Brad Zellar Where is it you find yourself? Right here. Might I ask you to be more specific? On the floor, surrounded by records, books, and baseball things. Baseball things? Yes, books, mitts, that sort of thing. You say ‘surrounded’ –are there in fact a great many of these things? Yes, a great many indeed. Do you … Read more
I’ve agreed to this nonsense with the utmost reluctance, and if you studied the conditions of our arrangement that Zellar outlined below I think you’ll agree that I drive a hard bargain. Even so, I can’t pronounce myself satisfied. If I live to be fifty it’s not likely you’ll hear me pronounce myself satisfied. There … Read more
That, if I’m not mistaken, is a quote from Rick Stelmaszek, who is arguably the most hardened of the baseball lifers in the Twins clubhouse. This was last year, or maybe the year before that. At any rate, Stelmaszek’s reminder was directed at one youngster or another who was hanging his head at the time … Read more
What a voice and what a way with words this old man I met today had. He was out for a stroll –on a lark, he said, just trying to stay loose and keep the juices jangling. Nice day for that sort of thing. I hadn’t seen him around the neighborhood before. He sounded like … Read more
Nice ballgame, very nice. But enough is enough; when do I get a look at this Corky Miller character? I’m getting anxious, and the Corkster’s not doing the club any good sitting on his kiester sucking sunflower seeds. I don’t understand it, quite honestly. Ron Gardenhire’s usually pretty good about keeping his lads sharp, and … Read more
That was better. Much better. Thank you. I must say, I’m quite looking forward to the exciting, season-long sideburn war between Juan Rincon and Joe Mauer. Be careful with those razors, fellas, and may the most virile man win. And speaking of facial hair, did you see that whispy, demonic monstrosity dangling from Scott Spiezio’s … Read more
This guy called me up yesterday and asked me to put together a list of what I thought were the funniest novels of all time. This is the sort of thing that’s usually a piece of cake for me, and I responded with enthusiasm to the idea. I figured I could come up with the … Read more
Lackluster openers are disproportionately disappointing, particularly when watched indoors on the nicest day of the year so far. At times like these it would be wise for distraught Twins fans to keep in mind former Baltimore manager Earl Weaver’s famous quip: “This ain’t a football game. We do this every day.” Or at least pretty … Read more
This poor kid from the secondary division downstairs used to come up to my office all the time and ask me what it was all about. What the hell was I supposed to tell him? He thought he was going places. He thought he was doing something; he thought we all were. So I was … Read more
Early in my adolescence I played baseball one summer on a traveling team with this fat kid from a smaller town fifteen miles from the place where I grew up. I swear, this guy was the funniest, most bitterly cynical fourteen-year-old on the planet. He was also the best hitter I ever played with or … Read more