, or waxed, all of which leach flavor), cool to the touch and clean.

    Keep in mind, I don’t endorse every fragment of this wine columnist’s irreverent, myth-busting advice. For example, she recommends sweetening wine to taste, with sugar — or sharpening it up with a squeeze of lemon juice. Also zapping reds in the microwave to “round out” their fruit.

    I’m all for making wine more approachable. But personally, I think I’ll reserve my tea service for Earl Grey and my microwave for thawing big hunks of frozen meat.

    However, I just may get a box of wine and a fancy glass straw and take them along to the fireworks tonight.

  • Picosa: Everybody wants to get lucky

    The waiters at Picosa wear black t-shirts with a sleek dancing nymphette logo on the front, and a legend on the back that says either “He hopes she’s dirty” or “She hopes he’s rich.”
    So, it’s a safe bet that the clientele isn’t coming to the new restaurant/bar in Riverplace in search of gastronomic thrills. More likely they come for the dj, and the dancing and the tropical cocktails, or they come to get lucky.

    I came hoping that Picosa, with its Nueva Latina menu, would be another restaurant of the caliber of El Meson and Cafe Ena. No such luck. It’s still early days, but nothing I have tasted so far even comes close – the crisp masa empanadas were mostly dough with very little crab and shrimp filling; the mariquitas (fried green plantain chips) tended to stick together, and the tomatillo duck soup had an uncanny resemblance to Dinty Moore beef stew. A salad of jicama, chayote, mango and cilantro in a spicy mango salsa sounded promising, but was overwhelmingly tart and spicy. The entrée of pan-seared shrimp in mango chili salsa was similar – too tart and spicy to enjoy, and the half-dozen medium-sized shrimp seemed disconnected from the rest of the dish. Service was slow and a bit flaky. On the plus side, the outdoor patio offers a great view of the river and downtown skyline, and great people-watching.

    And I’m going to at least give the cuisine another try – who knows, I might get lucky.

    65 Main Street S.E., Minneapolis, www.picosarestaurant.com.

  • Animals, Music, Rides, and Fireworks

    Happy 4th of July! Don’t forget to take a moment to consider the lost ideal behind the holiday. OK. Just a moment, though. You’ve got a lot to do today, so you want to get an early start.

    wp_fireworks_dual3.jpg

    ANIMALS & FAMILY
    For the Bears

    Grab some breakfast and head over to the Como Park Zoo to watch polar bears Neil and Buzz celebrate their independence (ha!) by devouring edible flags and cake. Yes, eat those flags! Doesn’t that kind of go against the grain of the holiday? Anyway, it’s certainly an unusual way to start your day, and you can stick around for Sparky the Sea Lion’s show at 11:30.

    10:30 a.m., Como Park Zoo, 1225 Estabrook Dr., Saint Paul; 651-487-8200; free.

    If you have kids (1-9) with you, you’re in luck. Make their day with a short jump to Como Town for their own celebration. It just opened a couple of months ago, and this is the perfect day to treat the young ones. If they’re dressed in red, white, and blue they’ll have double the fun (and probably come back doused from the water balloon war).

    Make it a full day if you like. Heck, you’re already here. Get some grub and have yourself a little picnic by the Como Lakeside Pavilion. Rest your feet a while as you settle in to the music of the Como “Pops” Ensemble at 3 p.m., and United We Sing at 7 p.m.

    TRADITIONAL
    Haven’t We Seen This Before?

    If you’ve got a hankering for a more traditional way to start this great 4th of July, then head over to — that’s right — Edina for their Fourth of July Parade. This’ll be your typical white middle-(to upper)-class American fare, with marching youth, a police pipe band, aqua jesters, and cheerleaders. Woo-hoo! The parade departs from City Hall at 10 a.m., and proceeds about a mile east to 50th & France. The evening’s fireworks display will take place further south, at Rosland Park.

    Of course, there are a number of these typical Midwest celebrations around town today. See below for more.

    HISTORY
    What’s It All About?

    If you’re more of a history buff — maybe this holiday actually means something to you other than BBQ, beer, and pretty, bright lights — then our Historic Fort Snelling provides the perfect setting to start the day. Celebrate Independence Day military style with cannon salutes, patriotic speeches, theatrical presentations, a military dress parade, patriotic and military fife and drum music, period games, and dancing with the residents of the frontier fort.

    10 a.m. to 5 p.m., Historic Fort Snelling, Hwys 5 & 55 near the airport, St. Paul; 612-726-171; $8 (seniors/college students $6, youth $4, children and MHS members free.

    For a non-military, old-school celebration with a little bit of history, join the Farmer’s Fourth of July celebration at the Kelley Farm. Bring a picnic lunch and enjoy the farm while animals and costumed staffers dance around the lawn. There’ll be 19th-century games (including Townball, a precursor to baseball) and oratory, as well.

    10 a.m. – 5 p.m., Oliver H. Kelley Farm, Hwy 10, Elk River; 763-441-6896; $7 (seniors/students $6, youth $4, children free).

    FIREWORKS
    Cut to the Chase

    Fireworks. Fireworks. Fireworks. Obviously, it’s all about the fireworks tonight. And considering the crowds at some of these events, you might want to consider getting some place nice and early and staking your claim as in the old frontier. Lay down the blankets and belongings and linger in the area, enjoying the great outdoors as you wait for the sun to fall and be replaced by gunpowder — “The bombs bursting in air.” Now you’re feeling patriotic, aren’t you? (Not so much?)

    For a metro area fireworks display map see here.

    Meanwhile, here are some of the places you can consider:

    Minneapolis Red, White, and Boom!
    Meet me down by the river sometime after 3 p.m. I’ll be celebrating this year’s Fourth of July on the Minneapolis Riverfront with music at St. Anthony Main and fireworks at 10 p.m.

    A Taste of Minnesota
    Celebrate on Harriet Island with great food and three stages of ongoing entertainment for both kids and adults from 1 to 10 p.m. Tonight’s the last night of ATaste of Minnesota, so the energy is bound to soar. And while they’ve had fireworks every evening, tonight will be the end all.

    Lake Minnetonka
    Stick by the water, where the fireworks are bolder. The all-day celebration in Excelsior Commons Park (8 a.m. – 10 p.m.) features a 10K race, a kids’ parade and concert, fishing and sandcastle contests, teen bands, and music from the Minnesota Orchestra, topped off by fireworks.

    Powderhorn Park
    Enjoy music, food, and fireworks from 4 p.m. to nightfall.

    Woodbury
    Ojibway Park will feature a little Duke Ellington-style swing by the Red Rock Swing Band from 7 p.m. to 10 p.m., followed by fireworks.

    St. Louis Park
    Aquila Park will host some good old rock-n-roll by Stevie and the Table Rockers, with fireworks around 10 p.m.

    Roseville
    Central Park (2540 Lexington Ave.) will have entertainment by the Splatter Sisters, the HeBeGB’s, the Roseville Big Band, and the Roseville Community Band, from 11 a.m. to 11 p.m., followed by fireworks.

    Eagan
    Central Park will have carnival rides, food, bingo, a car show, and music after a 10 a.m. community parade down Yankee Doodle Road (so appropriate!). The evening’s fireworks display will come immediately after a Tim Mahoney concert.

    Chanhassen
    The City Center Park celebration begins with an adult fishing contest at 7:30 a.m. (which you’ve probably already missed), and continues with numerous activities all around the area. Enjoy a treasure hunt, a car show, food, performances, music, rides, and fireworks.

    Valleyfair
    Of course, if you really want rides, then celebrate the day at the amusement park. You can spend the entire day or just make an evening of it. For half the price, you can go after 5 p.m., enjoy the rides, and end the affair with fireworks. I guarantee the line for the ferris wheel is going to be long just before 10 p.m., so get there early and watch it all from the sky.